“Not in Assisted Living (Yet): Dispatches from the Edge of Independence!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

A Hike in the Woods



I got an unexpected workout over the weekend when a friendly acquaintance I had chatted with on Facebook recently asked me if I wanted to go on a photo safari with her. She’s working on putting together a chapbook of her poetry and needed some illustrations and all I knew about our destinations was we’d be looking for trees, boats, boat houses, churches and a few other things that didn’t sound like they’d take us too far off mowed grass and asphalt. Our first stop, however, was at a near-by Nature Preserve that has as its goal to preserve 63 acres of a rare sphagnum bog and a mature oak-hickory forest and remnants of an oak barrens. I had no idea what an ‘oak barrens’ was until I got home and my friend Google directed me to the Michigan Natural Features Inventory where it was explained that an “oak barrens is a fire-dependent savanna type [forest] dominated by oaks, having between 5 and 60% canopy, with or without a shrub layer.”

We were naïve hikers. We had no idea where or how far the trail went---it could have gone to the Upper Peninsula and we’d still be on it. We only knew the posted rules of “don’t dos” at the trail’s beginning. We didn’t take our water bottles or cell phones and no one in the world---including Ms. Poetry’s husband---knew where we were going so getting lost was not an option in this place where we didn’t see another living creature save for one squirrel. Seriously, how can anyone get lost when six inch blue dots mark a tree every 500 (?) feet, up and down and around the hilly terrain? I wasn’t too worried; I was wearing my 5-Star Emergency Responder that tracks me by GPS so I knew we could get connected to the state police, if necessary. I did start worrying about that possibly, though, when the trail dead-ended at a place where we had to make a decision between going right or left, not knowing which trail will take us back around to the car and which one would take us to the bog we didn’t even know existed until the next day.

It was near that point on our hike when I had to pee but I didn’t have a Kleenex on me and if I had it wouldn’t have been fun packing out a used Kleenex without a plastic bag to put it in. That list of posted rules was quite specific about leaving paper goods behind and I have a healthy respect of the Gods of Rules. So I decided to take a change that my brain was getting a faulty signal from my bladder---happens sometimes---and I kept my pants pulled up. As it turned out, it was a good decision even though it was well over a half hour before we found our way out of the woods. At one point the trail seemed to disappear entirely but at the same time we could see glimpses of the backs of the cottages along the lake. We made a decision to traipse through what looked like poison ivy to me but Ms. Poetry said wasn’t and we headed for the road we knew would be along the front of the cottages. Soon after, we found a friendly man to point us in the direction of where our car was parked at the trail’s entrance and from the humorous tone in his voice, I’m quite sure we weren’t the first ones to chance cutting through private property to freedom---Castle Doctrine and all.

Hunger, thirst and a bathroom call brought us to a tavern out in the boondocks where Ms. Poetry used to go with colleagues when she taught school in the area. She warned me that it’s a dive but I’ve been in far worse. It’s the kind of place where locals hang out to play pool, watch a football game and get an order of frog legs or broasted bass. The woman’s restroom was labeled an eye-rolling “Her-Pees.” When we arrived there was a line of motorcycles out front and when we left they were still there.

We didn’t lack for conversation while waiting for the slow service and as usual for my area of the world, she brought up the topic of religion. On the spot I decided, I’m not hiding from this woman! I straight out told Ms. Poetry that I don’t go to church which I haven’t uttering out loud since my late twenties. I gave her the CliffsNotes version of how I came to be churchless in the City of Churches ending with, “I believe there are many paths to God” to which she replied something like, “I would strongly disagree with that.” Okay, I thought, she seems be open-minded on Facebook so maybe she just wants to discuss theology. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but my voice got a tad icy when I answered that we’d have to agree to disagree on that point and just like that we went on to another topic as if the exchange never happen. Daring to be vulnerable, who knew I could do that so late in life?

