Over the years I’ve had several friends who are gay. One I'd known since we were both toddlers and his parents ended up divorcing over their son’s sexuality. Another guy I thought I knew well in college didn't come out of the closet until after his elderly mother died. By then he was in his sixties and his coming out was an ‘aha moment’ that made pieces of my own life fall into place. We had dated for several years and while we talked about getting married, I’m grateful that we didn’t. I can’t imagine the pain a woman goes through when she thinks her closeted spouse is rejecting her in the bedroom and she has no clue why.
And then there was my work friend and ski buddy in the '60s who agonized over telling his military-career father that he is gay. I'm not sure if he ever did. He moved out of town to put distance between him and his family and we lost track of each other. These three guys are the defining factors in why I fully support working towards a world where sexual orientation is no longer a “dirty little secret.” Secrets hurt both the teller and the ones being sheltered from the truth. Live and let live, that’s my motto.
Sidebar here: I thought ‘live and let live’ was a proverb based on Bible scripture but Google corrected my misconception. The phrase is a Dutch proverb and it’s earliest appearance in print was in a 1622. “The core idea of tolerance and peaceful coexistence is central to its meaning” and that’s something our country would do good to resume working toward. (Rant off.)
Back on topic: Another related event involving a gay acquaintance happened in the same time frame as when I met my husband. I joined a women’s bowling league on the advice from newspaper columnist Ann Landers. I had sent her a letter bemoaning the fact that I was 27 and still wasn’t married. Blah, blah, blah. Apparently, it wasn’t an unusual problem because I got a form letter back telling me to not sit at home waiting, get out and do things I like doing and I’d meet someone. I leaned into that advice as if my life depended on it. I joined clubs and gyms and took night classes. The only thing I didn’t try is church.
It did work—it’s how I started dating Don—but not before I accidentally went on a date with a gay woman. She knew we were on a date. Naive me, didn’t. I figured it out the next league bowling night when afterward I went to the attached bar with my future husband, who I’d met the week before. She came in, sat down next to me and put her hand on my thigh possessively. I removed it. That was repeated a few times before she said words to the effect that she thought I liked her. “I do, but not like that!” I replied. To this day, I don’t know what gave her the wrong impression—I was the most boy-crazy person I knew. That “date” we were on? I thought we were two lioness out for an evening of making ourselves available for the King of the Jungle to find us.
Where is all this going? I just went on my second gay date. Not really. It wasn’t a date but I did go to an off Broadway play with two gay ladies. I don’t know whether to call it a stroke of luck, a happy accident or a $209 fluke or something else. Here’s how it happened. I play Mahjong with one of them and she mentioned that she and her partner had tickets to see Water for Elephants and I expressed how much I loved the book and the movie. Both are on my list of top favorites. “How are they going do a story that features an elephant?” I asked. “She’s a major character in the story.” “Puppets,” she replied.
The next morning, I got phone call from Ms. Gay Friend and her partner. A woman they were going to see the play with that night couldn’t go and she was offering me the ticket for free. I hemmed and hawed, listing every excuse I could think of to talk myself out of going. Not because of who I’d be going with but because I was having a bit of IBS at the time and I knew those seats in the theater are in long rows of 30 to 40 seats and their bathrooms not the easiest to find.
I’m also not a spur of the moment person but no matter what excuse I came up with, Ms Gay and her partner came up with a solution or answer I couldn’t refute. Finally I caved, promised I’d take an anti-diarrhea pill and two 500 mg of Tylenol and all would be fine. They promised to take good care of me. Said they wouldn’t leave me alone to have a panic attack—which, the older I get, I’m more prone to having in new situations. Not serious panic attacks, mind you—it was just a tiny stretch of the truth I used to wiggle out of going. But once I said it, I was locked into that little gray lie.
If you’ve seen Water for Elephants on stage, you already know that the large cast was full of feats of acrobatics, puppetry and cirque soleil style action. There was so much going on you didn’t know where to look first. I LOVED it! I’m not sure if a person who didn’t already know the storyline would be able to follow it. That part was a little sketchy, I thought, but the 20-something girls sitting next to me had not read the book nor seen the movie and one of them said she liked the production better than she thought she would. She, by the way, was on a very obvious gay date—but unlike me fifty years ago, she knew it.
