People who knew us would agree that our businesses didn't mesh well. I had a wedding floral business in my house (always neat and orderly) and Don was trying hard to be a hoarder in his as well as run a parking lot maintenance business. The only reason we started selling in antique malls was in an effort to prune the quantity of stuff he had. It turned out to be one of worst ideas in my life because it just gave Don an excuse to buy more stuff. At one point in time we had booths in four malls and were vendors at two Gas and Oil Collector's Conventions/Swaps Meets in the summers. I did all the pricing, inventory and booth servicing while he did all the procuring, carrying heavy stuff and researching the history and prices of the things we sold.
What would people around here take away from that story, if I tried to explain our unique relationship? I'd get a few sentences into telling it and someone would interrupt with a question and they'd only hear the "hoarder" and "not married" part and those words can't possibly paint a true picture. I don't lie but I never offer the raw truth either. If asked I'll say "we were together for 42 years" and change the topic. Ya, we had a wedding I could describe---at the court house with our brothers and sister-in-laws present, a reception at a steakhouse near by with the six of us and we "honeymooned" at a mega-theater across the street. Whoop dee doo.
Recently at lunch the contrast in my life experiences and others here at the continuum care complex came front and center when a woman was asking how she was going to carry a bottle of water with her newly acquired cane and I jokingly said, “You could get one of those hats that have the beer can holders and plastic straws for hand-free drinking.” And several ladies at the table thought I was making that up, that it wasn’t something already on the market. One woman said, "You have quite the imagination" to which I replied, astonished! “You've never seen them at sports events or music festivals?” Finally a woman said she'd seen them and that's what it took for the others to believe I wasn't weaving a tale for their amusement. I said, “See, that’s why you need a blue collar person around like me, to expand your world.” They all laughed, of course, because that’s my self-appointed job here is to make people laugh. Every so often, like with this conversation, I'm surprised by something I though was common knowledge that I know and others don't. Of course, it works the other way around, too, especially when they start talking about world travel.
Unfortunately my senior years are making me funny when I don’t intend to be. Like at mahjong last week I said, “The filter in my brain is not working well today. I keep wanting to swear and I’ve had to bit my EAR several times to stop myself.” We all laughed so hard at my expense that I’m quite sure a few ladies peed their pants. I couldn't tell them but I can tell you guys that I had been working on the post about making a sow's ear into a silk purse that morning and I had pig ears on the brain. Not that that's an excuse for word search issues in the elderly but the older I get the more it's going to happen so I might as well make the best of it when it happens.
Speaking of biting your TONGUE to keep from saying stuff, we recently had a discussion about the saying, "you guys" instead of "you ladies" and how much it offends them. It came up because a waitress said, "How are you guys doing over here?" and one of the ladies at the table wrote a comment card complaining about it. Out of the six of us only two of us didn't mind being addressed that way and I was the only one who admitted to saying it all the time. Oops, my blue collar was showing again.
I wish I'd had my Kindle with me at the time because after that dinner I consulted my device and sure enough, the fifth definition listed for the noun 'guy' was "persons of either sex; people." I would no more think to write a complaint about a waitress saying "you guys" than I would pee on a pancake and send it back to the kitchen for tasting weird. Word usage change over time. Case in point: using the word 'gay' in today's world means being sexually attracted to someone of the same sex but during Victorian times it meant you were "bright and pleasant and promoting good cheer." And with that bit of who-the-hell-cares trivia I end this post. ©
I still miss the word gay, as in "when our hearts were young and gay." I hadn't realized your relationship with your soulmate. I can see why it worked.
ReplyDelete---Cheerful Monk
We did work...and play together and talk endlessly. We both loved old things and their histories, both had similar sense of humors and work ethics, both helped each other when our parents needed help. And helped each other with our businesses and any other crazy thing we thought we'd want to try.
DeleteThe fact that you and Don stayed together so many years, even before you were married, speaks to your depth of commitment for one another. If we're honest, most of us would admit that we learn as we go through every day of our lives.
ReplyDeleteWhite collar, blue collar, clerical collar--it shouldn't matter--but what does matter is the fact that you are simply being you, Jean. I'll bet they love your sense of humor, and how tragic it would have been for them to get to the end of their lives without knowing what a beer helmet is!!
Most people here do get me, my sense of humor. The art professor says from time to time, "When Jean's in the room we know there will be laughter." The pastor here is in our writing group and she knows I'm a non-believer and couldn't be nicer to me. The librarian in that same group thanks me each time for starting the group and I I do to keep it going. My mahjong and bingo buddies are the best at bringing laughter opportunities into my world. And my very classy, wonderful neighbor used to be a minister's wife. I may have very different background than the other but we mostly all get along well. Even our resident racist has her good sides.
