There are a couple of (gay) women living here who I’ve nicknamed the Skinny Minnie Twins. Both of them were college professors and have been together since their early twenties. They are upbeat, friendly and well accepted into the ecosystem here…if the term ecosystem can be applied to a continuum care campus. They both took Mahjong lessons when we all started but one decided the game was not for her. We’ve had 4-5 others who’ve tried to learn but gave up on themselves ever catching on, so they dropped out too. But the other twin plays Mahjong every Wednesday along with me and enough others to make up two tables. American Mahjong is a hard game to learn and even harder to get good enough at it to occasionally win which is why I love it. The challenge of always having something new to learn about playing the game excites me. Yes, I’m obsessed. And I'll bet you're thinking I got side-tracked away from the dieting theme. I didn't. Well, maybe a little bit but not much.
I recently learned that Twin # Two has been going to Weight Watcher meetings every week faithfully for over 40 years. I’d been a member of Weight Watchers for a couple of stretches in my life but I gained what I lost back again when I quit. I’ve been in Tops and another diet group whose name escapes me. I’ve done a doctor supervised, all liquid diet (my favorite of any I’ve ever been on because I never got hungry or thought about food). I’ve joined gyms and worked out obsessively, then quit when the pounds were gone. I’ve lost and gained back 50 pounds three times in my life.
I was 14 or 15 the first time my mom dragged me to a (quack) weight loss doctor. He had me breathe into a tube and declared I needed thyroid medication to speed up my metabolism and he had me wrapped in clothe strips soaked in some kind of herbs and put in sauna bath. Behold I’d come out five pounds lighter and ready to pass out. Of course, the water weight that got sweated out of me would come back just in time for another ‘treatment.' which he sold in blocks of ten. Years later, another doctor told me that putting me on thyroid medication that young and without the proper tests to know if I even needed it is probably what killed off my thyroid gland so that now I actually do need it. (Being on it for so many years is what thinned my bones out.)
I’ve always admired how the Skinny Minnie twins look. Their bodies could easily pass for women in their twenties and they dress in simple but well-made jeans, tailored shirts and occasional sweaters. Before I learned about Twin # Two not always being skinny I thought they maintained their healthy bodies because they walk a lot and take the line dancing classes which I know helps, but I never would have guessed # Two once had an unhealthy relationship with food, like I do. I asked her if she was a WW leader. “Nope.” I thought maybe she worked for the corporation like all the long-timers I knew back in the day. I asked her if after all this time she still feels she needs to go and she replied, “I’m afraid to stop going.” I need to have a one-on-one conversation with her sometime. I’d love to do a deep dive into her back story regarding her relationship with food.
My back story is the classic tale of a fatty-fatty-two-by four. I use food for comfort, for celebration, to soothe hurt feelings or to treat anxiety and depression on the rare occasion when I experience the latter. I use food when I’m bored or if I want to punish myself or someone who dares to suggest I shouldn’t eat this or that. Yes, I’ve been known to be a closet eater because no one tells ME what I can or can’t put in my mouth! Not since I turned thirteen and my dad and mom had a huge argument over making me clean my plate or sit at the table until bedtime when I didn't comply. Closet eating makes no sense and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out nor would it take a psychiatrist to point out that it’s all my mothers fault. Just kidding. She may have set me up for an eating disorder but intellectually I know I’ve been an adult for far more years than she forced fed me as a child so in theory I should be able to monitor myself by now. I can get obsessed over things like playing Mahjong or learning a new craft so why couldn’t I have obsessed over developing a healthy relationship with food for the past 69 years?
Weight gain has been on my mind big time since the first of the year when I usually do the traditional New Year’s Resolution and loss a few pounds but this year instead of losing I’ve been gaining at an alarming rate. So fast that I obsessed for awhile that I had a huge tumor growing inside me until I remembered that in February when I was in the hospital they did a thorough set of x-rays of my body looking for broken bones and would have seen the mass my imagination conjured up.
