I've been trying my darn-est to cut calories and increase my physical activities these past few weeks so I am now making my nightly hot chocolate in a six ounce cup with one marshmallow instead of in a ten ounce cup with two or three marshmallows. I've even tried drinking brewed tea in the evenings but I don’t like the stains on my teeth from drinking too much tea so it's not a go-to favorite of mine. My mom was avid tea drinker (and my oldest niece, too) and I keep a ceramic pot in my kitchen in her honor. I wish she'd lived long enough to experience Starbuck's summer teas. It always makes me feel luxurious when I can order one of their Iced Peach Green Tea Lemonades.
Growing up my parents weren’t rich be any stretch of the imagination but they were hard working and provided my brother and me with a stability neither one of them had in their childhoods. We had three meals a day, clothes aplenty, a nice middle-class neighborhood to live in, a summer cottage where we grew treasured memories. And we had love. Not the said-out-loud kind of love but my brother and I knew we had it even if as kids we didn't recognize what a blessing that was. The closest I ever came to poverty and poor people growing up was hearing the stories my folks told of their childhoods and seeing my mom slip tens and twenties to some of our less fortunate relatives.
Then I entered the work force I made enough money to support myself and to squirrel away a little for a rainy day but I didn’t have health insurance. Things were going good until I broke my foot and had to be on crutches for twelve weeks, I couldn’t do my job and I had a hard time paying my bills. The classic statement---before Obamacare came along---that we are all only a heartbeat away from a major financial crisis in our lives due to a medical emergency became real to me. My bank account and my sense of security recovered quickly after that summer but it was a lesson learned and that lesson gave me greater empathy later on in life after my husband’s stroke.
Don had good insurance so that part of the stress a major medical crisis brings to the Table of Life was not one of our problems. Downsizing was, though, and we had more than most people to dispose of…two houses, various trucks, three front end loaders, a street sweeper and a huge poll building full of commercial and personal stuff. It was the hardest period in my life. Downsizing was/is hard emotional work.
Yesterday my youngest niece asked me if I'd ever heard of the Swedish Death Cleaning and panic set in. We were communicating by text so I couldn’t decide at first if: A) she thought I should get rid of everything except the bare essentials of living out my days, B) she thought her husband should do one because they've been stressed all year over a re-occurring medical issue, or C) it was just an off-handed question because she'd just heard about the Swedish Death Cleanings at a Christmas party. She's had a house cleaning service most of her adult life so I'm pretty sure---now---she asked out of professional curiosity.
Still, I told her after Don's stroke I tried to get him to sell some stuff he wasn't ready to let go of, like his classic Corvette and hunting gear, and even though I knew he'd never recovery enough to get his old life back, I had to back off on selling certain Memory Makers because it was like I was taking his hope for a full recovery away. Sitting around in a house stripped of everything but the bare necessities (the goal of Swedish Death Cleanings) might sound altruistic when you're middle-aged and looking at seniors near the end of their lives but it sounds ghoulish when you're the senior. Remember when we had blogger friends who did the Swedish Death Cleaning? I felt ghoulish back then and it still does. If the idea comes from within, that's one thing but someone nagging another into the process is quite a different can of worms.
Still... I do have a small project in my den that will involve some downsizing/purging and project Make-my-Den-Function-Better is at the top of my New Year's Resolutions List.
Until Next Wednesday. ©
I have been sorting or downsizing the last few years and there is plenty more that needs to go. My husband has always kept things I would have tossed out long ago as I am not a collector of “things.” He would always say “you never know when you might need that scrap of wood or that broken light.” There were times he proved to be right but I never told him that. I have two areas that really need de cluttering, the basement and upstairs. The attic is completely empty but I have a long way to go. I admire all you have done, over the years getting rid of stuff. I don’t want to leave all of this for our kids but, then again, maybe I should. JJ
ReplyDeleteDe-cluttering is one thing. The Swedish Death Cleaning started as something terminal people do so their kids don't have to. Some of us do keep more stuff than we need to but like your husband, my generation comes from a place where our parent taught many of us that rainy days are right around the corner and we many need our 'stuff' again.
DeleteP.S. J.J. You could start giving your kids and grandkids things NOW, if you know there are certain things they would love. I have done that with my nieces and nephew and it feels good.
DeleteCleaning is the never ending chore of my life. I was lucky enough have had housecleaners come in every two weeks I felt obligated to put things away and strip the beds and have fresh and clean new ones sitting and waiting. I'd hire again buy there is so much STUFF.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I will get a price on kitchen, my room and the bath I share with the boys.
