Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Saturday, October 22, 2022

The Move-in and my Personal Woe-is-me Day

I woke up at 4:30 and couldn’t fall back to sleep so at 5:30 I got up, had some cocoa and here I sit in front of the computer screen. I was not surprised. I went into my bedroom last night around 9:00, selected a Netflix movie and promptly fell into a deep sleep by 9:18 (according to my sleep app) until the ending credits when I woke up long enough to turn off the TV set. My usual pattern is to watch a movie until around 11:00 then take two Melatonin gummies and turn the TV off at midnight. It had been a long, busy couple of days for the mind and body. My two nieces were in town setting up their father’s room in the Memory Care building on campus and I was there for awhile and they were here for awhile. I also played Siamese Mahjong with my instructor, the first time we’d attempted it and we were both on our phones reading directions. How did we ever live without our palm sized libraries of knowledge at our fingertips? Two of our regular players were gone---one at her husband’s death bed in our hospice building and the other on a color tour, thus the need to learn to play Mahjong with just the two of us. I’m sure we both generated a bunch of new brain cells while we played a game that is complicated enough with four of us at the table. We were essentially each playing for two. I love that game. Mahjong is full of crazy rules, and is a combination of skill and luck to win.

At dinner I ate with four others and we made arrangements to make it a standing Wednesday night date. I’m dubbing us the Secret Society of Liberal Ladies. We talked freely about the upcoming midterms and who to vote for or not. We talked about the Proposals on the ballot including women’s reproductive issues. We cannot believe after 50 years of living under Roe vs Wade that we’ve come to this. Here in Michigan we even have a Trump backed state senate candidate who once started a think tank called the “Society for the Critique of Feminism” where he put forth the argument that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote or work outside the home, a real Handmaid’s Tale kind of guy’s utopia. Now he’s claiming it was satire but how can voters trust a guy who licks Trump’s boots down to the stitches and seams? 

I’ve never been inside our Memory Care building---been to several outdoor events---and my brother's room is very nice. It’s been newly remodeled with fresh paint, new fixtures in the bathroom, new carpeting and brand new furniture, all in a what I’d call a winter wheat color. But it’s a thirty year old building with narrow halls and a layout I can’t figure out yet. They are remodeling the whole place, including tearing down a wall between two lake view common rooms and that will be entertaining for my brother to watch. He’ll want to help. I told our maintenance man who was there doing last minute stuff in my brother’s room that he’d better keep an eye on his tools when Jerry is around. He likes to take things apart and can’t put them back together again---his latest was the furnace. 

It's both sad and otherwise, watching my brother get moved from living in a big house to a single room with a bath, bringing in just clothing, some wall decor, a candy dish, a few place mats and throw pillows. I couldn’t help thinking someday I could be moving in across the hall way and my life would boil down to a handful of possessions. What would I want on my walls, on my lounge chair? God, I’ve always been a long-range planner but do I really need to make a list in my head of what I want my nieces to grab from my current apartment when/if I get moved on down the road? Apparently I do/and did.

I’m having a ‘Be Sorry For Myself day’. Taking a shower one-handed was tougher this time compared to the first hand surgery because of the way my shower stall is set up and putting on my socks made me want to cry for all the times my husband struggled doing it one-handed over the twelve and half years after his stroke. When I had my other surgery it was summer time and I didn’t have to put on socks. I helped my husband if we were in a hurry or he got particularly frustrated but most of the time he did it himself and I’m going to break my computer screen if I don’t find a way to kill a pesky little gnat that seems to follow me around. He was hanging around my coffee pot earlier. Every where I go, there he is like he thinks we’re the Bobbsey Twins. When he gets around my face I’m afraid I’m going to snuff him up my nose or give myself a black eye trying to swat the devil gnat. The meme at the top is the second biggest question of the day. 

The first being how did my brother handle it when he was introduced into his new living quarters today and figured out he isn't going home from the Covid rehab where he's been gaining strength after a hospitalization with the virus. I'm on pins and needles waiting for a report. His kids are rallying around him in a show of unity for the decision they've made and I won't walk down there to visit until I know how things are going. I'm hoping maybe by the weekend but it could be longer. Their patient liaison told the kids it generally takes a month before patients settle into the fact that they aren't going home again. It was the right decision at the right time, but that doesn't make it an easy one. 