My only comfort is that one day at a lunch table with a dozen or so of my fellow residents everyone was complaining about gaining ten pounds over the past year. One lady said, “It’s all the carbs they serve us” and a guy replied, “they do it on purpose so we’ll all die off faster and they can resell our apartments.” Ms. Social Worker bemoaned the fact that she’s had to buy all new clothes and I confessed that I refuse to do that and I have fewer and fewer choices left in my closet. I mean that, too, about not buying clothing in a larger size. I’m only fifteen pounds under what was the highest I’ve ever weighed in my life. I’m not going to make it easier for me to get there again.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about my life since The Fall in February. I’ve experienced most of the benchmarks we humans are supposed to find along the way and I’ve long ago made peace with the ones I’ve missed. I’ve had hard times and good times. Fun times and sad times. Times when I've failed and times when I succeeded. But I’m mostly proud of the way I've 'done life.' I may not have accomplished great things that will go down in history but I've had some good friends, found my soulmate and I'm a good person where it counts in my heart. I have only one real regret, one big thing that if we had do-overs in life, I’d do over and that's my relationship with food. Its my Achilles' heel.
Until next Wednesday… ©
That breaks my heart about the thyroid medicine. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteBreaks my heart too. I'll bet every person who went to that "doctor" came out with thyroid medications.
DeleteNot just that doctor... my mother did the same thing and I was put on thyroid pills too
DeleteLooking back, my relationship with food is similar to yours, Jean. I tend to eat when I'm happy, sad, up, down, etc. But I do remember my mom telling me this story, repeatedly. When I was just 4 years old, mom's younger sister wanted me to come to stay with her for a week. My parents were probably thrilled to have a break, so off I went with my little suitcase. My aunt was young and lived in an upstairs apartment and there were several restaurants nearby. That's where we ate most of our meals. I don't remember it, but my mom sure did, because when I came home, she and my dad could actually see that I had gained weight. I guess all those cheeseburgers, french fries, cokes and milkshakes added up. As a pre-teen, I was determined to look good, and nearly starved myself down to get there. It's been back and forth ever since. Ironically, I've gotten down to a healthier weight and it may be attributed to my cancer meds.
ReplyDeleteI believe that we all respond differently to food, but I've started reading labels. It's shocking how much stuff they can cram into a Hostess Twinkie or a bag of snacks. If I steer clear of it and eat a clean, whole-foods diet, then I stabilize. Not much fun. Lately, because it's summertime, I've been eating a small serving of ice cream every evening. Sure enough, it's catching up with me. The scale says I've gained 3 pounds. I suppose I should give up ice cream, but I sure don't want to. Maybe I should check out Weight Watchers.
The Weight Watcher method does work but it gets tedious to always be counting points and weighing food and it would be a harder now that we have cooks here who provide our meals and proportions. Ice cream is my favorite food group. WW wouldn't make you give it up.
DeleteI don't think there's ever been a time in my life that I haven't thought about food as calories. I'm so damn sick of it. I've been both overweight and underweight. It's to the point where I have no idea what I look like anymore, and I'm being completely serious.
ReplyDeleteOnce a person gets caught in that sort of Dieting Culture, it's hard to break out of it. It's a whole psychology unto itself, and that's not including the psychology of what got you into it in the first place.
Yup. You could join my If-We-Could-do-it--Over-Again club. Our emotions and body images get so wrapped up into issue. Everyone knows you have to eat less and move more to loss the weight but the hard part is making those change permanent.
DeleteMy weight has been up and down by about 50 pounds over the years. I no longer weigh myself, eat what I want which is healthy, and am somewhere between my heaviest and my thinnest. I feel sorry for the Twin who is afraid to quit WW. It seems like they've pulled to wool over her eyes. It is she who has maintained the weight loss, not them.
ReplyDeleteI don't know without more information about being afraid to quit WW if I feel sorry for her or admire her for not quitting. I've probably belonged to the group 3-4 times in my life and look what happens when I quit. Maybe some of us need it like others need AAA. But the money to keeping going always bothered me.
DeleteI'm not so sure that I agree that WW pulled the wool over her eyes. There really is something about going to the meetings, being weighed in front of someone, and logging it in that little book. I did the program, lost the weight, maintained the loss...but when I stopped going to the meetings, I gradually grew careless and put some pounds back on.
