Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Mary Sunshine versus Gloomy Eeyore


In the same week my book club handed out our March read, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks---a story involving a woman who died of cervical cancer---one of my Gathering Girls pals announced that she has stage one cervical cancer. That announcement came within days of me reading, “Doctors examined her inside and out, pressing on her stomach, inserting new catheters into her bladder, fingers into her vagina and anus, needles into her veins.” How's that for dark-side serendipity? In my friend’s case her lady parts had been removed a month prior but at the time she was being vague about the reason for the hysterectomy and dumb me, cancer never entered my mind. It wasn’t until she’d had the first of six chemo infusions that she was ready to talk about the “C” word to anyone. She had to process the information herself first, she said. 

Other than my dad who died of lung cancer in 1999, I’ve never known a single person with cancer and over the seven months between his diagnosis and his death, Dad often doubted that he actually had it. He choose not to get any treatments and other than being on oxygen his life didn’t change much over those months except my brother and I set up a share-care schedule to give him a lot more oversight and help around his house. My friend’s son and daughter have also stepped up to the plate to give her the kind of support that anyone in that situation couldn’t help but be grateful for and proud to get. Or maybe mothers just expect that kind of pay-back as their due and why not. I’ve never been a mother but I’ve seen enough of them in action to know how much time and energy goes into raising good kids. 

All of my Gathering Girls pals have kids and all but one of them lost their husband’s when their kids were young and they never remarried. The ‘but one’ lost her second life-partner last year but he'd been living in a nursing home a long time. Sadly, I doubt our little social group will still be around in five years. One lady is diabetic and does dialysis at home, another has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, a third has been known to pass out for reasons the doctors can’t pin-point, one lives with chronic back pain and, of course, there’s our newly anointed cancer patient. I’m one of the two left, and neither of us has serious medical issues going on. But at our ages, we’re only a fall away from a broken hip and ending up in a nursing home like a woman I asked about recently who was absent from the monthly lecture series. (Her kids sold her condo so she can't go back and she was such an active, vibrant woman.) Egads, I'm doing it again! I'm borrowing trouble from the future, but I do wonder if I'm doomed to wander the earth looking for new friends like Eeyore looking for his lost tail. Am I going to be that person who hangs around the lobby of a senior-care facility with an invisible sign around my neck that reads: Will you be my friend?

On the other hand, I love how Winnie-the-Pooh tells Eeyore, “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” It’s basically the same thing Ann Landers told me when I wrote to her advice column back in my twenties when I thought I’d never meet my forever-guy. I could probably find her letter to quote accurately if I bothered to look in my old diaries but as near as I can remember she said, “Get out and do things you enjoy doing and it will happen.” So I signed up for every leisure time class I could find and I joined a bowling league. The rest is history. And then a few years ago my forever-guy died and I was off again, looking for friends. This time down at the senior hall and the Gathering Girls group was born. Like Eeyore rebuilding his house in the forest that keeps getting knocked down, we have to keep rebuilding our social circles. It never stops. I wish I could see that in a sunshiny way but I can't.

Eeyore’s Poem (by A.A. Milne)

Christopher Robin is going.
At least I think he is.
Where?
Nobody knows.
But he is going –
I mean he goes
(To rhyme with “knows”)
Do we care?
(To rhyme with “where”)
We do
Very much.

Christopher Robin was presumably going off to school but the lesson in the story could apply to any loss of friendship or love. Back when I first set up this blog I found that lesson in the Winnie-the-Pooh quote that is at the top of this page: “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Little Miss. Mary Sunshine couldn’t have said it any better. But today it’s raining in my Eeyore-like world. Processing the “C” word---even in others you care about---can do that to you. ©

34 comments:

  1. My dad died from colon C. He would never go to a doctor until it was yo late. My grandfather & uncle both had prostrate C but lucky my uncle lived a long life up to 89. Me, I'm not sure what's for me. I'm waiting for my PSA test and I have a colonoscopy coming up so we'll see.
    At 27 after my stroke, I thought tat was it for me but God had a reason to hang around longer. Now that I'm near 70, I'm worrying that I might be nearing because my body is breaking down. I never thought about it especially when I'm on my cruise. Life is so great when I'm on the water. But when I come back home, everything comes back to normal. After reading your blog this morning and all of your friends, I begin to see what is really there.
    I guess I'm just down this morning. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow morning. See ya Jean.

