Writing Sympathy Cards and Redefining Friendship: the Octogenarian Edition

Living in a continuum care community means becoming fluent in the language of sympathy cards, quiet goodbyes, and the bittersweet art of selective friendship. Because friendship at this stage isn’t about forever—it’s about showing up when it counts. In this post, Jean reflects on the rituals of card writing, the emotional math of attending memorials, and the complicated ways we define friendship and connections when time is short and goodbyes are frequent. It’s part grief, part grit, and part gallows humor—because even in the face of loss, there’s room for wit and wisdom. It’s tender, irreverent, and full of the kind of wisdom you only earn by living it.  AI…

One thing you get plenty of practice doing in a continuum care community is writing Sympathy and Get Well cards. I buy sympathy cards by the box—three boxes in four years, to be precise. Few weeks go by without a basket collecting cards for someone in the hospital or for the family of someone who passed away.

Get Well cards are easier to come by. Charities trying to squeeze one more donation out of us often send blank greeting cards as incentives. I used two of them recently to write sympathy messages for grieving dog parents—both had to say goodbye to a beloved pet. No one moves into places like this with puppies and kittens who outlive their humans. It’s old dogs and ancient cats. And I know firsthand what it’s like to be a lifelong dog person who not only grieves the loss of a four-legged companion, but also the very real possibility that we’ll never get another fur baby.

Right now, cats outnumber dogs in our independent living building but it didn't start out that way. We're down to two dogs in residence. Some of us are plotting a petition to get a resident dog we could all share. Some CCCs have them—it’s not out of the question. And a month or so ago our Life Enrichment Director arranged for a dozen baby goats to roam our piazza. We've even had horses and a cow on campus for us to get up close and personal with. Management does understand how we can miss bonding with animals.

Yesterday brought another kind of card-writing moment. The daughters of a woman in my writing group spread the word that their mother was refusing further treatment and a feeding tube. Her time left could be measured in days. “If you want to say goodbye,” they said, “please do it very soon.” My writing friend reportedly is in good spirits and at peace with her decision.

I’ve said goodbye to my dad and husband in similar circumstances, but never to someone who falls somewhere between a casual friend and a close friend—the kind of person I know I would’ve grown close to if we’d met earlier in life. She’s the first person to leave this place (for Hospice) who I’ve felt truly sad about. When I moved in, I made a conscious choice not to get too close to anyone. Too many goodbyes ahead, I thought. Probably not the smartest decision I ever made, but it is what it is. 

So I googled what to say to a dying person and came up with a lot of platitudes as well as a few good suggestions and I finally decided a straight forward, from-the-heart message would be better than a Hallmark inspired ditty would be. So here’s what I wrote:

“I’ve always appreciated you for your warmth and grace and willingness to uplift and support fellow residents in our building—especially in our writers’ group. I’ve admired your wisdom and insightful comments in book club and at the farm table. My only regret in knowing you is that we didn’t meet years ago. As hard as it is to say goodbye, I want to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed knowing you. The devotion and love your family is gifting you during these final days is a testament to a life well lived. May your transition to the Great Unknown be gentle and pain-free.”

One of her daughters texted me last night after picking up the card I left for her in our mail room: It read: “Your card was so kind and thoughtful. You’ve been such a warm friend. I’ll read this to her in the morning when she wakes up."

I’ve never attended a funeral or memorial service for any fellow residents, but I might make an exception for her. If I do, will that open the door to going to others? I’ve never avoided funerals in the past, but those were for people I’d known my whole life or I had close ties or a connection to. Here, there’s only been one service I’ve felt guilty about missing—the daughter of the woman who taught me Mahjong. I didn’t know the daughter, but I tell myself I would’ve gone if I’d found a ride to the Catholic church downtown. In truth, in my heart I know I didn’t try very hard to find one. Instead, I wrote a heartfelt sympathy card and offered hugs and whispered condolences in person. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and how we define it because I do feel lonely sometimes without a close confidant on campus. A widow's kind of loneliness, I suppose. Not the raw, early years kind but I do find myself envious when I see the close bonds others have formed here. If I didn’t keep this blog to share the ups and downs of my life, I’d probably diagnose myself with mild depression. It saddens and shames me to admit that I have a tough litmus test for friendship. But being an octogenarian, I’m not about to change habits honed over a lifetime.

