I don’t have a clue what I’m about to write. Sometimes when I’m at my computer I know I did X, Y and Z this past week so I’ll be writing about X, Y or Z or a combination of said activities. And for a while the activities around here had been coming at me so fast and furious that I had as many as four posts in my scheduler at one time. Now, I have none. The activities offered hasn’t changed. We still get 4-5 things a day I could be doing, but I don’t. I still haven’t, for example, made it to the morning Coffee and Conversation group or played cards in the evenings after dinner. For a minute or two I thought about going to one of the pastor’s 15 Minute Morning Meditations but I quickly burned that idea out of my brain. If I’m ever going to have a Come-to-Jesus moment I want it to be ten seconds before I die and I want to have it in front of my nieces so it will shock the youngest and amuse the oldest.
I really like the pastor who leads the meditations. She lives here but we ‘run in different circles' as the kids used to say. I was a fan of her religion columns in the Sunday newspaper years ago and we have at least one thing in common besides an interest in oil painting; neither one of us changed our names when we got married. She was already an established a writer and college professor when she got married. (I was older too.) She wanted to be an ordained pastor since she was a kid but like so many other women in past generations she was told a female couldn't do that. The dream never left her and after retiring from her day job she went back to school and fulfilled her dream.
Like me, I’ll bet the pastor didn’t correct people who’d call her by her husband’s last name. And maybe I should have. To this day I still have a niece on both sides of my family who sends mail to me using the last name I never legally took. One time I was in the hospital and my youngest niece couldn’t find me because of the name thing. She seems to have a blind spot about married couples having the same name. I’m assuming that’s the issue, we’ve never had that conversation but I did make a notation in my estate papers to be sure my heirs don't go down the wrong rabbit hole while trying to close out my affairs.
Do you know who gave me the most hassle over not changing my name? A saleslady at the monument company when I ordered a headstone. We have one grave for both our ashes thus we wanted both our names to appear on one stone. The lady at the monument company kept trying to talk me into not putting the last name I’ve used my entire life and instead replacing it with my husband’s last name. I couldn’t get through to the woman that the person she wanted memorialized in granite for all time never existed, that I never changed my name. But she kept saying words to the effect that, “It’s going to look like two unrelated people are in one grave!”
Only after I came up with the idea of putting a heart in the center with “married April blab, blab, blab” did she finally agreed to take my stupid order. This was just a few days after Don died and she wanted me to go home and think about it. I ordered it so soon because my husband had wanted me to order that stone for a couple of years, since we bought the plot, but I kept dragging my feet and I felt guilty that I didn’t give him the peace of mind that having that stone in place apparently would have given him. With my husband’s severe language disorders it was a very difficult 'conversation' to have but that didn’t stop him from trying every time we’d drive by the cemetery.
In a world where we’d get do-overs ordering that stone while Don could still see it would be one of my do-overs. Makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it. Oh, and it still creeps me out to see my own name on a stone with an open-ended date to be added later on, proof that I'm not immortal. I'm good at pretending otherwise.
We’re getting close to April so I expect having teary eyes will be happening often enough for it to be a thing. It’s always been a tough month. My mom died in April on Easter so it’s like I have two death dates to mark her traumatic passing. My husband and I both have birthdays in April and we got married in April. Way too many dates to stir up trouble in weak minded, sentimental cry babies. Okay, don’t get on me about characterizing myself as weak-minded; I know I’m not but I can be overly dramatic when I write, so that’s my excuse and warning not to take me too seriously when I ramble-write.
In April, ever since my husband died I've taken a pilgrimage to the Butterfly Exhibit where I swear to God---if I believed in one---that a huge blue butterfly landed on me the first year to tell me that my husband was pleased with the grave stone. He knew and liked that I planned to put “happy trails to you until we meet again” in the granite and I kept that promise.
Moments after he died I said those words to him and there was a hospital chaplain standing near-by who lite up, delighted with what she took to mean that I believed in God and and an afterlife. Before that moment she had asked if she could say a prayer and I coldly replied, "It’s up to you, I don’t care one way or another." So she did, then stood watching me as I spoke my final words and kissed Don goodbye. Next think I knew she was walking me out of the hospital. What a job that would be…make sure the newly coined widows and widowers don’t over stay their welcome.
I wish I could think of a way to end this post on an upbeat note but I'm coming up blank so the meme below is the best I can do. ©
The headstone sounded like a good compromise, and I like the meme at the end. I say, "Life is one adventure after another."
ReplyDeleteAmen to that thought. Some adventures are happy adventures and others are just there to thrill us or haunt us.
DeleteI hyphenated my name and there were many who were very resistant to that including close friends and family. Even to this day. I had students who asked me why I had both names and once I explained to them, they usually understood and accepted it better than some adults.
