The weeks leading up to Easter here at the continuum care complex were slow and boring if you’re not a Christian who took part in all the related activities that goes on between Lent and Easter---Ash Wednesday, the faith movies and book discussions, doing the stations of the cross and the Good Friday service. It’s like there’s an alternate universe and the one I’m living in had only three Easter related things on the schedule: Fat Tuesday, an Easter Buffet and an Easter egg hunt for grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Easter weekend was mostly fun though. Friday my niece brought her three youngest grandkids to the Easter egg hunt that took place inside the fenced garden park in between our assisted living and memory care buildings. It’s a pretty area about the size of a half a football field. It was a warm, sunny day just perfect for the residents to sit outside in the center of the park and watch the kids. The kids from my family made quite the haul, the youngest finding 28 plastic eggs filled with candy. She’s four years old and her mom asked her to go give some of her eggs to the smaller kids in attendance and she did without a whimper or protest. She such a cute little girl. When she was in the car ready to leave she said to me, “It was nice to see you again, Aunt Jean.” I’ve seen this little girl less than a dozen times in her entire life---they live far away---so I was shocked by her words until I realized her mother had said them to me just a few minutes beforehand. Still…
Two days after the hunt my brother was still obsessing that his daughter lost her grandchildren and is trying to cover it up and he was going to call the police on her. We all know you’re not supposed to argue with people with dementia but that’s easier said than done sometimes. The two of them fought over the phone a couple of times, so I went down to his building, hoping I could calm him down and get to the source of his dilution. I did the latter. Apparently when we were all sitting in a circle watching the kids my niece made a comment about not seeing the kids while they were all looking for eggs and that was enough to accuse her of losing the kids and driving off without them. No among of me telling him I saw the kids leaving in the car calmed him down. Me trying to explain there was no way for them to get out of that park to get lost because you need a code to get in or out of the area calmed him down. “I heard her say it with my own ears!” he told me before he accused me of always taking her side. “I’m not taking anyone’s side,” I replied. “I’m trying to explain how you’re taking a grain of sand and building a mountain out of it.” And for the first time since he’s lived in the CCC I felt myself getting mad at him. Breaking things down into logical bites wasn’t working and I knew better than to expect it would. He isn’t capable of nuanced thinking, of understanding my niece's off handed remark in an enclosed garden isn't the same as saying it in downtown Chicago with tears streaming down her cheeks. Still, I've always thought of myself as a peacemaker when things are heating up around me, of the person who could deescalate touchy situations. In this case, I lost my patience and walked out of his room.
I don’t know which is the worst fate of Senior living---losing your mental sharpness or your physical mobility. At the Easter buffet (served on Friday) I was seated across the table from a guy who had an operation on his neck and he was in a clam-shell brace from his neck to his belly. He’s one of my favorite residents here and it was his first time eating in the dining room since the surgery. His wife (I believe) made a mistake bringing him there and an even bigger one feeding him like a baby bird while his friends came over to welcome him back. I could read the growing anger in his eyes as she’d say things like, “How about a carrot? You like carrots.” At one point the kitchen manager came out, stood over him and forked food into his mouth so his wife could eat. After living with a guy who was non-verbal for over twelve years I got pretty good at reading body and facial language and I read “thoroughly embarrassed and extremely angry” sitting across the table that night.
On holidays they never serve any meals here at the CCC and I got an invitation to have dinner with four other ladies here and all I had to bring was a bottle of wine. My kind of invitation since I never did cook well or often enough to have confidence in what I’m doing. (For years, my contribution to holiday meals was a marinated four bean salad. If my mom and sister-in-laws were alive today I’d apologize to them all for me letting them do all the heavy, holiday lifting.)
All four of these ladies I spent Easter day with are liberal democrats and three of us play Mahjong together so I’m thinking it’s time to start calling them ‘friends’ instead of fellow residents. We had plenty to talk about. Three of the ladies are also in my book club and we are reading The Handmaid's Tale. Given what's going on in our country right now regarding woman's reproductive rights, it should be an interesting discussion. ©
* Photo at the top is part of the park where the Easter egg took place.
I'm glad you've found some compatible people. That means so much.
ReplyDeleteOur Tuesday Liberal ladies table now has 15 of us only now we're called the Tuesday Discussion Group and we sit at smaller tables and rotate who we sit with. I have found my tribe,
DeleteWhat a Slice Of Life post. It certainly shows how we take the good with the not-so-good and make the best of it all. How nice that you had a dinner party with your friends (and wine!), too. I'm sure the conversation was lively.
ReplyDeleteIt was really nice. The four others are very fit and walk each day several miles together. So to be included in their little group was an unexpected honor.
DeleteThat's quite an Easter. You make a good point about physical v. mental ability loss. I'm guessing Mr. Clamshell wasn't allowed to move his arms to ferry his food from plate to mouth? That would be grim. It reminds me of nurses in old TV shows that asked "How are we doing today?" "We don't like being talked to like a baby!"
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've moved from fellow residents to a few friends. They sound like your people who just may well deserve that name! Handmaid's Tale -- seriously topical!
Yes, that's the case with Mr. Clamshell. He's been in Respite Care and his wife just wheeled him down for Easter dinner. Would have been better if she's just brought him down to the fireplace before dinner started to socialize and gotten take-out to bring back to their apartment before bringing him back to the Respite Care building.
DeleteYes, I aspect a few fireworks when our book discussion comes around because there are as my ultra conservatives in the group and liberals.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall when your bookclub discusses The Handmaid's Tale...LOL! I'm glad you've found a bit of a tribe, Jean. I don't know how I would handle a family member having a delusion like that. It must have been so exasperating. Yeah, that sounded pretty awful - what Mr. Clamshell has to endure at the dinner table. I bet you don't see him again in the dining hall until the brace comes off.
