Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

In January of 2012 my soul mate of 42 years passed away after nearly 12 years of living with severe disabilities due to a stroke. I survived the first year after Don’s death doing what most widows do---trying to make sense of my world turned upside down. The pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties are well documented in this blog.

Now that I’m a "seasoned widow" the focus of my writing has changed. I’m still a widow looking through that lens but I’m also a woman searching for contentment, friends and a voice in my restless world. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. I say I just write about whatever passes through my days---the good, bad and the ugly. Comments welcome and encouraged. Let's get a dialogue going! Jean

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Operation Online Dating Profiles: Part II


First, again with the disclaimer: I'm not looking for romance. But Judy from the Upward and Onward blog and I have a new hobby worth writing about a second time---checking out profiles at a dating site for seniors. I know what you’re thinking. We both live in Michigan, both viewing the same pool of guys and sooner or later we’re going to have a cat fight over a guy who intrigues us both enough to actually sign up and send that poor unsuspecting fellow a ‘flirt.’ That's not going to happen and I'll tell you why. She’s a feline person, I’m a dog person. She smokes, I don’t. She’s a church goer, I’m allergic to churches. These areas of incompatibility are deal breakers on my side of the state. Therefore, guys who smoke and love going on church mission trips and/or have cats won’t get a second look from me which means Judy’s pool of candidates is much larger than mine. Although when I told her about the guy with the 15 cats, she didn’t seem all that interested. I wonder why. But I found out that even dog loving guys can be prejudice against me bringing sweet Levi the schnauzer into a relationship. Profile guy Exhibit A has two dogs of his own and thinks traveling with anymore pets than that would be too much trouble. So, he has a ‘no pets’ clause in his profile. The jerk.

I strongly suspect I’m also not compatible with a guy who is looking for a woman into AFHV. I don’t even know what that means and I’m afraid to do a Google search for fear I’ll land on an X-rated site that will send me pop-up ads for the next two years. Decoding the dating profiles is getting easier though. “Very loving” equals “I’m horny.” “Love long walks on the beach” means “I will do romantic things until I get you in the sack.” “Seeking a woman who likes to hug, kiss and hold hands as much as I do” equates to “I’m very horny. Did I mention horny?” Some guys have sweet ways of saying they are horny, like: “Falling in love is like riding a bike. You never forget how. I have a bicycle built for two with a vacant seat.” Ladies, can we all do a collective sigh right now? That's a great line, internet profile guy. Much better than a guy who, in his profile photo, is holding a sign that reads, “Wish this was still America!” No decoding necessary here. He is saying: “I’m a Tea Party guy who hates Obama. Stay away, liberal ladies!” He doesn’t have to ask me twice. I back-buttoned off his profile at warp speed. Maybe I should have bookmarked him for Judy? NASCAR guys and those looking for spontaneity can count me out, too. My neck gets too tired when it has to spin around and around, following the action on the track and being spontaneous left my DNA during those seventeen years I was a caregiver to my dad, then to my husband. Now, I reside in the land of lists and schedules and I’m happy with that. And speaking of decoding, I’m beginning to wonder if “willing to move” isn’t code for “I live in a run-down shack and would like to upgrade to your place.” Aren’t I the skeptical one!

Profile guys can be just as picky as we women, though. One guy doesn’t want a ‘flirt’ from any woman who doesn’t post a photo. Oops! I think did that once quite by accident. Another guy---Mr. Kind he calls himself---doesn’t want a woman over 150 pounds. A guy with one leg, who claims he's never had a serious relationship in his entire life, doesn’t want a woman who will try to change him. Okay. Back button to you, too, Mr. Happy-To-Me who probably loses women because he won't give up midnight runs to the liquor store even though he's already too drunk to find his prosthetic leg in his hoarder's house. I am not making this up. This guy exists and I doubt he could be trained to put the toilet seat back down, another deal breaker for me. Correction/confession: I did make up the part about the hoarder's house. He was a "rolling stone" so probably he doesn't own much of anything, what with his traveling all over the world with the job that he lost with the leg. My widow friend who is into fixer-uppers would love this guy.

Finding a travel partner is a big requirement for a lot of profile guys as is finding a women who like motorcycles and boats. (I don’t even like to get into cars with women in my age bracket unless I know they’ve had their eyes checked recently and I can see that their cars don't look like they've been used to play bumper cars at an amusement park. Getting on a motorcycle with an old guy when I don’t have access to his DMV records isn’t going to happen.) One sweet guy was looking for a woman to take fishing and “she doesn’t have to bait the hooks or handle the fish” so long as she "pretends she is having fun on the water." How cute is that? If he didn’t have a cat, I would have bookmarked the guy for someday, maybe. (I don't hate cats, but they've been known to make me break out in hives and have trouble breathing.) I nearly bookmarked another guy who was just looking for a pen pal but a fellow blogger in the comment section over at Judy’s blog pointed out that pen pal guy is probably in prison. Oh gosh, I am so naive! That thought never crossed my mind.