DeleteYour commitment to Don was true and didn't rely on a license or ceremony. And it speaks well of you that you chose to marry after his stroke. When times got really tough, you took the extra step to be There in the legal sense of the word.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's good to bring some people back down to Earth, so to speak. Your presence is perhaps a necessary one in their lives.
We had already named each other as our legal powers of attorney for health care and finical matters long before the stroke and when it happened it became necessary to live together in order for him to stay out of a nursing home. I sold both our houses and we built a new house while living in an apartment and taking him to therapies.
DeleteYour partnership and then marriage sounds wonderful - how lucky for both of you. As they say now you "found your person" and so did Don.
DeleteWe were two off beat people who did find our persons. Neither of us were perfect but we worked.
DeleteAt a time when some people would abandon a relationship, you legally solidified yours. That speaks volumes about you and Don and your love and commitment, but mostly you!
ReplyDeleteDeb
I saw that a lot when I was volunteering at a stroke support site...married people abandoning their spouse because of their spouse's disability or the disabled spouse did not get the support they needed. I always believed the marriages were probably in trouble beforehand but the stroke gave them an excuse to leave.
DeleteA sense of humor is a wonderful thing and helps people get along.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe someone complained about the waitress saying "you guys".
I am glad you and Don built such a nice life together.
Me neither on the "you guys" thing. One of the women who strongly objected to it used to be a social worker, two others used to teach in high schools and tried to break kids of saying it and the one who wrote the complaint card likes to think she's the queen of decorum and good manners.
DeleteThe 'over-woke' have always been around in this guise. They need to join the 'Get A Life' club.
DeleteYou have lived a fascinating, admirable life, and I'm betting most of the residents you hang with, would miss you sorely if you weren't there. The way people behave towards others speaks far louder than any other barometer.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part I am treated well around here. I got 15 birthday cards if that is a measure of anything plus some emails and of course, several rounds of 'Happy Birthday' sang to me.
DeleteI don't mind you guys but hate you gals. Does that make me a hypocrite? Those who have had "traditional" relationships don't understand and sometimes feel threatened by those that don't fit in their neat little box. Don and you did what worked for both of you. My boyfriend and I don't live together and don't intend to get married. One of my friends thinks that there is no point to our relationship because it's not leading to marriage. I tell him that John and I are happy and comfortable as we are.
ReplyDeleteI don't like 'you gals' either! Makes me feel old. Like I should be playing Bridge every afternoon.
DeleteOver the years it seemed to me that the ones who didn't get the concept of us not getting married but still having a good relationship were the ones in not-so-good marriages themselves. I think you don't take each other for granted when you don't live together. However, I must say when Don's health failed I was happy to get that piece of paper because even though we both had wills leaving each other every I worried one of his nephews might challenge that. But I think his side of he family was just glad he was mine to take care of with his severe disabilities after the stroke.
I have been known to use the "you guys" or "hey guys" thing alot. Especially when I write an email to friends & ask "how are you guys doing?" I turn 65 next month & recognized the beer hat right away & was thinking it was just an ad. Don't know if both of these are a generation thing or my blue collar roots showing. (I worked in an office for 40 years, but my dad was a factory worker for 30+ years.)
ReplyDeleteAs for the being together, but not married thing....my husband & I are celebrating our 33 anniversary this month, but we've been together for 48 years. We did live together for 3 years before we got married, but our reason for moving in had more to do with getting him out of an unsafe neighborhood & me getting a bigger place, then anything else. We had separate bedrooms then & still do - it keeps the peace when one of us snores (him) or has issues due to allergies (me). His family never understood that we didn't need to be married, to be together. And yet, we're the only ones, in the family, still married to the same person.
There are a few couples here who have separate bedrooms. My husband snored so loud I had to have earplugs by the time we shared a bedroom. He also had a custom made alarm that the neighbors across the street could literally hear and he's sleep through. They'd come across the street and bang on the side of the house near the bedroom to get him to wake up and turn it off. I could not sleep at his house knowing that was coming in the morning.
DeleteIt doesn't surprise me that you are the ones who stayed together while others in the family didn't. Had that happen with us too.
We Southerners get mocked for saying ya'll, but I now see a distinct advantage because the plural "all" part of ya'll is genderless. We don't have to worry about whom we're addressing except that, at least in this part of the South, addressing a single person as ya'll means you might as well have a big Y for Yankee painted on your forehead. All these norms are just that, and while I don't want to be addressed by a derogatory term, my definition of derogatory has loosened a lot. When I needed a cane for a few years in my early 60's, people here started addressing me as "sweetie." My husband is wonderful, but he's not a touchy-feely person, and I admit to loving being called sweetie, while friends would curl their upper lips.