ReplyDeleteDeb
For his sake I hope we don't see him again in the formal restaurant.
DeleteWe choose that book last summer---it takes that long to get our library's book club in a bag choices---but even then it was a bold choice. And I'm sure I'll write about it.
At the dementia support meetings they tell family members to distract and pivot to another topic and sometimes that works but almost as often it doesn't. They also say childhood feelings of all sorts get drenched up when a parent says or does certain things. So it's not always easy to separate the sickness from parent's past behavior. My past relationship with my brother is more remote so generally I can see him as a scared man lashing out and not let my emotion get entangled. But not this time. As I told my' niece, "We are the adults here so we can't expect him to apology."
It is hard to reason with someone who has dementia. My older brother is in early stages but showing more and more signs of confusion. I have to reach out to his wife and see how I might help. I'm thinking walks with him might be good for us both. My Dad had Alzheimer's so it's scary to see my brother's decline and he's only 74 - a year older than me.
ReplyDeleteI think it helps my brother to see me since often older memories are clearer than recent one. My brother is only 3 years older and that is scary too...looking for signs in myself.
DeleteReading your story about your brother's misunderstanding of his grandchildrens' whereabouts, caused me to remember when both my and my husband's grandmothers were struggling with dementia. We lived far enough away that we were not able to be of much assistance, but there were family members who lived close by and stepped up to oversee their care, thank goodness! What a huge responsibility they had--and many stories to tell. There were times we all laughed (like when my prim and proper grandmother "stole" all the stuffed animals and dolls from the residents near her, brought them back to her room, and proceeded to "teach" them their lessons. She had been a school teacher.) But watching them fade away was hard to handle.
ReplyDeleteI think you and your family are trying to do your best to help your brother, but it's difficult. One thing we learned was how important it was for the caregivers to get breaks. We all have to figure out what we can do to help, as well as taking care of ourselves.
So glad for your growing group of friends. I'm sure they make life at your CCC all the better!
The comforting part of growing our friendships here, when we all go on down the road we won't be with strangers since will all go in the same time frame we're assuming.
DeleteMy nieces are good at giving each other time to get away when they'll cover for each other. They are doing a super good job with their dad and I feel badly for them that he can't see and appreciate that.
How wonderful to find a like-minded group where you can discuss events without walking on eggshells. That is sad about your brother. :( Dementia is so cruel to the person and the family.
ReplyDeleteIt really is and we all look forward to our Tuesday dinners.
DeleteSo glad you found your tribe! Makes so much difference to be able to speak freely -- and with wine! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI would love to be a fly on the wall when your book group discusses The Handmaid's Tale. I read that in my first women's studies class back when it came out in the '80's. I certainly imagine we'd be living it. Ufff.
P.S. I have always thought the grounds of your CCC to be really beautiful. I love the picture at the top of your post, and even though it was difficult with your brother, I'm glad your niece and her kids got to share the Easter egg hunt.
ReplyDeleteWe have at least two hard-nosed Right-to-Life members in book club but I'm guessing one won't read the book. It should be an interesting discussions, for sure.
DeleteI love the grounds here. The path around the lake is my favorite.
I'm glad you had a good holiday, with food and fun and wine. It sounds delightful to me, so glad you're finding some kindred spirits.
ReplyDeleteMe too. It feels good to go unfiltered.
DeleteGood to find like minded people and dementia sucks but we all know that
ReplyDeleteI had to smile at your mention of that marinated four-bean salad. How well I remember that from our holidays: cut green beans, cut yellow beans, kidney beans, and... some other kind of bean. It actually was pretty good. We added onion to it, and a vinegar-y marinade; it was one of those dishes everyone liked.
ReplyDeleteI've never read The Handmaid's Tale, and didn't know much about it, so I went over and read the Wiki synopsis. Now, I'm certain that one bit of inspiration for Atwood was Utah's Mormon culture. When I was involved with the Lutheran church there, one movement I bumped into was an 'underground' designed to support Mormon women who dared to seek a divorce. Underneath the wholesome, family-friendly surface, there are some very odd and distinctly anti-woman attitudes lurking.
Chick peas, green pepper and onion in addition to the three beans you mentioned went in my salad. I love it still but it's hard to find in deli's now and you can't make a small batch.
DeleteThe book has a study guide that I plan to get and I'll let you know after we meet and I write a blog about if you're right about the author's inspiration. She fast fast-tracked bits and pieces from all over, I think, and pushed them forward in time to what they could lead to. What's going on now with one judge being able to take a 20 year abortion pill off the market for the entire nation is from the Pro-life movement. And her idea that fertility becomes scarce comes from over use of pesticides.
Glad Easter with Niece and Kiddos went well. Sorry about your Brother...The Man is like that so I sympathize...hard not to be angry when nothing works to diffuse situations they Imagine and get unhinged and unlovely about ... Harder still to preserve dignity publicly for those who need a higher level of care...Dawn the Bohemian
ReplyDeleteThey can fool you though, can't they. You can go along with everything seemly okay and logic and/or distraction actually works then the next day it's frustrating as all get out which I know you know about with your husband.
DeleteAbsolutely, what works with him one day might not be effective another day. They can and do fool you constantly... also, sometimes I think he really has more self-control and awareness, and uses his Disability as an excuse to try to get away with things. Not always of coarse, clearly there is a deterioration that is obvious to us all and scary, since, you never know how bad it can get or how long you can manage them and their level of Care they will require?
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