All and all I had a good time on a beautiful day, even though neither one of us thought we’d be spending so much time hiking in the woods. And even though it was totally out of character for me to hike without being Boy Scout prepared with a fanny pack of supplies. At least I wasn’t wearing glorified flip-flops like Ms. Poetry was! I wouldn’t want to be her if she gets poison ivy. Flip-flops or not, the outing was a hike in the direction of turning acquaintances into possible friends. ©


Photo Note: The controlled burns in oak barrens are done to reduce invasive species and stimulate the germination of native fauna. We saw signs of burning everywhere and we thought it was from vandalism or a lightening strike. This burning, I learned the next day, took place last spring in the preserve where we hiked.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Sharing Secrets and the Vulnerability to Connect



Did you ever have your mood change so fast from bleak and dark to sunny and light that you had to go back and dissect the reasons why that happened? If I were thirteen or forty-five when puberty or menopause could explain things I probably wouldn’t have even noticed my U-turn because, well, hormone induced craziness often escapes its victim’s attention. It’s the rest of the world that’s wrong. 1-800 Waa-Waaa and if I had an eye rolling icon, I’d use it here. I don’t know about other women but if I could go back and give my parents and my husband trophies for surviving my puberty and menopause, I would. The catch-phrase “cry me a river” was probably inspired by my older brother back in the days when my hangnails took on the same importance as a pile-up on the expressway. And I think I’ve already written about the time my husband found me balling my eyes out over a broken pencil lead and in a naïve sweet guy way, he thought sharping the pencil would fix what ailed me. 

As I examined my changing mood this week it would be easy to assign a Bermuda Triangle-Like mystery explanation but on closer examination that wouldn’t be true. I can point to several things that converged on point A to bring me to point B. One was The Gathering at the senior hall on Monday, the new start-up group for people who are looking for friends. Again, we played a get-to-know-each-other game. With this month’s game we had to reach into a bag without looking and pull out an object, then tell a story about how that object tells something about our personalities, ending our talk-time by sharing a secret. One lady pulled out a wooden spoon with a hole in the center and she joked that it was her brain and the older she gets the bigger that hole grows. Another woman’s object led to a story about how she ended up living in Cairo, Egypt for twelve years. One woman confessed to streaking across a lawn to ring a bell and she made us promise that her secret would stay in the room. Oops, I guess I’m not good at keeping secrets. I love how these games help us carry conversations beyond the norm for strangers getting to know one another.

When it was my turn to share a secret I said, “I only have one secret”---I was thinking about how I blab my every thought in the bloggers’ world---“but I’ll tell you half the secret: I once slept overnight on a gravesite and the reason why is the half I won't share." I also didn't share that I dated a newly minted Vietnam veteran for a year before I met Don and until that guy dies I probably won’t talk about the pain he caused me which includes the reason for the night in the cemetery. I think about doing it, writing about that era of my life but it would be a complicated story to tell and I’m not sure it’s worth revisiting in my head. I've googled him a couple of times and know our paths could easily cross again and it would be interesting to see if the attraction is still there after all these years. You see human interest stories on the news about old people who were sweethearts in their youth reconnecting fifty-sixty years later in a nursing home and getting married. Ohmygod, I can see how that happens if you're both the kind of people who only carries the happy memories forward and leaves the rest back in the past.

Back on topic: The second thing that factored into turning my mood around was going on Facebook and reading a post by an acquaintance that on some levels mirrored my own thoughts. “It occurred to me,” she wrote, “that in the realm of friendship, I have pretty much wasted mine because of shyness (often mistaken for being ‘stuck up’) and, yes, shame. I have many friendly acquaintances, but no one to have mini-reunions, girl getaways and the like. When I see posts of women laughing in restaurants, or touring places I love, I feel a great deal of self-pity, which is not noble.” Let me tell, this woman is someone I never, ever would have guessed could feel that way. She’s poised, well spoken, warm, extremely interesting and is someone I have admired from afar. I pictured her with many close friends. We chatted back and forth on her public Facebook post---my least favorite format for sharing feelings---but we ended up making plans for an outing this holiday weekend. 

“In order to connect we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” That’s a quote from New York Times bestselling author Brene Brown and I realize that's what my Facebook acquaintance was doing in her post, she was having the courage to be seen---insecurities, flaws and all. Ms. Brown also says, “Connection is why we are here. It’s what give meaning and purpose in our lives.” If you’ve never seen her Ted Talk on the power of vulnerability it's well worth watching. It's funny, insightful and you'll probably see yourself or someone you know in the stories she tells. ©