Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Soulmates, Reoccurring Dreams and one Regret

 


I've had the Winnie-the-Pooh quote at the top of my blog since sometime in 2012, the year my husband died. "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" made sense back then on a widow's blog but lately I've been think about giving my blog a makeover to better reflect where I'm at in life now. But a quote or meme of a grim reaper peering down my neck would scare off too many people. Except for Dawn, of course, author of the Bohemian Vahemian blog. She has what she herself describes as gallows humor and her images often have me scrolling as fast as my little fingers will go to get past the sculls and other dark-side photos she shares. We live entirely different lives but she's one of my favorite bloggers. 

But I'm getting off track because today I want to explore the idea that maybe I still haven't said goodbye to my dearly departed husband? And do people in the form of their soul-energy stick around after they give up their physical bodies? Enough things happened in the first couple of months after Don died that had me convinced souls to have as much trouble letting go as those of us left behind do. For example I rarely wore my wedding ring when we were married. I kept it hanging on a pin inside my computer wardrobe and Don would remind me to put it on when we'd go out. In all the years it hung on that pin it never fell off…until the day a minister came to the house to help me plan Don's service. After the minister left I found the ring on my keyboard, right in front of the monitor. It fell off that pin several more times under similar circumstances in the first few months after Don died. How could I not believe in signs from the other side after that? It was either believe in and be comforted by the signs or use my sense of logic which finally kicked in and told me to suck it up, that I was slamming the computer door harder and faster for the first time in over a decade and that was causing the ring to bounce off the pin. Still....

In the past few months I'm getting signs again that he's close by and I'm wondering if this is common with widows this far out from Death Day or could it just be common with people who are entering the dying process. (No, I don't have an expiration date prognosis, I'm just feeling old and worn out.) Maybe our dying is more than just the dying of the physical body. Maybe the body and soul parting is a reversal of our nine months in the womb sort of thing? Back when Roe vs Wade was debated in the Supreme Court I followed the testimonies of leading scientists and scholars from the major religions in the world that helped the justices decide the case. None of those experts could agree on when life begins and when a soul enters a fetus to make it human was a big part of the discussion. Scientists have a better understanding on the physical side of the equation now but religious leaders still don't agree and they never will because they are basing their opinions on various ways to translate the Bible. So it stands to reason no one really knows when a soul departs our bodies at the end of life either. And whose to say that it happens at the exact same moment for everyone. 

My dreams about Don are increasing in frequency---almost nightly. But I don't know if that means anything because I'm also dreaming about the dogs I've had over the years as well. I get the dog dreams. In my daytime hours I find myself longing for the companionship of a dog. I watch too many Facebook Short Reels of dogs and I have five dogs living in my building that I see daily from a distance. My next door neighbor has a dog that looks similar to my Levi. He was a Schnauzer and Robbie is a Scottie Terrier. But it breaks my heart that Robbie doesn't like me. To be fair he doesn't like most people but he literally leaves the room when I come into their apartment. Maybe the reason I've started reading romance books again is a longing for the found-your-soulmate vibes you get from those kinds of books? Two people fitting together like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, what's not to like? Don't read that as I want another man in my life. No! Way! Jose! Great relationships take time to build and I'm running out of time.

Sometimes when you read a widow's blog you can get the impression that the marriage was all hearts and flowers and hand holding. I call it the 'Pedestal Versions' of the marriages that widows tend to present. And I was guilty of doing that, of writing mostly about the peaks and ignoring the valleys. But damn it, in our defense those of us with Pedestal Husbands found out that when our guys were alive we often took them for granted and all those annoying things we might have complained about simply were not important in the grand scheme. (Let that be a cautionary tale if you still have a spouse.) My husband was far from perfect. He did stupid guy stuff like hold the blankets over my head while he farted in bed. I read a scene like that in romance book last month and I burst out laughing, then I almost cried. Who would have ever guested you could miss a fart! 

