“Not in Assisted Living (Yet): Dispatches from the Edge of Independence!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Widow's Workbook: Another Chapter Ends



For several weeks I’ve had an empty Stetson deodorant stick container sitting next to my computer monitor. It’s one of those things that if it were found there after I died it would drive the people cleaning out the house nuts. “Why keep an empty container like that?” they’d want to know. “And why keep it inside the computer wardrobe?” “What was a man’s deodorant stick even doing in the house?” “Why didn’t we notice how flaky Aunt Jean must have gotten in recent years?” Confession time. It’s a widow’s thing and a little back-story is needed to understand all the whys and wherefores involved.

My husband wore Stetson everything---cologne, deodorant, antiperspirant, after-shave, their whole product line---that part isn’t too hard to figure out. But it was getting increasingly harder to find it in the area stores so one time I bought another brand. Big mistake. You should have seen Don at bath time when I handed it to him and his aphasic, stroke damaged brain couldn’t tell me he didn’t like that brand. His vocabulary at that point in time was around twenty-five words and “don’t buy this crap anymore” wasn’t one of his working phrases, so day after day he’d throw the offending brand at his feet until I figured out what the problem was. A guy wants to smell like he wants to smell.

Rather than chase all over town to the better department stores that probably carried the Stetson and where we’d had to wear our Sunday-go-meeting-clothes just to walk in the doors, I finally started ordering Don’s Stetson online at $9.00 a stick plus shipping. I know, I know that’s a ridiculous price to pay. My husband grew up poor and later in life grew into a bit of a label snob and to make it worse he was a bulk buyer. If he needed paper towel, for example, he’d fill up the back of the Blazer with paper towel without thinking about his limitations on storage space. Formerly poor boys don’t like running out of stuff, it brings back old feelings that are better left in the past. We all have our quirks when we look close enough but his weren’t hard to miss. Recently, I found out that Wal-Mart carries Don’s brand of deodorant but it wouldn’t have mattered since we’ve boycotted that chain of stores since Ring was a pup and he’s been gone so long I don’t even remember where the old Beagle is buried.   

When I found the Stetson deodorant online and showed Don the website, he was desperately trying to tell me to order more than the two I had selected in the shopping cart window. “Okay,” I told him, “I’ll order three.” ‘No!’ was one of his working phrases and we bargained back and forth until I got him down to me ordering six deodorants instead of “ten clock ten”---translation, 10 times 10 or in other words, he wanted me to order 100! “It will all evaporate before you can use it up,” I told him, “if we order any more than six.”

Fast forward to when Don died, one of the first things I did was clean his presence out of the bathroom---tooth brush, comb, brush, disability things he needed in the shower---but when it came to his stash of unused Stetson deodorant...  well, I guess I was too cheap to throw them out and who donates that sort of thing to the Salvation Army? If you’re guessing that I’ve been using them since Don died and the empty container sitting next to the computer is the last of the lot, you’d be right. I figured no one was going to get close enough to my body to detect “the rich, masculine blend of rugged woods and spices” as promised in the Stetson advertisements, so I didn’t mind leaving my cheap brand behind to use up his high-end stuff. Now, near the end of my third year of widowhood, I get to go shopping for my own scented deodorant, something girlie. But I knew I wanted to write about this particular chapter in my “widow’s workbook” thus the container sat by my monitor as a reminder. (Like I’ve said many times in this blog, a widow’s work never seems to end.)

One time I went to an estate sale and every item there had a note attached and I understand the compulsion old people get when they want to do that. I bought a beautifully tailored but tiny pair of wool pants at that sale and in the pocket was a handwritten note that read: “My first pair of long pants, 1902.” I still have those pants and the note is still in the pocket. I’m far enough along in my campaign to stay on the right side of a competency hearing that I was sorely tempted to slap a note on that empty Stetson explaining its presence by my computer. I didn’t, but the thought was in my head. After I post about it, though, it will go in the trash. But let it be known I’m keeping the bittersweet memories that the Stetson deodorant evokes and I’ll feel good about that fact that my heirs won’t end up with a mystery to ponder should I die suddenly. ©

NOTE: If you want to read one of the very first (and, in my opinion, one of the funniest) blogs I ever wrote you can find it here...   The Shower Stall Mystery

