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| Painting by David Otto |
Just when I start believing I’ve got nothing more to say
about widowhood thoughts kick around inside my head that could shock the
panties off a nun. Why do I do that to myself? The day started out happy
enough. It was sunny and finally I was getting out of the house. Destination: the
bookstore, office supply and post office, Hobby Lobby and Culver’s. Plus I wanted
to buy a shower gift at Bed, Bath
and Beyond. Most of these places have marvelous things begging for my attention
and I was happy to give it to them. At the bookstore, for example, I spotted a
book titled Vegan Cooking for Carnivores
and for a few moments I was excited. The author is the personal chef for Ellen
DeGeneres` but for some wacko reason lacking logic I didn’t expect all the recipes
to use pretend meat. In the used book section I found a vegetarian sandwiches
book and bought that instead. Pear and goat cheese grilled sandwiches? Who
wouldn’t be fascinated by that…or dumb enough to think you’d need a cookbook to
make one? (Wait! Did I just call myself dumb?) When I got to Bed, Bath
and Beyond I found a five inch sandwich and panini griddle with a cast iron
press---perfect for my learning to cook-for-one project. Things were going great.
Near the end of my shopping trip I was eating a delicious Culver’s
butter burger and trying hard not to see the sad faced cow in my head that
donated the hamburger when it hit me how much Don used to love the “trap line”
of stores I’d just checked out. In the bookstore he’d sit in the coffee shop trolling
for cappuccino fans that might enjoy translating his aphasia language
disorder into English. I’d come back to collect him and he was never at the
table where I left him. At Culver’s his silly, wordless antics would make me laugh
and forget how much I love pastoral settings with cows grazing in the summer
sun. In April I’m going to be the same age as Don was when he died and then the
year after that I’ll be older than him. Darn it, that’s not fair!
Do you know what else isn’t fair? Gift registers.Yup, I’m on
the Debbie Downer train now and it keeps right on rolling as I wonder why widows
can’t register at Bed, Bath and Beyond for our transition from living in a
two-by-two world to living alone. The widowhood required redecorating alone can
cost a fortune! Some of the stuff young people think they need fascinates me,
though. The bride I was shopping for wanted two silicone baking mats for $25
each. I’ve had my wire cooling racks since Ring was a pup and he died in 1978.
They still sell those wire racks…right next to the silicone mats and they only cost
$9.00 a pair. From my bad mood view, you’d better be baking cookies that could
win an episode of Sweet Genius to
make $50 worth of mats make sense.
But the world doesn’t always make sense, does it. Why do we
humans keep thinking it should? We find love then lose it again and throw
ourselves more than a couple of pity parties before shoving a steel rod up our
backs and walking forward. It’s a
miracle! No more tears. Then one day some sad soul is singing about lost
love on the radio and we’re left wondering how the hell that guy got inside our
heads to flip the Good Mood switch to Melancholy. In a flash our emotions go
from holding on to reality to wishing for the past. Does it make sense that I should
enjoy a leisurely shopping trip while Don is dead? Is this my new reality---feeling
guilty for getting happily involved in retail therapy? The Debbie Downer train
needs to pull up at the station and let me off so I can quit asking these
beat-the-widow-up type questions!
One last question, though, I’ve got to ask. If there’s a heaven
or a Great Unknown as I prefer to call it, do you think the cows up there are
forgiving? I can’t help it. I enjoy a good, brown sugar and bourbon marinaded
Black Angus steak once in a while. And I’m only exploring the worlds of vegan
and vegetarian because I can’t eat a whole beef roast all by myself. Woo is me,
the widow who thinks too much. ©
The documentation of my first
year of my widowhood is now available in a book format that can be previewed
and/or ordered here.
The bit about the vegan cookbook made me chuckle. Somewhere I still have the first vegetarian cookbook I bought, called something like "Meatless Meals." I bought it through a cookbook club, so I hadn't actually looked at it -- which turned out to be a mistake because the cookbook was all about fixing fake meat. I don't think I ever cooked a single recipe from that cookbook; I just don't get the aesthetic (or epicurean) appeal of fake meat. On the other hand, the sandwich and panini griddle sounds like something that could improve the quality of my life :-). -Jean
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment! I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't get the 'fake meat' thing. Since writing this post I have used the little griddle twice and really loved it...a great addition to my kitchen for only $10.00. It cleans up in a breeze and is just the right size for one sandwich.
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