Pandemic Routines, Depression and Disappointment

This post is brought to you by people watching myself. It's all I've got, no laughs included.

I’m disappointed in myself and I don’t know how to turn things around. I am wallowing in pandemic inspired depression and I’m reminded of that the minute I wake up in the morning and my feet hit the floor. Another day of sameness to look forward to is the first thought that pops into my head, another day of being ashamed of how much time I’m wasting when I could be using it more productively. Instead, I spend too much of my awake time burying my nose in the refrigerator or trash books or wishing I could have my pre-pandemic schedule back. I’m such a creature of habit that I miss routines like going to recycling or seeing my gal pals twice a month or reading labels in the grocery store. Recycling opened up again last week so there’s that to look forward to, but my gal pals getting together again and leisurely trips to the grocery store are collateral damage of Covid-19. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Around 8:00 AM I shuffle into the kitchen, put my Starbucks Sweet Morning Blend coffee grounds in my maker and while I wait for it to perk I jump on the computer. (Not literally jumping up and down on my keyboard, but you knew that didn't you.) Once my coffee is ready I’m again reminded that we’re in pandemic mode because I haven’t been able to buy my specialty spray foam to top off my coffee since the shortages started in the grocery stores. The dog doesn’t care, Levi sleeps in until around 10 AM and speaking of grocery store shortages, I live in fear that I won’t be able to buy his Milk-Bones Trail Mix or Milk-Bone Brushing Chews. I might be able to understand disruptions in our food distribution chain but Levi will make my life utterly miserable at 10:15, 3:00 and at bedtime if he doesn’t get what he demands. He doesn’t suffer in silence. He’ll bark his demands until I get my head out of the clouds and make my way to the antique canister set where I keep his loot. Yesterday I reminded him that he’d better watch out. If meat prices keep going up, he’ll be in danger of ending up on someone’s crock pot. 

By 10:30 I’ve had my breakfast and I’m reminded again that we’re in a pandemic by the orange juice I’ve add to my mornings. It’s silly to think it can help build my immune system up to fight getting the virus but don’t tell me that. I want to believe I’m in control of something besides picking the lint out of my belly button. Also by 10:30 I’ve checked on my e-Bay sales, checked my blog for new comments or new posts from my blogger friends plus I've read my email and Facebook page. Facebook is one giant billboard flashing reminders that we’re in a pandemic. And just so you’ll know, I’ve quit watching the morning news shows or TV in the mornings for that matter, which in itself is a huge reminder that the pandemic has changed my routine. 

Between 11:00 and 12:00 I force myself to get dressed and I do mean 'force' as I'd happily stay in my bathrobe all day. But if you're taking my mental health temperature I should add that I've actually only done it 3-4 times since the pandemic lock down started in mid-March. My afternoons are spent researching the collectibles I’m selling, photographing them and writing up listings plus getting them ready to ship so they can be weighed before uploading the listings to e-Bay. I could do this all faster if I wasn't sneak-reading chapters in trash books in between my downsizing work. If I had any sense at all I’d get myself outside after getting dressed to walk the dog around the neighborhood. I have my excuses and even I don’t want to hear them---hear about all the new dogs in the neighborhood that makes it harder to walk Levi and I don’t want to hear about how strange it is to pass by so many other walkers as we try to avoid getting close to one another. With the exception of the inspirational sidewalk chalk art it’s not friendly “out there” anymore and I half expect to see drawings of a hands giving walkers the middle finger showing up because foot traffic has gotten fierce and frequent.

In the pre-pandemic days I used to eat lunch out around 2:00 and several times I week I’d do that out of the house and run a couple of errands while I’m out and about. I miss listening to my Sirius XM radio in the car far more than I would have guessed. Now, the pandemic has me considering if I should cancel it because I’ve only driven my car a whole 12 miles in the past 10 weeks and I don't see that changing any time soon. I also miss people watching at the Guy-Land Cafeteria where I used to sit writing blog posts out long-hand. I miss the monthly get-togethers they had at the continuum care campus where I’ve been planning to move. I miss that dream---the dream of me and Levi wandering the trail around the lake on their campus with a camera in hand, then going back to my unit where my time would be spent in guilt-free painting, writing and reading. Now, 'guilt' seems to be my middle name.

Since the pandemic hit the U.S.A. I’ve been eating a combined lunch/dinner around 6:00/7:00, while mindlessly sitting in front of the computer again or playing my two daily required ‘brain-games’ on my Kindle. Early evening is also when I go to Amazon Unlimited to return a book and find another book to read between 11 PM and 2:30 AM. Even reading straight-forward genre books that don’t require any thinking doesn’t cause me to fall asleep without the use of a sleeping pill and even then they sometimes don’t work. The minute my light goes out, I’m back in pandemic worry mode. And I’ll end this post where I started by saying, I’m so disappointed in myself and I don’t know how to turn things around. ©