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    1. Jeez, I just realized I forgot that my brother has prostrate cancer! In my defense, men these days live such a long time with that type of cancer that it's easier to overlook.

      I hope I didn't bring you down...that's a danger in writing about the negatives that come along in my life from time to time. I think you and I are a lot of alike when it comes to being able to pull ourselves back up when we get down. We look towards and expect tomorrow or the next day to be better. And it usually is.

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    2. I do agree with you Jean. I think that for many things, you and I are alike. In't that amazing.
      As I sit here writing this comment, there is a very bright sun shining out of my window and I feel so great this morning. When I do get down, I seem to get up right away and this sun is helping me. Have a great day my wonderful friend. See ya.

      Cruisin Paul

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  2. Oh my this saddened me.
    You can't be that much older than me but I do understand all those feelings. I don't have friends that are widows yet but friends are dying. When that began it was like a big punch in the gut and the realization oh my God I am old, I'm next in line.
    I try to bury it but it rears its head. I want to stay in the positive but I admit I don't always.
    On another note, I have known too many with cancer. I always find it interesting how each one processed it differently. As your friend did one didn't share for a long time until she felt she could do so. Another screamed it to the world. When things like that happen I always wonder what I would do. I think until it happens to you, you never really know for certain do we? I hope to never find out for certain.

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    1. When I read your blog it often makes me feel warm and fuzzy because the kind of banner and relationship you and Rick have I had with Don. That "how lucky I was..." mind-set brightens my day when your posts remind me of my past. But we're told we shouldn't live in the past and that kind of ticks me off. LOL It's so much nicer there than the future after you get to a certain age. And living in the present can be boring in the winter in the snow belt.

      I hope I never have to find out either, how I'd process cancer. I just don't believe it will happen to me so I'd be in denial, I'm sure. Then I'd probably start writing because that's how I handle most things.

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    2. oh I love that it reminds you of Don and all the great memories you have. You were a lucky gal. I hope spring comes soon for you because I think you need a dose of sunshine and rainbows for a while. Or come for a visit. :-)

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    3. Ya, it's pretty dreary here with our endless winter.

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  3. This has always brought me comfort - "I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. - Lindberg" A line in Garth Brooks' song, The Dance, comes to mind - I could have missed the pain but I'd have missed the dance.

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    1. Thanks for sharing that Lindberg quote, Mona! That last line in the quote is SO true and can be a road map to supporting our friends!

      I've always loved that Garth Brooks line. We have to find the balance to our pain and losses in life.

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  4. I always loved Eeyore. He was a necessary balance to all the sweetness and light and Preciousness of the Pooh world. Kids need to know that those emotions are okay and real, too, and so do blog readers. And writers.

    I think we're all like Walt Whitman's "Noiseless Patient Spider." It's a very basic, elementally human thing, wanting to connect.

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    1. In recent years I've really come to appreciate the author's of children's books and people like Mr. Rogers. Some day I should ask my oldest niece for her five top children's books that I should read. She taught reading for a lot of years after teaching special ed. kids for 20+ years. She knows children's literature. You are right about Eeyore, he's an important character.

      So now I'm off to find the "Noiseless Patient Spider." I've never heard of it before.

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  5. It is sad when our groups start diminishing and somehow it is hard to bring in new ones as we lose members due to illness. My favorite group is my Cancer support group so as you can guess, I have had a lot of interaction with the Big C.

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    1. I've been thinking about that...bringing new people into our group but the seven us fit around a table so well in restaurants. When (if) we got bigger then people would start breaking into little groups who talk to their neighbors but there is no central discussion. Us playing off each others humor is what makes our group fun.