Thursday, December 25, 2014

My Christmas Roller Coaster



I felt like I was on a roller coaster and I hadn’t even left the house in more days than an elf could count on her jingle bells. I don’t know exactly how many that is, but it’s a lot. For days leading up to Christmas I had a feeling behind my eyes like I’d been crying hard and the exhaustion that comes after a soul-reaching cry like that had settled into my bones. Only I hadn’t been crying and I didn’t even think I was sad enough to squeeze out a tear if I tried. “Queue the cameras, the widow’s going to cry. Cut! Get her an onion!”  What the heck was wrong with me? I thought maybe the mini sugar binge I was on could have caused it or maybe the bag of vinegar and sea salt kettle chips I ate and shouldn’t have mixed with my high blood pressure made me feel the way I did. I haven’t had those sorts of things in my diet for months. Maybe being naughty instead of nice had caught up with me? Then I obsessed thinking I was dying. Nope, my pulse was still strong and the dog wasn’t checking my breath the way he does sometimes when he’s wondering if it’s time to start digging my grave. (Hint: Never shut your eyes around a Schnauzer.) Having ruled dying out of the equation, I thought maybe I was going through the holiday blues and was getting too old to recognize the symptoms. In the end decided I needed to take an aspirin and call the doctor in the morning. Maybe a blood test was in order.

Queue the e-mail from my niece offering to pick me up for the Christmas Eve party at her sister’s house out in the boondocks. Mind you Google says this takes her out of her way by 68 miles round trip (she says less, who you gotta believe?) and I stressed over the decision to let her do it, or not. We had three to five inches of wet, heavy snow predicted and I had already sent a text to my youngest niece saying that my old eyes and the predicted weather was going to keep me at home. God, I felt bad about that! Family who don’t always get to attend her annual party because of work or living out of state, were going to be there this year, not to mention we have two new babies in the family to maul and plaster with affection. Not to mention that I also had the photo essay books of my mom and dad back from the printer and ready to give out. The roller coaster chucked its way up to the top by the time the noon weather forecast was over. The storm had been downgraded and I decided to accept my niece’s more than kind offer.

For the rest of the day and into the night the roller coaster got stuck at the top. How cool is that? After the noon weather report was over I threw together my marinated four bean salad and hoped it could do its job in six hours instead of the required overnight marinate. I had some Tuscan, herb infused olive oil (sun-dried tomatoes and garlic) and Sicilian Lemon infused balsamic vinegar that both cost a fortunate and I figured they would more than make up for the lack of hours. I left the half a cup of red onions out of my recipe just in case six hours wasn’t enough time to soak the rawness out of them. Maybe if I didn’t tell anyone they wouldn’t notice. It was a recipe my mother always made for parties when I was growing up and I improved with the foodie quality oil and vinegar. I hadn’t made it in a long time but a few people at the party remembered it from years ago. My niece’s mother-in-law even asked me for the recipe. I doubt anyone has ever asking ME, the inept-cook, for a recipe before.

The down-graded one to three inches of snow never materialized. Still, it was rainy and not the best driving conditions but I was happy the little kids all got cheated out of their promised white Christmas. Safe driving conditions always trumps ‘pretty’ in my book. (Screw Santa and his sleigh. He could use wheels like the rest of us.) The party was all the sweeter because I hadn’t planned on going and it was the first time since Don’s stroke in 2000 that I had a designated driver so I was able to drink all the red wine I wanted. For my brother and me, red wine is a family tradition that goes all the way back to when we were nine-ten years old and my Italian dad would give us each a shot glass full on special occasions. I had three glasses of wine on Christmas Eve, ate way too many sweets but I had the best time.

