I’ve been
sending self-depreciating attempts at humor otherwise known as my Christmas
letters out for so long that it’s hard to stop even though this year I planned
on doing just that. Then I ran into several people at a party who mentioned how
much they look forward to my letters so I went home and whipped one up for 2017.
If you’ve been reading my blog this past year you might recognize themes in the
letter below but people on my mailing list don’t know about my online life so
they won’t spot the copy and paste sections…….
Dear Friends
and Family,
I wasn’t going to write a Christmas letter this year but I’ve been in a holiday mood and it’s hard to resist bragging about---I mean sharing all the good things that happened in my life these past twelve months.
I wasn’t going to write a Christmas letter this year but I’ve been in a holiday mood and it’s hard to resist bragging about---I mean sharing all the good things that happened in my life these past twelve months.
Let’s start
with January when I spent the entire month obsessing about why two large box
stores and some smaller ones in town don’t carry light bulbs that fit inside my
refrigerator. Granted mine is fourteen years old but it felt like a vast
conspiracy was under way to sell me a new energy efficient appliance by phasing
out the bulbs with a compatible base. I finally found what I needed online, ordered
two and life was good again.
February I
bought a work-out shirt that has printed on the front: Everything Hurts and I’m
Going to Die! But I never got a chance to wear it to the ‘Move it, to Lose it’
class that I signed up for at the YMCA. I flunked the assessment test to
determine if I was strong enough to join the group.
In March I was a very bad girl who spent too much time in bed with Ben and Jerry and other comfort foods.
April: Can
you believe it, I was having trouble opening bags, jars, bottles and tuna cans!
I can’t tell you how many times I’d thought about running food containers over
to a neighbor’s house while yelling, “Help me! Help me!” Instead, I bought some
handy devices for old people and now you can be assured that I won’t starve to
death while trying to get into hermetically sealed bags, olive jars and pull-tab
cans.
May was
spent worrying about lumpy finger joints, eyelids that need lifting for better
vision, moles that grow in strange places, nipples that point toward the floor,
my fatty-fatty-two-by-four body, cataracts and conversations that go on inside
my head when I have too much time on my hands.
June, July
and August I did some serious trolling for friends down at the senior hall and
all those seeds I sowed are starting to grow. Don was my best friend for forty-two
years but the blooms of yesterday sadly fade away and it was time to find some
gal pals.
September?
Who remembers September? If you saw me then, let me know what I was doing.
October I
went to a thrift shop with my new gal pals where several of us put our purses
in one shopping cart and it was like keeping track of the president’s nuclear
codes football. “You’re in charge of the cart now.” “I’m taking charge of the
cart.” “Where’s the cart?” “I thought you had the cart.” “I thought you did!” I
was probably doing most of the worrying because in all the years of asking Don
to “keep an eye on my purse” I never could trust him not to wander off.
I spent the
entire month of November living in 1967. Not to worry, I wasn’t having a
“senior event.” I was re-reading letters I got from Vietnam and copies of
letters I had sent to the fifty penpals I had back then. I started my trip down
Memory Lane after going to a lecture given by a guy from The Center for
American War Letters and he said in the Q &A that they’d welcome my
collection. Before sending them off, I wanted to re-read them and I hardly
recognized the girl I was back then who loved to ski in the winter and sail in
the summer.
That brings me
to December and I’m immensely happy that the biggest decision I had to make this
month was whether or not to write an annual Christmas letter. Merry Christmas
and may the New Year bring us all a more peaceful world than the one we’re
leaving behind in 2017. Jean
* * * * *
To my deep embarrassment I just discovered I sent that letter out to everyone with a
typo in the very last line where I wrote “we’rge” instead of “we’re.” When will I learn to proof-read from the bottom up! I make the most mistakes in the last paragraphs of whatever I'm writing. ©
Now that's funny! Our poor boring little lives! I'm glad you did this!!!