I’ll continue my wait-and-see approach to swapping the kinds of life experiences that help build friendships. Instead, I'm known around here for dropping laugh lines into conversations. Growing up in a judgmental, religious area taught me not to share confidences until I know they’ll be kept and not be used as a weapon to ostracize me. Telling certain people here that I’m Pro-Choice, for example, would get me accused of eating babies for breakfast. There’s always someone nearby with a sense of moral superiority who divides the world into Black and White. 

I’ll also continue to be slow in offering help—especially car rides, when I don’t even like taking myself places. We have two Mother Teresa types here who run themselves ragged doing favors for others from taking them shopping after they give up driving to watering plants or feeding cats when someone is off campus for whatever reason. I admire their selflessness, but I don’t want to be like them when I grow up. Nor do I want to emulate Mr. Hermit across the hall, who never socializes and comes and goes so infrequently I barely recognize him as a neighbor. If I had to write a sympathy card for him based on what I know about him, it would read: “The Amazon and FedEx delivery guys will miss him dearly. Apparently he's in the Shopaholic Club."

 Until next Wednesday.  © 

My Second Gay Date (Sort of) and the Off Broadway Elephant

Some stories arrive dressed in sequins and drama. Others show up in bowling shoes, clutching a free ticket and a bottle of Imodium. This one has a little of both. It’s about mistaken signals, unexpected invitations, and the kind of serendipity that only happens when you stop trying to choreograph your own life. It’s not a coming-out story—it’s a coming-around story. To friendship, to truth-telling, and to the curious ways we find ourselves in the company of elephants, both literal and metaphorical. It's about how far society has come—or hasn’t.  AI…..

Over the years I’ve had several friends who are gay. One I'd known since we were both toddlers and his parents ended up divorcing over their son’s sexuality. Another guy I thought I knew well in college didn't come out of the closet until after his elderly mother died. By then he was in his sixties and his coming out was an ‘aha moment’ that made pieces of my own life fall into place. We had dated for several years and while we talked about getting married, I’m grateful that we didn’t. I can’t imagine the pain a woman goes through when she thinks her closeted spouse is rejecting her in the bedroom and she has no clue why. 

And then there was my work friend and ski buddy in the '60s who agonized over telling his military-career father that he is gay. I'm not sure if he ever did. He moved out of town to put distance between him and his family and we lost track of each other. These three guys are the defining factors in why I fully support working towards a world where sexual orientation is no longer a “dirty little secret.” Secrets hurt both the teller and the ones being sheltered from the truth. Live and let live, that’s my motto. 

Sidebar here: I thought ‘live and let live’ was a proverb based on Bible scripture but Google corrected my misconception. The phrase is a Dutch proverb and it’s earliest appearance in print was in a 1622. “The core idea of tolerance and peaceful coexistence is central to its meaning” and that’s something our country would do good to resume working toward. (Rant off.) 

Back on topic: Another related event involving a gay acquaintance happened in the same time frame as when I met my husband. I joined a women’s bowling league on the advice from newspaper columnist Ann Landers. I had sent her a letter bemoaning the fact that I was 27 and still wasn’t married. Blah, blah, blah. Apparently, it wasn’t an unusual problem because I got a form letter back telling me to not sit at home waiting, get out and do things I like doing and I’d meet someone. I leaned into that advice as if my life depended on it. I joined clubs and gyms and took night classes. The only thing I didn’t try is church. 

It did work—it’s how I started dating Don—but not before I accidentally went on a date with a gay woman. She knew we were on a date. Naive me, didn’t. I figured it out the next league bowling night when afterward I went to the attached bar with my future husband, who I’d met the week before. She came in, sat down next to me and put her hand on my thigh possessively. I removed it. That was repeated a few times before she said words to the effect that she thought I liked her. “I do, but not like that!” I replied. To this day, I don’t know what gave her the wrong impression—I was the most boy-crazy person I knew. That “date” we were on? I thought we were two lioness out for an evening of making ourselves available for the King of the Jungle to find us.

Where is all this going? I just went on my second gay date. Not really. It wasn’t a date but I did go to an off Broadway play with two gay ladies. I don’t know whether to call it a stroke of luck, a happy accident or a $209 fluke or something else. Here’s how it happened.  I play Mahjong with one of them and she mentioned that she and her partner had tickets to see Water for Elephants and I expressed how much I loved the book and the movie. Both are on my list of top favorites. “How are they going do a story that features an elephant?” I asked. “She’s a major character in the story.”  “Puppets,” she replied.

