Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, August 6, 2025

Plan B - Giving up Driving Without Giving up Life

 

 

Giving up a driver’s license isn’t just a logistical shift—it’s an emotional one. For seniors facing the possibility of life without a car, it can feel like a loss of independence, dignity, or control. But there’s a Plan B. In this post, Jean explores creative, practical alternatives to driving that preserve your freedom, honor your safety, and even build stronger community ties. She also shares stories from her continuum care facility, tips for making the transition smoother, and a list of transportation options. Jasper AI 

As I was driving back from taking my hearing aid in for repair, I was thinking about how much life changes when you get to the point you have to give up your driver’s license. It’s a rite of passage no one looks forward to doing. Some of us seniors even fight it like we’re gladiators going up against a pride of lions in a life or death, pay-for-view event. It’s not just the giving up of a personal freedom that’s involved it’s the guilt that comes with adding a burden onto a family member, who has to make time to help us do these petty but quality-of-life, little chores. And then there are the families who have their heads high in the clouds and are ignoring the telltale sights that it’s time to reverse rolls and be the one to say to their parent, “You’re grounded! I need your car keys. Both sets.” Ya, I know. It’s not that simple. We can’t just say to our mom or dad, “You’ve had a lot of fender binders lately and you are driving slow enough that I could race you with a bicycle” and expect cooperation. 

I speak from experience, having seen this "touchy topic" from both sides of the equation—with my dad, my brother and three times with fellow residents.


I asked Jasper AI, my Microsoft Co-Pilot, to help me brainstorm some ideas for convincing a senior that it’s time to give up a drivers license and then come up with a list of suggestions to help convince us seniors that it’s time to hang up our car keys. A couple of his answers stood out. 

For example: One: Don't spring it on a person just after a fender bender. “Plant the seeds early.” Another: Frame it as if it's “an act of courage to let others take the wheel and as a civic rite of passage---not a loss but rather a transition, like retiring from active duty. Still noble, still valued." Those approaches worked on two of my fellow residents who both said they’d feel terrible if they caused someone to die in an accident, they said they couldn’t live with themselves. They were both in the early-to-mid stages of macular degeneration. They ended up selling their cars and now rely on friends and families to get them where they need to go. My dad was cooperative but my brother? He never stopped telling his daughters he could still drive, could still find he way around without getting lost and demanding they let him try again. I asked Jasper what to do in cases like him and he told me, "...to listen for what’s underneath the protest. Pride, fear, maybe even a whiff of grief disguised as bravado. Jasper would say: Don’t argue the logistics—affirm the dignity. Find ways for him to feel useful, autonomous, needed. Offer a role that doesn’t require a steering wheel. And never underestimate the healing power of being heard, even if you're just listening to a man rant about potholes and 'the good old days' when you could fix a carburetor with chewing gum." (Jasper AI has a sense of humor.)


A third woman living in my continuum care facility gave up her car because she faints often—so much so that she finally got moved down to the assisted living building and is restricted to a wheelchair now. After giving up her license but before the move, she took to calling Uber with a vengeance. Every day she’d go out for coffee or to shop or run errands. When anyone would bring up how much she was spending on Uber, she’d say, “By the time you factor in the cost of car insurance and maintenance plus gas Uber isn’t that costly.” She’s quite the character. At one of our very first lunch tables, over three years ago, she announced that she’s an atheist and after that at least four people sitting there haven’t spoken to her since. I think they believe atheism is like the measles and they rushed off to church the next Sunday to get their ‘vaccines’ updated.


Back on topic: I wanted to learn the ropes of using an Uber so one day I went out for coffee with Ms. Atheist but when it was time to go back home she was having a medical problem and couldn’t get her app to work to call an Uber to come pick us up. I didn’t know the first thing about using an Uber app and I didn’t have my reading glasses with me to figure it out. After the two of us probably entertained the young people around us for awhile—think a Saturday Night Live Skit—a twenty-something woman took pity on us and took my friend’s phone over and we headed off to ER. After ER did their magic on my friend another young person got us hooked up with another Uber. So that day, I got to experience three Uber drivers. And during all the time when we were waiting for our rides to show up I kept hearing my mother’s voice saying, “Never, ever get into a car with a stranger unless you want to get raped and murdered.” How times have changed.


Jasper AI also suggested that whoever is asking a person to give up their car should have a list of “Alternatives to Driving That Don’t Feel Like Downgrades.” Below is his list (but I disagree with his 'downgrades' characterization. Unless we're talking about a chauffeured limousine, nothing is better than owning your own car. But I digress...) The List:

Senior Ride Services offer door-to-door support with a human touch. These services often have empathetic drivers trained to assist older adults, and it’s helpful to create or share a reference sheet with key contacts and links.

