I was looking for a writing prompt when I ran across something called “Terma Collective, a quote by zaadzster.” I’m having a hard time not capitalizing the word ‘zaadzster and even more trouble finding an explanation on Google for who or what ‘zaadzster’ is. If anyone knows, clue me in. I think it has something to do with spreading spiritual awareness but whatever it means, what do you think of Terma Collective (below) as a prompt for widows or anyone else in transition? Do you want to answer the summons---that something in life that is calling you---or do you continue pretending it’s not there?
What in your life is calling you?
When all the noise is silenced,
the meetings adjourned,
the lists laid aside,
and the wild iris blooms by itself
in the dark forest,
what still pulls on your soul?
In the silence between your heartbeats
hides a summons.
Do you hear it?
Name it, if you must,
or leave it forever nameless,
but why pretend it is not there?
Time to grab my stream of consciousness and record what the voices in my head are saying. Yes, I hear the summons…some would call it a restlessness with the status quo. A restlessness caused by knowing there has to be something out there that will allow me to keep my fiercely valued independence and at the same time will bring me closer to others who can keep an eye on me as I age. Is it moving? Is it trying harder to build new friendships? Do I initiate more frequent contact with family? I need more human contact in my life and not just more of the same that I get now---friendly acquaintances at senior hall events. I need more contact with people who value me in their lives. People who’d notice if I fell off the face of the earth besides the dog who, as smart as he is, couldn’t dial a 911 if I tumbled down the basement steps.
Yesterday a niece in-law dropped over with some deserts left over from her family’s Thanksgiving get-together and she asked me why I want to move so far away, that she’d miss me not being in the neighborhood, and I said something inane about wanting to be closer to family. It was an inane (and maybe hurtful) thing to say to her because my husband’s brother’s kids and their spouses---where she comes in---all live close-by and would help me in a heartbeat if I called. If it was hurtful, I didn't mean it to be but down deep, I know blood ties me tighter to my brother's kids. I can't help it. Is that normal or am I a bad person? Then she said, “I hope you know you’re always welcome at our house on holidays. If I’d known you were going to be alone I would have had you over.” And the fact is, I know she meant it. Taking it a step further, if it had really bothered me being alone on Thanksgiving I could have called people on Don’s and my side of the family both, invited myself over and I would have been welcome. What does it take to make me feel valued? Why isn’t knowing the welcome mat is always out enough? Am I turning into one of those needy people who forgets to see the half full glass next to the half empty glass sitting on the table of Personal Choices?
What in my life is calling me besides quality human contact? A vague and undefined picture of ‘contentment’ but I can’t focus the lens to see what contentment looks like, so how do I find it? Do I bring back the artist in my soul that got lost years ago in the fog of making a living and then being a caregiver? I open the door to my spare room where my long neglected painting easel was recently placed and I see the stack of how-to books that was unpacked last week. Maybe I’m on my way. Maybe I’m about to answer the summons every person in transition hears. I just wish I knew exactly what in my life is calling me and will I have the courage to answer? I am old and I worry my procrastination will outlive me. ©