But the worst guy thing Don ever did was once he yelled at me (instead of a neighbor) when the neighbor backed his car into my parked car, doing hundreds of dollars worth of damage. “You should have known better than to park directly across from a driveway!” Don shouted. The next day when I called him out on the fact that I was legally parked he said words to the effect that he was just trying to use it as a "teachable moment" for the teens who were helping us paint a house that day. "Sure, Don," I shot back. "You just taught them its okay to raise your voice to a woman, you yo-yo! And for a stupid-ass unfair reason!" Those teens were fatherless boys who looked at Don as a role model. And to this day I regret that I didn't defend myself on the spot and that he unfairly pinned the blame of the accident on me in the first place. I console myself with the fact that for three years we could barely ever leave the house without those neighborhood boys tagging alone and with a few notable exceptions, we role modeled the hell out of them as to what a healthy male/female relationship looks like.  ©


25 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Mr too. I need to print it out so I can see them every day.

      Delete
  2. Good to hear that you are entering a new phase or acknowledging that you are in one. Best widhes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've no idea if dreaming about your dearly departed spouse, who died years ago, is anything unusual OR if it has meaning. Fascinating that it's happening to you, yet couldn't explain why.

    #2, #5, #6 - these are principles I live by

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd think I'd dream about my mom and dad once in a while too, but those dreams are rare. It feels like I'm making peace with myself and my life choices, if that makes any sense.

      Delete
  4. I did a search for Bohemian Vahemian but nothing came up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay…never mind. I added blog to the search and found it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I link is in my side bar as well. She's a very long-winded and frequent blogger.

      Delete
    2. I so envy your marriage..that is the one true regret I have in life. I was married 28 years and the first 17 were quite good. Then we retired too early and moved away from his comfort zone (mainly his work]. It went downhill from there. Controlling, condescending and criticism began to rear their ugly heads. Not totally, but enough for it to let resentment and disappointment come to me. When he died after 11 years, it took me awhile, but I’m finally happy, self sufficient, capable and free.

      I do dream occasionally of him, but the dreams are not happy ones.

      I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, I’m not sure I’ve even want to see him. The hurt was pretty deep.
      But one thing I have absolutely no interest in having a man in my life ever again. I’m happy with my few good friends, my home and hobbies and that is more than enough at 78. Mary

      Delete
    3. My dad always said our heaven is created here on earth by the people who remember you with fondness. The longer we're remembered that way the longer we are in heaven. On the other side of the coin he said our hell is created by the people we leave behind who curse our names or totally forget about us. And I just had an break-through kind of thought about why I always wanted to be a famous painter or writer! I want to be in that heaven he talked about...remembered beyond my years on earth!

      My my dad's definition your husband is hell.

      Delete
  6. Loved the story of the Parked Car. I still dream about my ex-husband of 40 years ago. I think a person that was so centered in your life is bound to appear with good, bad or indifferent effect. Do we need characters to carry out or releave us of ideas? I think a loving, even if imperfect, husband is good to remember as are other good memories about life. I'm glad you were able to enjoy him in real life as long as you did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing that you still dream about your ex-husband. Maybe our subconscious is trying to make peace and make sense of our relationships and actions?

      Delete
  7. I had quite a few "messages" from my spouse after he died too. Then I found out about his cheating and they stopped altogether. Cowardly even in the afterlife, I guess he didn't want to make contact anymore once I knew who he truly was. I used to dream that he had come back to life and I was so scared (in the dream) he would be mad about me getting rid of his hoard. I'd wake up and be mad at myself for not confronting him in the dream, when I had the chance. So one night I did - in my dream - and then those dreams stopped. I guess I had to work that out for myself.
    It's too bad Robbie doesn't like people - I wonder what happened to him to make him that way. It's very undog-like behaviour.