Now I'm off to the pharmacy to pick up a third prescription for an UTI that has resisted the first couple of antibiotics the doctor gave me the week before my surgery. I'm so sick of peeing sixty thousand times a day that I'm about ready to declare the UTI a winner and lay down and die. I'm allergic to that 'shotgun antibiotic' that kills everything possible growing in your urinary track so they had to grow a culture with my pee to come up with this last (hopefully) medication which should have me feeling better soon. But on the good side of life, I'm typing this is real time. The hand still has some swelling but so far so good on keeping infection out of the stitches. ©

64 comments:

  1. I hope things start looking up soon! Take care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They will. That's what feel-sorry-for-yourself-days are for. Have a pity party for a designated time frame then move on.

      Delete
  2. I want to join the Secret Society of Liberal Ladies for dinner! I can think of so many topics to study and debate, even after elections. I always heard you should take melatonin or CBD two hours before you go to sleep. “Your body produces melatonin naturally. It doesn’t make you sleep, but as melatonin levels rise in the evening it puts you into a state of quiet wakefulness that helps promote sleep,” explains Johns Hopkins sleep expert Luis F. Buenaver, Ph.D., C.B.S.M. Mayo Clinic agrees as does NIH. Ask your Doc again.

    Heal well and quickly. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melatonin usually works for me but when it doesn't I won't grab an anbiem before 1:00 or after 3:00.

      Delete
  3. Just caught up with your blog entries. So many of your sentiments resonate with me, eg taking out a loved garment and thinking damnit at age x what AM I saving it for?!

    In a way, its good that your brother is now closer to you, and because of this, you'll be meeting the rellies more frequently. Good outcome for all parties.

    As always, very grateful for your openness and revealing yourself. Not easy, and I couldn't do it. Hence appreciate it all the more.

    Happy first year anniversary at the CCC and may there be many more such happy anniversaries! ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Libby! I've always enjoyed comparing life notes from Down Under!

      Delete
  4. Peculiar! I used Chrome and no Captcha!! I think I used Firefox browser earlier and that would bring up the Captcha. (Blogger did not accept comments via Safari, my default browser, hence the switch to another). ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
  5. #3 post: using Safari, which earlier did not facilitate comments. ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
  6. #4 - apologies for the unnecessary comments. Has Blogger changed its settings? No Captcha, and comments appear to have gone through from Safari. ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No need to apology. Your comments might help others trying to figure out why they have trouble commenting. Bloggers changed things a couple of months ago and made it harder and more frustrating. Thanks for sticking with it!

      Delete
  7. What a lot you've had to deal with this last week. I hope your brother's transition is as smooth as it's possible to be.

    I went through a period when I had one UTI after another about three years ago. I finally had to stay on a low-dose antibiotic for several months to clear it. I was also put on a medication that calmed the bladder spasms during the night. My urologist also told me to take D-Mannose as a preventative. UTI's are crazy-making. They make you irritable, uncomfortable sitting, and unable to sleep well. I've had only one UTI in the intervening years and that was discovered when I went to the ER for suspected appendicitis that turned out not to be appendicitis but appendiceal cancer, all contained within the appendix. They put me on a broad-spectrum antibiotic that resulted in a bad case of C Diff. I'm glad they weren't able to put you on one but waited on culture results instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Someone living here is also on a low dose antibiotic for a chronic UTI, too. That medication that calms bladder spasms at night sure sounds good to me! I've been getting up every hour all night long. That broad-spectrum antibiotic gives me the hives...never thought I'd be happy about that but I sure wouldn't want a case of C diff.! Wow, on the appendiceal cancer. I didn't know that was a thing. It's amazing how many things can go wrong but we keep on ticking.

      Delete
  8. I like knowing you're a member of the Secret Society of Liberal Ladies. I hope you have a handshake, although flashing the finger at any neanderthal politician would work as one. I'm hoping your brother adjusts to his new living arrangements. I'd guess it's nice to have him nearby but not for the reason you have him nearby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Got the first report back on his reaction to his room and it was good, accepting. But that was only the first day. I think they keep the people there busy and scheduled all day and the routine will be good for him. And I'm hoping seeing me from time to time will help tether him to reality. I'm anxious to see what kinds of things they do to try to help people hold on to their memories. All I really know is that music is a big part of it and that my niece has done a deep dive into what they offer.

      Delete
  9. You have lots going on, Jean. Trying to figure out how to manage one-handed, your brother's move and another UTI. If you're like me, sometimes when life gets crazy, you long for normal days (weeks/months/years--oh yeah!). Recurring UTIs are so irritating. While I was taking antibiotics for my last one, I kept wondering what else I could do to prevent them. While online, I stumbled across some research (I know it was from Europe, but can't remember more than that) that showed that eating 1/3 c of cranberries every day significantly reduced UTIs. I went out and bought AZO cranberry tablets and Craisins (reduced sugar). The cranberries have something in them that prevents the bacteria that causes UTI from "settling in" to the bladder. I really know very little, but have not had a UTI since I started the cranberry regimen.

