Bones, the OP Fairy and my Niece

Next winter when I’m snowed in I know I will look back at the statement I’m about to make and think I was crazy for saying it. But here it goes: Hallelujah, I have four whole days with nothing written on the calendar! That’s not exactly true, I could go to a slide presentation at the museum tonight but my after-dark driving is going to have to wait until after I have cataract surgery. “They’re not big enough yet,” the ophthalmologist said, “but soon. Maybe next summer.” Oh, goody, another gift from the Old People Fairy.

At night when pain from my bad bones wakes me up and I can’t fall back to sleep it’s hard for me to stop plotting ways to assassinate that Old People Fairy. I gave up on the idea of wringing her neck. After a summer of having my shoulder joint pop in and out of its socket I’d probably hurt myself more than I’d hurt that evil fairy. I gave up on the idea of kicking her butt because one of my knee joints is too painful and bending it is impossible without major fanfare. In the middle of the night the Old People Fairy just laughs at my currant aches and pains and reminds me that someday I’ll be at the mercy of a nursing home aide who may or may not like her job. I tell her I don’t like to borrow trouble from the future but that evil fairy knows me too well. “Yes, you do,” she taunts, “you’re always trying to come up with plans A, B and C  so you can give yourself the illusion that you’ll always remain in control of your future. But you’re not. I am!”  After one too many arguments with that bitch, I rolled out of bed one morning and made an appointment with my orthopedic doctor. Can we all shout out, “Hallelujah"? Help is on the way!

I saw Dr. Bone Guy yesterday and I got better news than I expected on my knee. When you imagine the worst that’s not hard to do. I imagined the knee replacement in my left knee---I’ve had them both replaced---had completely worn out after only seven years or it was out of line and either way I’d have to have another surgery. I imagined he’d say, “You’re a bad old lady! You shouldn’t have been doing Zumba in the first place!” What he did say was: “Both prosthetics still look great, no wear pattern, nothing out of line, the spacing between the top and bottom joints are still exactly as they should be.” He gave me a 12 day round of prednisone to cure the pain and stiffness and told me that in a couple of weeks I co-o-o-uld go back to Zumba but he’d much prefer I found a less intense workout in a swimming pool. Prescription: Build a swimming pool in the backyard or move to a condo with amenities. “Great!” says my Debby Downer persona, “that’s not likely to happen anytime soon.” “What about the YMCA just three miles away?” you’re asking. “They have a pool.” Three miles might as well be three hundred when there’s six feet of snow on the ground. I shall grow fat and sassy over the winter and join the Y in the spring. So there!

Dr. Bone Guy is a god in my family. He’s our go-to-guy for all deep dives when it involves a structural problem with our bones. When I saw him yesterday I also found out I probably have the exact same thing as my niece’s daughter-in-law. “It’s likely a labrum tear in your shoulder joint,” he said. Then he gave me a cortisone shot as part of the diagnosis process and I have to go back in two weeks. At the worst, I’ll need an hour operation to fix it. All those trips to the chiropractor this summer, when it felt like the joint was out of its socket, were a waste of time and money because that can’t cure the underlying problem. You don't have to write that on a chalkboard for me to remember, wasn't I the one who called Dr. Bone Guy in the first place? I just should have called him sooner. Oops.

My niece takes her daughter-in-law back to Dr. Bone Guy tomorrow and she’s going to call me with details on how her cortisone test shot went and what her next steps will be, but she’s a nursing mother so she might be delaying her surgery if that’s practical and won’t cause more damage. But the best part of my conversation with my niece was when I mentioned I was worried about driving myself home from the surgery, and she said---without the slightest hesitation---that she and my other niece can work something out on that. I could have cried from relief! They both live a great distance away so this is not a small commitment, but in the middle of the night when I’m arguing with the Old People Fairy, it’s the biggest issue on earth. I visualize myself getting permanently admitted to a nursing home, kicking and screaming, for lack of a ride home from a minor surgery. My nieces are both new grandmothers and if you believe the Republican pundits on TV, first time grandmothers don’t have time for things like running for president and helping out old aunts. Ohmygod, I should wash my fingertips off with soap for typing that last sentence and bringing politics into my blog. What I should be saying instead is that after the conversations with Dr. Bone Guy and my niece I feel like I can stuff that Old People Fairy back in her box and pile rocks on top. That will teach her for annoying me in the middle of the night. ©