Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

“The Gays” and Six Feet Under


Sometimes it’s easy to forget to filler myself when it comes to recommending a Netflix series to binge watch. At the lunch table recently, here at the continuum care facility, we shared what we were binging and without thinking of the content of my current obsession and the people present I recommended Six Feet Under to a couple of deeply religious women who have lived sheltered lives and don’t approve "the gays.” Six Fee Under is full of sex and nudity and not just ordinary sex, but gay sex. But the underlining theme in the series is so much more than that. A Rotten Tomatoes review sums it up like this: “Laced with irony and dark situational humor, the show approaches the subject of death through the eyes of the Fisher family, who owns and operates a funeral home in Los Angeles. Peter Krause stars as Nate, who reluctantly becomes a partner in the funeral home after his father's death.” Other reviews have called the Fisher family
dysfunctionaland I’d agree with that but five episodes in I became fully invested in the family---flaws and all.

A Guardian Review depicts the series much better than I could ever do: “Many of the show’s themes are incredibly difficult: hard drug use, sex addiction, abortion, dementia, to mention only a few. But just like its treatment of death, Six Feet Under doesn’t insert these issues for melodramatic effect, or use metaphors or workarounds to avoid facing the hard stuff. It invests in its characters and their struggles, unpacking the issues they face and finding shades of grey and, crucially, some kind of understanding and empathy.

“Outstanding scripting is also supported by some of the finest acting seen on the small screen – there’s a reason the cast received dozens of Emmy, Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild nominations over the life of the show, and won a swag of them too.

Everyone's family has a one or two gay people in their midst whether you know it or not. And while acceptance is better now than in past decades it’s still got to be a scary thing to openingly pin that label on yourself. One of the Fisher brothers is gay and the writer of the series is gay. In one interview Alen Ball (the writer) shared the fact that every situation that David Fisher was in was drawn from his own life experiences living at first in the closet and after coming out. One intense episode in particular had me sitting on the edge of my bed in the wee hours of the morning fearing that David was going to end up like Matthew Shepard, who you might remember was found on a fence in Wyoming after being beaten and tortured to death for being gay. That happened not long after I found out that someone I know and love is gay and it made an impact on me. Just this year, 25 years after they found Matthew, his mother said society’s acceptance of the gay community has recently been moving backward. One step forward, two steps back. Societal changes never take a straight line, do they.

I hate that organized religion has scapegoated our fellow human beings into becoming objects to hate. Biologists can explain until they are blue in the face that same-sex activities have been “observed in 1,500 animal species, from primates to sea stars, bats to damselflies, snakes to nematode worms” but it doesn’t get through to the haters. Logic suggests that these documentations in nature are an argument that same-sex behavior is not an 'unnatural choice' at all but rather part of the Master Plan. 

Research scientists are on the edge of being able to fully understand "the interplay of genetic, hormonal and environment influences that start before birth" to cause homosexual behavior. I used to call it a birth defect but in the light of those 1,500 other species I’m coming around to not using that label. And also there is a debate going on over calling it a birth defect because on one hand that is the same as calling those born gay “a mistake” and, some say, it's not a defect that needs fixing---what needs fixing is society's mind-set on the topic. On the other hand science is close to being able to do treatments in-utero to prevent any ambiguousness in sexual orientation and why not give those babies an easier life? Wouldn’t it be interesting to be able to come back to earth in a hundred years and see how all this pans out. 

Before I end this post I want to explain what it is about Six Feet Under that I love the most besides the gifted writing and acting i.e. it’s the death and dying conversations that often gives me food for thought long after I turn off the TV. The series ran for five seasons and each episode is a half hour long and each one opens with someone dying. Things that the grieving family say or ask while planning the funeral or things said at the funeral or the way the deceased lived dovetails into the life of one of the Fisher's---what they might be going through at the time. Some of the ‘conversations’ the embalmers have with the deceased in the embalming room also make it seem like a perfectly natural thing to talk to the dead as I do to my husband from time to time. 

So, after all this if you are curious enough to try this series give it until after the forth or fifth episode before giving up on it, if you do. It’s starts off a little weirder than we’re all used to seeing on TV and it took the director a few episodes to figure out what he was doing.  It's not going to be everyone's cup of tea but I'm glad I gave it a shot. 

(Side note here: Fans of Kathy Bates will see her directing talents in five episodes and her acting skills in two seasons.) ©

Quotes from Six Feet Under---
 
Tracy: “Why do people have to die?”
Nate: “To Make life important. None of us know how long we’ve got, which is why we have to make each day matter.”
 
Brenda: “You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow or widower. If you’re a child and you lose your parents, then you’re an orphan. But what’s the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that’s just too fucking awful to even have a name.”
 
Ruth: “Life doesn’t stop, alright. WE didn’t die. We have this precious gift of life and it’s so terribly fleeting, and that is precisely why it’s important to keep on living and not give up hope.”
 
Rabbi Ari: “Maybe your soulmate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most?”
 
