Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Is Hell Going to Freeze Over?

I’ve always known this campus is a faith-based endeavor but it’s not an in-your-face kind of Christian denomination so it was easy for me to ignore what that would mean down the road after moving in, especially since there was no Litmus Test to pass to get accepted to live here. Had there been one, declaring that I’m an agnostic would not have put the odds in my favor for living here. I did check the box about not having a church or synagogue affiliation, so they knew that much about me.

At the first Monthly Residents Dialogue Meeting to iron out any issues we might be having the CEO started out by saying, “This is a faith-based campus so we’ll open with a prayer. It was a nice, generic prayer, nothing that could offend anyone of any faith (or no-faith). But---again!---I happened to be sitting next to one of the campus pastors who I met and liked at another event. (She's also signed up for the painting class. Do you think she's really after my soul?) At one point Ms Angel was asked to go up to the microphone and tell a little about her role here and I’m thinking, Ohmygod, am I going to get converted by her kindness when I least expect it? Will hell freeze over and I’ll turn into my favorite cousin?

My cousin is the most devoted do-gooder I know. She’s such a good and compassionate person always helping others, always charitable in her thinking. Same denomination of Christianity as I’m now living among and if I’m going to get converted at least I won’t be selling flowers on a street corner and pleasuring the cult leader when my younger sister-wives have their periods. Or am I getting the Moonies mixed up with the Mormons? Doesn't matter. I won't be pleasuring anyone but I make no promises about not selling flowers. I used to be a florist, after all and I could start painting them. One never knows.

The another woman at the meeting stepped forward to speak about a Champagne Reception being held, an inaugural event for women who “care about philanthropy, education, community partnerships and building social networks.” I will not be joining that group but it shows the caliber of women I’m surrounded by. Next week the campus is having what they’re calling, “A Week of Giving, with different opportunities to help the community every day.” I might have to join something that week to atone for a few sins I may have committed but conveniently can’t remember now…just in case there is a scoreboard with someone or something keeping track of such things. One day they'll be working at a place that makes Lavender Comfort Bunnies to give to kids going into the social services system and to dementia patients.

I finally got a neighbor living next door. She is on the Arts Council here and has been busy with a select group that is putting up original pieces of art in our public areas. I didn’t even know we have an arts council. When I asked how she got on the council she replied, “I was asked.” She’s not an artist herself, but I figure she must be somebody in our local art scene to be tasked with curating art for our walls. The CCC had our resumes` to glean life experiences from and I suspect her being asked also had to do with her checking the 'yes' box about wanting to do volunteer work on campus where I wrote 'maybe' in between the yes/no boxes. (Oops, I should have been more decisive.) The council's got a budget that has allowed them to buy some choice pieces from our city’s world famous Art Prize competitors.

I found out about this ‘secret-to-me' society by raving about the large painting that just went up in my hallway (image above) and my neighbor, Scottie-Dog’s Mom, said she chose it. Her Scottie reminds me of Levi---hence the nickname---and I was happy to see them move in last week. He’s a butter ball which seems to be true of all the dogs I’ve met here. One of them has a stroller that she rides the halls in and doesn’t get taken out until she’s across the street. That’s what I would have done with Levi to prevent accidents only before he died I was training him to ride in my grocery wagon.

There’s a Christian book club on campus and a secular book club. I joined the latter. And ohmygod if this wasn't a post loosely about spiritual growth and possible conversions I'd get snitty about something someone in book club at an earlier gathering. Let's just say that the Gossip Train has arrived on campus and The Engineer had a wicked gleam in her eyes as she repeated gossip that could leave a trail of little fires in its wake like grinding wheels on trains have been known to do along the tracks. Yes, I've found the first person to go on my Hell-No-We-Can't-Be-Friends list.  ©

53 comments:

  1. The Phase II life is moving right along. Christian book club? Join it and be the devil! I'm looking forward to the fashion and make up crowd. We have a few nearby spendy communities and everyone has on make up and coordinated outs WITH accessories. Although maybe my hats would count ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It’s not my style to purposely antagonize others because they have different opinions from me about religion.

      Here's my latest fashion report: I get to wear eyebrow pencil again so I won't feel naked in public. And I finally unpacked my tiny diamond studs to wear 24/7. These simple things make me feel good again.

