Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

In January of 2012 my soul mate of 42 years passed away after nearly 12 years of living with severe disabilities due to a stroke. I survived the first year after Don’s death doing what most widows do---trying to make sense of my world turned upside down. The pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties are well documented in this blog.

Now that I’m a "seasoned widow" the focus of my writing has changed. I’m still a widow looking through that lens but I’m also a woman searching for contentment, friends and a voice in my restless world. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. I say I just write about whatever passes through my days---the good, bad and the ugly. Comments welcome and encouraged. Let's get a dialogue going! Jean

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Rejected! Online Dating for Seniors

After spending two and a half days reading profiles at on-line dating sites for old people I decided I don’t want a man in my life which I suspected all along. At my age who needs the stress of being judged and maybe rejected like a cow at a county fair whose owner was hoping for a blue ribbon. It’s hard enough to make new women friends at the senior hall and the woman/man thing is so much more complicated. With most of the profile guys on dating sites they want traveling companions (which I’m not interested in doing) and too many are just looking for opportunities to prove that “their plumbing works." Oh, my! That’s old man code for what young guys would come right out and say: "Only hot babes looking for hot sex need apply!" Hot babes are few and far between in the geriatric set and profile guys don't seem to know about the hot babes over at Advanced Style where the blog owner has a catch-and-release sort of program. He photographs all the hot older ladies he meets and he doesn't find those women all over the place. He searches and searches the streets every day.

If I were to write and post a profile for on-line dating I’d say, "I’m not interested in seeing your underwear or your birthday suit" and not a damn guy would send me a ‘flirt’---that’s the lingo they use for making your first contact with someone you’re interested in conversing with. See how smart I’ve gotten in such a short time of studying on-line dating? If I were to write an honest profile---and there shouldn’t be any other kind---I’d have to confess to not liking motorcycles or cooking my skin at the beach, cooking food in the kitchen or doing all the laundry while the Sports-All-Day-Long Network plays in the background. I’d have to confess that I’m not interested in having a guy relocate his life into my house or me relocating my life into his dwelling place. In other words, I’m not marriage material. If profile guys are being honest, marriage is a high priority…except with the pen-pal seeking prisoner I wrote about in previous posts. My husband and I worked too hard to get the security and creature comforts I enjoy now just to hand them over to a profile guy after a month or two of conversing like my friend in Florida has been known to do with the guys she meets on-line. Even if a profile guy turned out to be a nice dude, and not a con-artist, x-con or axe murderer, merging bank accounts and household bills is not going to happen so why lead on a marriage-minded guy when all I want is to talk to someone, once in a great while, who doesn't wear a bra?

And let me add as a Weight Watcher drop out, I’m turned off by the hypocrisy of guys who are carrying spare tires around their waistlines and look like they’ve got walnuts stuffed in their cheeks who specify how much their dream woman should weigh. What are they going to do, take a bathroom scales to their first in-person date and make sure his internet match didn’t indulge in one too many fudge flavored ice cream bars? Check your mirrors, profile guys with skinny-chick fetishes, many of you couldn't pass your own the body mass Litmus Test.

In all seriousness, though, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about romance and love and what it takes to fall in love over seventy as opposed to when I was young. It’s more complicated as we age, isn’t it. There are children, grandchildren, x-spouses, dead spouses, cats and dogs involved not to mention deeply entrenched opinions and likes and dislikes. When we're young and in love we tend to grow in the same direction like morning glory vines greeting the sun. If you were happy together for many years like Don and I were you get to the point where you can’t tell where each other stops and starts.  Something tells me that can’t happen with seniors who may fall into companionship-works-for-me but that’s not love according to the Gospel of Jean.

Since I started researching on-line dating every song I hear on the radio reminds me of something about my husband---a come-recuse-me look from across a room or that twinkle in Don’s eyes when he was intrigued by something I said, or those smoldering looks that spoke volumes. Earlier this week at a museum party I attended an old guy looked at me like he was intrigued by something I said and all I could think about was, I wonder if he has all his own teeth. In my mind I just can’t pair the Gerital set and romance up in the same sentence. Yet I know it happens. After my dad gave up his driver’s license I chauffeured him and his girlfriend around on weekly dates. Sometimes he looked at her like she was the Fountain of Youth and he’d just walked through the Sahara Desert. Daughters don’t like to think of their fathers as needing to get a room, but looking back---Geez, I have to go watch a video of someone beating a puppy to clear that visual of my dad out of my head!

Speaking of videos, have you seen the one by Donnalou Stevens? She’s a woman who is trying to break into the business of writing and preforming funny, light-hearted songs and her Older Ladies video at The Kickerstarter Project has gone viral. “Well I ain’t 16, not a beauty queen,” she sings, “my eyes are baggin’ and my skin is saggin’, and if that’s the reason that you don’t love me then maybe that’s not love.” Check it out. It’s hilarious. After that, you can check out the next video below if you’re interested in seeing what I’d consider to be a sexy older guy who could probably, maybe someday in another galaxy far, far away charm his way past my widow’s weeds. (Look it up, it’s a proper term.) This guy may be chronologically too young for me---I can’t judge age anymore---but his artistry with a camera alone is a super turn-on and people who knew Don will be able to see the strong resemble between video guy and my husband at his gray-haired best. Who needs on-line dating when I have YouTube to keep me entertained? ©


 

20 comments:

  1. From a guys perspective looking at these sites is depressing. Too many women have profile names like LookingForTheOne or AreYouTheOne. The pressure is immense to meet every checkmark in their list of requirements.

