Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

In January of 2012 my soul mate of 42 years passed away after nearly 12 years of living with severe disabilities due to a stroke. I survived the first year after Don’s death doing what most widows do---trying to make sense of my world turned upside down. The pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties are well documented in this blog.

Now that I’m a "seasoned widow" the focus of my writing has changed. I’m still a widow looking through that lens but I’m also a woman searching for contentment, friends and a voice in my restless world. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. I say I just write about whatever passes through my days---the good, bad and the ugly. Comments welcome and encouraged. Let's get a dialogue going! Jean

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Confession Time, Again



It was one of those days that started out great. Cool but pleasant driving conditions. Money in the bank longing to be spent. I got a parking space up close to the doors at the super store where I can buy everything from groceries to paint thinner. Not that I’m going to thin paint any time soon but at least I know where I can go to buy some when the mood strikes me. Inside, I walked right up to the courtesy desk, no waiting in line like I expected to do this close after Christmas. And surprise, surprise they had my lost watch in their ‘lost and found’ drawer. It had been in that drawer since the Monday before Christmas, not long enough for it to make friends with the two dozen other watches waiting patiently for their owners to take them home.

I did my grocery shopping which wasn’t that easy to do because I was also busy patting myself on the back for passing up all the tempting things in the cookies, candy, chips and ice cream aisles. Walking through those aisles was a real test of my will power. I had worked hard on my recent weight loss but I had also strayed off my diet over the holidays with all temptations around and I was determined to get back on track before I can’t even see that track anymore or worse, I don’t care anymore that it’s located on the corner of Better Health and Common Sense. The last area of the store I had to walk through to get to the cashiers was the Evil Bakery where I said to myself: Why you’ve been such a good little girl passing up all those cookies, candy, chips and ice cream you deserve a Bismarck.

“Are you crazy?” I heard another voice saying. I looked around. I was alone so I figured I must be talking to myself again. Is that a byproduct of living alone or am I---well, you know---on the bridge leading to the land of senility?  If so, I should be there by now because I’ve been talking to myself since Ring was a pup. You know Ring. I wrote about him in my last blog. He’s the old Beagle Don had when he was a kid. “Ring time” was a marker for him, sort of like using B.C. and A.D. for before and after Christ was born. Okay, I’d better strike that last line out of the final draft so I don’t offend anyone who might erroneously think I’m comparing Ring’s importance in Don’s world to the importance of Jesus in the history of the world. But darn it, to a boy of 14 or 15 the death of a dog you’ve had your entire life is pretty important. If not for Ring’s passing, Don might never have reached out and discovered girls.

Back to the jelly filled Bismarck. As I reached in the case to pull one out I swear it looked at me as if to say, “Sweetie, are you sure you want to do this?” And because I really didn’t want to do that I ate it in the parking lot before coming home so the evidence of my sinful ways wouldn’t be around to mock me. Damn it, it's time for a sugar detox again! How many times do I have to have sugary treats grab me by the throat and insist that all my troubles will be far away if I just consumed it? Wait! “All my troubles will be far away?” Isn’t that a line in a Beatles’ song? Great. Now I’m channeling a song that never fails to make me cry. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday.” Yup, only a crazy person could connect a classic Beatles song like Yesterday to a Bismarck from the bakery aisle. Or maybe a would-be writer could to that, too? So am I off the hook, off the train to Crazyville? I guess as long as I’m not grabbing the aluminum foil out of the drawer in the kitchen to fashion myself a hat, I’m still okay.

All kidding aside, my eating is out of control although my bathroom scales hasn’t yelled, “Loser!” at me yet---that didn’t come out right. I wish it would shout “loser” at me. What I meant to say is I haven’t lost or gained anything over the holidays but I have to turn that round so that I’m losing again. But mostly I have to get the sugar monster off my back. Oh, well, my day may not have ended as good as it started---contrary to how it might look, binge eating does not make me a happy camper---but at least the dog didn’t see me do it. ©

15 comments:

  1. I think it's a big deal that you didn't let that Bismarck past your front door. Half measures count in my book! The holidays messed with my best intentions, too. I got my signals mixed up - thinking one activity is more loving than another, when it's actually not.

    Well, this is a fresh day and this is my fresh dose of "love ya". I figure if hug enough love into ourselves we won't leave any room for sugar crap.

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    1. A big deal in the wrong direction. LOL But today is the first day of my new dedication to myself. Back to no sugar and no salty stuff, I felt so much better these past few months without them in my life. I even got through Halloween, for crying out loud, without eating any of the stuff I handed out to kids! Hope your theory works for both of us.

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  2. OHMYGOSH! Meijer's right? The jelly doughnuts are wonderful! I too ate mine, while sitting in my car in the parking lot. Not because I didn't want it to come home with me, but because my mouth was watering so badly I could not wait!!! I savored every single bite!

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    1. Yes, I love that store and I refuse to live more than eight miles from one which isn't hard to do where I live with 6 or 7 of them in town. I've been looking at house and condo listings since Christmas and I use Google Maps to check the distance from Meijer on any house that looks interesting. Their bakery goods are so fresh, which I think is why they are so good. Their produce and meats, too, are as fresh as you're going to find in a store which is a big deal for anyone living alone.

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  3. i always say if no one sees you eat it then it doesn't count but i know in my heart it does. too bad, huh? happy new year honey!

    hugs, bee
    xoxo

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    1. Oh, how I wish that were true!

      Happy New Year's to you, too! And everyone else reading this....

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  4. Sugar is a crazy thing. The more you ingest the more you want. My only sweet issues are with ice cream. The rest I can pass right on by. Now bread, pasta and so many other fattening things call to me. I think we all have our demons when it comes to food.

    Have a fabulous day. Happy New Year. ☺

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    1. I really do think sugar has a physical, addictive quality to it. Breads, too, which are just another form of sugar by the time our bodies get through with it. Food demons, how true is that!

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  5. Hi. I'm from the East Coast and I don't know what a Bismarck is! And I have never heard of Meijers!
    happy New Year
    Regards,
    Leze

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    1. You've probably have Bismarcks there but with a different name. They are like donuts without holes and it's filled with a red jelly like filling and they have white frosting on top. Some people call them jelly rolls, like Judy up above.

      Meijer is chain that is in five states: MI, IL, IN, OH and KY and their very first store was started a stone's throw from where I live...by a family that you don't mind making it big because they give so much back to the community. Super nice people and each store is acres under one roof to shop.

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    2. Happy New Year, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In 15 minutes it will be 2015 and it's time for me to pour some wine.

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  6. I feel your pain. That sugar monster has been on my back since I bought my first Mary Jane at Paul Harris' Country Store when I got off the school bus. And I mean the "candy" Mary Janes, not the ones you inhale. You'll get back on track and feel much better soon. Happy New Year!

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  7. I've gone back to documenting every calorie that goest in my mouth again which always helps me get back on track. When you see it in black and white it's so much easier to accept why empty calories tip the scales in the wrong direction.

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  8. I have been on such a sugar binge I should be in rehab. Started my "food journal" yesterday. :/

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    1. I food journal online at Everyday health.It helps when I'm trying to get back on the wagon.

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