      I used to be in groups focused around strokes and speech but I was happy to leave them behind once my husband was gone, close that chapter in my life. But it's different when you are the 'sick one' at groups like that. I'm glad your group gives you what you need.

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  6. I think we all have Eeyore days and Little Miss Sunshine days. Or weeks. Or years. Even though your blog might seem "down" to readers, I appreciate hearing the good, the bad and the ugly! No filters, please! I started blogging after Mr. Ralph died (much thanks to you, I must say!). Blogging really helped me through. Usually no one dies of prostate cancer ... except for Mr. Ralph. Not fair. But I'm pretty sure I will NOT do chemo or radiation unless I have a 90% chance of being 100% again. The cures are what killed him. With all the little indignities that came long with them.

    I like the idea of smaller groups as well, for the exact same reasons. You should be very proud of yourself for starting the Gathering Girls!

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    1. I didn't actually start the G.G. group. We evolved out of 'class' down at the senior hall. Once we decided to meet more often outside the hall, I took it upon myself to send out email reminders to keep us all on the same page with where and when. We're two years in come spring. One of the ladies reads my blog from time to time so I needed to clear that up.

      I've heard that about cancer, too. They still have a lot to learn about this disease.

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  7. Sorry to hear about the gal in your group. Finding and making new friends seems more necessary as we get older for so many reasons.

    I’ve found life to consist of up and down periods, so when I get droopy I remind myself “This too shall pass.” Sometimes it takes longer to pass than others. We do have to find ways to get ourselves out of the doldrums sometimes. I did that sometimes after my husband died when I wanted to be alone but with people I didn’t know with whom I might not even need or want to converse. Seemed kinda strange to me when I thought about it, but gave me some comfort which I still enjoy doing some today.

    We do have more and more people depart from our life as the consequence of our continuing to live. Opportunities to meet new people to form new friendships can be challenging. Fortunate are those who have family members living within visiting distance who can offer company and some assistance. So much in our lives we take for granted that can dwindle in our older years.

    FWIW I think the respiratory medical problem you mentioned is COPD — Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease — but when you only hear the spoken words for some of these medical terms they can sometimes sound different.

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    1. You're right on the COPD. I corrected it above. I'm terrible with medical terms. Thanks.

      It's a paradox about making a lot of friends because the more friends we have the more we have to watch fail and die. I was thinking of the senior hall director recently who has an amazing ability to greet everyone by name...hundreds of people...and she hears about everyone's death and move to care facilities. She's in her forties.

      We do take a lot for granted in our lives until something reminds us that we're not going to be around forever. For me, it takes me a few days to get back on the sunny side of life, as they say.

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  8. I know this post is a little sad, but I'm always glad when I find someone who is writing about the truth of aging. These are the things we face at this stage of life and sharing is good. We lost so many friends in 2018. It was breathtaking.
    That Winnie sure gave Eeyore good advice, and oh, how you followed that advice when you struck out on your own in search of new friends.

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    1. I did, didn't I. I had a battle plan for finding friends and it worked both when I found Don and when I found the Gathering Girls. But I'm a home body by nature and if I could I'd stay in my corner of the forest.

      I do think, as a blogger, I need to write what I'm actually going through at an given time.

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  9. Pooh was right. So was one of my mentors who said, "As you age, make young friends." I'm seeing more people in my peer group or slightly older begin to fail, some suddenly, and it reminds me how fleeting life can be and to grab the golden ring while we can.

    Thanks for coming over to my place! Loved your comments, especially about the Littles on the sofa!

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    1. That's good advice but for the life of me I can't figure out how you make friends with young people. For people with families where you can help them with child care and parent respites, friendships form. Doesn't work when family is long distance.

      You are the best example of "grabbing the golden ring while you can" of any of my blogger friends. I so admire your enthusiasm and energy.

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  10. Feeling loss, grief, fear.... all of these emotions are so strong and so human and real. I want to banish them, then realize the totality of life MUST include them and so we endure and try to be mindful of the bright spots when they appear. I am sorry for your friends who are struggling with health issues, for you who struggles to find lasting friendship, for all of us who love and lose and go on anyway because we are not finished learning our lessons, not finished loving, not finished discovering.