      Delete
  2. Aren't you glad you praised that painting before you knew that your neighbor had chosen it? It could have been awkward--or, depending on your mood, fun--to have your neighbor snubbing you each time you crossed paths. I'm avidly following your posts, thinking about pitfalls I'd want to avoid if choosing a similar community. I'm certain I'd be adding that person to my HNWCBF's list, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I’m amazed at how gossip spreads, pulling on the littlest thread possible to build a who-dun-it or said it scenario. It's probably the same in all places---workplaces, schools, apartments, neighborhoods---but I haven't been around people enough in the past twenty years to witness it first hand. Just shocks me.

      Yes, I'm glad I did praise that painting and I'm glad it's in our hallway because it puts me in the right mood the minute I turn the corner by my door. I've seen some others hanging around campus I have not liked.

      Delete
    2. When my mother was living in a retirement home (it was kind of a cross between assisted living and full on nursing home) there was a group of ladies who were responsible for lighting little gossip fires that the manager had to continually put out. One time the word was the Mexican mafia had taken over our local bank. Needless to say, everyone was all a flutter. The manager had to have a bank officer come out and speak to the ladies and assure them that, no, that rumor was untrue. One friend of my mother's used to call that group of ladies "The Knotheads."

      Delete
    3. The Knotheads is a good name. LOL Thanks for sharing that.

      Delete
    4. The Knotheads used to park themselves in the wing chairs by the main desk so they could be at the center of the activity. The daughter of my mother's friend overheard them whispering about her when she was signing her mother out for a hair salon appointment.

      "Who does she think she is, signing her out just before lunch?"

      "Oh, that's her daughter."

      "Yes, she's the one who always wears those low-cut tops."

      Delete
    5. That's funny. Certain people do tend to sit near the entry to the cafe and restaurant where they can talk to everyone coming in.

      Delete
  3. Well, if it's any comfort, I'm Lutheran and a pretty committed Christian, but there's no way on earth I'd join a 'Christian book club, particularly since my view of the faith differs pretty radically from many of the most-committed faithful I live among. What's becoming clear from your accounts is that you're smack in the middle of the world at large, writ small. There's going to be immense pressure to go along to get along in certain areas, and some will suggest that resistance is futile. But it isn't. Culturally, I'm more of a rebel now than I was in my twenties, and you can be, too. Just be yourself, and don't let yourself get side-tracked by any other trains: gossip or otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will be me, I have no choice and I truly don't feel any outside pressure to do or join or be anything different. I've been living as the odd man out regarding religious thought since my early teens so I know how to avoid challenging others or being challenged. And I do respect other people who actually live their religion 24/7/465 like my cousin and others do. A near-death conversion? No one could ever pressure me into accepting that there is only one path to God/spiritual oneness with the universe. But the idea fascinates that some others really believe that accepting Jesus as their savor seconds before death is enough to wipe out a whole life-time of not believing.

      Christian Book Clubs are not uncommon around here. I've even read a few recommended books from their list just to see how they differ.

      Delete
  4. I think I will work my darnedest to keep my husband alive and make sure I go first...not sure I could go through all of this!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It’s a fun adventure, something new and different to think about for me.

      Delete
  5. Terrific post and more wonderful details about your new adventures at the CCC. I'm envious of the Scottie neighbor. Maybe she'll have you watch him when she travels?? Or even goes out for a while??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already thought about offering babysitting services. I'm fast friends with her Scottie as he likes to hang out on her deck. He's got the same profile as Levi did with his long eyelashes, eyebrows and beard. Makes me smile everything I see him.

      Delete
  6. Well, we don't have to like everyone we meet. We find our way and are polite to all and eventually gravitate to people we can relate to in one way or another. Sounds like you are keeping busy. Glad you are not falling for the gossip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I figure this place is a microcosm of the world at large. We meet all kinds of people and some we click with, some we don't.

      There is a difference in retelling something you think you know because you think it might help someone in trouble and retelling something because you want to create drama and enjoy watching the fall out. Gossipers can't do their intended damage if no one passes on what was said.

      I'm way busier than I thought I'd be. But that's a good thing.