DeleteNina
Oh, Jean, I hear you. I know that I use food as reward & comfort. I try to live by the adage of all things in moderation, including moderation. I aim to balance calories in with calories out. I'd much rather increase activity than be on a restrictive diet. I'm not a fan of labelling food as good or bad/right or wrong. Food is so much more than just nutrients. Think about what comes to mind when we think birthday party or holiday celebration. Healthy eating is having a cookie fresh out of the oven. A nutritionist I worked with once said there's nothing wrong with a chocolate bar as long as it doesn't replace your regular diet, you brush your teeth & you don't have a weight problem. I reckon 2 out of 3 ain't bad!
ReplyDeleteWe have grown up in an era where sweet treats were the reward for everything from coming home from school to weddings. I look at the treats my niece feeds her grandchildren after school and they are not going to grow up addicted to sugar the way I feel I am.
DeleteNo matter a person's size, it's important to feel good and be healthy if you can. Sounds like you want to make some changes and maybe talking to the WW twin will help you find the path you are looking for. Good luck and take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I still miss your Saturday posts! They were always a part of my Saturday morning routine! ;)
If I'm looking for a path it would be the path to accepting myself as I am, but then I keeping thinking about how when you get a certain weight and are elderly it makes it harder on your care team, should I end up in the nursing home building. I would not give Twin # Two the power to judge me at dinner time by asking her for advice. Not that it matters, we pretty much always eat the specials. After all these years of diets and studying diet plans I know the answers, it's the will power that works against me.
DeleteYou are sweet for saying that about missing my by-weekly posts. I'm enjoying the change. It's giving me a little longer format to write in depth and a few days free a week that I'm using to paint.
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By the way, Jean, you might enjoy this post about a Japanese artist who makes detailed scenes out of leaves!! I was amazed!
DeleteHere is the link: https://stardustenglishwriting.blogspot.com/
What a lot of patience that guy has! Thanks for sharing.
DeleteI used to be very careful about my weight but now don't care as much although I would love to lose 10 pounds. Am I willing to sacrifice and work hard to do so? No.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first year that I can remember that I haven't been able to loss 10 pounds with a New Year's Resolution. Not that I don't have more to loss than that but it shock me that I didn't do it this year.
DeleteI react to stress by eating, too. And having someone else cook my meals would for sure be a weight gain for me. One of the only ways I can keep myself away from something I love is to not buy it. But if someone puts in front of me, I'm a goner. The other thing that has been "helpful" is the list of things that seem to bother me as I age. Waaah. Covid put 10 lbs on me that are a bear to lose. I'm working at it, but then we have a birthday and someone shows up with Nothing Bundt Cake. What can you do?
ReplyDeleteThat doctor/thyroid story is just awful. When I was a child, my mom's thyroid completely quit and she was about 6 weeks from dying (per the doctor she finally found in a nearby city) before she was diagnosed. She's been on thyroid meds most of my life, so I've watched how carefully they need to monitored and adjusted periodically. I can't imagine someone just putting you on them to lose weight. I can see how that would cause lifelong problems. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sending you a big hug.
My mom also almost died from a failure of her thyroid gland and if your mom was living in MI back during the early 1940s I'll bet they both did for the same reason. Little known fact: they were testing the atomic bombs and the fall out covered most of MI and caused thyroid issues for a lot of people and is the reason why they started adding iodine to our salt.
DeleteInteresting. That's grim. Her thyroid completely quit and the only time she felt well was when she was pregnant (which was fairly often as a Catholic in the 50's and 60's...ha!). The baby's thyroid would help her out. As the oldest child, I remember having to get the neighbor to come over and help her on bad days pretty regularly. Synthroid was a godsend. That said, we have a lot of autoimmune in our family, too. She also has vitiligo which came on when she was 14. She was the first person I knew to use sunblock religiously back in the day.
DeleteI have Hashimoto's among other autoimmune disorders and have been on Synthroid since 2013. Two months ago, I went in for my six-month check, only to find out that my thyroid levels had dipped so far, so quickly that I was in clinical hypothyroidism despite the Synthroid. My endo theorizes that the bout with a C-Diff infection (of the bowel) damaged my ability to absorb it. Yes, I'd put on weight, was losing hair, and had flaking skin. Yes, I was struggling to remain upbeat. But my thyroid level had stayed level so long, and there were other reasons to explain all of those other effects, so it never clicked what was wrong. We're having trouble bringing the thyroid level back up again, but my usual optimism is reviving a bit, and I've lost five of the twenty pounds I gained. The hairline did not thicken, but now I'm the proud owner of a "topper" and had the fun recent bonding experience of asking my sister to go along for my first visit to a wig shop because I knew she'd laugh with me. Jean, when I was reading your post, I wondered if you might also have an unexpected dip in your thyroid levels. I'm sure they were checked with all the stuff you had going on, though.
