Boy, did I have an embarrassing meltdown last week in the fine dining room. It’s so embarrassing I don’t even want to write about it and expose my childish behavior. But this issue has been doing a slow boil since I moved in to my continuum care complex and in Stephen King's non-fiction book on writing he says words to the effect if you're not willing to be brutally honest in your writing you're never going to be a good writer.
So, here's what happened when the new manager of our dining room came over to our table to ask us how our meal was and the filter in my brain stopped working. “Who cuts the pies around here?” I asked as I moved my piece over next a table mate's, lining up the outer crusts back to back. Her slice was over 2 1/2 inches wide while my mine was a scant 1 1/4 inches. Another person at the table spoke up and said uneven serving sizes has been an ongoing problem here since they opened. And before I knew it I jumped into my theory that "the waitresses always give me the smallest portions because I’m fat."
That night the lady who got the larger piece of pie was a tiny little thing who usually leaves part of her desserts behind because she eats like a bird. I’ve seen that happen so many times around here and it drives me nuts. Growing up I had to sit at the table until bedtime if I didn't clean my plate and even though I'm in charge of myself now, I still can't stand seeing food wasted. When people want to linger over dinner and there is still food on their plates I have the hardest time not asking them to taking napkins and covering up the uneaten food, an old Weight Watchers trick. Out of sight out of mind.
Aside from that, sweets are my drug of choice and the wanting equal serving sizes is an issue that also comes from my childhood when my brother and I used to fight over who got the biggest serving of our desserts. Finally my mom made us start a new thing of one of us cutting and the other being the first to choose. We kept a ruler in the kitchen for this nightly ritual and it cut down on the fighting but as long as we lived together the measuring and cutting was part of our sibling relationship.
That night when I announced that the waitresses were body shaming me with their decision on who gets the larger portions I realized that I was speaking loud enough that the people on both sides of us could hear me, I wanted to be teleported out of the place never to be seen again. The new manager has only been on the job two weeks and probably wears a size two dress but she knelt down next to our table and softly said, “I’ve got a pie cutter on my list of things to buy. I’ll get this resolved.” My biggest shame in this is that in my heart I know the waitresses aren’t doing it out of malice---or even necessarily on purpose if I were inclined to be fair minded. We have three college students from Ethiopia, all from the same family and they are super sweet and respectful, polite and well mannered thin little girls who are very religious. They come from a family of nine and one of our waitresses is studying to be a lawyer, another is going into bio-engineering and the third is just in her first year.
Speaking of young people, I went to see the PA associated with my dermatologist who did the biopsy on my cancerous ankle mole last June. It’s not healing up and I’ve been sending photos of it each month to the doctor ever since but this time I insisted on going into the dermatologist’s complex. I could have waited six weeks for the doctor or take the PA right away. The PA turned out to be a kid who looked all of twelve years old and he was as petite as the Ethiopian sisters. I’m used to young doctors but this kid, truly had a baby face that he tried to age with big horn-rimmed glasses. It didn’t work.
He suspected there was more going on than just a slow heal on a part of the body that, in general, is slow to heal because of circulation issues in our extremities. He gave me three choices and I went with door number one which involved a deeper biopsy to makes sure they got all the cancers cells the first time. He said that because the mole was in a slow healing place, they don’t generally go very deep. Not sure if he was just covering up for the doctor or what but it is what it is and the damn itches like crazy.
I just got this second biopsy report back and now I'm scheduled for a "live mole surgery" that could last one to five hours, depending on how deep they have to dig. And won’t that be fun. It's the surgery where they scrape a layer off, put it under a microscope, then keep repeating until they are sure they got all the cancerous cells. At least I'll be three weeks out from having my second carpel tunnel and trigger thumb surgeries on my right hand.That takes place October 17th. Trying to keep our bodies working gets more time consuming with each year, doesn't it. ©
I'm so sorry about the mole, but apparently the procedure does work. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf it's not one thing, it's another I'm going in Friday for a Curettage and Electrodesiccation (C&E or scrape and burn) ... a medical procedure to remove certain types of skin cancers. On my lower back so I will need my nurses to help me out for a week or two of changing bandages and applying ointment. Wishing you lots of luck with yours ... and your hand! Maybe you'll be good as new!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right about if it's no one thing, it's tow things---that's something my mom used to say, too. The C&E is what I had the first time on my mole. This new one will be a 'live' surgery or something like that. I knew they didn't get it all so I'm not surprise, but that's next month's health thing. This month I have the hand surgery and I woke up with blood in my urine this morning. I have my bimonthly physical this morning so isn't that convenient.
