How to Keep Your Apartment Super Clean

I’ve finally figured out how to keep my apartment clean and ready for drop-in company at any moment. Step one: Have a second cousin and her husband invite themselves over one Friday afternoon for a tour of the complex and to catch up on family news. I was excited to do it and needless to say I worked hard at spit shining my apartment so it looked its best. I used to babysit her and her three siblings---two sets of twins and let me tell that’s not an easy task for a young teenager and if I’m not mistaken that’s when I came up with the slogan that I’ve literally used ever since those bygone days of: “I won’t babysit anyone who isn’t old enough to say, ‘My stomach hurts. I need to go to the hospital.’”  

Step two in how to keep my apartment spic and span: Have that same cousin want to come back the following Friday to look at and identify old family photos and to include my oldest niece in the process. 

Before the first Friday it took me two days to get my apartment looking its best---dusting and cleaning the floors, the bathrooms and kitchen because it came when I couldn’t have the benefit of my monthly “Environmental Specialist” aka cleaning woman’s scheduled stop. I didn’t want to repeat the two days of cleaning so in between the two Fridays I was extra careful not to mess things up again…and that’s the secret. From now on I’m going to require someone to stop by every Friday. Heck, if I could wave a magic wand and make that happen I could fire my cleaning lady who, by the way, had barely anything to clean this month since I was on her schedule the following Monday morning after the second Friday. Both of those Friday visits, by the way, were full of joy and we made plans for a couple of summer get-togethers. 

Isn’t it silly (or maybe cleaver) that the management calls our cleaning service people 'Environmental Specialists?' I suppose its meant to give them more pride and prestige and I can imagine that title has a practical application for the young and single Environmental Specialists out on the town trying to pick up members of the opposite sex. When they first opened this continuum care complex and we had our first monthly Resident Dialogues meeting with the management, on the agenda was a line about introducing us to the Environmental Specialist team and no one sitting around me could figure out what that position was.

We get the cleaning service free and can’t change our dates of service. And even if I wanted to I couldn’t fire my ES nor could I get a rebate if I canceled. Trust me, people here in the CCC have tried. They has a list of things they can’t clean that would be considered deep cleaning in most people’s lives but some residents have too high of expectations, in my opinion. It’s a basic cleaning meant to keep our kitchens and bathroom from making us sick from germy surfaces and our floors mopped and vacuumed. One man got so mad that the management wouldn’t give him a $40 credit for not allowing the ES into his apartment that he put a chair outside his door and expected the cleaning woman to sit there for the whole hour and half she was scheduled to clean his place. “Since I have to pay for her time anyway.” Another woman---our resident MAGA fan---is so distrusting of cleaning people that she won’t leave them alone in a room because she thinks “they’ll steal you blind.” I’m pretty darn sure that everyone working here has to pass a background check so that doesn’t concern me. Still, I’m not naive either and I lock my filing cabinet on cleaning day where everything needed to steal my identity is kept. And after spending five or ten minutes talking to my ES I’ll walk over the the cafe for coffee.

We’ve had three different cleaners since I moved in two years ago. The first one was a fresh-off-the-boat Irish immigrant. She got moved to cleaning on our sister campus because so many people complained about her. I felt badly for her and thought she was a victim of the residents' unrealistic expectations for places like this. Next we got a black guy aka Mr. Eye Candy who left to start his own cleaning company. He was one of the best cleaners I’ve been around. Our management just subcontracted his new company to clean our carpets in the spring. The young black girl who replaced him has the same aspirations of starting her own service. Both are super nice kids. (I’m old, anyone under 35 is a kid.)

I personally think our forced cleaning service is an excuse for the management to check on us seniors. To make sure we aren’t turning into hoarders (we do have one here) or otherwise inviting bugs and mice in or doing dangerous stuff like burning candles or smoking (we have one of those, too) or leaving burners turned on or having an unregistered pet that isn't being fed or walked outside for potty breaks. If my theory is right, I’m not unhappy about that. Some of us seniors need a Big Brother watching over us. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. ©

P.S. Our resident smoker was recently sent to a hypnotist, but claims it didn’t work. Management is sending him back for a second session. In the meantime he’s supposed to only smoke on his deck which is so much better than him trying to hide in the closet where he smoked before. He’s in his mid 80s and I’m glad we don’t live in the same building. The hoarder lives in my building and I’m guessing the fire department will give her a health and well-being citation when they inspect the smoke alarms and sprinklers next summer.