DeleteMy yearly appointment with my internist got all screwed up back when I couldn't drive because of my broken ribs. I'm rescheduled to later in the summer. He's the one who tracks my thyroid and I'm guessing that's factor is the rapid weight gain this time. I've been labeled with Hashimoto's too. I have all the classic symptoms but the hair thinning. Glad your sister will take the sting out of wig shopping.
DeleteAll the information about metabolic disease/insulin resistance being more common than we realized 20 years ago, and being responsible for so many chronic conditions that impair our quality of life as we age, made me switch to a lower carb diet. Because of GERD I also adopted intermittent fasting and only eat between 11am-7pm. I can't take any credit for that because the misery I was experiencing when I went to bed with a full stomach was a great motivator and I rarely ate breakfast anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm not rigid about it, I still allow myself a couple of pieces of bread or a serving of pasta, a piece of fruit without considering whether it's a high carb fruit AND a small dish of ice cream in the early evening if I have some in the house. I feel guilty about the ice cream, but have no plans to give it up.
Older people need more protein so dumping candy snacks for nuts is a good idea. Still I have no intention of adding a sense of deprivation to my life by giving up everything I love to eat. It's a dilemma for MOST of us.
On days when I'm eating in the main dining room I only have toast around 10 then don't each again until 5:00. But on the days when I'm not, I'll have lunch in the cafe at 12:00 and then a snack at 5:00. I've never looked into the intermittent fasting but I don't think I'd have trouble with doing it. I get way too many carbs. Haven't had any candy since New Year's and I have to walk past the community bowl 2 to 6 times a day.
DeleteI put on some weight in my 50s and 60s, and have been chugging along: a little heavy, but maintaining it without problem. That said, certain nagging symptoms sent me to the doctor in early May, and on the basis of my symptom descriptions, she ran a panel of blood tests. Everything was fine, except that my cholesterol was high (although not high enough to require medication) and there was 'something' going on with my liver. Sure enough, the liver was the culprit: not because of alcohol, since I don't drink but for the same reason my cholesterol was high.They don't call it 'fatty liver disease' for nothing!
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that both the cholesterol and the liver issues don't require medication. All they need is some significant life style change to get things back in order. 'Significant life style change,' of course, means radically reducing the amount of sugar, fat, and salt in my diet, and drinking a lot more water.
To be honest, it hasn't been as hard as I assumed it would be, since whole grains, fruit, veggies, fish, chicken, and the occasional treat leave a lot of latitude. Since early May, when Istarted revamping things, I've lost six of the fifteen pounds that were recommended as a goal, and all of the symptoms I had when I went to the doc are gone. By the time I go back for my next blood tests at the end of June, I suspect there will be significant improvement -- and I sure do feel better! Simply eating better is doing for me what no 'diet' ever did; the closest thing to what's been recommended is the so-called Mediterranean diet.
Oddly enough, coffee and dark chocolate (more than 72% cacao) are on the 'recommended' list for me. I certainly can live with that!
My cholesterol numbers are fine and I'm not diabetic which always surprises me. I'm anemia and have very bad bones, but I don't exercise enough and I drink too much milk. We have to beg to get veggie served but their salads are good, I just get really sick of them. They used to make me sick because of what is sprayed on them but they source them without the spray so for the first time in my life I can eat them without getting sick.
DeleteI could handle the coffee and dark chocolate too.
Why oh why do so many of us worry about our weight I struggled with my weight most of my adult life and often wish I was as "fat" as when I got married because I thought I was fat looking back I realise I wasn't. I have lost weight since 2019 when my Dad died around 26 kilos without even trying. When I was in my 20's I went to Simple Slimmers which was like Weight Watches.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of us on the same bus, that's for sure.
DeleteI love food! As a kid, I was the one who didn't have to be called to the dinner table twice and who almost always expressed delight in whatever was being served (not always; liver - ugh). So it's probably not surprising that I turn to food for comfort whenever I'm stressed, anxious or sad. I have about 20 pounds that I've gained and lost several times since middle age. At this point, I don't even try to count calories or to diet; instead, I try to control my body weight with exercise. I'm also aware that I'm pretty much the same size and shape as my mother was in the second half of her adulthood, so some of this is genetic. I've decided to focus on whether or not I feel good rather than whether or not I look good.