ReplyDelete'You al' is genderless isn't it. I've have to try that out and is if anyone cringes.
DeleteFunny how being called 'sweetie' starts at a certain age or physical condition. Sometimes it bothers me and other times it doesn't. Not sure if it's the mood I'm in or the person saying it.
Getting old can be fun and difficult at the same time and also challenging for many who try and fight getting older, I just go with the flow
ReplyDeleteThat's the best way to go if you can do it.
Deletehang on - America is a classless society. It's we Brits who are obsessed..
ReplyDeleteFunny you should say that. The woman who complained about being called 'you guys' thinks she should be a British subject.
DeleteI'm betting that server is young. You guys is really common terminology now, and I can't imagine reporting someone for it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and Don each found the right person. :-)
You are right. She's 18 and I'm over 80 and have been saying it for decades.
DeleteHere's a bit of Texas trivia for you: the plural of y'all is 'all y'all.' As for some other terms that youngsters seem to take offense at, there's 'sweetie,' 'hon,' and from the Hispanic guys I work on the docks with, 'mami.' Of course this is the land of 'sir' and 'ma'am,' too: at least it is outside of the hip urban centers. I love it. I can 'yessir' and 'no'm' with the best of them, and still have a gay old time. Nobody's taking my words away from me -- I love every one of them, even the ones I don't use because I think they're hackneyed or coarse.
ReplyDeleteI laughed at your reference to blue collar. Given my move from esteemed professional to dock worker, I've often thought my autobiography would have to be titled I Passed for Blue Collar. It's really interesting how many dock workers have academic degrees or successful careers in other fields. They're just happier doing manual labor. My theory is that at the end of the day, we can see what we accomplished -- or didn't, of course.
I caught myself saying "sweetie" to one of the black waitresses here last week. She's from the Dominion Republic---they all are---and has to hug everyone. I can't pronounce her name no matter how hard I try to remember. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to e offended.
DeleteThere are a lot of educated and/or smart people working in blue collar jobs where there is less pressure and you can be yourself. I'm happier when I can have something tangible to show at the end of the day for my efforts. So I get that with your boat work. Plus I refinished a lot of furniture back in the 70's and know how meditative that can be and there is a higher standard with boat finishes, I think. What I'm trying to say is there is no secret why you love your work.
Jean :
ReplyDeleteI was in awe of your relationship with Don after being together for that long & not married was beyond my comprehension since I came from different culture where even love marriage was frowned upon during my time of growing up in India with strict parents, so it was so foreign to me but then marrying him even with his severe disabilities & not running away like so many other spouses do after adversity strikes made me realize there are all types of people in the world, some runaway some stay together & their relationship gets stronger. I still remember you saying marriages which breaks apart already must have issues & adversity gave them opportunity to rush out of the door (so true). I am so grateful in our relationship hubby is more levelheaded & mature than me so he stayed even when things got difficult, I doubt if I had courage to stick it out like him if he had stroke & not me. Now I am learning more reasons for you guys living separate. you guys were one great team together.
You got a good guy and I'd have to admit that in your case an arranged marriage worked out well and I'm guessing we can credit your parents for that...that they knowing you both well enough to know you'd be a good fit. As for you sticking around had he been the one to have the stroke, my money's on you finding the strength and commitment it would take.
DeleteGolly, you two sound like Rick and me -- only we've only been together 27 years. If we ever get married it will probably be for my insurance, thanks to MSU's golden handcuffs from when I retired (the new hires don't get that great a benefit). I'm the one with "stuff," relatively neat. He's the one with mess. I'm the one who doesn't quite clean the corners and all. He's the one who goes at the radiators with a toothbrush (and then leaves the toothbrush on the kitchen table with the mail, his bike helmet, ipad and who knows what else.) He rides his bike for hours. I sit and paint. We treasure our independent time and we treasure our together time. And all our friends say, "that's just the best ever. You are so smart."
ReplyDeletePeople will always bug each others (couples) with something or other. Our advantage is that we avoid a lot of that with separate spots. So, by and large, our times are very good ones indeed. As Rick says, "We have paperwork -- it's just for medical power of attorney and our end of life trusts. We just skipped the other stuff."
