Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

From Sinful Pleasures to Stubborn Streaks


My most sinful pleasures in life have always been simple. A good piece of dark chocolate, a medium rare steak, a summer afternoon spent at an art-in-the-park show, an occasional day trip along Lake Michigan with the t-tops down on our classic '78 Corvette that wasn't a classic when we had it. It was just old back then. Now that I'm on a fixed income I have to think about where I'm at on my monthly budget before I can indulge in a gooey chocolate dessert or a steak. The Vet is long gone and even if I still had it, it was built too low to the ground for me to get my old bag of bones into it now. And I haven't been to an art-in-the-park show since Ring was a pup.

I’ve never had a dog named Ring but that phrase was a favorite of my husband’s to denote that something happened a long time ago. Don didn’t have a dog named Ring either. He picked the phrase up from his dad who got it from Don’s grandfather who---family folklore claimed---actually did have a dog named Ring that resided in the back pasture with a rock rolled over the grave to keep wild animals from digging up his childhood dog. I love family verbiage like this and wish I had another generation to pass it down to. A few years ago, out of curiosity I googled 'since Ring was a pup.' (Or maybe it was suspicion that made me want to fact-check three generations of males who were all gifted storytellers.) I found ten listings for the phrase, three of which were links to my own blog entries, four to other people’s blogs and three appeared in newspapers dated 1911, 1914 and 1922. I wish I could break that little tidbit to my husband! He would have laughed and loved to have one of his grandfather’s tall tales get exposed after so many years of blind faith in its accuracy. 

Digging even deeper in the google weeds today I learned that the 'since ring was a pup' phrase was derived from another phrase widely used in the 1860s---'As Dead as Hector.' According to the Historically Speaking website, 'As Dead as Hector' "was a reference to Hector, the son of King Priam of Troy...and one of the chief participants in the tale of the siege of Troy by the Greeks in Homer’s epic The Iliad.  King Priam, as we all know," the website wrote, "was killed in single combat by the Greek champion Achilles." Maybe you, dear blog readers, know the storyline of the The Iliad  but it's all Greek to me. I could go on like this all day drifting from one idiom to another. But I'll bet half of you already know that the phrase 'it's all Greek to me' was coined by one of the conspirators who assassinated Julius Caesar. <end of history lesson> But first I've gotta predict that Taylor Swift's lyric line 'just shake it off' will probably still be in use hundreds of years from now.

Yesterday I spent the entire day in my nightgown writing. It felt good and decadent and I produced a book report for book club, a poem, two writing prompt assignments for my creative writing group and a blog post. The latter of which disappeared into the jaws of my writing app never to be seen again. So here I am trying to reconstruct it and not doing a very good job of it. In that post I was mourning something that hasn't happened yet and may never happen but I've always been good at borrowing trouble from the future. I was poking fun of this foible of mine regarding if and when I get moved into Assisted Living or Memory Care and I won't be allowed to hang around in my nightgown all day long. The powers that be in geriatric care assume an old person is depressed if the don't care about getting dressed. Down in those buildings they wake you and and help you get dressed by 8:00 when breakfast is served and because it's the morning shifts duty to see if anyone died in their sleep.

Recently, in one of our morning emails here in Independent Living we got word that a woman who used to live in my building but was moved to Memory Care four months ago died in her sleep. We'd just been talking about her the night before and the general consensus was she had adjusted remarkably well and seemed to be happy and content with the extra layer of care. She had a room across the hall from where my brother was when he was still alive so I saw the change in her firsthand. She no longer had a panicked look on her face, no longer looked lost and afraid.

Change of topic: I downloaded a new audible book to listen to on the recommendation of Bill Gates titled How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Seen by David Brooks. (And that should tell you volumes about what I see as a character flaw that I can may be improve on before I die.) I like to listen to books while I'm getting ready to face the outside world. But usually it's a book we've picked for our book club. This coming month we're supposed to read Just like that by Gary Schmidt, a book written for ages 9 through 12 by a professor at a near-by faith-based college and is a friend of our retired art professor. I have a stubborn streak and I refuse to buy a children's book for book club---we usually get them free from the library. I'll probably be sorry I'm sitting this month out because Ms Art Professor is going to get the author to come to our discussion. We won't be discussing the book until July so I have time to change my mind. I've been known to do that from time to time.

Speaking of book club, in case you're wondering why I wrote a book report for the club: One day a year we pick a year's worth of books to reserve. The popular books in the Book Club in a Bag program get reserved very far ahead. This year we're asking everyone to review a favorite book to campaign for it to be added to our reading list so we don't get one or two people's choices dominating the list---that's how we got the children's book. I'm campaigning for You Before Me by JoJo Moyes which on the surface is a little too chick-flickest for this group to pick but is actually a good segue into a discussion of assisted suicide.