      Delete
  7. Wow I wouldn’t want to get all dressed up with accessories, makeup and be on my best behavior. Too high fall falutent for me..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dressing up and makeup are second nature to those who had professional jobs. Plus because I literally haven't updated my wardrobe in two decades I'm pretty sure at first I was only seeing the ladies with style. I'm starting to see women less "done up" now. Before moving in it was always my intent to update my wardrobe in the spring after getting a read on what is 'normal' here. I will always be dressed in causal wear but do want to upgrade the quality of my clothing from caregiver-don't-care-sloppy to a happy widow-comfortable-in-her-own-skin look. I'm not happy with the way I look most days now.

      Delete
    2. For what it's worth, I have that same feeling just visiting one of my sisters. She loves fashion and pays attention to what is in style, even at 80, even during a pandemic. I'm younger but have always been much less interested. I had a job in investment banking that required a solid professional wardrobe, but since the pandemic I'm dressing a little too far down. Like you, I've spent a lot of time alone at home so who cares what I'm wearing! But also like you, when my world expands again, I will definitely spend some time online seeking some upgraded clothes.

      I was tasked with choosing the artwork for that investment banking firm. It was a really interesting experience because the four owners had such diverse tastes.
      Nina

      Delete
    3. Thank you for writing this. I was beginning to think I was failing to get my feelings across properly and instead was coming off too critical of my fellow residents here for the way they pay attention to their appearance. Not true. I want to be more like them on that score. It's really me that needs and wants to step out of the sloppy dressing trend I've been in after years of caregiving.

      Delete
  8. The painting well luck was on your side there........
    I wouldn't get all dressed up but I would want to look nice.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I guess it would be too much to hope that getting a group of older (supposed to be wiser) folks together would mean a more mature approach to everything and the end of gossip and other high-school type behaviours. Yep, colour me the (continually disappointed) eternal optimist!

    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why give a gossip that much attention? There's always one in every group.

      Delete
  10. A Hell-No-We-Can't-Be Friends List hopefully remains short, but I don't blame you at all for putting The Engineer at the Top of said List. I don't Trust a Gossip and malicious talk or betraying confidences of people she just met is a very negative sign and Red Flag indeed. It's very immature and disingenuous. Figuring out which Classes, Activities and Groups to join gives you lots of Options. I've met many Friends at such things we gravitated to and had a common interest in, Kindred Spirits find one another and tend to easily gel. I am always Guarded about developing new closer ties, I need to get to really know someone before I want it to be more than a loose tie for me... for a while lot of reasons. As The Son joked the other day, "Nope, all Friended Up"! *LOL*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is so much to do here that I know I'll find my tribe. Last night 12 of us sat at the big farm house table for 2 hours laughing.

      Delete
  11. Thanks for sharing your new adventures. 😊

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your post describes pretty much why I decided last year that moving into a retirement home was not for me. I'm happy (mostly!) with my own company, and do not like being dictated to for dress, beliefs, lifestyle, etc.

    But I do need to de-clutter, and your mammoth task in doing that is my inspiration to follow suit. ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Libby, no one is dictating dress, beliefs or lifestyle here. I need to be more careful in how I write my observations that you and a few others got that impression. It's a big place with lots of residents, visitors and employees so like every other place with that combination, there are going to be lots of variations in our collective human experiences. I don't feel anymore pressure to change anything other than That coming from within myself than I felt my entire life.

      Had a great time last night at the farmhouse community table with 12 others. 98& of the people here are really nice.

      Delete
  13. Oh, goodness. It had to happen. I feel like you do about religion being included in other matters. I'm sure you can handle them with finesse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can. And so far a single person has asked. Me where I go to church.

      Delete
  14. Perhaps your modem is burping.
    You are so brave about your choice of places to live.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a cookies thing. I can reply using my kindle which is a pain. But so far I can't figure out how to undo whatever changed to lock me out.

      Not brave just wanted to be proactive.

      Delete
  15. What an interesting journey - and one that maybe you did or didn't quite expect. I'm sure by next Spring you will have ironed out how you wish to "live" within it all.

    I belong to a group (not operating at moment due to lockdown in Auckland) where you have to belong to a least one sub group. I'd signed up for 2 options but as my health was a bit dicey, I dropped out of one. Finally I went to Film Fanciers and at the end of the first film in a suburb a bit far from here, got a new chauffeur, who lives very close to me...so when the main club met in a strange place, I got a ride.

    I will probably commit to some other subgroups when we are finally able to meet again. During the lockdown someone, from the committee has phoned me regularly...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There have been a few unexpected things but in a good way. For example, it's a busy place with something going on several times a day yet the floor where my apartment is in is so quiet it feels like I'm the only one living in my building. The best of both worlds at my finger tips.