The kidults have the owners suite. They have 20 linear feet of hanging space and a set of 4 ft shelves stacked by 6 in one part of their closed ... it's dedicated to hold Costco buys and surplus shopping ... soap, TP, dishwasher soap, dish soap, soap for washing machine and soap bars near each sink. Toilet paper and paper towels.
Once Christmas is put away, I think I will hire a former cleaning group to see if they have room to fit me into a schedule. Then we can focus on downsizing and organizing. And Marie Kondo style. And teach Jesse how to run the finances. Then I can rest easy! As always, a thought provoking blog yet again!
I'm more the marie condo
I don't like her either, as I've blogged before but that's more because her movement helped kill the collectibles market when I was still selling in an antique mall. But principle of deculttering does make sense is a society like ours that over comsumerizes buying things out of want instead of need.
DeleteI love hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows but only in winter.
ReplyDeleteNever heard of the Swedish Death Cleaning
Those little marshmallows are easier to control. the last time I bought marshmallows I bought the big ones and now I have to stand near the microwave to make sure they don't balloon up and run down the side of the cup.
DeleteYour memories of hot chocolate took me back to my girlhood. I don't think my mom had a recipe, but she would heat a pan of whole milk on the stove to slowly heat. Next, she'd get the mugs and put a teaspoon of cocoa and 2-3 teaspoons of sugar in each mug. She'd add just a little bit of hot water to the mugs and stir the sugar and cocoa. Then she'd top it off with the hot milk and a smidgen of vanilla. All these years, I've tried nearly every hot chocolate mix known to mankind, but nothing compares with my mom's simple blend.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your den project. Earlier this week, I filled the back end of my car and took it to the donation center. Once in awhile, I get on a roll when it comes to downsizing. Have to admit, over these past 3 years of purging, I haven't missed anything we gave away.
That's the way my mom made cocoa too and the way I do when I make it from scratch. I've never priced it out but I bet its a lot cheaper than the envelopes.
DeleteI didn't mind downsizing so much when I could have garage sales and vendor booths in antique malls, but donating stuff to Goodwill is hard for me. I've done it since moving here and need to do more of it. But what I really need to do is stop buying stuff.
I think the name alone puts many people off. If it were called Scandinavian Minimalist Cleaning or Swedish Simple Life Cleaning, that might be less evocative of The End.
ReplyDeleteI live with a man who is loath to get rid of anything that a loved one has given him, whether it's clothing or an entire basement full of tools and equipment. It's incredibly frustrating. Progress is slow, but being made. Now that he's retired, he has promised to make it a priority.
I hate that name, too, and can't understand why it caught on so much with a name like that. I suppose its the shock of it that draws people to check it out then they decide, yes, this is a good thing to do near the end of life?
DeleteGood luck with the tool project. One of the guys who moved in here donated his entire workshop of tools to the CCC and they built a room to house it all for everyone's use. Now, that's a way to have your cake and eat it too.
I Googled the phrase "Swedish Death Cleaning" and didn't realize it is a thing on TV now. I have a lot of stuff stored in my basement that I could probably get rid of but some of it is not mine. My children have always left some of their treasures here as they moved into places that didn't have enough storage. If I die, they can clean it out. I don't feel the need to have everything ready for them. We did it for my parents and they can do it for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you. Cleaning out after a parent dies, I think, helps with the healing and letting go, as hard as downsizing is after someone dies. It's something concrete to do with your time and emotions.
DeleteI have had to clean out houses for all my relatives who were "keepers", a term I prefer instead of hoarders. We aren't the garbage, putrid waste hoarders, but we sure do like things! I call my disorder "an unhealthy attachment to inanimate things". But my things make me happy. I do clear out clutter, but admit that I also fill it back up. I don't want to live in an empty house. I have generations of family collectibles. I figure if I am not here, I won't regret what my family puts in the dumpster.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile - medical bills and security. Already I think younger generations don't understand the difference Obamacare made. We were married at 18, I dropped my single policy with my employer and my husband signed up for the "family plan". Soon found out we were expecting. That was the same week my new health insurance dropped me because of "pre-existing" conditions. I had a UTI my senior year of high school. I had zero maternity coverage for a pregnancy with a few complications and zero health coverage for my hospital stay and my daughter's birth and hospital stay and checkups until she was six weeks old. This wiped out all of our savings as well as left us in debt for years with steep payments on all these bills. About two years later my husband's employer got a new policy with a new company and I was covered again. We had a lot of financial struggles for years.