I recently came across a quote by an American photographer, Sally Mann, that nailed what I feel about storytelling. “The thing that makes writing so difficult is you don't have the element of serendipity. At least with a photograph, you can set up the camera, and something might happen. You might be a lousy photographer, but you can get a good picture if you just take enough of them.”
And sometimes, life hands you a story so full of serendipity, all you have to do is write it down. ©
Looks like an exciting play. I remember reading this book years ago but had forgotten the plot. Glad you enjoyed yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt was fun. A good share of the cast had trained at circus schools and a few had toured with Circus Soleil. Before I read that in the playbill book, I had wondered if it would be easier to train singers to do circus acts or to train people who did acrobatics to sing. It was fabulous but would never spend that much money on one night, though. Too rich for my income level.
DeleteLike Ellen D., I read the book years ago and have forgotten most of what is was about. Time for a re-read! I feel the same way as you about people - just let people live and be who they are. So much hurt and hurting goes on when people have to hide and feel shame about the way they are made. I grew up in a homophobic household and was afraid of gay people when I was young, as a result. Not only did I have to hear it at home, but the only representation of them I could access in books or media portrayed them as either criminals, insane, or very sad, broken individuals. This is why representation matters, and I applaud every book, show or movie that portrays LGBTQ characters as complete human beings in all their glory just living their lives...just like straight characters. I had my eyes and mind opened as I got older thankfully, especially when one of my sisters revealed she was gay. Great post, Jean.
ReplyDeleteDeb
Thanks for the comment and validation of my thoughts o the topic. Must have been hard on your sister growing up in a homophobic household. Do you think the on some level your parent suspected your sister was gay? I've seen and read about parents who've said they could tell when their child was very young.
DeleteI was really naive growing up and didn't know about gay people until I was in my late teens. My parents neither bad-mouthed the gay community or promote it in any way when the topic came up later in life.
Yes, it was hard for her. The homophobia at home consisted mostly of "jokes" and slurs from my dad. My mom was very accepting when my sister came out to her and Dad said he was too, but when he was drunk he could be cruel. My sister was different from me and my other sister from a very early age. While we wanted to play with dolls, she wanted to play with Hot Wheels and Meccano (which my parents happily bought for her, and we all got to enjoy), for example.
DeleteWhen we know better we do better...somehow that Oprah quote seems fitting here. Glad your parents came around. Though, I'm sure parents go through a mourning period before acceptances comes.
DeleteWhat an interesting topic! I also was very naive, and didn't find out until I joined Facebook in 2008 that many of my friends from high school and college were gay. Looking back, now I can see it, but then it was so hidden and forbidden that I did not. I'm really glad it's out in the open now, because it's a horrible way to live, having to hide who you are. Since I was very into music, band, and drama in high school and college, it's not surprising that many of my friends were gay, I guess. One of my sons has a lot of gay friends, and has since middle school. He's not gay himself, but, like me, just has a lot of gay friends. I wondered about him when he was younger, but I don't think it would have been a problem if he were. At least, I don't think I would have had a problem with it. It was definitely a problem for his gay friends when they were in middle and high school, though. They got bullied a lot, and I heard about some of it. Kids (and grown-ups) can be very cruel. It's definitely better, but not great. But when I was in high school it was illegal, so that's better. I wish the world had fewer assholes, and none were in charge. Wouldn't that be great?
ReplyDeleteI was in the floral industry for 20 years and a lot of gays, back then, were in the business but if we had kids in my high school who were gay I didn't know it. I'm afraid that the current administration is going to drive some/many in the community back in the closet. In my opinion, a lots of heterosexual guys who bash gay guys are insecure in their own sexuality and are afraid they will be tempted to change teams, so to speak.
DeleteHey Jean, I've been very sporadic about commenting lately and I apologize. I read but leave it at that. I vow to do better! I loved this post. I have many gay friends. It's no big deal, right? But so many are still so upset about something they have no understanding of or compassion for the discrimination and false narratives about sexuality. It heartens me to hear my young (16 and 10) granddaughters talk about bisexual, gay, lesbian, straight people all in the same respectful accepting way. They already know gay adults and youth and are not in the least judgmental. Something to be said for being exposed to differences and taught to see everyone as as a PERSON from a young age.
