Rejected! Online Dating for Seniors

After spending two and a half days reading profiles at on-line dating sites for old people I decided I don’t want a man in my life which I suspected all along. At my age who needs the stress of being judged and maybe rejected like a cow at a county fair whose owner was hoping for a blue ribbon. It’s hard enough to make new women friends at the senior hall and the woman/man thing is so much more complicated. With most of the profile guys on dating sites they want traveling companions (which I’m not interested in doing) and too many are just looking for opportunities to prove that “their plumbing works." Oh, my! That’s old man code for what young guys would come right out and say: "Only hot babes looking for hot sex need apply!" Hot babes are few and far between in the geriatric set and profile guys don't seem to know about the hot babes over at Advanced Style where the blog owner has a catch-and-release sort of program. He photographs all the hot older ladies he meets and he doesn't find those women all over the place. He searches and searches the streets every day.

If I were to write and post a profile for on-line dating I’d say, "I’m not interested in seeing your underwear or your birthday suit" and not a damn guy would send me a ‘flirt’---that’s the lingo they use for making your first contact with someone you’re interested in conversing with. See how smart I’ve gotten in such a short time of studying on-line dating? If I were to write an honest profile---and there shouldn’t be any other kind---I’d have to confess to not liking motorcycles or cooking my skin at the beach, cooking food in the kitchen or doing all the laundry while the Sports-All-Day-Long Network plays in the background. I’d have to confess that I’m not interested in having a guy relocate his life into my house or me relocating my life into his dwelling place. In other words, I’m not marriage material. If profile guys are being honest, marriage is a high priority…except with the pen-pal seeking prisoner I wrote about in previous posts. My husband and I worked too hard to get the security and creature comforts I enjoy now just to hand them over to a profile guy after a month or two of conversing like my friend in Florida has been known to do with the guys she meets on-line. Even if a profile guy turned out to be a nice dude, and not a con-artist, x-con or axe murderer, merging bank accounts and household bills is not going to happen so why lead on a marriage-minded guy when all I want is to talk to someone, once in a great while, who doesn't wear a bra?

And let me add as a Weight Watcher drop out, I’m turned off by the hypocrisy of guys who are carrying spare tires around their waistlines and look like they’ve got walnuts stuffed in their cheeks who specify how much their dream woman should weigh. What are they going to do, take a bathroom scales to their first in-person date and make sure his internet match didn’t indulge in one too many fudge flavored ice cream bars? Check your mirrors, profile guys with skinny-chick fetishes, many of you couldn't pass your own the body mass Litmus Test.

In all seriousness, though, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about romance and love and what it takes to fall in love over seventy as opposed to when I was young. It’s more complicated as we age, isn’t it. There are children, grandchildren, x-spouses, dead spouses, cats and dogs involved not to mention deeply entrenched opinions and likes and dislikes. When we're young and in love we tend to grow in the same direction like morning glory vines greeting the sun. If you were happy together for many years like Don and I were you get to the point where you can’t tell where each other stops and starts.  Something tells me that can’t happen with seniors who may fall into companionship-works-for-me but that’s not love according to the Gospel of Jean.

Since I started researching on-line dating every song I hear on the radio reminds me of something about my husband---a come-recuse-me look from across a room or that twinkle in Don’s eyes when he was intrigued by something I said, or those smoldering looks that spoke volumes. Earlier this week at a museum party I attended an old guy looked at me like he was intrigued by something I said and all I could think about was, I wonder if he has all his own teeth. In my mind I just can’t pair the Gerital set and romance up in the same sentence. Yet I know it happens. After my dad gave up his driver’s license I chauffeured him and his girlfriend around on weekly dates. Sometimes he looked at her like she was the Fountain of Youth and he’d just walked through the Sahara Desert. Daughters don’t like to think of their fathers as needing to get a room, but looking back---Geez, I have to go watch a video of someone beating a puppy to clear that visual of my dad out of my head!

Speaking of videos, have you seen the one by Donnalou Stevens? She’s a woman who is trying to break into the business of writing and preforming funny, light-hearted songs and her Older Ladies video at The Kickerstarter Project has gone viral. “Well I ain’t 16, not a beauty queen,” she sings, “my eyes are baggin’ and my skin is saggin’, and if that’s the reason that you don’t love me then maybe that’s not love.” Check it out. It’s hilarious. After that, you can check out the next video below if you’re interested in seeing what I’d consider to be a sexy older guy who could probably, maybe someday in another galaxy far, far away charm his way past my widow’s weeds. (Look it up, it’s a proper term.) This guy may be chronologically too young for me---I can’t judge age anymore---but his artistry with a camera alone is a super turn-on and people who knew Don will be able to see the strong resemble between video guy and my husband at his gray-haired best. Who needs on-line dating when I have YouTube to keep me entertained? ©