    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the first few years of widowhood when I'd see things in the day light hours that would trigger a good memory I often felt bad for widows who were in not so good marriages because I could imagine those memories triggers were there for them as well but instead of feeling the bittersweetness of them they'd feel the opposite. Finding out that your husband was cheating on you would cancel out so much of what you might had thought was good in your marriage. You've done a great job of moving on, free of the bitterness that over takes a lot of widows in that same situation.

      I know! Robbie is the strangest dog I've ever know. She's had him since he was a puppy. He doesn't like to be touched and the only people who can walk him beside her is to bribe him with treats. He likes to sit on his deck but if I talk to him he'll retreat to the doorway to the apartment.

      Delete
  8. It will be twelve years in May, and I still get visits. Not as often as you are having. Sometimes they are from him when he was off his pedestal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are often the best memories---those off the pedestal kind that we can laugh at now.

      Delete
  9. Awwwww, Thanks for the Sweet Words and I can just picture you scrolling like Mad thru my Macabre shit shared. *LOL* I don't Believe Souls ever fully depart, Energy never Dies, it just changes Form. In my Dad's Culture the Spirit World and the World we inhabit are intricately intertwined and quite natural to coexist together simultaneously. Even from a Spiritual perspective, I cannot see that we can ignore there is a lot we simply don't know or completely understand no matter what Religion one ascribes to. Most of it is speculation at best and interpretation of whatever has been written by Man over the Centuries or revealed thru Visions. I think as we near our Sunsets we begin to be more connected to the Spirit Realm much like Children are. They are Fresh from the Father and I've never met a Child that hasn't show some interaction with a Realm the more Mature have lost a connection to or fail to acknowledge as openly as a Child just will. When we lived in the Haunted Historic Home, The Young Prince, by Age 2 had seen the previous deceased owner, Mike, many times, describing him down to the color of Clothing and uncanny Physical description. There were no known Photos of Mike in his Old Age becoz he was terribly disfigured by aggressive Skin Cancer, and he had Died many Years before our Grandson was even Born. When he was a Toddler he told me that the "Old Man with no Face" visited the Home often and was very Happy I was taking such good Care of it, which is Why the Spirits there never bothered me personally... but often scared other people. How a Two Year old could relay that much information to me and give me a very accurate description of a Man long deceased, that I did know in Life, was no mere coincidence... he saw Mike from the other Side and didn't have to be Asleep to SEE, but, as an Adult I do Believe that in our Dream State we are more inclined to be 'Open' to what we fail to SEE while Awake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, this is way I love your blog! You always have a different prospective because of your cultural background you share and make us think. I can tell by the images you share that your beliefs are not just lip service when it comes to what I often consider to be creepy.

      Delete
  10. This is really a thoughtful post, Jean. I love your list at the end. I'm saving that one. I do think souls hang about for awhile. Or maybe go away and make return visits now and then. But who will ever know? Will we really? That one's out of my wheelhouse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I don't really believe in a big reveal at the end of our lives nor a heaven in the traditional, Christian definition of the word.

      Delete
  11. I don't remember my dreams, and never really have, so I don't expect to when my husband is gone, but you never know. Dreams are weird. I've been fortunate that I haven't lost a lot of close friends, and wasn't visited after my parents died by any spirits or dreams. Although I'm not religious, there's a lot of weird stuff in the universe, and I don't think we can rule anything out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't imagine not remembering my dreams. Our brains are capable of doing so many things we don't understand and I include dreaming up spirits that don't really exist. Either way, this whole realm of thought has spanned centuries and many cultures hasn't it. Interesting topic to wonder about.

      Delete
  12. P.S. Your Winnie the Pooh quote may not fit you any longer, but I have borrowed it several times when friends have lost spouses, because it just fits, so thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, my gosh! I have used it on newly minted widows too. Thanks for giving me a reason to keep it in my conscious thoughts---at the top.

      Delete

Thanks for taking the time to comment. If you are using ANONYMOUS please identify yourself by your first name as you might not be the only one. Comments containing links from spammers will not be published. All comments are moderated which means I might not see yours right away to publish through for public viewing as I don't sit at my computer 24/7.