DeleteI'm right there with you with the pie serving size issue. You would have thought the table mate who always leaves part of their dessert would be kind/intuitive enough to offer to trade with you. But yes, our bodies do betray us, the older we get. I surely hope that mole surgery turns out to be the last time you have to deal with that mole site. Good luck with the hand surgery too... been there, did that several times.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered why none of petite little things around here who eat like birds don't offer to trade. I'm not the only one who complains about uneven serving sizes of not just desserts but of everything. We are on our third food service company around here. The only area of the place that people aren't really happy about. The food is good but doesn't change often enough and isn't made with seniors in mind who need to limit salt and fried foods and (yummy) sauces.
DeleteI am sorry that you have to go through more surgery on your ankle. No one knows how that sort of thing weighs a person down unless you've gone through it. Yes, it sure does take more time, money and motivation to keep our aging bodies going. And some days, things don't seem to work right, in spite of all that we try to do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the pie incident, I'm glad that the new manager is getting those pie cutter grids. Most of us want to be treated fairly, and anything less starts to bug the heck out of us.
I'm glad you don't have to wait too long for your appointment with the dermatologist. You've already waited a long time. Hoping and praying all goes well for you, Jean.
I'm happy with the way the new manger handled my little hissy fit both that night and after. None of those who over hear it didn't seem to gossip about it either.
DeleteMy mole thing surgery is scheduled for November 14th. I knew they didn't get the whole thing because it started growing another cap and a second mole close by the biopsy site not to mention it itches like crazy. I can't wait to get that surgery done.
I'm glad you took matters into your own hand and insisted on an in-office visit. Summer 2021, I had a Mohs surgery on my lower eyelid, expecting to come out with a flap reconstructive surgery that would have required sewing my upper eyelid and the flap together for three weeks. I was lucky, though. My Mohs required only two passes, and I still had half my lower eyelid left. My oculoplastic surgeon was able to "release some tissues" and avoid the flap. Waiting that hour or so after each of the two passes was the worst, not knowing how many more would be required.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it was that same ability/need to stand up for yourself (and others, I would add) that led to the incident that embarrasses you. If so, I say that it's a trait that's not a bad one on balance.
I would be a whole lot more worried if i had any surgery around my eye! At least where mine is at any scarring on my outer ankle would only show in the sandal weather. I'm guessing they will need more than two passes to get my margins clean because it's over such a big area, between a quarter and half dollar now with two heads. When it started out it was the size of a tick. I thought it was tick and picked it off.
DeleteYou're probably right about standing up for myself but I really felt bad about what I said about the waitresses. They are so sweet and if they did/do it on purpose in my heart I believe it was to encourage the fragile people to eat more, not a body shaming of me.
My goodness. What an irony to see this very situation here on your post. I have a ulcerative little thing in my lower eyelid inside and I’m having it checked out tomorrow. I’m scared it will be skin cancer. At first I thought it was a simple stye, then I looked inside and saw it. Looks like a sore.
DeleteBest of luck to your tomorrow. Knowing---no matter which way it goes---is so much better than worrying. At least it is for me.
DeleteI so agree with your philosophy of knowing is so much better than worrying or just plain ignoring. Good luck with the surgery and we all have moments when our mouth and heart aren't in sync.
DeleteI don't know why my comment ended up as "Anonymous," but I was the one who wrote about the lower eyelid surgery. Mary, I thought mine was a sty, too, but it just never went away. I'd had another infiltrative basal cell cancer but it was just cut away, so Mohs surgery was new to me. I had the Mohs one day and reconstruction of the lower eyelid the next day by an oculoplastic surgeon. Although my Mohs surgeon was trained in plastics, too, she said that I had to use an oculoplastic surgeon because this would involve the function of the eyelid as well as how it looks. She made the referral. I had a pressure bandage for five days--the biggest bother of the whole thing because my glasses didn't fit--and I was frightened to see what it looked like when I removed the bandage, but I was pleasantly surprised. By the second week, the oculoplastic surgeons' incision lines--down the eyelid, along the surface and out the corner were not really distinguishable from the crows feet, etc. that come along with being a little older. It was a good result. My eyelashes right where the incision was just happened to turn toward the eye as it healed. Good luck to you, too.