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    1. We all do what we have to do, don't we, to look for the bright spots and endure the dark.

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  11. I admire your dad for not taking the treatment for his lung cancer. He probably had a better quality of life and the outcome would have been about the same. There has been a lot of cancer in my family (including lung), and I have seen the ravages and suffering caused by chemo. So I understand why people would forgo it in cases where chance of cure or remission are low.

    I think we should all take a moment to think about how we want to tackle a medical condition or disease with respect to what quality of life is acceptable to us, before getting that diagnosis. Hopefully we never get a diagnosis, but chances are the longer we live, the higher the probability that something will "get" us.

    And, also unfortunately, one of the side effects of a long life is watching your friends and family go before you...not quite there yet, but I already wish I was back in the days when all my friends/family were getting married and having babies, instead!

    Deb

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    1. My dad did make the right choice and his doctor made sure both my brother and I understood his choice and supported it as such. It took the focus off getting treatments and put the focus on giving Dad quality time and some of my best memories of Dad came with that time spent together. Bittersweet at times but sweet none the less.

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  12. Making friends with younger people is getting tougher and tougher, particularly since many of the young people I know are living a life so far removed from mine that it can be as breathtaking as watching the old ones depart. On the other hand, I'm lucky to be the "younger person" to some of my friends. When I went up to Kerrville last weekend, I went out botanizing with a dear friend who's 87, and still living on her own out in the country. Granted, she has a daughter and SIL just down the hill, and has friends who can take her to the doctor and such, but still -- her biggest problem right now is that a painful shoulder is keeping her from doing the weeding in her garden. We should be so lucky!

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    1. Younger people all have their heads buried in their cell phones and it's harder to start a conversation with one, much less get to know them. I say this every spring but I'm going to spend more time talking with my neighbors this summer. I've got some nice kids in their 30s) living near by.

      Does "botanizing" mean you go out in the woods to look for plants? If so, that would be fun. I did that once when the state was trying to do a count of a rare wild flower. We actually found a couple.

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    2. Yep. Birders bird, and flower and plant lovers botanize. It's wonderful fun.

      By the way, I tried again to comment via my ipad on your jello post, where I'd left a note that the comment wouldn't take, and it apparently didn't go through again. I need to figure that out. I tried using my name/URL, but that turned me into "anonymous", which wasn't good. When you post next time, I'll try the iPad first, and see if I can work it out.

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    3. Is it just on my blog or others using the Blogger platform? I wish I could help and I wish the computer world would quit changing things around!

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  13. Jean :

    I so enjoy reading your blogs I feel I learned something new which enriched my life for better. I think looking for friends is universal fir every one. I do have great family but I am always looking for girlfriends I had in my college days, I am so sorry about your girlfriend being diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer, though this is disease which is so easy to diagnose &if caught early is very easy to treat. your dad was very wise man & raised his children well.
    Asha

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  14. I always enjoy it when you comment, old friend. Plus any comment that mentions my dad gets extra browning points. LOL He was truly special.

    I did not know that about cervical cancer. It always seemed like one of the scarier ones to me, probably because of the embarrassing place they have to look for it. My friend's son goes with her to appointments and I asked her if that was embarrassing and she said "no" because her doctor and son talk in very clinical terms.

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  15. When I was diagnosed 20 years ago with Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer, I told all my friends before the surgery that I didn't want any visitors at the hospital until the second day because I wanted a day to process any bad news on my own. It was on that second day that my gynecological oncologist told me that having cancer was "a great opportunity" to figure out what was important to me and to set my own priorities. Some patients probably wouldn't be happy about being told their cancer was an opportunity, but it turned out he was right. Dealing with cancer ended up making me a calmer and happier person.

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  16. Twenty years ago!!!!!!! I didn't think people lived with ovarian cancer more than a year or two. That's makes me happy to hear. Thanks for sharing that. What you're saying about dealing with cancer making you a calmer and happier person, makes sense.

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