Father Jack: “People might wonder what point there is in leading a life where you don’t touch any other lives. But it would be arrogant of us to assume that. Every life is a contribution, we just may not see how... Everyone comes into our life for a reason, and it is our responsibility to learn what they have to teach us.”
 
Nate: “I’m just saying you only get one life. There’s no God, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it’s over, it’s over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you’re here. Really? Why not?”
 
Nathaniel Sr.: “You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it’s worth something. Well let me tell ya, it’s not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.”
 
Keith: “When someone sees you as you really are and wants to be with you, that’s powerful.”
 
George: “The loss of a young person is always a terrible blow, but in this case, it’s even more cruel, because Nate was an idealist and he struggled all through his life to be a good man. He wasn’t perfect, then whom among us is? And he never gave up on himself or the people he loved, or even love itself, in all its vexing, beautiful forms.”

Brenda: “All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here now.”

Father Jack: “The hardest part about my work is the fact that most people don’t want a real relationship with God. Yeah sure, they’ll pray to a man nailed to a cross, but they’ll ignore the gay kid who gets strung up, or the black man who gets dragged behind a car, or someone’s mother living in a box.”
 
Nate quoting Bhagavad Gita while high and thinking the sage words were his own.

 
Until Next Wednesday...  
 

43 comments:

  1. Thanks for the recommendation. I'm afraid things will be going backwards unless a miracle keeps Trump from being elected again. 😟

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    1. We need that 'miracle' for so many reasons! What we need is for people to tune in to the next election and study issues and down ballot candidates as well as the top of the ticket.

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  2. One of my all time favorites! We didn't have HBO, but I got the DVD's from the library and watched it obsessively. The last episode about wrecked me -- I cried like a baby. Your analysis is spot on. When I saw it come up on Netflix, I knew I needed to watch it through again. It's on my list, but...so many shows, so little time. LOL.

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    1. After the holidays I'm going to watch it again. I'll fast forward through some parts. I can't believe how long this series has been around and never heard of it before.

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  3. Thanks for this post, Jean. It is an excellent series, one I've not seen for years. I'm glad it's on netflix and I'd gladly watch again if I had netflix still. (I might get it after the first of the year to watch The Crown). You're right about the issues in the series. It digs deep. And it's beautifully done. So, how did your pals react?

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    1. No one here to my knowledge tried watching it on my recognition. And when I was talking about it I didn't mention sex or the gay characters because I simply forgot there are people who are offended by sexual or gay content. The sitting in a funeral however turned people off and I didn't really get into much else before another series was brought up. (Thankfully) 'The Crown' is popular here too and they all say it's well done.

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  4. As you know, I don't binge watch anything, and live sans tv. If I decide to give something a look, it's generally a one-episode watch that I pick up on the computer. That said, even if I were a binger I'd pass on this one. I don't get the vapors and take to my fainting couch when I come across foul language, nudity, or tough topics, but honestly? Despite the awards and such, the quotations you offered seem pretty pedestrian: like the motivational memes that a friend insists on sending me.

    Beyond that, I live in a world where someone being gay is as close to a non-issue as can be. I have good friends who are gay, and I have gay readers who stop by my blog. As for organized religion, forty years or so ago an openly gay fellow was the head of the altar guild at my church, and I still use his recipe for the wheat bread we used at communion. If anyone had an issue with him, it wasn't the church council, the ladies of the altar guild, or the congregation generally.

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    1. It's definitely not a show everyone or even most people will like. And you nailed it on the motivational memes because the quotes at the bottom of my blog were all made into memes from the show. LOL I've said this before that I'd love to be a meme creator. So many choices in life, running out of time.

      Around my part of Michigan churches are still debating whether or not gays should have a part in leadership. A guy in my writing group just a few months ago was writing church policy on the topic. Teens living on the street are often gays whose families have disowned them and until that statistic changes we can't say it's a non-issue. Your saying that homosexuality is a non-issue where you live (in the south) is really interesting. Maybe your world is smaller and more carefully edited than mine? By nature we humans do seem to surround ourselves with others who think the same way.

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  5. What a great review of a show I haven't seen. I suspect it is tiring to try to remember who is offended by what but hopefully your own community of accepting friends is growing within the larger community.

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    1. With only 70 something people living here in 55 apartments it's easy to know each other. I just forget sometimes that I'm on the very liberal end of the spectrum than a few of the others who have lived very sheltered lives. Our Tuesday night liberal ladies dinner group has grown to 12 now and the conservatives are also well known and do have their little click as well. We all get along well but I hold back a lot when it comes to certain topics as I'm sure others do to for the sake of harmony in the greater community.

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  6. By golly, now I am going to give it a try! I love a recommendation of a series with more than 2 seasons. During the strike, I had to go back in time ... currently watching 9 seasons of Little House on the Prairie. I recommend a movie, The Burial (on Amazon), ... based on a true story! But I am also anxiously waiting for the more current shows come back on air.