Until next Wednesday. ©

"I live in my own little word, but it's okay…they know me here."

quoted from a beverage coaster

35 comments:

  1. Wow, you've been busy! I would hate to have to be up and dressed by 8. I don't care about how dressed I am, and I'm definitely not depressed. I just have too many things to play with.
    ---Cheerful Monk

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    1. Me too, and I like being physically comfortable while playing.

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  2. I cannot tell you how many times I'd love to spend the entire day in my jammies. My ancient Catholic Guilt kicks in, however, and I wind up getting dressed and putting on my face at some point even if I never leave the house. Rick has told me countless times he endorses a Jammies Day for me, but I can't get past the feeling that I'm doing something terrible and ridiculous. It's absurd.

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    1. Where I used to live I had nightgowns to sleep in and day time jammies for day time. Here, my jammies are all in a box under the bed. I do manage to comb my hair and splash cold water on my face. Guilt and shame doesn't nag me often regarding lounging away my time. It saves on laundry. hehehehe

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  3. My parents used to say "since Hector was a pup." Seems like a mashup of two of your references. ha!

    It would be challenging for me to live somewhere that required being dressed before breakfast -- much less 8am. Most days that just doesn't happen here. I applaud your pajama day -- I think my record for getting dressed is 2pm unless I'm sick, but that's one of the joys of being retired with few obligations.

    How are you liking the David Brooks book? I've followed him for years and saw him live at Hope College when he was on book tour a couple years back. His evolution has been interesting to watch.

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    1. I love that your parents said 'when Hector was a pup'. Quite the mashup from man to dog but also not that uncommon in the 1910/'20s era. I'll bet they picked it up from their parents.

      I'm on chapter 11 in David's book and I'm liking it. A lot and I plan to read/listen to it again. I used one of his techniques at dinner last night to show empathy and it worked! It gave our whole table a twenty-five minute conversation that supported and lifted a woman who was tired from taking her wheelchair bound husband to the dentist. It was a fun experiment for me to see cause and effect so quickly. But then I'd been in that situation and knew there was a whole lot more underneath the words "I took my husband to the dentist today." The woman thanked me personally afterward for giving her an opportunity to vent.

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    2. That's so encouraging. I'll have to check that book out. I do like his writing on "people topics" -- and sometimes his politics as he's moved toward the left from the far right.

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    3. Bill Gates says he's worried about how people have lost the ability to be empathic and talk to each other and he thinks this book can help bring back what we've lost with the Trump era of division. My next blog is about how I used one of his techniques at dinner.

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  4. I like to read a lot. I can justify the time spent sitting and reading as being good for my brain and helping to keep me sharp (hopefully)!

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    1. Reading is a very common activity around here. Book talk at meals and loaning books back and forth to is too.

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  5. I would take Issue with being Woke early after I no longer have Kids to Raise and get to School. *LOL* And, of having someone else dress me and presume what I should look like, having Earned the Right to express myself even if it's tooling about in my Jammies. *Winks* If you only saw the mismatched Jammie Pants and Tops I'm renown for and how my Dreads look when I haven't bothered with taming them, you'd think I already needed Placement in a 'Home'. *Bwahahahaha* I'm glad the Resident who Died had a Peace about her countenance there at the End.

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    1. I think the key to having someone else pick what you wear each day is to have your family curator what they put in the closet when you move in, so that no matter what an aid lays out for you to wear you like it. I keep telling myself I need to curate my closet for the reason but that falls into the category of worrying about the future and I'm trying to break that habit. I'm hoping by the time we/I need that kind of help we will accept that certain things have to be done at certain times to fit the worker's shift.

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    2. True that, I know when Mom was in a Nursing Home and Hospice, the Staff did a commendable job of allowing her Essence to still Shine thru in the way she dressed and what she preferred to look like. A lot of it she could no longer do for herself and fortunately she was well Cared for in both places, here, where I found temporary Placement, and in Cali, where my Brother found permanent Long Term Care until she passed.

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  6. Really liked this post Jean. I miss our conversations with the Gathering Girls.
    BL

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    1. We had the best conversations, didn't we. I miss that those days.

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  7. I think one of the best things about being older is the freedom to totter around in your nightgown and do whatever you want to do--or do nothing at all. Some days I'm almost ashamed that the hours fly by and I have nothing to show for them. (I get over my guilt in a hurry, tho ).