    Your comments about your brother leaving his home and moving into a small space makes me think about trying to make transitions in life as easy as possible. Any way you look at it, it is rough, but maybe there are things we can do while we're still well, that will help later on.

    I sure hope you feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After my last UTI a couple of years back I bought cranberry chews made for prevention and for some reason I got out of the habit of using them. I need to get back into prevention after I get past this current infection. The research is very clear that cranberries do help. Thanks for the reminder.

      We go through so many transitions in life you'd think they'd get easier wouldn't you. But these end of life transitions---there's no way we'll come out the other side like happier and fulfilled---moving, going to school, marriages, careers, retirement, beating illnesses. They all have their rewards to help push us through. I guess the best we can hope for when transitioning into a nursing home or memory care is what my youngest niece said to their dad's lawyer when he asked what their goal was in moving him out of his house. She said, "I just want my dad to be safe and well cared for."

      Delete
  10. This brought back so many memories for me about my hubby, who lost his life after a long struggle with dementia. A heartbreaking disease, no way around it.

    "In Love" by Amy Bloom is an incredible memoir about the end of her husband's life after diagnosis of dementia. He chose to end his life; I won't say anything more in case you wish to read it. It is a heartwarming, yet wrenching account of her husband's decision, and her support of him in this decision.

    Sounds like you have made some lovely connections with likeminded folks. Secret Society of Liberal Ladies... I love it! I live in a relatively conservative part of NY state, so I'm often surrounded by those of a much different political persuasion. Here's hoping you have a speedy recovery from your UTI; it's always something, isn't it...

    Carole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like a good book to recommend to our book club. We have had the assisted suicide discussions here on campus, around a lunch table and I'm always surprised at how many say they are for it. I just see all kinds of ways to abuse that---kids pressuring parents to do it before they are ready, parents doing it because they want to save their assets for their family. I know a woman who got talked into giving away large sums of money to all her kids so on paper she looked broke. She thought they'd help her out when she needed it. They didn't and she ended up in a substandard medicaid nursing home when if she'd held on to her assets she could have qualified for a place with decent care. I think money and assisted suicide and ungrateful kids (or in-laws) are a bad combination. And with good, caring kids? I think the guilt would eat them up.

      Delete
    2. I had a couple of UTIs a few years back…Cipro was the only thing that worked. Now I take cranberry supplements and try to drink enough water. My friend uses estrogen cream and that seems to help her. Unfortunately it is common in older women..lack of hormones, I suppose. Lately I’ve felt one may be coming on…I feel the urge more frequently…doubling up on the cranberry..we’ll see.

      Delete
    3. I was on Cipro but it didn't work---helped some though. Now I'm on SMZ-TMP whatever that is. Mine got so bad I have visible lumps of blood in my urine. Never had an UTI that bad before.

      Delete
    4. Someone above mentioned D-mannose. My gram and now my mom have struggled with recurring UTIs. My gram ended up on a low dose antibiotic pretty much permanently. My mom didn't want to do that, and she read about D-mannose somewhere. She claims since she started it, she hasn't had a UTI and is sure that's why.

      Another recommendation for Amy Bloom's memoir. I love her writing and read it when it came out...it's well worth reading!

      Delete
    5. When I was going to the grocery store every week I was buying fresh cranberry salads every week, comes without the side effect of diarrhea that the D-mannose can sometimes give you.

      Thanks for the book recommendation.

      Delete
    6. Yikes. Well, if any med can give me diarrhea, my system will oblige. Ugh. I'll be avoiding that one. LOL.

      Delete
  11. I admire your fortitude! With all your current physical issues lately, as well as your brother's move and the whatever emotions that brings up, you still manage to be social! I'd be sad, depressed, reclusive. LOL Good for you for finding the Liberal Ladies!!! I'm so glad I Iive in a (mostly) Blue state and all that nearly all my friends are aligned politically. It's depressing enough to watch the Republicans and MAGA Mob from afar!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a mine field living in a red state. It scares me that so many of the people here refuse to watch the news and will vote straight Republican like they've done their whole lives. If there was ever a year when it's important to study the down ballot people, it's this year!!!!

      Delete
    2. Tell me about it. I live in Florida. But have a small circle of like minded friends…we do exist…even in Florida, but this is certainly MAGA land.

      Delete
    3. I just don't get the blind worship of that man! And now I understand how Hilter came to power when in the past I didn't really get it.