ReplyDeleteIt occurs to me that moving to a retirement community where food is part of the deal has a lot in common with moving into a college dormitory on a meal plan. The "freshman 15" was a common experience for many of us when we made that transition to college.
There are so many things about the CCC experience that is similar to living on a college campus I'm not surprised that we are all gaining weight at the same rate. We have a lot of people here who do as you do, control their weight using exercise.
DeleteAll I can say is been there, done that, still do it. One day, as I was looking through the cupboards, I slammed the door and said "Stop eating your feelings!" Yes, I know I do it. And I still do it. And I hate it. The only part of me I hate. My friend Carol and I were talking Monday and how we thought we looked so terrible back in our early days of working together in the 1980s. And yet, we were looking at pictures and said, "We looked GREAT." And we did. But -- we ate our feelings! Ah.... don't start me. I hear you.
ReplyDeleteTelling myself to "stop eating your feelings," works for me sometimes too, other times I'll tell that annoy voice in my head to be quiet.
DeleteI was always quite slim til I hit perimenopause now at 74 am the heaviest I've ever been. My husband died 3 yrs ago and I am just now willing to let go of food as being my only pleasure. You were a caregiver for so long. That is exhausting and can leave you quite depleted. Turning to food is a natural reaction. I once mentioned my weight to my doctor who was not overly concerned. She told me the body starts to lose weight before it dies (unless an unexpected illness or death). I plan to go buy that slinky dress I've never had the nerve to wear...figured I will look sexy in my coffin. :) Thank you for your refreshingly honest posts.
ReplyDeleteLove your sexy dress plan! Surprisingly, my doctor never mentions my weight...but then he's seen me lose and gain back 50 pounds and I know he thinks those kinds of swings in weight are not healthy either. He also knows how hard I worked at it back then.
DeleteSounds like the weight story of my life!
DeleteThose of us who struggle with our weighs have similar stories to tell, don't we.
DeleteFor most of my life, I've always been a little bit overweight. At least I thought I was. Looking back at old photos, most of the time I shouldn't have complained. Even worse, my inability to control my weight made me unhappy about my lack of will power. I have one daughter who is definitely overweight. She does try hard to slim down with little to no luck. Doctors don't seem to be able to explain how to solve the problem, and there are varied and contradictory explanations for why there are more people overweight and obese people than ever before.
ReplyDeleteMe too when it comes to wishing I had the body I complained about when I was young. Not only are their more overweight people, there are more crackpot "cures" out there so it gets really confusing. The latest is the apple cider and vinegar pills, and yes I've tried them.
DeleteI didn't have a Lifelong struggle with Weight, as, until a Hysterectomy after Age 50 I gained 60 lbs. but prior to that I was underweight all my Life. I ate all the time but Grazed and ate Healthy, it all just went sideways Hormonally after the Surgery and I lost 61 lbs. using Nutrisystem, but gained it all back when I quit the program since their Maintenance Plan didn't work for me. I'm slowly losing Weight now but only becoz I'm trying very very hard to eat healthy, exercise like a much Younger person, and stay very active. It's a difficult process when you have Insulin Resistant Fat which is what Docs told me is my challenge. I've tried to understand why the Weight packs on at the Abdomen, I am an Insulin Type 2 Diabetic, and the Meds they have you on do cause Weight Loss sometimes, so... it's not easy to figure out what's going Wrong internally to keep me fatter than I should be? So, I feel your Pain Jean...
ReplyDeleteI wonder if women will ever stop having a love/hate with our bodies. My son is worried about his middle schooler who is only a little chubby. He wants to "talk" to her about eating too much. I forbid it (like I have any control over him) and tell him it will start a diet issue for the rest of her life. I've accepted that loosing weight as a diabetic is just too hard. I know I need to but all this counting and planning a meal is just a drag and I hate it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I will ever have a love my body day left and I only had that kind of body for a very short time in my life. You are right to encourage your son not to talk to his daughter about weight/eating too much. Maybe spend more time with her in physical activities without bringing up the burning calories aspect of it.
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