The third sadiversary of Don’s passing is coming up soon and
I don’t know how to feel about that. I do know that I’ve let him go and I am at
peace with where he’s at. But I still think of him daily. How could I not? I often
feel him still around me. It may seem overly dramatic to quote a well-known poem
here but I’m going to do it anyway. It was printed on the remembrance cards
handed out at Don’s memorial service and sometimes when I read it, it speaks so
softly to me I can barely hear it; other times it shouts out, ”Listen, widow lady!----”
I give you this one thought to keep –
I am with you still--- do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am a diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grains,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
The soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone,
I am with you still in each new dawn.
Many widows know exactly what I mean when I say sometimes I
feel my deceased husband around me. It’s a palatable feeling that probably comes
from having known another person so well, you know exactly what they’d say and
feel in any given situation. But I’m willing to believe it could go deeper,
more mystical than that. If a 3-D copy machine can make real, three dimensional
things like car parts---and they can---then why can’t the universe turn three
dimensional living beings back into energy forces that can’t be seen? If Man
can build a ‘magic machine’ like that then why should we put limitations on
what Mother Nature can do? Spirits on another plane of existence? Why not?
At my first sadiversary I pronounced that my first year of
widowhood had been all about survival and as my mission statement for the second
year ahead, I proclaimed it would be a year for rebuilding a social life as a
single woman. My success at that mission was a mixed bag, given the fact that often
it’s a hollow feeling social life that I created with no deep attachments
formed. But I get out of the house, see people, and have a little fun here and
there. I don’t stay at home doing comedy acts in the dark on the off chance
they might entertain a ghost in the house. Recently a fellow blogger posted a
comment about my failed attempt to find a few close friends that is worth
repeating in this post. Jean from Step Into the Future wrote:
"After my marriage ended when I was about thirty, I
went through something similar regarding friendships. I kept trying to create a
single ‘best friend’ pair bond that would have all the emotional characteristics
of a good marriage -- one person that, above all others, you can confide in and
rely on in the world. It took me many years to realize that friendship is
different from marriage and that I need different friendships for different
aspects of my life, needs, and interests. It can be an uphill battle, though,
because I think our culture is always telling us that meeting our needs with
many relationships is inferior to meeting them with just one primary
relationship.”
She is one smart woman and I’m so glad she shared those wise
words here. I get it now, you can’t replace a soul mate like he/she was just
goldfish floating at the top of the tank.
At my second sadiversary (a year ago) I wrote a new mission statement:
To seek contentment and I’d give myself a C+ on reaching that goal. I have lots
of room for improvement but I don’t have to hang my head in shame. I didn’t
stand still emotionally this past year while taking up space here on Widowhood
Lane. I feel calmer inside, more in control of managing my expectations. Less
desperate because I realize, now, that “being alone in the world” is a false perception
that I’d nursed to perfection since Don passed away. It was never true. Family,
old friends---they’ll be here if I truly have a need. They can't walk my walk, but they'd be here....
This week I’m at the dawning of my fourth year of widowhood and
I’m still working on a mission statement for the coming twelve months. The fact
that I don’t have one might actually be a good sign? Maybe deep inside I know I
no longer need a mission statement to motive myself to put one foot in front of
the other when I get up in the mornings. I’m tying up loose ends from the past and
I’m moving forward into the future. But make no mistake about it, Don may not
be here physically but he is woven to the fabric of my life. For better or
worse, that will never change and that is something that all widows understand.
©
This is my favorite photo of Don. It was taken in 2003, a few years after his stroke, when I had a Red Hat Society party at the house. It was at the tail end of the party after half the women had left when he came wheeling out of the bedroom where he'd been the whole time. One of the ladies still there made him an honorary member. I like the photo because it shows his great smile, twinkling eye and sense of humor. He couldn't say (or write) more than 15-20 words back then but there is no denying that he could still communicate with his expressions.
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