Horses, Travel, Movies and Chicken Wings

 My social life feels like a full time job sometimes…like the past three days when I went on a tour of an Equest Center for Therapeutic Riding, to a travelogue presentation and I saw a film with my Movie and Lunch Club. And over the weekend I’m going to an art-in-the-park show. I wish I could queue up my social activities like I can On Demand TV. I’d get up in the morning, decide if I want to stay home or queue up a place to go that fits my mood, the weather and the amount of physical exertion I’m willing to spend. If I loved what I did the day before I could even queue it up again for an encore.

Have you heard about therapeutic horseback riding? Sure you have. Ann Romney---if her husband had won the White House back in their day---would have turned the front lawn into a riding track as part of her treatment for MS. The therapy place our senior hall arranged for us to tour was amazing. It's a non-profit that sits on 35 wooded acres and they have an indoor heated ring for the winter and an outdoor “sensory trail” for the summer months. They do 150 therapy half hour riding sessions a week and have a waiting list. They could offer more time slots if they had enough trained horses and ponies---only one in five pass the temperament test. They have twenty-seven horses and each riding appointment takes a certified equine-assist therapist plus two volunteers to be with the rider. They also do summer day camps, derby days and other fun things. Their youngest rider is two and their oldest is ninety. Riders are all physically, mentally, social or emotionally challenged. I have a niece-in-law with severe MS who goes there and it’s the highlight of her week. I was surprised to learn that most insurance companies cover this therapy.

While on the tour I made sure to pet the two barn cats and rub my forearm up against both a gigantic Percheron horse and a smaller Peruvian so I could take their scents home to Levi. That Schnauzer loves playing detective, trying to figure out where I go when I leave the house. I really gave him something to think about this time! When I was a teenager any bare skin contact with horses would have brought on an outbreak of hives and I also wanted to see if I'm still was allergic to them. Nope. I’ve outgrown reacting to them or to touching grass. One summer I had a terrible crush on a boy who worked at a stables near our cottage so every time I had some babysitting money I’d go riding. I spent a lot of time with pink Calamine lotion on my skin before my mom put two and two together and made me stop riding.

The Travel club. I almost fell asleep during their presentation of the trips they’re planning for 2018. For the first time since I’ve been going, they had trouble with their slide show presentation. It kept stopping and repeating the same photos that didn’t match what the speaker was talking about. Drove me crazy! They are going to Poland ($2,995 for ten days), The Baltic's ($3,999 for eleven days), Peru ($7,499 for ten days) and the Parks of the American West ($3,995 for ten days). They gave out recognition badges to people who’d been on three or more trips with the agency over the past year and all I could think about is: Where do these people get that much money to blow on trips? Any three of last year’s trips combined would cost over ten grand! 

Movie and Lunch Club. If you watch TV you’ve probably seen the trailer for the movie with Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer, Snatched. Like its title, the plot is short on content. They play a mother-daughter combo who gets kidnapped in South America and an action/comedy results. I couldn’t find a reviewer who gave the film more than two and a half stars and I’d agree with that. But if you need a break from the world of serious and sinister news, the movie will give you enough lines and antics to laugh at to get your matinee money’s worth. It’s an R rated movie for its language and it was classic Amy Schumer potty-mouth. I had to laugh, though, at one couple in our group who bought their tickets before knowing it was R rated. They’d never been to an R rated movie before and they promised they’d walk out if it “got bad.” They didn’t but I’m pretty sure they were still blushing when we got to a near-by restaurant called Buffalo Wild Wings. It’s a sports bar chain but I’ve never heard of it before. I don’t usually go to places with the word ‘sports’ in the title…no arenas, no bars, no retail stores. The couple zeroed right in on the Lotto screens on the wall and she said they used to play until they’d win enough to pay for their meals. Oh my! I guess we all have our own definitions of what’s obscene. I’ll take a few dirty words over wasting money gambling any day. ©

 

