Writing Sympathy Cards and Redefining Friendship: the Octogenarian Edition

Living in a continuum care community means becoming fluent in the language of sympathy cards, quiet goodbyes, and the bittersweet art of selective friendship. Because friendship at this stage isn’t about forever—it’s about showing up when it counts. In this post, Jean reflects on the rituals of card writing, the emotional math of attending memorials, and the complicated ways we define friendship and connections when time is short and goodbyes are frequent. It’s part grief, part grit, and part gallows humor—because even in the face of loss, there’s room for wit and wisdom. It’s tender, irreverent, and full of the kind of wisdom you only earn by living it.  AI…

One thing you get plenty of practice doing in a continuum care community is writing Sympathy and Get Well cards. I buy sympathy cards by the box—three boxes in four years, to be precise. Few weeks go by without a basket collecting cards for someone in the hospital or for the family of someone who passed away.

Get Well cards are easier to come by. Charities trying to squeeze one more donation out of us often send blank greeting cards as incentives. I used two of them recently to write sympathy messages for grieving dog parents—both had to say goodbye to a beloved pet. No one moves into places like this with puppies and kittens who outlive their humans. It’s old dogs and ancient cats. And I know firsthand what it’s like to be a lifelong dog person who not only grieves the loss of a four-legged companion, but also the very real possibility that we’ll never get another fur baby.

Right now, cats outnumber dogs in our independent living building but it didn't start out that way. We're down to two dogs in residence. Some of us are plotting a petition to get a resident dog we could all share. Some CCCs have them—it’s not out of the question. And a month or so ago our Life Enrichment Director arranged for a dozen baby goats to roam our piazza. We've even had horses and a cow on campus for us to get up close and personal with. Management does understand how we can miss bonding with animals.

Yesterday brought another kind of card-writing moment. The daughters of a woman in my writing group spread the word that their mother was refusing further treatment and a feeding tube. Her time left could be measured in days. “If you want to say goodbye,” they said, “please do it very soon.” My writing friend reportedly is in good spirits and at peace with her decision.

I’ve said goodbye to my dad and husband in similar circumstances, but never to someone who falls somewhere between a casual friend and a close friend—the kind of person I know I would’ve grown close to if we’d met earlier in life. She’s the first person to leave this place (for Hospice) who I’ve felt truly sad about. When I moved in, I made a conscious choice not to get too close to anyone. Too many goodbyes ahead, I thought. Probably not the smartest decision I ever made, but it is what it is. 

So I googled what to say to a dying person and came up with a lot of platitudes as well as a few good suggestions and I finally decided a straight forward, from-the-heart message would be better than a Hallmark inspired ditty would be. So here’s what I wrote:

“I’ve always appreciated you for your warmth and grace and willingness to uplift and support fellow residents in our building—especially in our writers’ group. I’ve admired your wisdom and insightful comments in book club and at the farm table. My only regret in knowing you is that we didn’t meet years ago. As hard as it is to say goodbye, I want to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed knowing you. The devotion and love your family is gifting you during these final days is a testament to a life well lived. May your transition to the Great Unknown be gentle and pain-free.”

One of her daughters texted me last night after picking up the card I left for her in our mail room: It read: “Your card was so kind and thoughtful. You’ve been such a warm friend. I’ll read this to her in the morning when she wakes up."

I’ve never attended a funeral or memorial service for any fellow residents, but I might make an exception for her. If I do, will that open the door to going to others? I’ve never avoided funerals in the past, but those were for people I’d known my whole life or I had close ties or a connection to. Here, there’s only been one service I’ve felt guilty about missing—the daughter of the woman who taught me Mahjong. I didn’t know the daughter, but I tell myself I would’ve gone if I’d found a ride to the Catholic church downtown. In truth, in my heart I know I didn’t try very hard to find one. Instead, I wrote a heartfelt sympathy card and offered hugs and whispered condolences in person. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and how we define it because I do feel lonely sometimes without a close confidant on campus. A widow's kind of loneliness, I suppose. Not the raw, early years kind but I do find myself envious when I see the close bonds others have formed here. If I didn’t keep this blog to share the ups and downs of my life, I’d probably diagnose myself with mild depression. It saddens and shames me to admit that I have a tough litmus test for friendship. But being an octogenarian, I’m not about to change habits honed over a lifetime.

I’ll continue my wait-and-see approach to swapping the kinds of life experiences that help build friendships. Instead, I'm known around here for dropping laugh lines into conversations. Growing up in a judgmental, religious area taught me not to share confidences until I know they’ll be kept and not be used as a weapon to ostracize me. Telling certain people here that I’m Pro-Choice, for example, would get me accused of eating babies for breakfast. There’s always someone nearby with a sense of moral superiority who divides the world into Black and White. 

I’ll also continue to be slow in offering help—especially car rides, when I don’t even like taking myself places. We have two Mother Teresa types here who run themselves ragged doing favors for others from taking them shopping after they give up driving to watering plants or feeding cats when someone is off campus for whatever reason. I admire their selflessness, but I don’t want to be like them when I grow up. Nor do I want to emulate Mr. Hermit across the hall, who never socializes and comes and goes so infrequently I barely recognize him as a neighbor. If I had to write a sympathy card for him based on what I know about him, it would read: “The Amazon and FedEx delivery guys will miss him dearly. Apparently he's in the Shopaholic Club."

 Until next Wednesday.  ©