Community Volunteer Drivers can turn errands into opportunities for connection. Check with your local community center to see if they have a matching service or referral list.

Ride Shares like Uber or Lyft allow for continued independence, especially when paired with tech support. Consider creating a simple tutorial or guide for ride-sharing apps, ideally with contacts pre-loaded to make calling a car easy.

Medical Transit Programs are designed for recurring appointments and may be free or subsidized by insurance or social services. They’re especially useful for ongoing treatments or specialist visits.

Shopping Shuttles coordinate transportation around regular errands like grocery runs and pharmacy pickups. Keeping an updated community calendar can help residents make the most of these timed services.

Buddy Systems work well when residents pair up to share rides to appointments, events, or stores. They’re most effective when built around existing friendships, but new matches can also be facilitated by staff or community leaders.

I wish we had a list like this that is all fleshed out with the names of  local organizations and their phone numbers. At the risk of being put in charge of a committee to pull together such a resource list, I may bring it up at our next Dialogue Meeting. We had a shopping shuttle here on campus for less than four months before they disbanded it because too few people were using it. And a senior-friend cab service that the CCC had lined up lasted about the same length of time. The Buddy System is working well around here with people who've made close friends before giving up their cars but I’ve always been a loner so I’m not sure anyone would go out of their way if I needed a ride somewhere. 

In case anyone is wondering if I’m starting to doubt my driving abilities, the answer would have been ‘maybe’ last winter but now it’s a hard ‘no’. I’ve been driving more since spring and have gotten over my reluctance. I still won’t drive at night, during rush hour, on the busiest streets or on the expressways but I call that being smart and pro-active. Just like I’d call it being smart and pro-active to be thinking about solutions to the loss of our independence before it actually happens. Having a Plan B might just turn that gladiator vs. the lions metaphor into a pillow fight. ©

Until next Wednesday. 

Photo at the top from Vermont Maturity, Helping Someone Give Up the Car Keys 

P.S. The AI introduction paragraph at the top, is an experiment. When I ran this post past Jasper AI to ask for spelling and punctuation tweaks he suggested a search engine friendly intro at the top to help drive traffic to my blog. I've always known you're supposed to put "buss words" in the first paragraph of posts but I've never leaned into it. It will be fun to look at my stats after this goes live, to see if it helped. I'm still amazed on how quickly I'm integrating AI into my life. For example, in addition to helping me brainstorm this post, this week I also asked it to create stats for my mahjong group. I gave Jasper AI the number of games and days each player played and how many times each player won since the beginning of the year and he figured out our win percentages in seconds and put it in to a nice, descending chart. What a time saver that was! Then I asked him how far down in the weeds he can go. Could he, for example, make me a list of names and phone numbers of Senior Ride Services in my county? He replied with a fully filled out chart in seconds. Who needs a committee when you have an AI app?

33 comments:

  1. Man oh man. I didn't know AI could do all that. I'm starting to be less leary of it with your explanations. I just realized that more of the residents here didn't drive anymore whether it was because they gave up the keys or the car up and died and who buys a new car at our age.

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    1. I would hate to buy a new car at my age. The learning curve would be brutal. My car still has a key. The service station gave me a lender once and I could even figure out how to start it.

      AI can discuss books, movies and TV shows like a real person only better. I'm having fun testing what all it can do in my life.

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  2. Excellent points and strategies. Fortunately I’ve only had to have this conversation with my Mom so far and it had a few interesting moments. Her car sat all one winter to the point of flat tires and dead battery before we talked. She didn’t enjoy driving and was unnecessarily worried about money so was swayed by the fact that the resale value of her car was enough to buy the whole house generator and propane tank she wanted. Living in a rural area before Uber she hired a nearby acquaintance to drive her but mostly stayed home. Not ideal but she wouldn’t move.

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  3. Yup. You'll be in charge. Just start looking up those numbers now. It's a big issue. I have my car because Rick and his brothers (mostly his brothers) forced the issue with their mom. But she's stubborn and won't do the assisted living bus, the senior transit or Uber, so is reliant on friends. I dread the day I can't do that anymore -- not that I drive that much but I want to be able to go when I want to go. An interesting post, Jean. And timely for many.