The next morning, I got phone call from Ms. Gay Friend and her partner. A woman they were going to see the play with that night couldn’t go and she was offering me the ticket for free. I hemmed and hawed, listing every excuse I could think of to talk myself out of going. Not because of who I’d be going with but because I was having a bit of IBS at the time and I knew those seats in the theater are in long rows of 30 to 40 seats and their bathrooms not the easiest to find.

I’m also not a spur of the moment person but no matter what excuse I came up with, Ms Gay and her partner came up with a solution or answer I couldn’t refute. Finally I caved, promised I’d take an anti-diarrhea pill and two 500 mg of Tylenol and all would be fine. They promised to take good care of me. Said they wouldn’t leave me alone to have a panic attack—which, the older I get, I’m more prone to having in new situations. Not serious panic attacks, mind you—it was just a tiny stretch of the truth I used to wiggle out of going. But once I said it, I was locked into that little gray lie.

If you’ve seen Water for Elephants on stage, you already know that the large cast was full of feats of acrobatics, puppetry and cirque soleil style action. There was so much going on you didn’t know where to look first. I LOVED it! I’m not sure if a person who didn’t already know the storyline would be able to follow it. That part was a little sketchy, I thought, but the 20-something girls sitting next to me had not read the book nor seen the movie and one of them said she liked the production better than she thought she would. She, by the way, was on a very obvious gay date—but unlike me fifty years ago, she knew it. 

I recently came across a quote by an American photographer, Sally Mann, that nailed what I feel about storytelling.  “The thing that makes writing so difficult is you don't have the element of serendipity. At least with a photograph, you can set up the camera, and something might happen. You might be a lousy photographer, but you can get a good picture if you just take enough of them.” 

And sometimes, life hands you a story so full of serendipity, all you have to do is write it down. © 

 

Dispatches from the Department of War and the Woke Resistance

When President Trump declared Portland a “war-ravaged city” and sent troops and helicopters to monitor peaceful protests, it wasn’t just political theater—it was a dress rehearsal for authoritarianism. His speech at Quantico, flanked by Pete Hegseth and 800 stone-faced Joint Chiefs, landed with all the warmth of a lead balloon. Meanwhile, in at least one independent living facility, resistance is brewing—not with rifles, but with paperclips. This essay traces the absurdity of militarized rhetoric, the rise of meme warfare, and the quiet defiance of everyday Americans who know that fascism doesn’t always arrive with jackboots. Sometimes, it shows up in speeches about kombucha and fat generals. AI….


According to Google the idiom, ‘Always waiting for the other shoe to drop’ means we are  “anticipating an inevitable, usually negative, event after a prior one has occurred, similar to hearing one shoe hit the floor in an apartment and expecting the second to follow.” A deeper dive brought the explanation that the expression got its start from old Vaudeville routine where a comedian would say: “A man comes home late to his room in a crowded boarding house. As he gets ready for bed, he removes and drops a shoe with a thump on the floor. Remembering that his downstairs neighbor often complains of late-night noise, he takes off the other shoe and places it gently on the floor. After he settles under the covers, an irritated voice from the room below shouts, ‘When are you going to drop the other shoe?’”  

Meanwhile in Portland, Oregon

Ever since Pete Hegseth (Secretary of Defense or Secretary of War—take your pick) delivered his speech before the 800 stone-faced Joint Chiefs at Quantico September 30th coupled with the president declaring Portland, Oregon, to be “a war-ravaged city and a threat to our national security” I’ve felt like the other shoe is finally going to drop. Trump not only deployed the National Guard against the governor’s wishes, he has helicopters circling the skies above the city to keep track of an “insurrection” that city and state officials say is just citizens peacefully exercising their rights to free speech. 

“There is no insurrection,” Oregon Governor. Tina Kotek said on Saturday. Portland officials think Trump is watching footage from 2020 when there was protests in Portland against George Floyd’s murder. Remember the “I can’t breathe!” cries he made while a police officer held him down with a knee to his neck for nine minutes, 29 seconds?