High Drama, Laugh-Fest, Body Parts and Quirky Widowers

CNN ran a story on Monday with the headline: The 'Trumphaustion' plaguing the GOP. In it their chief national correspondent, John King, said: “A number of veteran GOP members tell friends and associates they are at, or near, a boiling point – ‘Trumphaustion,’ as one put it -- after another week in which efforts to sell their agenda were overwhelmed by Trump's brash moves -- in this case the James Comey firing.” And that was before this latest round of whatever-you-want-to-call-it where our loose-lipped president raised the hackles of both Washington and the Heartland by revealing highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and their ambassador. Trump has a mouth like Linda Blair…the crap just keeps coming out. When a photo of those two with Trump appeared---taken during their meeting by the Russians and released to their press, then to ours---an angry White House spokesperson said, “We were tricked! They lied! We did not anticipate that the photos would ever be used.” I’m starting a support group for people suffering from Trumphaustion. We’ll find a litter of puppies or kittens to hold and play meditation tapes while we suck on Chocolate Tootsie Pops. Goodness gracious, can we really stay sane with this head spinning, human drama queen machine in the White House?

That was Sunday. Monday I had lunch after The Gathering with my posse of new friends plus another woman new to the group. We talked---or I should say we laughed for nearly two hours about silly things like super-big butts and buying bras and the new lady gave a scathing monologue about young people and sex. According to her, they all have a check list of sexual things to do and they don’t care who they do them with or where. The way she pursed her lips and poo-pooed the morals of everyone under thirty-five reminded me of Dana Carvey’s church Lady character only this was no comedy act on her part. I thought I’d bust a gut laughing. She looked like she thought she could get a venereal disease just talking about the subject. Then the group gave me a crash course on how to shop on QVC which I doubt I’ll ever do but it was interesting how enamored two of the ladies were with shopping via their television sets. I must admit they were both better dressed than I was. I was wearing a burgundy blouse that’s much older than Levi my dog who turned nine last January. I can’t help it, I love that blouse and I refuse to donate it to Goodwill when it’s still in great condition and it fits in the loose and comfortable way I like. 

Tuesday I had another one-on-one session with my personal trainer. Only two more sessions to go before I have to decide if I’m going to buy another block of sessions. I’ve been going to the YMCA three times a week for two hours each time since early February and guess which parts of my body are getting smaller---my wrists and my ankles! I’ve lost some in other places, too, but not enough that the smaller clothes in my closet are calling me down to their end of the rack. I’m almost there but ‘close’ only counts in throwing horseshoes and grenades, as baseball player Frank Robinson used to say. My trainer is suggesting if cost is factor that we could meet once a month, stretching the sessions out. She’s concerned that I’ll get bored and quit coming without the accountability. Duh, it’s going to happen sooner or later whether I set up for more sessions or not. I’m more concerned that I'll be free to change to another gym where my health insurance will cover the monthly fees. $55 a month plus the cost of the trainer at the Y is nothing to sneeze at. The other place is near-by, too, but it’s teeny-tiny in size and what they offer in the way of equipment. I checked it out when I first learned about the deal, but at the time I thought I’d be using the Y pool.

I forgot to mention above when I talked about The Gathering that there were two newbies---a man and a woman who both lost their spouses seven/eight months ago. They go to the same church and came to the meeting together. I’m taking bets that they’ll be dating before summer is over. Heck, they already are but they just don’t know it yet. In his introduction he said they are both going through all the same things so they have a lot in common. No kidding. There was another new guy at The Gathering, too, who refused to tell the group his name. I’m guessing he feared all the widows in the room would track him down and start dropping casseroles off at his front door. Who goes to a group that's advertised as a place for people looking for friends and refuses to give their name during the round-the-table introductions? Mysteries like this drive me crazy and I was glad he didn’t join us for lunch afterward. “Hey you with the set a balls between your legs, will you pass the pepper please?”©