      Delete
    4. People were afraid of Hitler because he could make you die. Can Trump do that? Maybe Trump is to be feared for his actions rather than his power.

      Delete
    5. I don't get your point. Hitler couldn't make people die when he was in the process of setting himself up to be in power. Afterward he could and did cause millions to die. Trump is a man without ethics or morals or respect for the rule of law and he could very well cause masses of people to die if he got elected again.

      Delete
    6. Trump may not be able or willing to make you die, but his cult base sure can

      Delete
  12. My brother is showing some signs of dementia and he has just started medication to help that. Our Dad died with Alzheimer's so it is always on our minds. I hope your brother is comfortable and calm and well taken care of. I am glad that you will get to see him and your nieces more often.
    It is great that you found a like-minded group of ladies to share your political views. I couldn't listen to a MAGA supporter - especially while trying to eat!?! Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of the time when we're in a mixed group, politics it an off limits topic. Someone always shuts it down but we know who the Trumpests are and they don't mind speaking their piece. It's refreshing to know there are other liberals here and we usually are low key about it. It's scary how many people think he did nothing wrong around January 6th or by keeping classified documents at a private resident or by continuing to claim he won the election.

      Delete
  13. Smiling at your liberal ladies. I was lucky to find such a small group here and it is such a relief to feel like you no longer have to watch your tongue. Ahhh.
    I am glad your brother had such a great first day. Sounds like he might have a smooth transition and having you near by will be good for you both.
    Sure hope you find relief for the UTI problem. You have enough to deal with a healing hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just been one day on the new med so I'm hopeful by mid week I'll be feeling better.

      I just hope I can be a helpful in my brother's life and thus be helping out his kids in a round about way.

      Delete
  14. Several friends of mine have broken their wrists and had to do everything one-handed; they do not recommend it at all! I'm hoping I can avoid it. My boyfriend is moving his mother to a Memory Care facility this weekend and is dreading it. She may adjust OK but it'll still be a jarring and emotional change for her at first. Lately in Book Club, I've enjoyed "Take My Hand," "The Lincoln Highway" and "The Island of Sea Women."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your book recommendations are timely. We are doing a session soon just to pick out our reads for 2023. If we don't do it ahead of time we don't get our first choices from the library's Book Club in a Bag program.

      Emotional change for everyone involved---mother and son. Hope it goes better than hoped for and if that can't happen at least without a lot of drama for your boyfriend to deal with.

      Delete
  15. One handed is a struggle. I have a wicked kitchen knife cut on my left ring finger and I'm amazed how it slows me down, but I tried removing the metal splint early and jolted it into bleeding again. I can only imagine having my entire arm immobilized. Hope it heals quickly.

    It sounds like your brother will accept his new digs fairly well. I think keeping them busy is good and music is a standard request for our hospice patients with memory problems. Nice to have him close by.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will. Once the stitches come out it's amazing how quickly it heals.

      I'm hoping his first night went as well as his first day. I don't want to bugs the girls for a report but I'm dying to know.

      Delete
  16. You have had to put up with more than your share of miseries of late. It makes me appreciate your sense of humor even more! So glad you found a group of like minded ladies though. That's a bright spot in anyone's routine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Humor is my go-to for stress relief ever since my husband's stroke. If you don't laugh you cry is more than must a cute saying.

      Delete
  17. I hope you start feeling better soon, Jean. My mom had a UTI in her last years with cancer that was caused by an antibiotic resistant bacteria she picked up from one of her hospital visits. I don't know what they treated it with but she was always shedding it even though it wasn't causing her issues anymore, and as a result she got a private room every time she had to go back to hospital. And we had to follow isolation rules when visiting her (gowning and gloving up, etc.). The private room was a bit of a silver lining in an otherwise difficult situation.

    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! I think I'll go back and read the lab report on the exact bacteria they found. I know there were more than one and the first medication did help but not enough. Hospitals are nasty places to pick up stuff.

      Delete
    2. 🤞 it's not MRSA (methicillin resistant staph aureus)

      Delete
    3. Nope. it's not. It's not that I have a bacteria that is resistant so much as I have severe reactions to antibiotics and thus they can't give me the normal ones that target several things it COULD be. So they started me on an antibiotic the doctor knows I can tolerate while waiting the the culture to grow in a lab so they can give me the exact thing to kill it without a lot of other things in the medication.

      Delete
  18. UTI’s are such pestilence. Hang in there.

    I feel like Transitions come thick and fast as we age more, and most of them are crap that we have to swallow and accept. It’s maddening and makes us feel put-upon. Our spirits are in rebellion. More than ever, I understand the Dylan Thomas poem “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.”