I remember the day I finally got coverage for a pre-existing condition of allergies. It was such a relieve because for years the insurance company used it as an excuse to not cover anything related to breathing including colds and bronchitis. I once called the insurance company and asked for a precise list what was covered and not relating to "allergies" and they told me they didn't have one. It was ambiguous. I figured if I ended up with lung cancer they'd blame it on allergies. Having per-existing condition coverage, is BIG and I'm worried that will go away under 45/47 and too many people will suffer like your family did.
DeleteI like the idea of Swedish Death Cleaning in principle...but not in practice. As a confirmed maximalist, I like my pretty things! And my daughter does too, so she will no doubt enjoy a lot of my belongings after I'm gone. Or maybe before. I have downsized several times in a row now, and yet there are always things that no longer serve me that need to go. I can see that continuing to happen as I get older. I'm going to call it decluttering or Swedish Death Cleaning Lite.
ReplyDeleteDeb
I like decorative things, too, and know that my nieces can just arrange to have it all taken to an auction house nearby. So I'm not too concerned over what I still have left. If I have to make a move to assisted living before I die then I hope to have a say in what is important to take to that last major downsizing in my life. I'm sure when you moved across country you did a major perch and before that after your husband died. So I double you have enough stuff left that you don't truly love.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I don't like about the Swedish Death Cleaning was front and center in one of my blogger friends' blog. Her daughter spent a lot of time with her and put pressure on her to get rid of so much stuff and it wasn't pleasant for her. Then she sat around in a near empty house for several months without her daughter coming back to visit. If a person is terminal like she was I think the time would have been better spent together doing something special, rebonding of sorts instead of nagging and saying things like, "Mom, you don't need this anymore." or "Why did you ever save this in the first place?" Or "All these knickknacks are just junk, mom."
Jeez, kinda sounds like the daughter was just getting mom to do the heavy lifting ahead of her death to make it easier for the daughter afterwards! If that's the case, that is really despicable.
DeleteRead the comment below yours. I really think there is a big difference on who does the helping and whose idea the Swedish Death Cleaning was to do. I do think some adult children of seniors can get so stressed out from being in the sandwich generation that they do look at the downsizing with resentment and want their parent to do it for themselves instead of them facing it after that parent dies. I just HATE, the name, no matter how the TV show is presented.
DeleteI've watched a couple of the Swedish Death Cleaning shows and they really don't strip people's homes down to the bare minimum. Rather, they help people find what things they have that make them happy and what things are cluttering up their lives. And it's not just for people who are terminally ill. The three "Death Cleaners" are an organizer, a designer, and a psychologist who all work with the person to help them be more comfortable with their surroundings. I think the name of the show probably puts too many people off. Maybe a little morbid.
ReplyDeleteI watched a couple of shows, too. I can't believe how rich de-cluttering shows like these people and Marie Kundo's books have made her. That title sure puts me off!
DeleteHere's an interesting article about how Marie Kondo has given up on keeping a tidy home after the birth of her third child.
Deletehttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/30/queen-of-clean-marie-kondo-says-she-has-kind-of-given-up-on-tidying-at-home#:~:text=Kondo%2C%20who%20lives%20in%20California,61
This makes me laugh. She became one of the richest women in the world selling her "tidiness" message and now she's giving herself permission to be human. I got totally turned off by her when she said no house should have more than 20 something books and that we were to tear out the pages we like in books and toss the rest. Thanks for sharing this article.
DeleteHa! I laughed when I read that, too. Easy to be uncluttered and super neat without kids. And I'll add dogs to that list. The dog toys are everywhere. And whenever I gather them in a basket, our dog digs them out one by one as if to defy me. haha.
DeleteDogs do do that don't they. I miss having one and pet the resident dogs here whenever I can which is pretty often considering I have four living in my building and two on my floor.
DeleteI'd have to live several lifetimes to complete a Swedish Death Cleaning. *LOL* My Heirs know it's gonna fall on them to Sell Off their Inheritance, but, the way the Economy is, they are appreciative of having things they can liquidate easily and turn into quick Cash, so I'm no longer hearing any complaints about the Gauntlet of Good Stuff they will inherit and be able to survive off the proceeds of to supplement whatever measly income Employers will be parsing out in the future. I do think most Americans are a heartbeat away from destitution these days and our Insurance/Medical in America is abysmal compared to other 1st World Nations and even some 3rd World ones. We rank 43rd in the World for Healthcare Quality yet ours is the most expensive in the World, that disparity alone speaks volumes about what it's really all about in America, how much they can price gouge Sick or Injured Americans and keeping us an unhealthy Country is most profitable, so Healing it never the actual Goal, dependency upon the Drugs and the Western Medicine is too profitable to encourage any of them to do the right thing by any of us.