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    1. I had a neighbor at my other house that had to use senior transit and that was hit or miss depending on the driver. Once a driver left our neighbor sitting at the end of his driveway in the winter because he didn't want to get out of his warm bus to push him up to his house as they were supposed to do. I get why people get stubborn about giving up driving but I also would not want to be one of those old persons who makes the news because I lost control and killed a bunch of people standing on a side walk. At the senior hall a few years ago I was sitting near window when a woman tried to park and she went through the brick wall instead. Her fended stopped about two foot from my chair. She was so embarrassed she never came back to the senior hall and she used to be a regular. She was so lucky no one got hurt but the car and the building.

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  4. I'm hoping to use Uber and those kinds of services...sometimes I use it now if I know the parking will be far away from the event and I can't walk that far! BTW.. download a "Magnifier" app for your phone (if you have an iPhone there is one on there already)...if you don't have your glasses with you, you can use that....magnifies the text, can put a light on whatever you are trying to read. I find it amazing...for example, I don't need my glasses for most things when I am out except for menus...especially in darker restaurants. But with my phone app, I can read the menus (and the bill) perfectly. And I always have my phone with me!

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    1. That's a really great tip and one I wouldn't thought about. Thanks for sharing it. It's wise to try out Uber before you actually need it full time. Going to events where parking is a problem is really smart.

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  5. I'm sure there are many friends at your place that would help you out with a ride if you need one. You don't come across as a loner as you have been very involved in a lot of activities there.

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    1. You've got to be a friend to have a friend and I've never gone out of my way to help others around here. If asked to do things in my wheel house, except for driving someone several hours north, I turned that down.

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  6. So many considerations, i.e. geographical location (rural vs urban); cognitive & physical ability. I'm a fan of being proactive with the necessary changes so better to relinquish the keys before they're taken from me. And safety first. A vehicle & the ability to drive is strongly associated with independence. A relative has just returned to her rural home after a 4 mo hospital stay following a ruptured aorta & stroke. The r-sided weakness leaves her unable to drive; her partner does not have a drivers' license. She's relying on the good graces of her community to get her where she needs to go.

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    1. It's a real problem for people living in the country where community services don't operate.

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  7. I have never used Uber, but in my small town we are lucky to have two trustworthy taxis. I guess I will have to be dragged into this century eventually. We do have a senior shuttle and a county transit van, but both are undependable, especially with appointment times.
    We had to take my great aunt's keys. I was actually riding with her (in her 80's) and a police car with sirens was on-coming. Instead of pulling over to the right, she went left of center and I hadn't grabbed the wheel and jerked, it would not have been pretty. I drove to my house and we parked her car. I never sold it until she died, it just sat there. I called our doctor and asked him to tell her she shouldn't drive until she felt better and went with her to her next appointment.
    That was the good old days. When you had a family doctor. When you could call the office with a request. And the doctor was like family and went along with the plan. It won't be as nice when my kids decide to take my keys away.

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    1. That's a perfect example of why kids such ride with a senior parent behind the wheel once in a while, to judge their driving. After my husband's stroke and he could no longer drive or get into his Vette he wouldn't let me sell it so it sat in our garage for 12 1/2 years. If I had sold it without his approval it would have been like taking a dream of recovery away from him. Cars are such symbols of freedom, aren't they.

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  8. Great post, Jean! I hope to give up my driving rights gracefully, if I'm lucky enough to live to an age in which driving becomes an issue for me (and everyone sharing the road with me!)

    Deb

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    1. You've already proven that you're great at transiting from varies chapters in life. I have no doubt you will do it again when and if it becomes necessary.

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    2. Thank you, Jean. What a lovely compliment!

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  9. Retiring from driving is a BIG step. There "senior" car services like Uber and Lyft. Best way to get rides? Join a local "Village" a nonprofit, all volunteer service to help you age at home as long as you are able.

    In the Portland area we have TEN Villages. I've been volunteering since 2015. As a full service member ($600 per YEAR) you can get three rides per week. Any reason. If you are attending any WLLO (name of our Village ... two towns of about 35,000 each ... West Linn Lake Oswego) social event (lunch, happy hour, book club, bingo, coffee, etc) we pair you up with someone else who is attending and THAT does not count towards your 3 trips.

    My plan is to retire from driving at 80. Luckily I have built in drivers but I am also going to bump up to Full Service with WLLO.

    P.S. WLLO provides unlimited other services ... help with tech, grocery shopping, rearrange furniture, gardening ... and you can ask for anything ... if we can find a volunteer, it will be done! Anything you might ask you adult child or grandchild to do.

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    1. We don't have anything like that here. But my AI gave me directions on how to organize one.