At some point in the evening the entire group, roughly 21 of us---young and old alike---divided into two teams pitting the men against the women and we played a fast-paced game. It involved shouting out the answers to clues given and it brought lots of laughter when people called out the wrong answers, either accidentally or on purpose. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed my roller coaster riding Christmas this year even if the dog did leave me a “gift” in the middle of the floor that I nearly stepped in when the ride came to an end. Jeez, Jean, you’ve got to let your four-legged kid outside once in a while, I told myself on Christmas morning. "Oops. Sorry Levi." ©

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Saving Grace of Wishes Not Granted



I live in the middle of a cul-de-sac. The end of the street that opens up to another street is lower than the other end which gives me a good view of six or seven houses downhill. From a distance I can watch kids playing in the snow, parents going off to work and people walking their dogs on the icy sidewalks. It’s like they’re all living in a snow globe, in a world I’m not part of and can never be again. That’s a false declaration but no one said logic was going to be a part of this post. I’m old and I’m allowed to take liberties with the truth. The fact is no one has me chained to my bed. I could go outside in the winter. I could walk my dog. I could even start a snowball fight with kids a fraction of my age. Sure, I’d have to ignore my osteoporosis, chance falling down and breaking a hip. But old doesn’t translate to stupid, so I stay inside in my safe little cocoon, protected from life… or rather protecting me from a life ending up in a nursing home which usually happens after an elderly woman breaks a hip.

It must be nice to have grandchildren you can use as an excuse to go outside and play. I’m quite sure if snow sculpturing had been as popular when I was young as it is now I’d have been building dragons in my front yard. If I had grandkids I could park a lawn chair in the snow and direct them on how to pack the stuff, carve out a mythical figure, dye the scales and fiery tongue and then soak it all with water to freeze the creature hard so it could greet anyone who ventured up my cul-de-sac until springs comes along. Sometimes when I look out the window and the yard is full of snow I have an overwhelming impulse to go outside and at the very least, build a snowman. I used to love winter---building snow forts with my brother, ice fishing with my dad, ice skating at our cottage, sledding with my nieces and nephew and then after I met Don, snowmobiling on the wooded trails that go on for miles here in Michigan. 

And how could I forget those two years when I was in college and I tried to like snow skiing because I had the worst crush on and was dating a guy who had a passion for the sport. Why couldn’t he have liked cross-country skiing instead? I could have stuck with that sport after we broke up. He never got married, by the way. Turns out he was an in-the-closet gay guy who was trying as hard to like girls as I was trying to like downhill skiing, a fact I didn't learn until a decade later. He’s one of the reasons why I’m so happy that gay people are freer, now, to come out of the closet and be accepted. I think about the unhappy life I could have had if I had married him, been his cover for a secret life that didn’t get exposed until half our lives were over and I’m grateful for the saving grace of wishes not granted. How many women did that happen to, Dr. Phil, back when I was young? How much did that kind of marriage destroy a woman’s self-esteem before the truth finally came out? One could view those years we dated as wasted time but in hindsight they gave me more empathy for a segment of society that could use all the empathy it can get. It’s not easy bein’ green, as Kermit the Frog likes to sing. Although the lyrics of Kermit’s song doesn’t make sense in this context but, like I wrote earlier, no one promised logic and this post would marry and live happily ever after.

I got straight A’s in logic and math classes I took in college. Who would have ever guessed that based on my high school grades? Certainly not me, the “stupid one” who couldn’t tie her shoes or tell time until I was well into grammar school. Certainly not me, the dyslexic girl who couldn’t consistently tell her right hand from left until she was old enough to get hot flashes. Certainly not me, the girl who couldn’t sound out words or spell until---well, I still can’t do those things and I’m on the dawn side of my seventies. If it wasn’t for my thirty year old Franklin Language Master 3000 I couldn’t write unless I got one of those voice recognition programs. I’d come to a word I can’t spell and it would be two days before I could figure it out without good old Franklin. He outshines Spell-Check ten times over. 

Jeez, I’ve got to end this ode to Franklin before I start plastering his plastic casing with kisses. I’ve been known to do that and he doesn’t like it. He’s a serious dude who doesn’t believe in inter-materials dating. I’m flesh and blood, he’s plastic and precision electronics and I have no logical way to end this weird (?) post, so I’ll just quit typing here.... I take that back. I could end it by promising never to take Franklin for a winter walk around my cul-de-sac, wrapping this ending back to the beginning. That’s how I was taught to write essays back in the same time frame that I learned about the saving grace of wishes not granted. And that reminds me I still have to give closure to my post's hook so here's that literary nugget: It's not always what we do in life that gives us our defining moments, sometimes it's what we don't do---the roads not traveled. ©