DeleteWow, Linda, I hope Mary comes back to see your comment Either way, I learned a lot from it as other will no doubt do.
DeleteHave you told the manager that you don't blame the waitresses after all? That would help relieve your feelings of guilt/embarrassment, I think. Everyone has had that experience of blurting out something they later regret so don't fret about it...
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your surgeries!
I thought about telling the manager that and hoping she'd tell me she didn't repeat my accusation to the waitresses. But I haven't seen her alone and then I decided to just let it go. She and the waitresses have not treated me any different since than before my hissy-fit.
DeleteGood for you pushing to see someone. We really have to be our own medical care advocates, don't we? It's a part time job some days. I hope the procedure goes well and you get it resolved.
ReplyDeleteAs for the pie cutting, we had the same rule in our family with six kids. Still, I wanted to be the one who cut it -- maybe because I'm the oldest. LOL. Anyway, I'm glad you spoke up. If I was getting the small piece, I'd be annoyed too.
I knew early on that they didn't get the whole mole but every time I sent a photo to the doctor he'd say the same thing, that ankles are hard to heal.
DeleteBoy, my brother and I fought like cats and dogs over dessert sizes. I can't imagine doing ti with six kids in a family! My brother tried that "I'm older" argument too. LoL
Gosh, so sorry you are going through all this! My mom used to say "patch, patch, patch". And now I know what she means. It seems like the older we get, the more we are witness to are failing bodies. A friend of mine recently went through several hyperbaric treatments for a slow to heal leg wound. It helped, and she is doing better.
ReplyDeleteThe food thing; our relationship with food is often not a healthy one and often tied into our (distorted) body image. I remember as a young adult holding myself to a ridiculous, unattainable standard. I've evolved to a more relaxed approach. I'd be unhappy about the uneven serving sizes too!
Carole
I've never had a healthy relationship with foods. Started out with a ton of foot allergies---hives after eating. Then the whole clean your plate thing. Been to every weight loses group you can name, even did hypnosis at 15 or 16. Gyms and steam wraps.
Delete"Hyperbaric treatments never heard of that! Sounds interesting. Thanks for sharing that.
I am sorry Jean you are going through this, hopefully surgery will take care of all your issues, your description of doctor brought smile to my face, when I see our son being consulted right now by my family for his grandma's upcoming surgery. I still can't believe our baby is now doctor & his remedies & questions to ask doctor after all his research on the subject are spot on. So much that family directly conference calls our family doctor at home & don't even involve us.
ReplyDeleteAsha(mom of baby whose college application essay you had reviewed who I had only written since he was so unorganized to do it in my time-frame lol)
As I remember you got in a bit of trouble for writing that essay without your son or husband's knowledge? LoL You sure have a right to be proud of your boy. How times flies. My young PA and your son look very similar.
DeleteMost of us grew up with that 'clean your plate' rule. Not a good thing to do to a kid. I was always the last one at the table because of that and actually got a little overweight because of a housekeeper who enforced the rule without mercy. Now that the psychology community ties most of our adult hang-ups to what happened in our very early childhood (which most of us don't remember well - if at all), we have to figure out how to undo some of that early conditioning; a daunting task.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up over your comment to the manager. We all need to let off steam now and then and if we're generally known as easy-to-get-along with, little attention is paid. Besides, you've gone to confession at the Church of Your Besties. ;>)
I absolutely love your last line about going to confession...and it's true, I tell my blogger friends far more than I tell my in person friends.
DeleteIntellectually we can know all the psychological 'science' behind our adult hang ups but undoing that deep imprint isn't all that easy. I can it for periods of time but a little stress coming into my life and I revert to default quickly and it takes time to get back on the wagon so to speak.
I frequently ponder what my own parents went through getting to the point in life during which I knew them. I am absolutely positive that I was treated better by them than were they by their parents...on back into antiquity. I've always been glad that my daughter was a better parent than was I.