      This place as a sister campus that's been around a very long time and they had a lockdown last year because of Covid. I followed their Facebook page was was impressed with how many things the staff did to keep spirits up...I'm sure it made a great difference to have someone calling you regularly.

      Delete
  16. The gossipers are probably my least favorite people around here. They know everyone's business or think they do and want to tell everyone what they know.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Just found your blog and I think I'm going to like it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think that would be the challenge. When you are in a neighborhood, you have distance between your homes and interactions but in any residential complex you are thrown together in a variety of ways -- eating, socializing, activities -- and sometimes that's not so good. I'd avoid the gossipers. And boy, if they find out you blog, you are in for it! And yet, it would be such a cool thing to be able to share or teach others who might enjoy it. Dilemma.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is possible to live here and be antisocial, never see anyone else. Especially in my building. I don't plan to be antisocial. Having people around is one of the reasons I wanted to move in the first place. This is a unique experience where many of us are looking for others who we gel with. But there's a lot of others here who still leave the campus daily to take part in activities from their in pre-move lives....church, clubs, gyms, etc.

      Chances of anyone here finding my blog are very slim. There are two very famous people who share my name and if someone googles it I get lost among tons fashion and music sites from overseas.

      Delete
  19. I don't know why there'd be a need for Christian and secular book clubs. Books are books, to be read and discussed. But what do I know? When I needed some jewelry repaired a woman suggested a Christian jeweler to me. To this day I cannot figure why his religious affiliation mattered when it came to fixing my necklace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Around here you directory guides to Christian owned businesses ha e been around I long time. It's no different than advertising women owned or black owned stores. Some people like to support their tribes so go speak.

      I fully understand why there is a need for two kinds of book clubs. I personally know people who won't read anything that doesn't come from a Christian bookstore. They want the promised endings like any other genre books. Someone always finds God.

      Delete
    2. This brought back the memory of when I was going to join a local Lutheran church when we first moved to Texas. They had a new member group to acquaint us with the church's teachings. The pastor was talking about the importance of baptism and one woman piped up and asked "So we should only associate with people who've been baptized?" She meant it in all seriousness. I had to chuckle because, at that point, I had never been baptized and it struck me as funny that here I was, someone she thought she was supposed to avoid. Were we supposed to carry some kind of baptism ID card or show some secret hand signal to let others know? Maybe you could have gotten a discount for your necklace that way!

      Delete
  20. Don't know how I missed this one. I am glad you at least had a choice of book clubs. When I moved here I learned quickly I had moved into the Bible Belt. I do have a tad of religion, usually who ever looks promising on TV on Sunday. Be interesting to see how you navigate these waters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a very liberal and accepting religion on this campus which hasn't been true of the greater area when I was younger. I will do fine. Lots of practice...

      Delete
  21. Whenever you have a large group of people in one place--whether it's for work or residence--subgroups/cliques are going to form. I taught at a high school with a huge staff, and there were gossips in each department. We knew who they were. We knew who the God Warrior types were, too. That's the nature of people.

    I'm glad you have a dog neighbor. I have a whole pack next door, and it makes me happy to have Dogs By Proxy. Offering Dog-Sitting Services might be a nice idea at some point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watching the forming of clicks and sub-groups here is something I find fascinating because I'm right on the ground floor of seeing it happen.

      One thing I need to get better at from a writing standpoint is learning how to make it clear that I'm writing about the people who stand out from the norm and that not everyone living here is cut out from a same pattern. I've been surprised by some of the replies I've gotten, too many to blame my misunderstood impressions on the reader rather than me, as the writer.

      Delete
  22. HaHa, such a funny post.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm late to this one....great post! I am loving your reports from the CCC. This is like having an embedded reporter -- or spy! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Someone was joking today while we were making hats for poor that she was going to start a newspaper to report on all the conversations we have. I kept my mouth shut but I wanted to say, "In 2021 you might want to start a blog instead of a newspaper."

      Delete

Thanks for taking the time to comment. If you are using ANONYMOUS please identify yourself by your first name as you might not be the only one. Comments containing links from spammers will not be published. All comments are moderated which means I might not see yours right away to publish through for public viewing as I don't sit at my computer 24/7.