Weird Fashion and Life Style Choices

Remember Pebbles, the baby of Fred and Wilma Flintstone? I think I saw her grandmother at the dentist office last week. She was wearing orange knee-highs, an orange mini skirt, a white blouse with orange dots the size of tea cups and she had a short tuft of gray hair on the top of her head that stood straight up and was tied with an orange bow as big as the bone in Pebbles’ do. At first glance I thought the circus must be in town. On second glance I had to snap my mouth shut because my jaw had dropped. Even if I didn’t hate the color orange I would have hated that outfit on sheer principle alone. It belonged on a six year old. What would possess a woman clearly over sixty-five to dress that way? She had on our state required mask, though, so she at least got that right.

Everyone who worked at the dentist’s office was wearing pink plastic gowns and pink masks. Actually they were each wearing two masks plus the plastic “bug shields” that covered their whole faces--whatever they call them. If I had to pick one of them out in a lineup I wouldn’t be able to ID the perp. I don’t think I would have been able to ID Orange Lady either if she was wearing normal clothing but she should have gotten a ticket for hurting my eyes with those neon knee socks and her Mary-Jane shoes firmly planted on the floor as she tried to kept her knees pressed tightly together so those of us sitting on the other side of the room couldn’t see her yahoo. Her skirt was so short you couldn’t help looking to see if it was playing peak-boo. 

My dentist is located in a small town 45 minutes away from where I live. Ten years ago it was listed on the Southern Poverty Law Centers’ Hate Map, but I just looked at the map again and the town has been removed. Must be the local branches of the White Nationalists and Michigan Militia had moved or died out. After one of our dental appointments my husband and I had lunch in a place near-by that had hate group posters all over the walls that we didn’t notice until after we’d placed our orders, so we made the best of it and did some seriously scary eavesdropping before we got the heck out of there. It gave us great pleasure a year later when we learned they'd gone out of business. Its owner is probably still scratching his head, trying to figure out why he didn't get any repeat business.

Close to the dentist office last week, I stumbled into a gas station that reminded me of that group of misfits at the closed-up restaurant. I’m quite sure the owners were hard core anti-maskers which means they’d also be anti-science and members of the Looking for Trouble Club. The four adults working there were not wearing masks and looked ready to tear you apart with their bare teeth if anyone dared to point out that our state just toughen up the mandated mask law to now include a $500 fine for not wearing one in public places. The law also requires businesses’ to refuse to do business with anyone not wearing a mask and if they blatantly ignore the law they can lose their license to operate. We’re already had two people killed over mask fights so it was tense standing in a line behind seven masked people waiting to pay for our purchases. Thankfully, no one challenged the workers in their ‘bull pen’ taking money for gas and making pizza that they sell by the slice. And ignorance of the new changes in the laws won’t wash either. We all got Civil Defense warnings on our phones, radios and TVs and on your phone you couldn’t use it again without clicking the message off your screen with an acknowledgement had you read it.

I get the whole “I live in a free country” argument. I get that masks are uncomfortable. I get that some people don’t like to be told what to do. What I don’t get is why people don’t comply with taking commonsense measures for the greater good of humanity. Wear a damn mask! Health experts all over the whole world say they help to keep the virus from spreading and no matter what our president says, those health experts from the other side of the world aren’t factoring in his chances of re-election into their medical advice. We wear seat belts to save lives. Window washers on high rises wear safety harnesses. Race car drives wear flame-retardant suits, and plenty of jobs requires safety helmets and gloves. We wear clothes to protect our privates from getting injured or from burning out other people’s eyeballs. And in case you’re still wondering, Orange Lady was not wearing panties under her mini skirt. ©

Wearing Masks and other Mandatory Ear Adornments

Before the pandemic April and October used to be my busiest months for yearly and bi-annual appointments for medical stuff and house and car maintenance. I liked getting it all condensed and out of the way so I wasn’t driving during winter snow storms or in the season of overheated cars and impatient drivers. With the stay-at-home orders in Michigan from March 26^th to staggered re-openings starting in June It’s been a long haul and now everyone is scrambling to get months’ worth of missed appointments back on the books. Even places that didn’t require appointments are doing so now in order to ensure social distancing. I called the eyeglass place, for example, to see if they were open and was shocked to learn I had to make an appointment a week in advance to pick out new frames.