ReplyDeleteYou got that right! Whether it's acceptance of people of different races or different sexual orientation, the children set a good example...they have to be taught to hate. Things have changed for the better over our live time, which is why it upsets me when people in power do things like pulling books out of libraries that have a gay character in it, no matter how minor that character is. Or banning gays from serving in the military.
DeleteI have a gay daughter, and my biggest concern was always the way the world would treat her. When she was young (5th grade maybe...long before any gender discussions) she came to Take Your Daughter to Work Day. She was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt (nothing abnormal), had a haircut not much different from mine, and hung out with me all day. The next day, our CEO called me into his office (small company) and suggested that my daughter looked "a little butch" and that it was my job to set an example for her. WTF. I said she was in the 5th grade, got good grades, had lots of friends and was happy and I wasn't sure what more he thought I should be doing. I was FURIOUS and let him know it. Later, she and I moved to California where she attended HS and she is pretty well adjusted -- has a PhD and has done a lot of "good" in the world already. I've learned a lot from her.
ReplyDeleteI did have gay friends in HS but no one talked about it except to call them "sissies" or the like. The females had it much easier as I recall. One guy is still a good friend and he told me he didn't realize he was gay until he went to college and fell in love. Another gay guy from our HS walked out one night and stepped in front of a semi. I think it was really hard being gay in that little town, and most of them left after HS and never came back.
So you can understand my concern re: my daughter's mental health. Living in California was a good thing for her. I'm really glad that LGBTQ people have it a bit better now, but there is still a contingent of society that would like to eliminate them, especially with this administration. It's frightening.
I can't imagine how hard it was to keep working for that company after that little 'talk' which was out of line on so many levels.
DeleteI would also imagine that with sexual orientation more out in the open now than when we were in high school a gay person would realize their gayness at younger ages than when most of us didn't even have the vocabulary or awareness that sexuality can be on a sliding scale...hardwired into our brains. Unfortunately, even as I type a local school board is discussing this very topic. Right wingers call in woke indoctrination and think like that boss you wrote about.
I had two male classmates who were gay. One was teased mercilessly and came home from college his freshman year, grabbed a knife and slit his throat at the breakfast table.
ReplyDeleteThe other left our small town the day after graduation. He came home when he was dying from AIDS and his mother cared for him. It was in the early days of the disease and people were terrified of them.
I have lots of gay friends, my favorite cousin has been with her wife for over 20 years. There is still so much hostility and discrimination and meanness out there. My small country church told a gay couple who have been active members for over 30 years and brought up their two children in the church that they can't do readings anymore. I have a ball cap with a patch that says "ally" and I walk in marches with my friends. I know it doesn't change the world.
The play sounds fabulous! I was so glad you were able to go. I actually paid over $100 for a ticket to a traveling broadway show "Wicked" when it came to a city about two hours away. I was shocked at myself but it was worth every penny. That was pre-covid and the last time I did that, lol.
Gosh, the classmate who killed himself is such a tragic story. Not allowing a couple who've supported their church for 30 years not to go readings anymore is so small minded!
DeleteI had to look up "ally" because it's was new to me. In case it is to others, google says it stands for: "...someone that aligns with and supports a cause with another individual or group of people. A straight ally, more specifically, is an individual outside of the LGBTQ+ community that supports their fight for equality and rights."
😊👍❤️
ReplyDeleteHave never understood the right-wing obsession with other people's sexuality.
ReplyDeleteIBS: Flared 2 weeks before the election last November and is still bothering me, which isn't hard to understand since the assault on our democracy makes the news in one form or another daily. I'm waiting to see if the mid-terms provide some relief!
I see lots of encouraging signs we're near a breaking point in what the Old School Republican will continue to stay silent about. They are speaking up more and more, not to mention that we are winning most of the court cases that are brought against 45/47's abuse of power. It's sinful that we have to waste so much time and money fighting to keep what shouldn't be threatened now, but we do.
DeleteIBS can be so distressful, can't it, and so many contributing factors come into play.