Judy and I lost our husbands in the same month of the same year and I have to wonder why we are both, now, drawn to spending time looking at old-duffers' on-line dating profiles. We both tell ourselves it’s just something amusing to do with our time but is there something deeper going on in our subconscious minds? Are we opening up to the possibility of finding love again? She says she compares everyone to her beloved Fred. For me, I don’t so much compare profile guys to my husband---he was truly unique---I compare their likes and wants to my likes and wants and it seems like an impossible task to find compatibility. I was twenty-seven when I met Don after a lot of years of looking for Mr. Right. If I started looking for Mr. Right: The Second Edition, I’d probably find him in time for one or the other of us to help our family pick out a casket, so why even bother with the process? And then I look at my older brother. Widowed a few years before me, he is now in the best relationship of his life. Behold the wonders of senior dating! ©

18 comments:

  1. Jean :

    your blogs amuses me & even though I m happily married feel like checking site just for fun lol I think as we grow older we get set in our ways & so hard to find mr. right.

    Asha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, my gosh, that could get you in hot water if your husband found out! Don't do it, Asha. Mother is speaking.....LOL

      Delete
  2. You are learning the "what it really means" phrases. Good job, Grasshopper. BTW--is your brother on any dating sites?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My brother met his lady friend at a high school class reunion. He was a football player back in those school days and she was a cheerleader but they both were dating other people they married and later divorced. My brother doesn't know a keyboard from a mouse and couldn't find his way to the information highway if you gave him around trip, all expenses paid trip to cyberspace.

      I still have a few phrases to decode, at Our Time but I'm learning. You've groomed me well....

      Delete
  3. oh how funny, i thought loves long walk and holding hands meant he was impotent!

    smiles, bee
    xoxoxoxoox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could be right! I may have forgotten to factor in the age range when using my decoder ring. LOL

      Delete
    2. You can bet, most of them in our age range are--also--most of them won't admit it and a lot of them think, you will be the one to "bring back their virility", and that is way too much work!!!

      Delete
    3. Oh now I remember some of the stories you told...in particular the one about the guy who brought a 'pump' to your first or second date. LOL

      Delete
  4. I have friends who've had a series of "fixer-uppers" who were just too far gone to be repaired. Ugh. I don't think I'd be cut out for online dating. However, Jean, I do think you and I would make very compatible companions. I'll overlook your displeasure with cats if you don't let your dog jump on me too much. As always, funny stuff!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I'd be cut out for on-line dating either but I swear I've seen a couple of these guys who live in my zip code at places where I go in person. Kind of sad, really, that people who are looking can't meet one another.

      We might have a great time together but I doubt your cat would like living on the top of the lamp shades. Levi's not a lap dog or jumper but Schnauzers were breed to chase 'varmint' and it's his life-long ambition to chase a cat.

      Delete
  5. I was so entertained by your blog today. After 30 years of living with someone who was just perfect for me, I just can't see my self doing it again. But after almost 3 years of being in the 'hood, I do look at men. But I end up just comparing to what a good thing I had for so long. I still feel married. So I'll leave it to you to check out the profiles and interpret them for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm already bored with looking at profiles online and probably won't go back any time soon. I just can't picture myself going through the whole process and ending up with a man who couldn't possibility stack up to my husband. It's not that I have my husband on a pedestal, it's the fact that we had so many years together to learn how to make "us" work.

      Delete
  6. I know I already commented here the other night, but it must not have worked. I'm sure it was a lovely, long and detailed comment, but I can't remember a word. :(

    I'm loving these posts by you and Judy. It's making me think about browsing just for fun. Your interpretations of their coded writings crack me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was a fun way to spend a couple of days to look over those profiles but it was starting to depress me. I feel sad for all the lonely people out there trying to connect and I seriously doubt I'd ever want to jump in the pool. Judy did register so we shall all have to look to her for our guy fix. LOL

      Delete
  7. What struck me about online dating, was the high volume of desperate fellas. One guy I was chatting with one day asked me what I did for hobbies. I sarcastically told him I liked to emasculate guys for a hobby. Without missing a beat he says "OK, you can do that to me.....does it hurt?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe he didn't know what 'emasculate' means. LOL

      I fully believe that about the high volume of desperate guys online and from guys tell me there are a lot of desperate women as well. Kind of sad, isn't it, that people have so much trouble getting together in their own backyards.

      Delete
  8. Hi Jean R

    This is the funniest post so far. I've been steadily reading your posts and all the comments, I have to tell you I laughed out loud the whole way through.
    Daisy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Daisy. Having a sense of humor is the only way to look at those dating sites...at least for me.

      Delete