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    1. Thanks for weighing in on this topic, Dean! I found the sites depressing after awhile, too, though I never thought about the pressure aspect. I just saw so many lonely guys who had interests far different than mine. I was curious about the types of profiles women put up but I didn't have the guts or the time to follow through and look. The more I looked at profiles of guys in my zip code the more I thought I knew some of those guys by sight in real life which gave me an idea...if I ever do see a guy in my daily life I'd like to get to know and he's not wearing a wedding ring, I could just walk up to him and use this line: "Do you have a profile posted at SeniorMeetPeople or OurTime?" Might work for you, too, with women. LOL

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    2. oc1dean, that expectation must be terrifying! I'd run a mile.

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  2. From a woman's perspective, looking at these sites is depressing. They all seem to want marriage--I'd just like some guy to talk to about politics or sports or life in general. It's almost like our roles have reversed, once we get into our elder years. Back when I was 45 and looking at the Companion Page--men were very skitterish and none would admit they wanted a new marriage. Maybe we women get more independent, and empowered once we are widowed (or divorced) and older and the men get needier? BTW--I'm done with the sites too, Jean. I too was intrigued with a guy who stated, firmly, that no lady weighing over 135# would interest him when he looked to have a stomach that weighed at least that much. Wouldn't you love to send them a message and point out their arrogance? Onward & Upward--Ever Forward!

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    1. You nailed it, Judy. All I wanted is to talk a little politics and life in general. Marriage is the last thing on my mind and if you believed the profiles, that's the first thing the guys all wanted. Maybe guys do get more needy as they age, I don't know. I think that could be true for those who had a 1950s model wife who did everything around the house. You could easily point out the arrogance and hypocrisy of those guys with the weight requirements because I doubt you weigh more that a litter of wet kittens. I couldn't do it with a straight face because I'm more like a litter of wet dogs.

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    2. In addition, I want to add that Dean brings up a very valid point. We women have our own check lists of wants and likes. I'm assuming that list for both sexes gets longer the longer we live. I mean at 20 what did we want besides chemistry? Not much! That makes it all the harder for both men and women as we age to be open-minded enough to give chemistry a chance to make all the other stuff fall away as unimportant.

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    3. I'm thoroughly enjoying the comments on this blog post, Jean, and nodding a lot. And I thought I was so mature when I married at 19 — not like those other girls.

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    4. Didn't we all at 19, Rachel!

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  3. These on-line dating posts are great. I know women who seem to be addicted to meeting guys this way and so far not one of them has worked out -- most have been disasters. I don't get it. By the way, Oprah did an hour-long show with Louis Schwartzberg on her Super Soul Sunday program a few months ago. I recorded it and watch bits and pieces now and again just to see that amazing photography. And Louis' pretty cute too.

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    1. I love Oprah, I would have liked to see an her interview Louis. I think I'll try to see if it's on YouTube.

      I know two ladies who met their husbands online, but both ran through a lot of guys to get to the keepers. The disasters are what I'd be afraid of.

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  4. Men or women - seems we're all looking for someone to melt our hearts and be putty in our hands. >sigh< Well, if looking for romance puts the sparkle in our eyes and spring in our step, I'm all for it at any age. Can't imagine that my sixth or seventh decade will throw cold water on that. But joining households??? Marriage??

    I loved the song - so funny!

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    1. More power to you if you can pull it off, GowithFlo. Thing is if the guy or the woman is set on looking for a relationship that leads to marriage and joining households, it's bound to have a bad ending, if the other is just looking for something more causal, don't you think?

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    2. Absolutely. That's my post widowhood romantic history in a nutshell LOL

      I've been out of the pool almost a year now. If I ever do get back in, I know how deep I want to go. BUT you never know. That's what makes life interesting. One boyfriend - we were both casual - swore he couldn't fall in love enough to get married. Well, he's doing just that. To a nurse !

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    3. Guess that just proves we can't trust human emotions. They overrule the head many times over and we end up following our hearts...like your x-boyfriend did with his nurse. Bummer for you!

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  5. I agree wholeheartedly about not mingling assets. I tell my husband, "Don't fall for someone who will walk off with my grand's inheritance." Men seem to remarry sooner than women. Of course, there are fewer available men than women. I think it is very hard to recreate what it has taken years to build. And we are so much pickier, the older we get. It makes the whole thing more difficult.

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    1. My brother and his lady friend live 40 miles apart and alternate weekends at each others. They go to all the social events in both families as a couple and they both say they're not going to get married sighting the kids' inheritances as one of the reasons. Merging assets gets messy for seniors with kids who think they are next inline, then find their new step mother/father and his/her family take it all because wills get changed, etc. One of our common bloggers has written about that happening to her.....

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    2. My brother and his "lady friend" have lived together in his house for about seven years, but there's been no mention of marriage. She rents her house. She has two sons. He has a son and three grandchildren and a business. There's entirely too much potential for a big mess if they marry. I don't think they will, but you never know. I'm sure there would be a prenup.

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    3. Sounds reasonable to me. I think that's what makes me skeptical of all the guys on dating sites that claim to be marriage minded. What works for 20 gets complicated after families are involved.

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  6. Even though I'm not there yet, or even thinking about dating, it's got to be a comedy of errors!!! In my circle, it's 50/50 success ... some are never "lucky" and some have gotten married.

    But I'm 100% positive that there would be no merging of money. I have siblings who started from the very beginning keeping their money separate. Somehow they manage ... one person pays the mortgage, one buys the groceries. One pays for gifts and vacations, the other pays for insurance and car maintenance. We always put ours in the same pot but had an understanding of discussing purchases over $100.

    Stay tuned!

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    1. Keeping your money separate while living together works if you never split up down the road. It gets messy proving part ownership of something if you can't produce a payment made in your name.

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