Russians in the Oval Office with Trump

Windows, Book Club, Computer Hacks and Fat Dogs

I have a six by six window in my bedroom---actually two three by six, side-by-side windows set in the same frame---and they’re so drafty that I can see my Venetian blind moving on windy days. It was on my list of things to do this summer to look into getting them replaced. Enter the cold-canvas representative from Andersen windows, the supposed Cadillac in the industry. “We’re in the neighborhood setting up appointments for estimates.” So I took the bait and the next day the salesman showed up with his slick and polished monologue. Sure, they’ve got a twenty warranty, but I don’t so that doesn’t sway me, I told that guy. Sure, they’re workers are all bonded and insured. Most service people are these days. Again, I was not impressed. Sure, they are trained professionals. Sure, sure, sure… I could go on with all the stuff their salesman told me, but he couldn’t guarantee that my Venetian blind would still fit inside the window frame because these replacement windows are so much thicker than the ones I have. Call me picky but I don’t want a Venetian blind set on the outside of the frame and I’m not getting drapes, thank you Mr. Salesman/Amateur Decorator.

When he got to the estimate, I was in severe price sticker shock. $7,032.00 if I ordered within a month, $6,032.00 if I ordered that day and a whopping $8,032.00 if I want a price guarantee that will last a year. I was expecting around $2,000 give or take a few hundred. I said, “I’m not prepared to pay eight grand and I don’t make decisions like this on the spot, so I’m not ordering today.” “Not even to save a thousand?” he asked with disbelief in his voice. Then he hauled out a chart of payment plans with rates as low as $80 a month. He got a little pushy asking if I could afford that payment. I got a little insulted by how he was trying to reel me in and I stood up to signal we were finished talking. I wanted to say, “don’t call me” but I’m pretty sure he knew he wasn’t getting an order to replace those windows. That kind of money can buy a lot of window insulation kits at seven bucks a box. A new sheet of plastic and a roll of double-sided tape every winter; such a bargain! I might try Polar Seal Windows for another free estimate, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to continue living with the draft.

My book club met this week to discuss JoJo Moyes’ Me Before You. If you don’t know the storyline it’s about a quadriplegic in his early thirties who decides he wants to leave England and go to a Swiss clinic for an assisted suicide. But he promises his wealthy parents he’ll wait six months if they'll respect and accept his decision when the time is up. He’d already attempted to take his own life before the promise, so his parents hire an off-beat girl to essentially be on suicide watch and to maybe help him find a reason to change his mind. Let's just cut to the chase and say it was a great read (and movie) and we had an interesting discussion. Though I was surprised that five of the ladies in the club thought the guy could have “tried hard to be happy.” I didn’t say it but I was thinking that's a naive thing to say about a guy who had no control over any part of his body but his brain. The Stephen Hawkings’ of the world who are able to find meaningful work and a dedicated support team are few and far between in the world of quadriplegics. 

I took my backup computer into my repair place for its yearly tune up and antivirus control software update. They use Kaspersky, which is one of the largest and highest rated antivirus software in the entire world and I asked the tech guy if he still trusts this Russian company not to put a backdoor into their programs so they can mess around inside our computers. He didn’t raise an eyebrow or look at me like I was a crazy old lady when he replied, “Our government reverse engineers their programs all the time and haven’t found a hidden backdoor yet. If they are putting them in they’re very good at it.” I don’t know whether to be comforted or scared about that answer.

Levi my Mighty Schnauzer got his yearly checkup at the veterinary clinic this week. That little stinker is not so little anymore! He gained two whole pounds since last May! He weighs thirty-one pounds and I’m thinking I should figure out a way to smuggle him into the YMCA to run the treadmill with me. Sure, I live in a neighborhood with sidewalks but I’ve been watching too much Judge Judy and Hot Bench on TV lately where they fight about who pays the vet bills for dogs injured in neighborhood dog fights. Plus I’m not fond of feeling like I’m in a fish bowl when we walk around here and the nature trail is ripe with ticks. The vet said at Levi’s age cutting his food back would make more of a difference than increasing his exercise. I asked him if he’s ever been around a schnauzer when he's hungry. He laughed. “They do live up to their reputation for being stubborn, don't they.” Oh, yes, that’s an understatement. ©