I am going to start living in an alternate universe of my
own making. Yup, screw the fact that nuclear annihilation is a real possibility and that my schnauzer would make a better statesman than some of those running the world. Screw the fact that sexual predators are coming out of the woodwork and that some people are using the story of the Virgin Mary and Joseph in an attempt to normalize pedophilia. I’m designating my worrying
time, my advocacy time, my resistance time and my time to help save the world to
the weekends and during the week I’m going to play hooky from reality. No more
going to the grocery store, for example, and peering into my cart to discover that it looks
like I’m stocking a new-age ark. Two bags of ethically sourced coffee, two cartons of
Liberte` organic yogurt, two boxes of bio-degradable trash bags and how did those two bars of Endangered Species Dark Chocolate get into
my cart? I can’t even shop without trying to save the world!
And can we all agree that I’m not in charge of other people’s conscience? Like at
the grocery store when a guy in his thirties and I were both putting groceries
in our vehicles---mine in environmentally friendly cloth bags, his in plastic.
When it came time to walk our carts to the cart corral he watched me go and I
could see the electrodes in his brain firing back and forth, one side telling
him he should follow my lead and the other side was telling him, “Screw doing the right thing!” He took his empty cart and parked
it on the other side of his truck where it was temporarily out of my sight.
Until he drove away. That was funny all by itself, but it was even funnier when paired with the fact that I had
debated with myself about taking a thirty foot detour and offering to take his
cart along with mine but the selfish side of my brain spoke up and said: I’m more than twice his age. He should be
offering to take my cart! Gosh, was that the start of my alternate universe
where every man is out for himself? It was Friday so I was okay. In my new universe I only have to care about being nice and socially responsible on the
weekends.
Speaking of grocery stores---again---my favorite one spent
the entire summer remodeling. They got new flooring, shelving, lighting, bathrooms,
checkout stands and carts plus freshly painted ceilings and walls and they moved
entire departments clear to the other side of their store. The parking lot
covers 10 acres and it had 25+ semi-trailers lined up for the work crews.
Shopping in that 250,000 square foot store during construction was like going on a scavenger hunt. But every month they sent me coupons for free stuff
that I usually buy in the brands I like so it was like getting paid ten bucks a
week to continue shopping there. The biggest change is they nearly doubled the beer
and wine department. It was already pretty big so what does that say about our
society? It says they quit stocking Hershey’s syrup in cans and other old
school stuff to make room for people to have more choices for getting drunk! I’m
in mourning over that. I have a can in the refrigerator and when it’s empty I’m
washing it out and keeping it. Hershey syrup in cans have been in my life since
I was born so I’m hoarding that last can for my nieces to throw out when I die.
I’ve also been trying to buy d-CON to feed the mice who like to
winter over in my basement. The shelf at the grocery store where it’s supposed
to be was empty three weeks in a row. I went to Lowe’s and found the same thing
there. Time to order it from Amazon, I
thought. Wrong. Every Amazon.com vendor,
in every size bag of d-CON I tried to buy, said they were temporary out of
stock. Mice are going to rule the world! What’s going on? Google had the
answer: “The 12 d-CON products being canceled do not meet EPA’s current safety
standards. All 12 of the products are sold without a protective bait station.
Bait stations are required for consumer products to protect children and pets
from contact with bait pellets.” Oh. My. God! I need to find a black market
source for outlawed d-CON! I refuse to use those sticky, mouse
pad thingies. They look like cruel and unusual punishment for just wanting to live in a nice house. And the spring-style traps? In my
neighborhood the mice have figured out how to out-smart them.
After my unsuccessful trip to Amazon I went to a mama/papa hardware
store known for still having stock on their shelves from the last century and I
bought the last bag of off-brand mice blocks they had. I felt sleazy, like I
should have been wearing dark glasses to fool the satellite imaging that was
no doubt tracking my illegal purchase. But I was doing it during the week,
keeping my commitment to myself to only try to save the world on the weekends. So
all is well and good in my new alternate universe. Hey, I wonder if that hardware
store has any cans of Hershey’s syrup! ©