    On a serious note, though, when you talked about the woman who had been moved from your building to Memory Care, your words went straight to my heart: "She no longer had a panicked look on her face, no longer looked lost and afraid." I have a friend who is facing many life changes. While her husband was still living, he was able to take care of her (she has mobility limitations). After he passed, her kids helped a bit, but now she must face the reality that she might never be able to live independently, again. How wonderful to read your words about getting past the panic and fear. That's my hope for my friend. Thank you, Jean!

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    1. People react differently to going in Memory Care and Assisted Living. I'm hoping knowing the exact buildings and management staff I'll end up with will help with the fear of the transition.

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  8. That's a good idea about the book report and the library. Makes sense. I'd go to book club even if you don't read it. You don't have to comment, just enjoy. My dad had a fistful of fun expressions that I'm not sure if he invented or heard elsewhere. I wish I'd written them down -- I can't remember most of them, just the memories of laughing.

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    1. We encourage each other to go to the discussions even if we haven't read or finished the book. You never know...lots of times we end up talking bout life experiences more than the actual plot of the book.

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  9. After my stroke, before we moved into our current, ADA-compliant home, my husband picked out my clothes for me, because I couldn't get into my bedroom in my wheelchair, I had to use my hemi walker (I was immensely proud when I graduated to my quad cane a few years ago, but I digress). And I just couldn't carry anything because my only hand was for the walker. When we moved in here, the first thing I did was make sure I could do everything from my wheelchair, and choosing my own clothes was the first thing I checked. My husband was delighted that I could lay out my own clothes every night, and he didn't have to make any decisions for me, but not half as delighted as I was. It made me feel like a grown-up again, and I needed that.

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  10. My husband could pick out his own clothes too from his wheelchair. It IS a big deal for both spouses. I love ADA complaint homes and don't understand why more people don't build that way. No one would have known ours was except for the bars in the bathroom.

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  11. I always grin at the phrase 'sinful pleasures.' I know it's meant to communicate something like "I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm going to any way." That said, none of the greatest pleasures of my life would qualify as sinful. At least, I don't think so.

    Your mention of 'since Ring was a pup' reminded me of the southern expression 'ring-tailed tooter.' It refers to someone who's feisty, mischievous, exceptionally skilled -- a lot of different things, but all positive. Of course, I'd never seen a ring-tailed cat until I got to Texas. The fact that they're members of the raccoon family probably makes the use of their name to designate smart, mischievous people absolutely on target.

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    1. I've heard of 'ring-tailed' cats but never tooters and I assumed they meant raccoons. I'm shocked that they are a different animal, but seeing their a photo just know I can see why they are mostly related to raccoons. Love learning new things from you (and your blog).

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  12. I so enjoy these types of posts! When you mentioned daytime pajamas all I could think of was vintage lounging pajamas and down the rabbit hole I went. You might like this https://thevintagewomanmagazine.com/pajama-fashion/#:~:text=Printed%2C%20sleepwear%2Dinspired%20styles%2C,for%20beachgoers%20in%20the%201920s.

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    1. What a fascinating article! I did I not know about that fashion trend. You could easily wear any of those pajamas today, out in public. It must have been short-lived trend or confined to certain regions of the country.

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    2. Probably just certain an economic group but I remembered seeing fancy lounge pajamas in old movies so looked it up. Probably not a thing in the Midwest where I happened to grow up but also before my time. There is the current fast fashion trend of “nap dresses” so I think you should just relabel your nightgown 😁

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  13. You have been busier the me but that doesn't take much, I like to get up have a wash and get dressed for the day, I have never been one to stay in my nightie all day like my mum use to do.

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    1. I really hate having to jump out of bed and get ready for the day. I will get up an hour earlier just so I can wake up gradually.

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  14. Somehow, in my family, the two sayings you explored got conflated into "When Hector was a pup." Interesting!

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    1. You are not alone, someone else (above) commented the same thing.

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  15. Jean, THANK YOU. You saved us about 2k. We unplugged the dishwasher and that did the trick!
    As for staying in your nightgown all day. I've done that a couple times since retiring. I think its the best part of being retired. It's such a luxury to me. I'm not depressed, in fact it make me giddy and a wee bit guilty. Like I got away with something. Crazy right?

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    1. The unplugging trick works with a lot of modern appliances but it's SO hard to remember. It's basically like the old reset buttons only for the mother boards.

      Staying in my night gown never depresses me either. Learned it at my mother's knee.

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  16. I feel so fabulous when I stay in my pjs all day - like I am skipping school. That was a highlight of Covid. No one came to visit. I have too many people in and out of this house to be comfy in my pjs all day.

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    1. Staying home, we saved a lot of laundry during covid, didn't we.

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