One of the other men who attends these events regularly comes
with his wife and she never lets him get more than four feet away from her. I
don’t know what he does when he has to pee. She amuses me to the end of the
earth and back again. She dresses her husband up in tee-shirts that say
things like: “I love my wife,” “I’m with her” and “Taken.” They’re probably
special ordered from the Pussy-Whipped-and-I-Know-it Club. He looks bored most
of the time and rather like he wishes he could be home working with wood in the
basement. I’ve never talked to the guy. Oh, my, I value my eyes too much for
that. I’ve never seen another woman talk to him, either, and so if figure there
must be a back story to explain that. Or maybe those tee-shirts come with a
secret widow repellant---one spray on your guy and he’s good to go for the day
without you having to worry your pretty little head about poachers.
Do widows really poach in other women’s back yards or is it
just an urban myth to explain why widows get cut from the guest lists of so
many social events planned by their formerly two-by-two world? I can’t image
putting designs on any of my friends’ mates. For one thing, I know all their
flaws. For another it’s not in my DNA to lust after forbidden fruit even if it
happens to be low hanging fruit---the occasional husband who make passes behind their
wives’ backs. Who wants a guy like that? My dog has better morals and he’s been
known to hump the throw pillow in the living room.
I have no interest in finding a man but my experience at the
senior hall gives me some idea of what younger widows will go through when they
are finally ready to put their toe back in pool. I hope it happens for them
like it did for my older brother. He’d been widowed about two years when he
found himself on a class reunion planning committee with a woman he’d known in
high school. He was a football player and she was a cheerleader and both of
them were dating people they ended up marrying. Now they are burning up the
highways of America,
traveling and having a good time. I can’t picture myself doing that. Been
there, done that---the traveling part---but I’m happy for him. He had a rough
few years of care giving to my sister-in-law who had full blown, early onset Alzheimer’s.
After he and his lady-pal had been dating five-six months I told him, “If a year
ago someone would have told me you are planning a trip to South
America I would have told them they were crazy.” He replied: “I
would have told them the same thing.” The moral of that story is, obviously, that
anything is possible.
I don’t know if it’s because my first year of widowhood is
coming to an end or if it’s because 2013 just began but I’ve gotten serious
about planning a daily and monthly schedule so I don’t keep drifting my life
away. Between the senior hall events, writing, keeping my antique booth stocked,
and doing the mundane things one does just to keep up with the world I’ll be as
busy as I want to be. And the dating pool? It’s filled with minnows with fin
rot. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. ©
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| "Dating Pool" painting by Betty Key |
Your recent posts have gotten me thinking, about "sadiversaries", and terms like "widowbrain", and this post got me thinking about something I've been experiencing, that might need to be called "widow drift"...
ReplyDeleteIt probably falls into the whole "numbness" phase, where even though we are all acutely aware of our loss, days sometimes pass by in flashy blur, a weekend will come and go, and I won't remember a single thing I have done. And...though it's still several months off, as I approach the one 1-year anniversary, I feel complete panic that I did nothing during the first year of his death. At least it would appear to be nothing to the outside world.
You have a wonderful sense of humor and attitude, even in the face of your loss. It helps me to see others who are doing things...making plans, getting out there. I don't want to continue drifting, so, I think I will also need to start making some plans. I think I am starting to feel ready. But dating? Not for a while ;)
Loved it. Alas, my experience with dating was short-lived and perhaps that was for the best.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for the comments.
ReplyDeleteBedraggled: I started experiencing the "widow drift" around the 5th or 6th month out...after I had all the legal stuff done and things started slowing down. We probably need the drift or numbness to protect us until we're ready/strong enough to take on the rebuilding phase. Just surviving the first year IS doing something.
Aah, yes, the dating pool is tiny. I think the best catches are off in the tributaries, living their lives with sanity and wit, just like you. I'm glad you're sharing your journey with us. It's great to know that humor can live alongside grief. Might not stomp that grief out, but it puts misery out of its business.
ReplyDeleteThanks gowithflow. If any young widows are reading this and want to read a feel good story about dating after widowhood, they should your "dating again" blog entry.
ReplyDeleteHi--I've been reading through some of your posts and enjoying them. My husband passed away three months ago. We were a week away from our 42nd anniversary (second marriage for both of us.) I particularly liked where you mentioned your brother's experience here. My brother-in-law lost his wife about two years after she went through a double lung transplant. He had been her devoted caregiver throughout that experience. They had been married 50 years. A little over a year later, I think, he was by himself on a cruise to Alaska (his son-in-law was a musician for that cruise and invited him along) when he met a lady at dinner. It turned out her late husband and my brother-in-law's wife were interred in the same cemetery that happened to be in a tiny mountain town in N. California. The two of them really clicked, and long story short, they are now married. He is 78 and I think she is in her early 70's. On another note about dating, my 76 year-old friend who's been a widow for 15 years joked that the ideal man for her would be a gay handyman. He could fix things around the house and then leave her the hell alone. :) I think I'm somewhere in between on that. Thanks for the laughs and the insight. I'm new to this, so I appreciate all the help I can get.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a your friend's ideal date. That made me laugh. Not only would he fix things around the house, he'd be a good cook and decorator.
DeleteI'm sorry your loss that brought you to my blog but I thank you for reading and chiming in.
P.S. My brother now has two lady friends he pals around with. :)