When a neighbor tells you she saw some nice beans at the farmers market and you think she said she saw some nice queens, it’s time to get your hearing checked. When a friend tells you he’s going downtown to suck on a beer and you think he said he wants to suck on an ear, it’s time to get your hearing checked…unless, of course, you enjoy being fodder for old people jokes. Oh my god, I hate telling on myself but recently another friend was talking about getting her son’s horse some new tack and I actually spent a few moments wondering how you get a horse a new rack. Do they have veterinaries that do boob jobs on fillies? Why on earth would a horse even need a bigger rack? It’s not like horses are judged on the size of their mammary glands.
So today I spent two hours getting a hearing test. I honestly thought they’d find a big hunk of wax down in there to explain why I’ve suddenly developed old-people-itis. No such luck. I’ve lost a “significant” amount of hearing in the higher frequencies, according to the audiologist. The test was through one of those big chains that do free testing, hoping to suck you in to buying their product. The set of middle-of-the-road aids he was trying to sell me would cost roughly $5,000 or $2,700 on top of what the insurance will cover. Cripe, I hate having an old people problem! How do you go about buying a set of hearing aids so you don’t get ripped off? In my case, I’m taking the easy way out and I booked an appointment for a second test at my husband’s audiologist who is connected to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I know they are not snake oil salesmen, I’m not so sure about the chain hearing aid place.
Old People Problem #2: Why in the world do young people think
it’s so funny to lock the doors on handicap bathroom stalls, then crawl under
the door and leave? It happened to me again today. In a pinch I can use a
regular stall but back when I used to take my wheelchair bound husband
to the restroom that wasn’t an option. Now, that's a REAL problem in situations like that and one that's not so easy for old people to solve. On several
occasions little kids have crawled under the door to unlock the stalls for us
and we were grateful for their help while at the same time trying not to let
the ‘yuck factor’ show on our faces. You gotta know there’s cooties living
on that floor! Not all kids are evil, I know that, but one evil kid who locks
handicap bathroom stalls, and then leaves the building makes you forget about
the next 100 good ones.
When I got home from the hearing test and the annoying
bathroom experience I had a call on my answering machine from a guy with a
smooth, sexy voice. Oh, my! It was the director of the museum wanting to know
if I could voluntary this weekend at a park party helping with some children’s
activities. All the proceeds earned at the park party are being donated to the
museum and they were understaffed. I was glad I wasn't home to pick up phone
as the call came in because I was in no mood, today, to be nice to cute little
kids with sticky fingers and candy cotton in their hair. I had to call the guy back, though, and I was actually glad I had a
prior commitment. I don't have a lot of experience with little kids. I do know they've done things like pee on my shoes,
tie me up and put earth worms in my purse---and that was my nieces and nephew who
love me. What will strangers do? The museum is going to be doing a lot of
puppet shows so I can see where I'll need to over come my fear of little rug rats.
I might actually like shoving my arm up the town’s founder in effigy. Or I might claim
the Indian princess puppet. I think my voice is too high to take on the role of
a lumberjack. When I declined the volunteer invitation the director said, “Don’t
worry, we’ll hook you into something else. Now that we have you, we won’t let
go.”
I’m going to a political rally fundraiser this weekend---my
excuse for not helping with the park party. The last one I went to Don won a Michelle
Obama doll in a raffle and the next week I sold it on e-Bay for a cool $150. I
don’t even know who is speaking at the rally but, what the heck, don’t we all
need a team to support? I hate football, baseball, basketball and hockey so it’s
either politics or polo and since I don’t look good in garden hats, polo is out
of the question. I try to keep politics out of my blogs but I’m really angry
over what is going on in D.C. right now with the shut down, so if you’ll excuse
me I’m going over to a website where debating politics is not only welcome but encouraged.
And we all get to fight anonymously. ©