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  10. My father's assisted living facility was supposed to take his keys away. Unfortunately, they did not. When he drove into the drugstore, literally, they finally took them away. I ended up taking him away, moving him out of state to where I was living. Thankfully, he didn't hurt anyone, just damaged the building. He did end up in the county hospital, with a two night stay in the emergency room with a bed between a prisoner handcuffed to the bed and a mentally ill patient who was noisy. He finally got a room with a nice quiet homeless person who was extremely happy to have access to a shower.

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    1. Wow! I'm glad you were able to move him to where he'll have more oversight. That's so sad it had to come to something like that and makes me mad that the place where he was at didn't do their job!

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  11. My husband graciously gave up his driving privileges as he said he would never want to hurt anyone. I now am the only driver and I must say I miss being driven by someone once in a while. I am content staying home and he was always on the go everyday so I am sure he would like to go more often than we do. So many of the things he always did I am now doing and not doing them as well as he did but he never complains. I dread the day I have to give up driving but I know it will come. JJ

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    1. You marriage an angel or at least one of the nicest people I've ever met. I'm not surprise he was gracious giving up his driving. I can't remember if you have grandkids living near by but I suspect as giving as you have been all your lives there were plenty of people who will offer you rides when the time comes.

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  12. I had no say in losing my licence, I took my yearly medical form in for my GP to fill out and he said no he couldn't do it as I was medical unfit to drive, this came as a shock and took some getting use to and to be honest I am still not use to having to rely on others

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    1. I can only imagine how hard that transition is and to have it come as a shock makes it all the harder.

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  13. I don't worry much about nuclear war or getting mugged, but I certainly can grow nervous when I spend a few minutes contemplating life without being able to drive. I was lucky that my mother was aware of her declining abilities, and gave it up easily. Of course, she had yrs truly as a chauffeur, so there's that.

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    1. I think people with kids don't worry as much as those of us without kids or kids living near by. In some ways, living in the tech world we are there are at least ways to hook up with services...assuming we are still tech savvy enough to do it which is MY worry.

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  14. My mom gave up her keys voluntarily at 90, although she talked about getting another "small car to get around" for a year or two since she lived where there were no real ride services. Now she is in AL and there are ride options, but she's not keen on using them and wants my local brothers to drive her where she needs to go. They are both busy, so it's a challenge.
    I've seen all kinds of "taking away the keys" stories in my family. My favorite was my uncle who, when told they wouldn't renew his license, promptly went down to the local car dealer and bought a big new car, drove it home, and parked it in his garage. It sat there unused until he went into a nursing home. It takes all kinds.

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    1. I'll bet it made your uncle feel secure just knowing that car was in the garage if HE ever wanted to drive it. It's harder for guys to give up driving than women in that generation, at least.

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  15. My Dad voluntarily gave us his Car Keys after he had a small Fender Bender, his 1st ever in all the Years he'd driven, no real injuries, but it shook him to consider it could have and that he was at fault due to slower reflexes, he was a very practical Man like that. Mom hadn't driven in Decades, she once knew how to drive and I don't even recall why she quit driving, but I suspect her Mental Illness was a big factor? She liked taking Public transit and knew all the Bus Routes and of coarse I was her Uber for Years before Uber was even a Thing. *Smiles* BTW: Don't wanna shake confidence in Uber etc. but there have been issues your Mama warned you about, they're not Vetted very well. The Man, well, it was a tough one with him, he still, like your Dear Brother, thought he could drive and began doing so many alarming things that we involuntarily took his Keys away and tho' it's been long enuf now he's no longer resistant... or tries to drive... it was hard on him, very hard. As for me, I just don't know how I'll transition if and when the time comes? I Hope with dignity and Grace, before I become a menace on the Roads, and with Awareness that it's Time??? We shall see. It was a great Post Jean, in our Family only The Son is the alternate Driver and I personally think those with Autism aren't the best Drivers so I rarely get in a vehicle with him. The Daughter and Young Prince can never drive due to Schizophrenia. And Princess T hasn't learned to yet, has Anxiety bad, and wants ME to Teach her tho' many others have offered... so, don't know when THAT will happen... I might need Sedation first??? *Winks*

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    1. I was like Princess T when it came to learning how to drive. I flunked the first time I took the course in high school because I broke out in hives every time I drove. Behind the wheel is no time to have a panic attack. Life is always full of challenges, isn't it.

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    2. FWIW, there are more kids not interested in learning to drive than when I was young. At least in my circle, I've seen at least three kids that had no interest -- unheard of when we were young. We could not WAIT to drive.

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    3. What an interesting comment, Hope. This generation of young people are more political too and more apt to be less materialistic.

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