I wandered the house by the glow of the night lights in
every room, I attempted to let the computer distract me with a boring game of
chess, and I even thought about physically forcing the dog to leave the
comfortable little cocoon he’d made for himself in my chair and lock him in the
bedroom with me. That latter thought made me feel even lonelier. When your
dog---the one without opposable thumbs to open up the bags the treats he craves
morning, noon and night are in---has to be
forced to spend time with you, that’s pretty sad. Darn dog! Why did he have to
pick last night to demonstrate a streak of independence?
Yesterday I got another letter from a volunteer at a local widow’s
support group. She was inviting me to call if I want to talk to someone “who
has ‘been there’ and knows how it feels.” The first four letters---one a
month---got thrown away. I was doing okay, getting my ducks in order, handling
things just fine, thank you very much. But for some reason this fifth letter
got set aside to reread. I AM doing fine but the loneliness is starting to sink
in, feel more permanent, and I know I have to do something to change that. My
brother had been to a few meetings with this group but he had a typical guy
reaction and said “he couldn’t take all that crying.” Then he joined an
exercise class instead. I guess the main reason I haven’t checked out this
widow group is because I’m kind of afraid I’ll end up being the one with the
shoulder that others cry on. Been there, done that in caregiver circles and I’m
tired of being the strong one who has to weigh every word because someone is
looking to me for guidance.
It’s funny I could write that last sentence because this
past week I discovered that a website I used to hang around a lot before Don’s
death to debate politics has added two new forums: one for ‘Caregivers’ and one
for ‘Grief and Mourning.’ Since these forums are not connected with traditional
support groups, and people who have no experience with either state of being
can chime in, I’ve been shocked at the hostility and lack of empathy going on. It’s
like watching a train wreck about to happen to read through the topics. So as
quickly as I made this discovery I’ve checked these forums off my list of
places where I want to spend time. Caregiving and grief are both too fresh in
my mind for me to stand by while bullies pick on people traveling down those roads.
So, for my own well being I must stay away. I need to seek out peace, not
turmoil.
According to the calendar it has been almost five months
since Don passed away. Don: if you can hear me, let me tell you that not a day
goes by that I don’t feel your love still wrapped around me. Not a day goes by
that I don’t thank you for everything we shared. You and I both know that I
will survive and thrive again in time---even if I have to resort to locking our
derelict of a dog in the bedroom with me each night until the loneliness of
your absence goes away. ©