DeleteSame here. My mom especially had a hard live growing up. Lose her mom at 8 or 9 and then got separated from her father and siblings to work in a boarding house. On her own at too early in life. My dad lost his mom at 8 or 9 too, but had a loving father. My parents loved us and wanted better for us and accomplished at lot, given their early childhoods.
DeleteKudos to you for your honest writing here. It's never easy, even humorously.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your ongoing problems with healing and the upcoming surgery. I'm glad there's a procedure that's thorough and that the doctors think it's worth it for you. My grandmother always said she never wanted her doctors to give up on anything just because she was old. She insisted on hearing all treatment options for everything, and she was a terrific advocate for herself even at 95. I'll bet you are, too.
I try to be an advocate for myself because I've all I got right now. Doctor's better not give up on me just yet!
DeleteWhen I was blogging about my life at a caregiver, I could be both honest and humorous, but I'm finding it harder and harder to find the humor as I write. You should see some of the dark poetry that been popping out of my head from who knows where.
I'm worried about the moles. I hope they do what they need to do but it sure doesn't sound fun. I hope they put you out for that but it doesn't sound like it. There's no excuse for sloppy cutting in a place like that. And you never know about the wait staff -- probably accidental but if it happens often, they need to be aware and if it's coming out of the kitchen unevenly take it back. Interesting you mention the food because that's the biggest complain I hear from Rick's mom and also Kate's brother, both of whom are diabetic. There are no choices -- and they've both raised the issue. Everything is friend or over salted or too much sugar or carbs. It would help if they could mark items on the menu as diabetic friendly or heart-healthy or something. I wouldn't want the job of that but boy, you're paying too much for meals to not get satisfied.
ReplyDeleteSame here with the carbs and salts and we get a lot of fried foods and rich sauces. Just about everyone here says they've gained 5 - 10 pounds over the past year.
ReplyDeleteThey said the surgery on the mole will involve a local on my leg to numb it up. There's a lot of waiting around in between scrapings for them to put each layer under a microscope. Looking for a good book to take with me.
I an thinking the waitress might have just been wanting to put some meat on the bones of the skinny companion. Hope the manager fixes the portions though. Fair is fair.
ReplyDeleteThe surgery being offered to you I understand is the best offered when it comes to skin cancers. It is the best way to find out if they get it all. A good book does sound like a plan.
I really do think that's what the waiters are doing. They are really caring kids who do a lot of hugging here...which I wish they didn't do because of Covid.
DeleteI had a moment when I read this and thought what the hell is a mole, of course it came to me but how thick was I, having them removed can be easy or not yours sounds like not.
ReplyDeleteMeltdowns happen we all have them i have far too many at times
Ya, I've never had this kind of removable before. Others have been burned out but they already tried that and it grew back.
DeleteI can't remember the last time I had a meltdown in public.. For sure not in this century. I usually just whine about stuff to myself or blog about it.
I laughed at your mention of the "one cuts, the other chooses" technique. I learned that one early, and it became part of our family rituals. In fact, one of my best friends and I often split desserts when we eat out, and we do the same thing. I do sympathize with your love of sweets, and understand completely how an 'undersized' piece of pie could trigger all sorts of things. I'm slowly, slowly weaning myself away from sugary stuff, and don't even crave chocolate, cakes, pies, or candy any more. But can I keep a half gallon of ice cream in the freezer? Of course I can. Just don't ask me how long it stays there.
ReplyDeleteI hope all goes well with the mole surgery. At least you know what to expect with your carpal tunnel surgery, and that will be over and done with lickety-split. You're sure right that age brings complications. My bones and immune system seem to be in great shape, but my skin is getting thin; yesterday, I scraped about a two x one inch section off my shin, just by dragging my leg over an old, stiff rope. The good news was that the flap of skin didn't come off, so I just flipped it over the scrape and put a bandaid over it to protect it. It already looks like it's starting the healing process -- I hope yours go so quickly!
That sounds painful! Glad it seems to be healing already. Hope you cleaned it well with hydrogen peroxide or something similar. I had to use that on my stitches and it bubbled up for over a week before it closed .
DeleteI don't have dessert every night around here..maybe once a week but that doesn't mean I don't want them. I just like to stay in our food allowance. I don't have drinks from the bar for the same reason even though they are very cheap.