ReplyDeleteThe whole idea of giving up ones name at marriage is so antiquated but keeping it does present a problem when children come along. When you're older and have established accounts, careers and own stuff it's also a lot of trouble to change your name.
DeleteOur youngest son's birthday is in April and my birthday is also in April. The year I turned 13, my birthday fell on Easter Sunday. Never forget that. Be kind to yourself this coming month.
ReplyDeleteI've had my birthday on Easter once too, back in 1952. I just googled it and it doesn't fall on Easter again until 2031, then strangely it happens again in 2036. Not that I'll be around to see either of them but its in the realm of possibilities.
Deletep.s. I just noticed the year in your photo (I take it that it's you and your husband in your younger years). My husband and I married in 1963.
ReplyDeleteYes. We met in 1970 when both of us were in our late 20s. In 1963 I was in my 3rd year of college.
DeleteFunny, because I did not take my husband's name it was a major thing fir all around us but us. Then we had a 3yr ordeal with health insurance because they claimed I was not a spouse. In the late 20th century no less. I finally went with the peer pressure and legally changed it. My husband still introduces me with my maiden name though and while it shocked me I had to ask why he did that. He told me he didn't even realize he had done it, to him that is my name and who I am. I think he was the only person who understood.
ReplyDeleteI love that Rick understood the whole separate but equal identity thing. ! I never had problems with insurance or any legal thing but I did have to present our marriage certificate a few times.
DeleteOne thing good about keeping your name. Anyone from you past shouldn't have trouble locating you.
ReplyDeleteSorry the pastors meditations don't appeal for she sounds like an interesting woman. Coffee and conversations sounds interesting also depending on the attendees though. I guess the thing with so many things to choose from, it is never too late to start attending one. I kind of envy your choices.
Hope April is not too hard for you to get through.
The main reason I don't go to either one is they are too early in the morning. But I am going to make an appointment with the pastor at some point. We were in the painting class I took so I spent roughly 12 hours with her. She's a very kind woman.
DeleteWhen you talked about the monument salesperson, I remembered my mom and dad. Years before she and dad passed, they planned their funerals, selected a plot and had their plaques engraved (except for dates of death). She and dad always squabbled--often about money. At family gatherings, their banter made us kids and grandkids laugh. Mom would go on and on about how "junky" some cemeteries were when any and all types of decorations were allowed. Dad looked at the bottom line--the cost--and reminded her it would not matter after they were dead. Yes, we were all amused, and then they were both gone, within 14 months of each other. Often, people don't want to talk about death and the details that follow, but my brother and I were so grateful that our folks took the initiative to plan that last phase of their lives. We honestly didn't have to do anything but attend the visitations and funerals. I guess I've said all this to tell you that I'm glad you got that headstone carved the way you want it, Jean. The mortuary salesperson might have been well intended, but you knew yourself and stuck to your guns. Good on you!!! Best wishes for an easier April this year.
ReplyDeleteYour parents did you and your brother a huge favorite. My brother and I didn't argue over what my mom wanted but it was very hard on my brother to comply when she died. In the end my dad's ashes didn't end up with my mom's because of my brother, but he was so upset with having my mom's ashes spread on a walk around their cottage that I let my brother do what made him feel good, and he wanted a cemetery plot and stone to visit. I think we should have/could have done both with dad's ashes but I didn't even suggest it because it took so long for my brother to heal from my mom's not having a stone. Now they both have the same one and my brother even dug up some dirt where her ashes were spread and mixed it on the plot.
DeletePerhaps that post was a stream-of-consciousness one because you began it by saying you didn't know what you were going to write, but it was engaging and full of things to consider. I was a nineteen-year-old all too eager to be a Mrs. to even consider using my own last name when I married 52 years ago. I wonder if I'd married even four or five years later, if I would at least have considered keeping my own name. Most people assume my ancestors are Italian, although I'm "plain," as my five-year-old daughter once termed me when she asked if I minded being plain, which still makes me laugh because I had grown up such a freckle-faced plain girl. She had just learned I didn't share her Italian heritage.
ReplyDeleteOut of the mouths of babes. What a cute antidote. Thanks for sharing it.
DeleteThings like that make me mad. The tombstone sales person should say nothing, have NO say. Just take your order, offer her sympathy and move on. Not her business, not her problem. Or anyone else's for that matter. Sell the stone, get it planted. That's incredibly personal and usually done at an incredibly vulnerable time for the one grieving. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
ReplyDeleteApril is hard for me, too. It's odd -- things ease over time but you still get that gut punch on certain dates or at certain times. Sending many hugs to you.