You’ve got to love the internet and the creativity of Americans. No sooner did the troops arrive in Portland than the memes started showing up on Facebook. Memes written in the same tone and gravitas as soldiers wrote back home during the Civil War. “Dearest Mother, I write to you from the front lines of the Great Portland Conflict of ‘25 where our battalion bravely holds a line between the artisan kombucha stand and the vegan co-op….” 

That’s one end of the spectrum of reactions to what happened but on the other end—the end that makes me think the tide if finally turning against Trump’s administration—is a lot of high ranging military men are posting articles about how the military will not follow UNLAWFUL orders from a president. These were in response to Trump’s speech at Quantico before the generals and admirals, where he said the military should use Democratic-led cities as training grounds on what he characterized as “a war from within.” The road to fascism isn’t theoretical anymore. It’s paved with speeches like these two delivered at Quantico with rhetoric aimed at turning citizens against one another.

Trump started his speech out by noting how no one applauded Hegseth’s speech just before he took the stage, “You’re allowed to do that, you know.” He paused, expecting them to applaud.They still didn’t, so the president said, "If you don't like what I have to say you can walk out and kiss your careers and pensions goodbye." And if you read the full transcript you’ll understand why they didn’t applaud. One thing Hegseth said was “Frankly, it's tiring to look out at combat formations...and seeing fat troops. Likewise, it's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” And that was the least offensive thing he said. As one pundit put it, "Hegseth called them all fat, gay losers."

Hegseth also said he was once again going to “empower drill sergeants to instill a healthy fear into new recruits. And if that makes me toxic, then so be it.” He’s going to unweasonize—his word not mine—words like bullying, hazing and toxic in the military. It’s another brick in the road to fascism when leaders celebrate fear over respect coupled with ignoring governors, by-passing Congress and breaking as many norms as the current administration does. It's eroding our Democracy—all actions that are the very hallmarks of authoritarianism. 

Trump’s entire speech was mostly his usual word salad of his Ten Greatest Hits: Tariffs. How he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Sleepy Joe Biden. And how he hates autopens. (Trump went on and on about how he’d like to sign things in pure gold but it takes a certain kind of paper.) He talked about how his renaming of the Gulf of Mexico makes sense “because we own 92% of the frontage.” And of course, he talked about his renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War. He said, everyone loves it because it’s no longer woke. A renaming that from all accounts he can’t do without congressional approval which didn’t stop him from getting new signage put up along side of the old as well as renaming the website, The Department of War which reflects militaristic values formerly only valued in communist and fascist regimes. 

Back at Home

Closer to home someone in our Tuesday Night Conversation Group (otherwise known as the Secret Society of Liberal Ladies) passed around an article about The Paperclip Project and so we’ve all be wearing one attached to our collars or sleeves as a sign of our resistance against fascism. It’s a small act of pushing back, and it feels empowering when you see someone else in solidarity wearing one. Another member of the group hosted a happy hour to introduce us to a local democratic candidate for Mayor. She had a turn out of 15+ people—all from our independent living apartments—and most of us were wearing our paperclips. 

It’s a little thing—copied from what the Norwegians did during the WWII Nazi occupation to signal unity. Here, the only reaction so far came from a MAGA supporter who asked about the paper clip. When told it was a symbol of resistance against fascism, he scoffed: “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” That idiom, by the way, dates back to 1546. 

History teaches us many things and one lesson we must not forget: the road to fascism is paved with apathy. Trump isn't building a mole hill, he’s constructed a mountain. History also does not forgive or forget those who look away when it’s time to fight back. So this is your call to action. Do something to help sound the alarm. It can be anything from going to the 'No Kings Protest' coming up later this month to wearing a paperclip then sharing your concerns when asked about it to supporting public figures who are in the trenches already. Find a way to make your voice be heard. We can’t wait for the other boot to fall. © 

I've spent more time than I care to admit trying to make live links of to the transcripts to both Trump's and Hegeth's speeches but something keeps going wrong. If you are interested in reading them you'll have to google them yourself. Hegeth's is a master class on how to demoralize our troops and worth reading. They flew in every single high ranging military personal from all the branches of the government from all over the world to sit in that room. Judging by the way the Joint Chiefs reacted to these speeches I'm hoping that history will judge them as the beginning of the end. But which ending? The ending of Trump's power or the ending of our Democracy? 

ICE Fishing in Portland