We still have mandatory orders in place to wear masks and do our six foot social distancing when we are in public. And oh how important my ears have become to the point that I’m paranoid checking them every few minutes because I’ve discovered that taking off your mask can also send your hearing aids flying across a parking lot. Before I was able to get a haircut my ears also had to contend with a plastic headband holding my hair off my face in addition to their usual job of holding up my eyeglasses and having earrings sticking through them. It’s just too much junk coming together in one place! On the good side, I'm saving money on my Bert’s Bees Watermelon lip gloss because it hasn’t come out of my drawer much since masks became part of my wardrobe. 

I have five masks now. My first two were made by one of my Gathering Girls pals, delicate and cute floral patterns. Then I ordered two that literally came on a slow boat from China. Both have pockets for filters and one is black, the other is a black and white print. Finally my local grocery store started stocking them and I got a gray mask to match my hair and it's probably too thin to do any real good. With all those masks to choose from I still want another---one with a ventilation breathing valve which probably defends the whole purpose of wearing a mask in the first place. I’m a shallow mouth breather and I’m having trouble getting enough oxygen through any of the masks I own.

Eyelashes---I can’t find mine anymore to wear mascara and since I wear silver and black glasses with rhinestones on the bows no one looks past those to see my eyes anyway. I’ve always been obsessed, however, with my eyebrows and that obsession has been jacked up on steroids since masks became standard fare. I have one dark brown and black eyebrow and one white and brown brow and I never leave the house without painting a little color over my eyebrows to even them out. Aside from that oddity, in my teens I had a unibrow that I over plucked and am paying for now that I know the ‘rules’ for where I should have quit plucking. And have I mentioned that I have the classic thinning of the last third of my eyebrows due to my hypothyroidism? I have to pencil in an 1/8 of an inch at the center ends of my brows and fill in near the other ends or I feel naked. Eyebrows on, I'm good to go anywhere. I just wish I could wiggle them independently...learn the language of eyebrow flirting in the age of Covid-19. I just made that up but the language of eyebrows should be a thing.

I've had the prescription for new glasses for a few weeks but I was waiting until after I got my post-Covid-19 lock down haircut to pick out new frames. The frames I’m using now are nearly a decade old. The last two times I’ve needed new prescriptions I hated the frames available and I ended up getting my new prescriptions put in those old frames with the rhinestone bows. I wanted something flashy with a rainbow of colors. I still want that and if I can’t find them this time I’m going with big, horn-rimmed librarian glasses. You know the kind...the kind that hides your sexiness and when you free your hair from its ponytail and whip off your glasses guys swoon at your feet. Ya, I know, sometimes I forget I don’t have a ponytail and guys don’t swoon at the feet of septuagenarians. Who said dementia can’t be something to look forward to when you have a good imagination. And who are these goober guys in romance books who can't tell if a woman is sexy if she's wearing glasses? I'm guessing they're the sons of Clark Kent and Lois Lane?

As least I’m not as delusional as a man I saw at the grocery store this week. He was hooked up to an oxygen tank that he was pushing around in his cart. On his head was a red MAGA hat and he was wearing a t-shirt with a serpent in the middle surrounded by the words, “Don’t Tread on Me! Liberty or Death!” He was not wearing the state mandated mask and his angry resentment of his fellow shoppers who were wearing them was palatable. “Give me liberty or give me death.” He’s picking his poison and I just hope he's not spiking the punch of others like me as he invaded our six foot bubble of supposed safety. As author and columnist John Pavlovitz says, "A mask is a stupid hill to die on in America." ©

“… Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace but there is no peace.
The war is actually begun!
The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears
 the clash of resounding arms!
Our brethren are already in the field!
Why stand we here idle?
What is it that gentlemen wish?
What would they have?
 Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased
at the price of chains and slavery?
Forbid it, Almighty God!
I know not what course others may take;
 but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”

Sir Patrick Henry 1775 in his call to arms against the British.