The Widow's Quilt and Tears

After Don’s stroke we had two auctions to downsize our lives---one of Don’s business equipment and collectible stuff that was housed in a large pole barn and one of household stuff, my wedding rental equipment and various stuff we couldn’t take to the one bedroom apartment we had moved into as we waited for our wheelchair accessible house to get built. At the time I had several half-done quilts that sold at auction and I think of those quilts every once in a while, wondering if they ever got finished. Their plight reminds me of my mother. In the year before she died she made a New Year’s Resolution to finish every project she ever started or dreamed of starting. She did things like refinish pieces of furniture she wanted handed down in the family. She finished all her knitting projects and she painted works of art for everyone she cared about. And then she died. It wasn't as if she had advanced warning of her impending death to make her want to finish up the loose ends of her life. She died from something totally unforeseen.

Since the auctions I managed to make another quilt, a queen-sized top that has been waiting ten plus years for me to mate it with its backing. Just before Don died, I had decided to take the quilt top to a long-arm machine quilting service---rather than me finishing up the project by hand---but it still hangs in the closet. I think I’m afraid if it gets finished then I’ll died of something unforeseen like my mom and Don did. Totally irrational thinking I know but, hey, I never claimed to be a sane and clear thinking person.

I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I missed the Red Hat Society Christmas party. I wasn’t willing to drive ten miles on secondary roads, through a winter advisory that included up to six inches of blowing snow. What’s wrong with me? From the mass e-mails going back and forth this morning I was the only one who canceled out. But then again most of the other women live in my adapted home town which is seven miles closer to the party location plus they all have kids/grandchildren who could pull them out of a ditch should they get into trouble. Two days ago there was a forty car pileup near-by and the roads have only gotten worse since then. The odds were high, in my opinion, that my little Malibu would have been in a ditch and I’d miss the party anyway. At times like this I miss having a four wheel drive pickup truck with an orange flasher on top. I felt safe in that vehicle and I was spoiled to have one at my disposal for so many decades. Life changes. We grow old and loss our self-confidence. Well, at least I seem to be losing mine when it comes to winter driving, not that I was ever very brave without my pickup truck.

So what was all that happy crap I wrote about on December 9th--choosing our change? I am sitting here choosing to make myself melancholy thinking about unfinished quilts and my unfinished life and wishing the former could get finished and the latter could go on forever. If I wasn’t so old I’d think I’m having PMS. I’m up one day then down with just a little hiccup in my master plan for making a new life for myself. No party. Boohoo. I should survive the disappointment, don't you think? After missing the party today I had gone out to get my mail and saw that a neighbor had snow-blown my sidewalk. His kindness brought tears to my eyes. I wasn’t looking forward to shoveling all that snow. I don’t know the guy very well but he was the very first neighbor to introduce himself when we moved in and I could tell by the way he always treated my disabled husband that the man has a good heart. Why should this neighbor’s kindness make me weepy today of all days? I know, I’m a woman and women don’t need an excuse for turning into tear factories.

Oh, well, if I’m down today then that means I’ll be up tomorrow….or by Tuesday at the latest. The weather will be better by Tuesday and I have another party to go to that afternoon. This one, within a couple of miles of home. ©

My unfinished quilt that I call "Keeping me Sane" made while we were living in the apartment.

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