I hope that comes to our Wharton Center here next year. It's not on this season's schedule. And I'm glad you went. Sometimes we've just got to take that chance. As a theatre major in the 60s/early 70s, I made many gay male friends pretty early in life. One is still one of my best friends; the other (who recently died) was until then. Andy was always my back-up date to a wedding if I wasn't with anyone else (which was pretty common back then because in theater, you didn't meet a lot of straight men). He looked great, fabulous dancer, good style, could talk to anyone. No one could understand why we didn't get married! (Except Andy, me and my parents and friends!) From there to now, my world is still filled with people who aren't like me -- they may be gay or black or another minority. How they live their lives (all of which, I might add, are extremely respectable, filled with loving relationships) is their issue, not mine. I'm just grateful to know kind, generous people who do good things in the world. I don't see why it should matter to anyone else. I learned a long time ago that people are people and we define the qualities we want to have those people bring into our lives. I look for those who are good people, kind, generous in spirit, people with whom you can share and hold confidence, those who love. Of course, the more interests we share, the better, but even if those are few, I learn from them. I don't care if someone is gay, straight, or of any race -- if they are mean, unkind, racist, fascist, or so many other things, then I don't have a place for them in my circle of comrades. Maybe that says something negative about me and I try to be tolerant and try to be accepting of other viewpoints, but that's harder these days.
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DeleteWhat you've written here about your life-long friendship with a gay guy makes me sad that my work-friend ski buddy and I lost contact with each other after he moved out of state. He was such a great friend to have. We could go anywhere and have fun together. Also a great back update for weddings when I was in between boyfriends. I love everything you've written up above.
Being in theater as you were, you'll really appreciate the set design for Water for Elephants. At first is seemed too simple how they simulated being on a train but as the play moved from one scene to another I came to appreciate how 'portable and universal the two-level metal platforms on wheels that they moved about were. It was genius. I worked on set designs in high school so I was really intrigued.
Good for you for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. I know I need to do it more often too. It is even more exciting that you pushed yourself and you dearly loved it. I'm glad for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Sometimes I ask myself how I got to be such a fuddy duddy. But then I decided that I've been timid about doing a lot of stuff. What's different now is that I no longer have a spouse to push me outside of my comfort zone.
DeleteMy high school class had 1200+ students, so there were loads of people we didn't know at all. One of my classmates took it upon himself to contact every alumnus to request what they're doing now, and he created a class website. When I look into it, I am surprised at how many of the guys in our class are gay, and I have not come across one single gay women on the website. Apparently they still don't feel comfortable revealing that on the site. At the 50th reunion a casual friend talked with me about how hard it was to be gay in that small town in the 1960s.
DeleteNina
Your theory may be partly responsible for why no gay women coming forth from your class. But it's also because of the biology of how gayness is "baked" into the fetus' during a pregnancy. More babies are born with male genitalia that doesn't match the wiring in their brains than babies born with female genitalia that don't match.
DeleteThere were some Gay Classmates in my distant Past, but I think being 'Out' back then was very difficult and so most were not. By the 70's when Rock Bands were wearing Makeup and Big Hair with Flamboyant Costumes it was difficult to really discern Sexuality. I remember having a Crush on Singer George Michael and not realizing at all that he was Gay, even tho' now it is so obvious... some people didn't even recognize that The Village People were Gay, in spite of Appearance and Lyrics of their Songs. Different Times. By my Kid's Generation their Gay Friends were mostly Out, tho' still many remained Closeted if they could fly under the Gaydar. By my Grandchildren's Generation all pretenses of pretending to be Straight was reserved mostly for the Lipstick Lesbians or the very Butch Male Gays like my Grandson's Husband. The Young Prince has been openly Fabulous since he was Two Years Old, so, we knew well in advance and by the time he was in Puberty, he never pretending to be anything but how he just is and it was accepted by most... but, not all. There always has been that segment of Homophobic Society, mostly from the Religious Right who would say things to a Tween Gay Child that his Grandparents should be "Praying the Gay away...", and thankfully our Grandson has a Wicked sense of humor and sarcastically told his Friend's Fundie Parents, "Oh, so THAT'S how it Works???" *Bwahahahahaha* He's Trans and upon my advice waited 'til he was strong and grown to go Drag in Public so he could adequately defend himself against Hate Crimes... but at Home I'd say just do you and be Proud of who you are, fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator just like any other Sentient Being on this Earth. That Event you went to, I'm glad you went, since, it seems it was enjoyable... and FREE... Bonus!
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband definitely did the right thing in raising your grandson the way you did. If we didn't have the pray-the-gay-away type people in the world the place would be a lot safer for all and the suicide rate would be nil without the pressure on young people to change something that is baked into their DNA.
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