I suppose when you are in the monument business you see all kinds of family fights over stones, but to question a name? She was really old and probably thought we were 'living in sin' or many another family member would show up to order a stone for the same grave. Whatever the reason having a stone was really important to my husband and I will tend it twice a year as long as I can drive that far because tending graves was important to him. I've only seen the stone of my parents 2-3 times. But my brother keeps it up, so I have no need to think about it.
DeleteHope April won't be too rough for you and you are comforted by happy memories!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I do have good memories and lots of things around here to distract me this year.
DeleteDeath dates are not always the harbingers of mourning/remembrance for me. It can be a song, an event, even a certain food. A bluebird always reminds me of my dad who died in 2003. The little rural cemetery where 3 generations of family are buried is maintained by volunteers for the most part and I'm always impacted by the history there. Cemetery clean-up always brings visions of the Mexican Day of the Dead, more celebratory than grievous. I was never a big fan of assuming another person's name but didn't have the fortitude to keep my maiden name when I married. I returned to my maiden name after divorce and will never regret it. When I'm asked if I'm related to so-and-so, I can acknowledge my family of origin rather than saying no, that's my husband's family.
ReplyDeleteI don't live in an area where the Mexican Day of the Dead was celebrated, at least not on my radar. I just actually learned of it in the past decade...but reading blogs.
DeleteI've never regretted keeping my name. I would not want to keep a name of a guy that I divorced but then there are often children involved so the choice is made more complicated. There is a woman here whose been married three times. I can't imagine changing my name that often.
I went back to my maiden name after I left my first husband. I thought I would have to do something official but I was told that I had only assumed his name upon marriage and that I could just go back to using my maiden name since I never legally gave it up. With my second marriage I kept my maiden name on all my legal papers (and for my career) but I didn’t mind if his conservative family addressed me using his last name. So long as you are not using a different name for criminal purposes, you can call yourself Santa Claus for all anybody cares here in Canada, apparently!
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry to read that April is a tough month for you. I have a similar feeling about October through December, for similar reasons.
Deb
I think people here assume that when you marry your name magically changes but you do have to file a copy of your marriage certificate with the Social Security office before you are legally the new name. Sounds like our laws are similar to yours. My brother one time thought about changing his first name to that of a nickname he'd used his entire life but after looking into he he changed his mind. He was told as long as he signs any legal document with his given name he could use his nickname for everything else.
ReplyDeleteChanged my name for my first marriage and swore I would never do it again and I didn't. We married (2nd) in Quebec. It is illegal to change your name since 1981 when you marry.
ReplyDeleteI like that law. What last name to the children take then...since 1981?
DeleteSmart woman, keeping your maiden name. I flirted with the idea but gave in and took my husband's name. I was a traditional romantic at heart, I guess. We're now finding out what a minor hassle it is to take a husband's name: my mother's driver's license has long expired and we will convert it to a state ID. She is 92, but we have to get a legal copy of her marriage certificate (1951) as one of the required documents to do it. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteJeez, at her age, you'd think it would be easy to get a state ID.
DeleteSee? You did have enough to write a great blog. I can't imagine ANY salesperson giving you a hard time right after a death, let alone a monument salesperson. Good grief!
ReplyDeleteMy family surname is Winigman ... which stumbled off peoples' lips. First marriage, Buss. Second marriage, Lockhart. I should have kept the original. Not many of us!
I did take my husband's name but what drives me crazy is being called "Mrs." after a divorce. We were married twenty-five years and had three children and had stopped going to church after Year 3 of the marriage. Four years after the divorce, he had the marriage annulled. I refused to have witnesses or myself fill out the paper work but I did go to the Diocese to look at the paper work he filed. What amazed me was that the nuns and priests at the Diocese addressed me as Mrs. I said - First of all, we're divorced so I'm not Mrs. And second, you in your holy wisdom annulled the marriage which means that in the Church's eyes it never existed, so why are you calling me "Mrs."? That was met with dead silence except for saying that they would pray for me.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, speaking up like that. ! I never understood the logic in allowing an annulment after so long a time, especially when there are children involved. Your x-husband must have left a huge donation to make that happen.
DeleteMiriam and I both kept our own names, and we are very happy that we did. She even joked that if we had to pick one name it was going to be hers!
ReplyDeleteI've never been sorry either. I can guess her last name would be easier to pronounce.
DeleteAnniversary dates can be tough, and when they all fall near one another, it's a challenge. I have friend who dislikes April and spring in general for that reason. In our family, it's January when both my sister and my dad died on the same day. Of course, around here, January is pretty glum anyway. :-(
ReplyDeleteWhen I got divorced, I toyed with taking back my maiden name, but I had three kids with the same name and decided it would be a hassle. So when I remarried years later, I just went with the new name -- both to get rid of my ex's name, but also because I ended up with a simple, easy to spell name. Win/win. (P.S. You did a great job on the headstone and with the headstone lady. Sheesh.)