ReplyDeleteYou speak the truth about the healthcare system. It's wearing out our professionals in the field too, because the insurance companies dictate the treatments in a lot of cases.
DeleteI've been keeping my apartment since I got home after my broken hip. I still have a lot of junk in boxes and drawers, but from time to time I do some tossing. The trouble is sometimes those stashed items do come in handy when a problem needs to be solved creatively.
ReplyDeleteI know! We used to have neighborhoods who were minimalists who bragged about how cheap they could live. They kept nothing nor bought the basics. The problem was they didn't own tools or things one uses to maintain a house so they'd borrow everything from neighbors. That got really old after awhile. Every time they'd borrow a floor scubber or vacuum that would be extra wear and tear on them. They'd need a nail they'd raid someone's stash. Not quite on topic but that's where my brain went. LoL
DeleteI like the term "downsizing" much better than Swedish Death Cleaning -- and maybe that has a lot to do with having a chronic progressive illness. Death cleaning is just too depressing! And like you, I couldn't be really happy not only being SICK, but with none of the things I loved surrounding me. When I move it will be a massive reduction (that's about four years from now). In a way, the mold issue and the bedbugs were a gift in that so much stuff was "redistributed" to others! (Or trashed.)
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I loved your memories of chocolate and marshmallows and times past. I am trying not to do sugar till after my blood tests Friday! Between that and restrictions on what I can eat while I'm on my (temporary) meds, food is very boring! Meanwhile, I have dozens of cookies stacked up, many of which I haven't really sampled yet! I must get cookie plates together today and get them out of the house.
Ya, those forced downsizing really hurt at the time, I'm sure, but they gave you a taste of what's to come when you do it by choice and that fact that we can live through a downsizing and come out the other side being okay with it, if not proud that we did it.
DeleteThis (winter!) is the hardest time for me to curb my eating. It's not just holiday goodies. It's the cold weather and the urge to eat carbs. I think it's biological. lol.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the title of Swedish Death Cleaning is off putting. I do have to commend my mom for continuing to downsize and declutter over the past few years. She has really gotten rid of a lot of stuff. And it seems every time I visit, she has something else she wants to "go through" and clean out. She had to clean out when her mother died, and it seems to have really made her determined not to leave the same kind of mess for me. I love to purge on a regular basis, although I still have way too much "stuff". Maybe that's where I got that gene.
When it's your own idea to decuttler and downsize it really does feel good and I'll bet your mom is re-visiting memories with each decision she makes to purge or keep. It took me 2-3 years to purge before moving here and I enjoyed that pace. I would have hated having to do it with time breathing down my neck.
DeleteAs I've said, I grew up in a Swedish family with grandparents who came from 'the old country.' They still spoke Swedish, my grandmother cooked dishes that would put IKEA to shame, and I never once heard of Swedish 'death cleaning.' It always makes me giggle. My grandmother and her friends did have a related practice, but it involved cleaning, sorting, and getting rid of prior to the new year, to ensure that no unnecessary baggage would be carried into the new year. I finally began adopting the practice, and love it.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I've been cooking grandma's food for decades. Just this morning I made my annual batch of Spritz cookies from her recipe, and then started looking for people to give them to: the recipe makes gazillions.
You evoked a memory with your hot chocolate. I still make it the way we made it decades ago: mixing cocoa and sugar with a bit of water, heating it until the sugar dissolves, and then adding the milk. I rarely make it, simply because it doesn't appeal when it's so warm. But come January or February, if we get some cold weather, it'll be hot chocolate time! (But no marshmallows or whipped cream -- I take mine straight!)
I doubt the Swedish Death Cleaning was around when your grandparents were alive. It started in 2017 when a Swedish Artist Published a book with that name, coat-tailing off trend Kondo started in the 1990s.
DeleteIf I'm not mistaken other cultures do the New Year's out with the old in with the new style purging. Lovely custom and the clutter doesn't have a chance to get out of hand. That it's a family custom makes it that much more special.
I only have hot chocolate in the cold weather months, too. We just have more of them than you do.
Living with my daughter's partner has opened a whole new understanding of people who are emotionally linked to things. Our house is a masoleum to all those deceased in her family. I have become more minimalistic in my old age. Having granddad's old desk or uncle's clay pot collection mean nothing to anybody but her yet she seem personally attacked if we want to remove it. I feel caught between feeling claustrophobic and angry for being forced to live with all these objects but I count myself lucky that my memories fulfill any need, and I can let things go. You do what works best for you and makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes taking pictures of objects that have sentimental value works to help someone let go of stuff they are attached to. But I do think stuff does hold memories and make certain people feel more connected to others. The emotional link is real.
Delete