I’m beginning to wonder if I’m experiencing mild depression brought on by my recent fall and hospitalization. It was the first time I actually thought that I could die. In the back of my mind I’ve been living in the happy illusion that I wouldn’t/couldn’t die a minute before I am damn good and ready and I have/had things that needed doing first before I'm a candidate for that club. Yeah, I know I need to dust the glitter off my shoes, rip the rainbow ribbons out of my hair and leave my white unicorn in the barn because The Fall shattered that illusion and left me feeling disjointed. When it comes to thinking about my own demise I've spent my entire life living Scarlett O'Hara's infamous motto: "I'll think about tomorrow. I can stand it then. After all tomorrow is another day."
But what if tomorrow never comes.... hey, that would make a great title for this post…except for the fact that I just googled the phrase and it came up with 270,000 links. Granted I’ll bet most of them are to Garth Brooks' schmaltzy love song with lyrics like, "If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I loved her?" But some of those links led to an old proverb about procrastination and google defines the phrase this way: “A goal or action which is postponed until a future day is often never accomplished...”
I grew up in a family that didn’t say the “L” word often. I don’t even remember a specific occasion when one of my my parents said it to me or to each other. Writing it in a greeting card came easier and we all did it. Yesterday on a visit I told my brother he needs to say it to his kids, that they need to hear it. I’m not sure if that’s true or if he’ll remember to do it but at the time he agreed that growing up we didn’t hear it as often as kids should. I’ve said it to my nieces and nephew in recent weeks, too. So I can check that off my list of Things I Shouldn’t Postpone. My husband and I didn’t say it often either but I’m quite sentimental over the fact that the very last thing I said to Don was “I love you” and his very last words on earth were, “Love you.”
Looking for memes or quotes to go with this post brought me one that made me laugh---the Woody Allen one at the top. Another one agitated me. It shows a young woman from the back in high heel shoes walking down the center of a snow covered, country road---no other signs of life around---and in bold black letters it said, “The life in front of you is far more important that the life behind you.” My first thought was, How many people over 80 feel that way? and my second thought was, That woman is going to die of hypothermia! I live in Michigan. Women don’t walk around in high heels in snow regardless of how often the Hallmark Christmas movies make it look normal.
Do you think God puts things in your path when you need them---something I often hear where I’m living. Or do you believe those things are always there but when you need them they register on you conscience mind? I believe the latter and that happened to me when I connected with a few lines in a book club choice. I shared it in a recent post but I’ll repeat it here. Fannie Flagg wrote the following: “Thanks to Dr. Sharpio she had learned that being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.” When I read the book a couple of years ago that passage went right by me, but not this time. I’ve read and reread it a dozen times trying to decide which side I fall on. Have I achieved anything worthy of the 'success label' or did I overcome stuff that makes me a successful person?
Quite by serendipity I had conversation a few days ago with another woman here and I shared that quote with her after she said she didn’t write a bio for the Women’s Day Tea. She said she’s not as accomplished as most of the women living here, not in the same class. (Sounds like an echo of what I wrote in a post recently, doesn’t it.) “Too blue collar to fit in is how I often feel!” I exclaimed. “Exactly,” she replied, “I’ve never had money to travel all over the world. I didn’t go to college or have time to join clubs and foundations. I had an unhappy first marriage and had to work to feed and raise my kids by myself.” I never would have guessed we both have what I’m nicknaming the Blue Collar Syndrome. I didn’t have kids to feed or an unhappy marriage but I sure could identify with her feeling inferior because she didn’t go to college. I felt that way for 25 years before I went back to finish up the degree I started after high school. Walking across that stage to get my diploma rates in the top three happiest days of my life.
At the risk of throwing negative thoughts out into the universe. I’d like to know exactly what others in their "twilight years" think is more important in their futures than stuff that's happened in our pasts. I can’t believe my health will improve or I’ll start traveling or that friends and family won’t start dropping like confetti thrown in the air. The fun activities here I do somethings feels like I’m just marking time until I die.
Like I said at the beginning, I think I’m experiencing a mild depression which is not something I've experienced much in my life. I’d better figure it out soon because I have the Medicare, annual wellness test in mid April and we all know there are questions on it about our mental health. Will I tell the truth about my ambiguous feelings or will I lie? Without missing a beat I'll answer my own question using my best Mary Sunshine voice and say, I'll think about it tomorrow. I can stand it then. After all tomorrow is another day. ©