Losing two loved ones in one day would be extremely traumatic. My husband also died in January but he had the good sense to do it the year we didn't have much snow or ice so the running around afterward to do what needed doing made it easier on me.
DeleteIt makes sense not to go back to a maiden name when you still have children ad home with that name. To kids it could feel like a woman is divorcing them as well.
I had prepaid funerals arranged years ago and paid off long ago too, but we never did a Headstone ahead of time, so that will be a final expense I suppose. I just didn't want our Names with open ended Dates either, tho' Mom and I did have a blast Coffin shopping, Morbid Clan that my people tend to be... which The Man thought was kinda Weird, he wouldn't come. Which is why rather than Oak with Eagles, he will end up with Bronze with Seagulls, well, it's Birds... so... *winks* Of coarse mine is the gaudiest tackiest Coffin I could find and if they run out of those by the time I croak I told the Kiddos to do me Proud by picking whatever over-the-top Coffin is available, they know my Taste, or lack thereof. *Ha ha ha* They also know to have a kick Ass Wake and tell the wildest of Family Stories that will make everyone Laugh rather than Cry.
ReplyDeleteYour kids and grandkids know you well and they will do as you ask. When the times comes lets hope it gives them peace of mind to do it up kick ass wild.
DeleteI tried the hyphenated last name thing when I was first married, but gave up. Too much bother trying to get people to understand the concept let alone remember how to spell both last names. I went with the path of least resistance.
ReplyDeleteSocially I used a hyphenated last name for anything involving my husband's family and for a very short time I did it with mine. But in hindsight it was a mistake. It caused confusion later on when I tried to establish my legal name as my social name as well.
DeleteYes mam, I will.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great meme. Plot Twist. I've never thought about the one headstone- two last names scenario. You probably wouldn't have the same problem now since so much has changed about socially acceptable actions. I think you were right to use the name you wanted. I took my ex-husband's last name even before we were married and have kept it all these years. I think he would like for me to have changed it back, but I like his short, simple name.
ReplyDeleteTen years ago doesn't seem so long ago but the woman at the monument company was pretty old so I doubt she's around to cause anyone else stress over a name.
DeleteI've heard of x-spouses who've fought over changing a name back again when the second wife pushes for it. That's a big ask if the first wife had it a long time and/or they shared kids.
I didn't take my husband's name when we married and he was more than supportive. Now, some 30 so years later, I regret that and wonder how it really looked to him.. maybe a bit of a rejection? Of course now I'm too lazy to change and it would be too disruptive
ReplyDeleteI never thought of it as a rejection of kind, but rather a matter of pride in oneself and not wanting to feel like you lost part of your self when you assume a name you didn't grow up with.
DeleteIt was very definitely meant the way you suggest - I just wonder how it felt to him
DeleteI used my maiden name (Bailey) at work for nearly 40 years as it was easily pronounced. My married name (Salvaggi) was always mispronounced, so when I got married, I made the decision not to change it for work. Some of our employees (who didn't always think things through) would have thought I was a newly hired person & I didn't need that hassle or to hear their life stories again. I did make the decision to use both names legally (with a space, NOT a hyphen, in between), but only had to change it formally at work, when I got ready to retire, as they needed the legal name for the pension paperwork. Yes, it's a hassle to correct people who smash it together, put the hyphen in or think my maiden name is a middle name, but it is much more common these days to have 2 names, so it's not a big deal. I have been a "Bailey" from the day I was born & will be until I die. "Salvaggi" is just one part of my life experiences.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! We are both on the same page.
DeleteI took a different tack. After I was divorced, I kept my married name. I'd gone through school and developed a professional identity with that name, and it just seemed more "me" than my maiden name. As for headstones, I always laugh when I remember my mother's approach. After my dad died, she purchased a stone for both graves, with both of their names on it. The stonemason added her name, and then was going to add her date of birth, with the death date to be added later. She'd have none of it. As she put it, "If they put my birth year on that marker, everyone will know how old I am!"
ReplyDeleteKeeping a married name you used while developing a career makes perfect sence and was sort of similar to me because I was old when we got married. Although I would have done it if I'd been a young bride also. That's funny about you mom's reason not to put a birthday on a stone. I don't advertise mine online for security reasons but in person I don't care who know it.
DeleteOops!!! I just replied to the wrong post! I'm sorry! Gotta get back to the swing of things...
DeleteHello old friend...I'm sorta back to the land of the living. From Kauai currently. I'll try to go back and catch up, but for now just read this post and wanted to say....I'm a sister Downton and Bridgerton fan! Such escapist fun, right?
ReplyDeleteDoesn't matter. I'm still on a high from binging them both and will always make time for a little Regency era sisterhood.
Delete