From Missing Words in the Village to Bat-sh*t Crazy Ideas

This post explores the quiet unraveling of verbal fluency in aging—how the right word can hover just out of reach, even when the mind is sharp and the stories are intact. It reflects on the embarrassment of word-search moments, the resilience of written expression, and the legacy of objects that speak when words falter. From a dinner-table stumble to a toy camera turned memory keeper, it’s a meditation on communication, dignity, and the joy of documenting a life in dots, notes, and snapshots.   AI….

I hate admitting this, but I’m losing my verbal communication skills. I word-search way too often—knowing what I want to say but not being able to get the right word to roll off my tongue. For example, my oldest niece and her husband took me out to dinner recently and when it came time to order I couldn’t tell the waitress I wanted a quesadilla. We’d just discussed our choices before she came over to our table, so I ended up pointing to my niece and saying, “She knows what I want.” It was embarrassing.

Google says, “Word search issues in seniors can stem from normal aging, stress, fatigue, or anxiety, and neurological conditions like dementia, stroke, or traumatic brain injury. Other causes include certain medications, hearing loss, and vitamin deficiencies.” If mine is from normal aging then I’m, as they say, screwed because a reliable time machine hasn’t been built yet. If it’s caused by my chronic fatigue from getting up seven to ten times a night to pee, I’m also screwed. I’ve tried two medications for nocturia urination and they have not worked. The doctor says there are a dozen others I can try, but many come with side effects, and the trial-and-error period to find the right one is long and could be painful in parts I shall not mention.  

Sometimes I listen intently to my fellow residents here in the independent living building at my CCC to see if others my age word-search as much as I do. Many of us do it—some far more often than others. The phrase, “It takes a village” is a common rejoinder after a table full of us seniors has helped someone come up with a word that they can’t say. It’s slightly less embarrassing when I’m with peers, but when I’m with younger people, it’s hard not to be embarrassed by a word-search episode. At what point does embarrassment turn into depression—and we just quit trying to communicate because we fear what may or may not come out of our mouths? I’m already to the point where I don’t contribute to some conversations because I’m having a bad “speech day.”

 Word-search issues also aren’t a true reflection of what’s going on inside my brain’s communication center. My writing skills, for example, have gotten better as I age. It’s crossed my mind that one day I could claim I’d had a stroke that left me with aphasia and unable to talk. Then I could carry around a tablet to type my side of conversations. But having watched how people treated my husband in the twelve and a half years after his massive stroke and loss of all communications skills, I know the default impression a non-verbal person leaves is one of a lowered IQ. Don certainly didn’t lose any IQ points with his stroke. Most people were kind—even went out of their way to show compassion—but I’m sure he felt the misjudging just as I could see it. (Note: I'm not saying all people who become non-verbal keep all their IQ points. I'm just saying it's not true in all cases.)  

For me, when my word-search issues get worse, it’ll be like being back in grade school—hearing my mom, in a fit of extreme frustration, call me “stupid,” and teachers labeling me "slow." I had an undiagnosed, mild case of dyslexia back when learning disabilities weren’t part of the national vocabulary. I’ve long since forgiven my mom, but sometimes those childhood scars itch, and I have to resist scratching them until they’re raw. I suppose that’s human nature. No one gets to be in their 70s and 80s without a few scars that itch from time to time.

Time to switch topics. I bought myself a camera. I swore I wouldn’t buy anything else that needs charging—but here I am, adding one more device to my charging station. Yeah, I know, I have a perfectly good camera on my phone and a decent 35mm in the closet. But this camera is special. It’s like the old Polaroids—snap a photo and it prints in seconds. It’s a cheap camera made for kids and it only prints in black and white but it won’t matter for the project I bought it for. (Hint: Now that I’ve used it, I do wish I’d upgraded to a color version.) Both, though, will print photos off your photo using an app and blue tooth. It’s hard to tell if the poor quality of the prints is because I can’t hold my hand steady long enough to click the shutter, or if it’s just the nature of what’s advertised as a child’s toy. Either way, I’m having fun with it. 

What’s my project? Decades ago, I went to an estate sale where most of the items had notes attached that gave the history of each piece. The daughter of the man whose estate was being sold said her 80-something father became obsessed with documenting his belongings so his kids would know what was important to keep. Going through that house was like walking down Memory Lane with a stranger who turned into a friend after reading all the notes. I bought the first pair of long pants the man had worn as a child in 1902—a beautifully tailored, tiny wool pair of knickers. I left his note in the pocket, along with one of my own, when I sold them on eBay in 2020. The woman who received them was thrilled with the notes, and said when she was ready to part with them, she’d add her own. If I were King, that’s what would happen to all the interesting objects in the world: they’d come with pedigrees.

I’ve never forgotten how fun that estate sale was and the older I get, the more tempted I’ve been to write notes for all my possessions. Enter the camera. Instead of writing and hanging tags on every object in my apartment—which even I would find reason enough to think I’d gone bat-shit crazy—I got the bright idea to take tiny photos with my new toy camera and stick them in a blank-paged book. The photos have peel-and-stick backs which makes them extremely easy to tear from the camera and apply. I’m writing next to the photos, but my plan is to get a sheet of color dots to code them as well.

I’ll color-code some items to go with me to Assisted Living or Memory Care—in case I can’t talk by then. I can’t expect my nieces to know what things I want to stare at in my final days and what things I don’t want to risk getting stolen by other residents or staff. (It happens. Things disappeared from both my dad’s Hospice Room and my brother’s Memory Care rooms.)

Twenty-five of those colored dots will go on items I want included in a mock auction—with just my immediate family present, using Play Money. That way, they can decide for themselves what they might want, instead of me earmarking things for certain people. And if no one wants any of it and one of my great-nieces or nephews ends up winning all the bids and reselling stuff on e-Bay? So be it. E-Bay puts collectibles into the hands of people how appreciate what they are buying. I heard about a family who did this, and when I told my youngest niece about the plan, she thought it would be lots of fun. 

There you have it—another rambling Wednesday post. See you next week. ©