ReplyDeleteI know! But I'll take 'boring' over chaos and hair-raising at this point in my life.
DeleteGreat letter! You definitely shouldn't stop writing them! It is really entertaining.
ReplyDeleteRegards
Leze
Thanks. I like getting Christmas letters, too.
DeleteI like the ones you can't figure if they're for real or not. I'd like to read a first draft from Melania or Hillary.... after they've had about 3 glasses wine.
ReplyDeleteI know! You can't always tell unless you know the person well enough to know their humor. Humor is so HARD to write. I would pay money to read the first drafts of Melania or Hillary's Christmas letters. LOL
DeleteGreat letter. I do one every year too, with photos of my family, but last year I sent almost twice the number (23) I received (14) and even that was paltry compared to previous years when we all still did Christmas cards. This year I printed off 20 letters, but now am sort of embarrassed to send them. So far, mid-December, I've gotten 3 Christmas cards from others. I think this will be my last year. I feel like I'm a dinosaur with this tradition that is fast fading away. It makes me sad though to completely lose track of my old friends and distant family members....but in some ways I guess they are already gone if this is a one-way thing. I send but don't receive. How can they miss me if I don't go away? LOL
ReplyDeleteI think this coming weekend is when most people will work on cards, if they are going to send them at all. I've only gotten 3 so far, too, but I expect maybe 20 if last year is any indication. Don't be embarrassed to send your letters. So what if something like sending cards falls out of fashion, if you enjoy it, do it. That's what writers do...write. I kind of like people on my list seeing that side of me.
DeleteGood points on all counts!
DeleteI *hate* receiving a card with just the names of the sender(s) and a trite message, and love newsy letters/e-mails (personally think its useless sending a card with no personal message inside).
ReplyDeleteI went though that phase of not being able to open bottles - so frustrating! (I now have a nifty holder that does the job). And don't get me started on "child" proof bottles. Almost broke down crying in rage one day when I couldn't open/close the bleach bottle.
Btw, thank you for your blog! its provided inspiration, guidance, information, and validation of my personal views on life, politics, etc. ~ Libby
I feel the same way about getting cards with just a name in it. Why bother? My letters might be unconventional but they still tell story of sorts about how my life is going.
DeleteI have cried at not being able to open a bottle, too! It's frustrating but also a symbol of something we're not always wanting to face.
Libby, thank you for reading here and occasionally leaving comments. I wish I wasn't crave feedback, but I do.
I laughed in recognition at "Who remembers September?" We certainly do, since September was the Harvey aftermath, but in truth, everyone seems to have lost September and October both. It's like time stood still while we all were coping with the after-effects of that storm in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the Ben and Jerry reference was pretty funny, too. A local grocery recently had Talenti gelato on sale for $2.50/pint. Of course at that price I stocked up, telling myself that it would be good to have it in the freezer for "later." Hah! I presently have a symbolic strip of tape across my freezer door, as a little reminder to stay the heck out of there, already!
Time does stand still when you're in middle of a disaster of any kind. It's always a surprise when you realize that the rest of the world kept going on when your world stopped.
DeleteI love gelato but could never have extra in the house of that or ice cream. It doesn't take much for me to get in the mindset of, "If it's gone it won't tempt me anymore." LOL I'll have to try your tape idea.
(Jean--seeds you "sowed", not "sewed." Unless you stitched them, LOL.)
ReplyDeleteI love your letter! I'll bet it gets read aloud by lots of recipients. I used to do a similar one for a long time, but then had to give it up when things got too crazy with kids, career, and family. I keep telling myself and everyone that I don't Do Cards because I am Doing My Part To Save Trees And The Environment.
I'm almost starting to believe it myself!
Darn it! I should have posted this before I printed my letters out and mailed them. All you guys could have been my proof readers! I do know the sew/sow rule but I just didn't use it. LOL Oh, well, things like that are designed to keep us humble. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
DeleteYou keep telling yourself that about the trees. I had not heard that excuse before.