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved that poem title for years but haven't googled it in a long time. Thanks for the reminder to check it out. Transitions after a certain age really do suck, don't they...and I hate using that word. How quickly we fall from hating something to helping it become common usage.

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. Had warm apple pie with ice cream tonight. That always helps things improve.

      Delete
  20. I grinned at you pondering what you'd want as part of the furnishings for your "one room life." I've already got it figured out. As long as I have a window and a computer, I'll be good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's good plan with a hitch...if you're in a memory care unit you might not remember what to do with the computer. The IT guys are busy on campus a couple of days a week just fixing remotes and TVs. But I agree, as long as I have a window that looks at something other than a parking lot and a tablet or computer and a few pieces of wall art that takes me to another place, I'll be fine. And my shoehorn, pencils and paper to write on.

      Delete
    2. As long as I have my IPad, a window with a view, some of my own paintings and perhaps my own coffee maker.

      Delete
    3. I thought of the coffee maker too, but I'll bet it's against the rules. My biggest fear regarding living in a nursing home is having a room mate!

      Delete
  21. I live in what we call Assisted Living, but it is not memory care. We don't have a memory care unit. We have a small kitchenette, but no appliances except for a fridge/freezer and microwave. I think the only thing other than that they allow is a Keurig coffee pot that makes one cup at a time and then turns off. I get help with my medications and bathing and dressing. We do have activities and the food is poor, but could be a lot worse. I have been here a little over 2 months and still trying to adjust to it. My view is of trees and a small lake plus the dining room side wall. No parking lots or other buildings for the most part. Some of the views are terrible. I was lucky when I chose mine. I have my computer and eventually I will get a tv, but have to sell my car first. Since I am being subsidized by the state I can't save the money. I have to sell the car and then buy things I need with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank goodness for a good view. That's a big deal in Assisted Living. I would hate it if I couldn't see trees. We have assisted living units similar to what you're describing on campus. Memory Care is a step down from that. Some would call them dementia care units. Keep on trying to adjust and it will happen. Change is not easy, especially when we start needing help. Hope you sell your car before Christmas so you'll have some fun spending what you're allowed to do.

      Delete
  22. Good grief -- oodles of anxiety here. UTI, brother, election. (By the way, I think you mean state senator -- neither of our two U.S. senators are running this time around.) I am so relieved you have found a liberal group! Sending all good wishes for your brother. That has to be really tough for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the correction. I edited it in.

      So far news is good on my brother. I haven't seen him yet. His step-son from out of state was with him over the weekend and I didn't want to intrude without an invitation. I'll have a better picture of his schedule over there after today. My niece is meeting his care team today.

      Delete
    2. My absolute worst thing when I broke my wrist was putting on a bra one handed. More howls and tears of frustration than anything else that stymied me during that time.

      Delete
  23. Oh dear Jean. We all have such days and maybe even weeks. I hope you will be able to cheer up again, you are usually so jolly and although I can see where your current grumpiness comes from - it's enough to drive anyone to an early grave - may all your problems disappear into thin air. I love it when you are bitchy about your fellow inmates!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, you will like the next post then, I ratting out a few of my fellow residents. I'm back to my normal cheerful self. LoL

      Delete
  24. I have a couple Antique Mahjong Sets, they're quite beautiful, but I have no idea how to play. Not much into games, don't have the proper attention span for any of them actually, so I can't focus long enuf to get thru any game playing. I'm so glad you found some kindred spirits to form a group and talk candidly about the deep issues without drama. It's not that I don't want to understand viewpoints different than my own, but as you well know, the opposing views seem so extremist that I just cannot have a logical or intelligent conversation with someone whose gone wheels off the rails in a direction I find to be deeply disturbing and dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wheels off the rails is a good way to describe some of the cult members now.

      Antique Mahjong sets often have ivory tiles and are very valuable if you can find a place to sell the sets. It's illegal to sell old (or new) ivory in this country. (e-Bay will pull those listings.) I wish I had my own set. The one that belongs to this place cost $100. Maybe next spring I'll start garage sale shopping for a set. Are yours he American or Chinese versions? The characters on the tiles are the same but there are a different number of them and different rules.

      Delete
  25. So much happening around you is right but mostly good fun with good people. The hand really makes things difficult. I feel for you. I had finger surgery once and they wrapped my hand up and I was so miserable. Two surgeries for you - Yuck

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to comment. If you are using ANONYMOUS please identify yourself by your first name as you might not be the only one. Comments containing links from spammers will not be published. All comments are moderated which means I might not see yours right away to publish through for public viewing as I don't sit at my computer 24/7.