Linda above
DeleteThank you for your comment. I have several Mohs dermatologists in the area but no ocular plastic surgeon unless I drive a couple of hours away…
I go this morning…to see about it
Thanks again. I’ll post here when I find out.
Back from Dr. It’s a chalazion. It’s caused because of a blocked oil gland and he says it’s not cancer. Continue with hot compresses and it should eventually go and if not, I could have it removed surgically. But wouldn’t have to. So I am greatly relieved. Thank you again Linda.
DeleteHope your ankle gets a good result this time around, Jean.
And don’t worry about speaking out. I’m sure it’s passed by now.š
Wow, That's good news.
DeleteThe November 2022 issue of Kiplinger on page 52 has a lengthy article on CCRC living.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could find it online, but I tried. Did they find the plus outweighed the negatives or the or way around?
DeleteI have the paper magazine. Lengthy commentary both ways
DeleteThe current issue of Kiplinger has an article about CCRC living. p 52
ReplyDeleteDear Jean, I returned to reading my favorite blogs just in time to discover that you are having a hand surgery on Monday. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and see you surrounded by healing white light.
ReplyDeleteWhen is the "ankle mole" cancer surgery scheduled? It so good that you went for an in-office visit. Those of us who live alone truly need to be our own advocates.
And, hey, I so hope you can cease from berating yourself for what you said at the table. Perhaps a kind word of appreciation to the three servers would be welcomed by them. We all lose our cool at times. And, we also all open our mouths and are astonished by what comes out. Be gracious to yourself. Peace from Dee Ready (cominghometomyself)
You nailed it on me being astonished by what came out of my mouth that day. I don't make scenes in public (or private). I can only remember one other time when I was unfair to a service person and I went back in to the place 10 minutes later and apologized.
DeleteMy Mole surgery is Nov 14th. They tell me it will take from 1 to 5 hours depending on how many layers they have to peel off to get rid of the cancerous cells. Since the area is huge the two heads now, I think I'll be there on the longer side.
Thanks for coming by Dee!
Dear Jean, I can remember years ago--in the 1980s--after a funeral--sitting on the porch with the relatives and suddenly saying something I'd hadn't planned and didn't know I even thought. It was totally inappropriate and unkind. Everyone stared at me, speechless. I immediately apologized, but oh, I felt so bad about hurting the grieving grandmother who was sitting next to me. Peace from Dee (again!)
DeleteI'm guessing it's human nature to say an occasional inappropriate thing, but being able to apologized right away is not always the norm.
Delete
ReplyDeleteWell, actually, disparate sized servings anywhere is just not a good practice when Serving Meals to anyone. It could imply a lot of things that are not even intended, yet would make whose being Served wonder about. Why the big difference in portions? If people are seated together and portion sizes are very different, and everyone is paying the same price, or should be getting identical portions, you were right to point it out to whoever is responsible for control in the Kitchen. I don't think you were being petty, even if you got the wrong impression of why small people seemed to be getting large servings and large people small servings. I don't like waste either, food insecurity is a big problem in the World, even in our Country, for so many, that for others to be wasteful seems obscene. However, that said, eat 'til full, then stop, is always my Mantra. I am not a Food Pusher, if someone cannot finish, they should not force themselves to eat more than is comfortable for them.
It happened again tonight only with fish. I got two small pieces and the woman next to me got two big ones. I didn't mention it first, she did and she offered to trade me one of my small ones for one big ones, which I refused but it made me good for her to offer. As it turned out I had all the fish I wanted and she cleaned her plate as well.
DeleteYour meltdown probably didn't seem as loud or extreme to others as it did to you. I agree with Ellen, though, that it would be a kindness to let the waitresses off the hook. If any of them were in the room when this happened, they may well have heard. Could you send a quick email to the manager thanking her for the kind way she handled the situation and saying that you don't really think the waitresses were at fault? (BTW, I can remember my brother complaining that my father, who could see a millimeter difference in his work as a tool and die cutter, somehow couldn't get two pieces of pie even remotely the same size!)
ReplyDeleteNone of the waitresses were in the room to hear me and the manager already got my apology.
DeleteThat's a funny story about your dad. Mine was a tool and die maker too.