The other day when I lost it in Stretch and Flex class,
bringing on a flow of tears that aren’t completely under control even today, I realized
that I have a problem and I need a plan. A post-menopausal women can’t stay weepy
this long without having “Aunt Flo” as an excuse, and a widow over two and a
half years out can’t blame it all on lingering grief. (Well, she could but I’m
almost sure that’s not the whole ball of wax entrapping me.) Something is
wrong. The signs have been there since the Fourth of July weekend,
ignored hoping my body and mind would self correct. Mild depression
are the dirty little words I’m applying to the poor state of my grey matter. Gasp,
I said it out loud! Well, not exactly but I did type it out.
When I was growing up there would be times when my mom played Solitaire
over and over again. She’d pull up a red leather footstool and deal the cards,
play the tricks, until I would go daffy watching her. I didn’t play the game myself
until after my husband had his stroke. That’s when I bought a tiny deck of
cards at a hospital gift shop and I carried it everywhere we went for the next 12
years. Spouses of disabled people spend a lot of time in waiting rooms. I became
my mother only with a twist that, I thought, set me apart from the woman I didn’t
understand growing up. I bought a book titled 101 Ways to Play Solitaire. Yes, I played the game that drove me
daffy as a kid but I was learning 101 new ways to numb my brain, to turn it off
so I didn’t have to have think about the serious issues going on in my life. Bottom
line: This paragraph is leading up to another round of True Confusions: I’ve
been on another binge of Solitaire the past few weeks. I should have picked up
on that clue right away. I didn’t.
Clues number two, three, four and five: I’m not paying attention to
nutrition, I’m on a sugar binge. I’m not getting enough physical exercise…or
sleep. I’m not keeping my house as picked up and neat as usual. “Okay,” the
right side of my brain said to my left side, “It’s time to climb the ladder
back out of this hole you’re in. Go get your mojo back!” I say that as I kick
myself for not going to a wedding at Niagara Falls that my whole family is
attending this weekend. I could have used the break, even though it seemed like
too much trouble, money and distance at the time I sent back my RSVP. Anyway, the two
sides of my brain have worked out a plan to turn things around.
- Don’t drop out of those exercise classes I started at the senior hall last week.
Great. I have two weeks to get in the habit of going then they are closing for two
weeks to do yearly building maintenance.
- Quit buying sugar filled comfort foods!
Bad girls do that, good girls make kale chips.
- Good
girls also sign up for the summer salads cooking class to use up the gift certificate
I won last fall for the fancy chef’s school. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take place
until the middle of August and unfortunately, a month ago I signed up for an
ice cream social coming up on Tuesday. Ice cream is the mother lode of comfort
foods for me. (Check this one off the list. I registered for the class in the middle of the last night.)
- Good
girls also put their new high-tech, custom shoe orthotics to better use than
just walking around the house. (Ohmygod, those things make a difference as they
should for $250. My orthopedics doctor has them made and they require you to
walk barefoot across a mat with sensors in it, making your feet glow up in bright neon colors
on a computer screen.)
- Weed myself off from watching daybreak-to-bedtime news. Maybe I’ll pig out on
the Hallmark movies---those sappy love stories with happy endings, but only
after a widow or divorcee goes through hell after losing husband number one before husband
number two shows up to save the day. Formula fiction, that usually ends with a
wedding that the x-floral designer me can critique.
- Stay off the political debate sites. In other words tune out until the world
leaders tune back in and do something constructive towards a more peaceful
co-existence and/or my liberal soul doesn’t feel compelled to cry over all the
injustices on earth. I can’t fix the world, I need to concentrate on fixing me.
- Take more sleeping pills. One every night for a week in an effort to reset my
body clock should do the trick.
- Get a new computer chair that gives me more back support. Back pain is part of the reason I'm not sleeping well.
- Get a new computer chair that gives me more back support. Back pain is part of the reason I'm not sleeping well.
Well, there it is, my plan for Operation Get My Mojo Back. I
hope it works. ©