OK -- funny story. I think of myself as a collector (and it does look decent -- there's just a lot (especially at Christmas). On Sunday we had brunch with four other couples. I know the women well but less so some of the men, one of whom said, as we were discussing a friend of his who was a hoarder, "do you have a lot of stuff?" I paused to think because -- well, I don't hoard. I collect. And with that pause, the half of the table in that discussion just burst into hysterical laughter that continued longer than it should have. I have to admit, I might have been laughing loudest!
Yours and Rick's relationship really is the closest to what Don and I had that I've ever run across. In the early years people hassled us about it but like yours most came to understand it.
DeleteDon never would have called himself a hoarder but when 'collections' take over your living space you become a hoarder. It might be antique or nice stuff of value that Don couldn't pass up but it was still rooted in the trauma of loss plus having an addictive personality---antiques was a much better addiction than drugs or alcohol. Being the one without good insurance I am glad it came with the marriage when we finally did it after his stroke and that was important to Don to make sure I had it. Case in point my recent stay in the hospital cost roughly $40,000 and after insurance I only had to pay $1,000.
The industrial medical complex at work. It's like all the people with insurance are paying (or the company is paying) for all the people without who default. I will never understand hospital pricing. I'm just glad I'm insured.
DeleteBeautiful blog
ReplyDeleteYou and Don had the same relationship as my Dear Friend Bess who worked at the D.A.'s Office with me. She was about your Age too and her Partner, Jim, she had been with for almost 50 Years, except they never Married, lived close to each other here and in Chicago, did everything together as a Married Couple, were in each other's Wills, had Keys to each others Homes and spent almost some of every day together. She had been Married once to a Pro Gambler in Vegas, he'd never been Married, they used to celebrate their Not-Wedding Anniversary. I have a Blog Friend in London, Vix, she and her Guy have that same kind of Relationship, tho' they do live together. I think unconventional unions can work out Fine if mutually it's agreeable. I wasn't Married to The Daughter's Father ever. I've had long term relationships that didn't have a Ceremony. The Man too didn't Marry everyone he was in a long term Relationship with. I used to joke that I was his 5th Wife. *LOL* We've been Married now over 36 Years and it astounds both of our Families, since, they always considered us Untraditional and not likely to get Married, let alone STAY Married. *LOL* The Daughter and The Son have never Married, yet she has 5 Kiddos and both have been in long term Relationships for sometimes over a Decade and he Raised Kids he never Fathered. I laughed out loud about you saying Don used having a Space as an excuse to do what he just naturally did... since... I am quite sure I'm the Female version of him. *Winks* I loved hearing this intimate part of your Story. Sometimes we Share with certain people and others can know us a long time and know nothing about us. I probably tell random people more than I'd ever tell someone close, weird perhaps, but Safer... I'll likely never see those random folks again and my Shared Story might have amused them for the moment but not been anything significant to them since we had no investment in one another, just killing time talking about random stuff and some of it just happened to land on Life in General or particular Stories. For some reason people often Share their Stories with me, I guess I must be approachable like that and often they'll tell me they've never told anyone else what they just told me. And Yes, I'm Dawn, and I'm a Hoarder of Beautiful Great Stuff. *Ha ha ha*
ReplyDeleteYes, you very much are the female version of Don more than one way. He could and did talk to everyone and they'd tell him thinks people normally don't share with strangers you just meant. Both Don and I had been in one long term relationship that didn't work out but no marriages or kids. I'll bet these kinds of relationships are more common than one might think. We just didn't disclose them back in the day and I still don't with people who I think might judge unfairly. It's easier to disclose your secrets in a blog where people wouldn't know me if they walked by me on the street.
DeleteThanks for sharing you stories with me.
I love your unconventional couple story. When I was doing research on single women in the nineties, I discovered that a common fantasy among the widows I interviewed was a relationship a bit like yours and Don's. They didn't want to marry again, but they wanted sexual and emotional intimacy, deep friendship, and companionship within a "separate houses" framework.
ReplyDeleteI came face-to-face with my working-class roots when I took my first full-time teaching job at an elite liberal arts college in my early thirties. I remember that one summer I seriously considered a program of reading all the classic children's literature that frequently came up in faculty lunchroom conversations and none of which I had ever read (despite the fact that I was a voracious reader). Given that I had a PhD dissertation to get written, I quickly realized that this was not a smart use of my time and decided that people would have to take me as I was. I'm glad I got that sorted out for myself early in my adult life.
I fully believe that if you find someone you are committed to and trust separate houses works really well. Communication---intimacy or bod and mind---is the key that makes these unconventional relationships work.
DeleteI didn't read the commonly known fairly tales until a few years ago when my niece (who taught reading at the time) sent me a box of them to read.) I blamed not having kids or grandkids to read to for my lack of education in that department which I'm guessing is yours as well.