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    1. 'Little House on the Prairie' was so popular when my nieces were young. My husband was stuck on reruns of 'Barry Miller', 'Friends' and 'M^A*S*H.' Currently I am caught up in 'The Big Bang Theory'. I have Amazon prime but have never tried their TV shows and movies. I need to do that sometime.

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  7. we watched "6 feet under" without fail ..but maybe it's time to watch it again. My daughter and grand daughter have many friends in the gay and transgender world...

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    1. I was surprised at how old the series is. (2001 to 2005). I plan to re-watch it again after the holidays because I know I fell asleep during parts of it.

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  8. Six feet under is a show I watched for the first season but then lost interest, at the moment I don't watch much telly anymore

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    1. I often get bored with a series after the first or second season.

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  9. I loved this show! At times it was very uncomfortable to watch because the acting and writing was so good I was right THERE with the characters, feeling what they felt. I echo others’ comments that maybe it is time to watch it again!

    Deb

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    1. I didn't even know it was a decade old until after I watched it and researched it for this post. The writing is so raw and real and, yes uncomfortable at times to watch. I like that in a series. Much like M*A*S*H full of dark humor and serious tops that people are handling as best they can.

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  10. My very favorite character is Ruth.....She is so crazy/funny/. Such acting! Roberta

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    1. Oh my god, her acting has amazed me more than a few times. She reminds me of a menopausal-crazed woman quite often and the writer puts her in situations that seem so honest and real.

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    2. I watched it many years ago when it was on HBO. As soon as I saw it on Netflix, I had to watch it all the way through again. I sobbed through most of the last episodes.

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    3. I plan to watch the last episode again. I think I was in shock when I saw it.

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  11. We were devoted watchers of this series on HBO during it's run. It was must see TV. We recorded it weekly. I loved the show. I saw an interview years later with Peter Krause (Nate) where he said it took a while to shake that characters darkness, that it took a toll on him and he needed to find his next job to be more light hearted. I can see that. It won several Emmy's and deservedly so.

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    1. The interview I saw of the writer said that he basically the same thing, that the show exhausted him and he didn't want to renew the contract that was offered.

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  12. I haven't seen this Series, so I may check it out now, sounds interesting and different. Death and Dying are topics so many people avoid, as if it's not a natural and inevitable end for all Living Things. As for the Gay discussion, well... those who find excuses to vilify or Hate any other Human Being have always been a perplexing Mystery to me. Becoz that seems far more unnatural and truly perverse to be Cruel or Hate filled. Why some Beings are attracted to the same Sex is far less Mysterious to me and since so many Species exhibit the behavior and attraction, probably far more Normal and Natural IMO.

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    1. I'm kind of shocked that you haven't seen this series. I guess I assumed with your gallows humor and love of ghoulish decor that the title of this series alone would have pulled you in.

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    2. I don't even know why I haven't even heard of it, but, believe it or not, I don't watch much TV and before I met The Man, didn't even own one!

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    3. You've been married a long time. Not owning a TV back then wasn't so unusual. I don't watch much regular TV either. I mostly binge watch movies and series.

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    4. I binge watch a few myself and am rather sad when they're over. *LOL*

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  13. Wow. Did your dinner friends get back to you

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    1. Nope and I'm not surprised as 'death' and 'funeral homes' was a turn off with me not even mentioning the gays in the series. So I don't expect anyone here to watch it.

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    2. You've convinced me to see whether it's available to me (Prime and Netflix). I've gotten steamed up a time of two when friends insist on the "lifestyle decision" people. I tell them if it's a decision, it was one my brother made before he was two. Dad had begun taking his stuffed toys away from him by then, trying to toughen him up. Afraid of who he was.

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    3. I've heard other parents say they could tell early on and tried to change the course of nature, so to speak. Hope your dad came to accept your brother.

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  14. I'd heard of this, but it's not currently on my radar. I'm trying to watch more 'fluff' tv right now. I need a break from anything heavy and dramatic. To paraphrase Wordsworth, "The world is too much with me, late and soon."

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    1. I get that. I usually watch a half hour comedy after I watch something heavier. I've been known of veg out on Hallmark movies too when real world issues are too much to handle,

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  15. Such a good post! Mostly because your views are so common sense and decent. I agree with anyone who rejects hate and 'othering'. So pointless and destructive!

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  16. Aaargh. I need to retrain myself to double check the 'Comment as:' when I post. I've done that a few times of late.

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  17. I watched Six Feet Under years ago, renting DVDs from the local video store. We would check out maybe 3 or 4 episodes, then rush back to the store to trade them in for 4-5 more. Loved it so much from the first episode. I still haven't watched Dexter because I want to keep David in my head. The series really had a profound impact on me and my thinking about death/afterlife. I'm kinda saving rewatching it for when the weather gets bad and I need something really engrossing!
    Nina

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    1. I want to watch it again too. It's just that good, isn't it.

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  18. I will shout loud and long without giving anything away that Six Feet Under has the best series finale of any drama series on TV, old or new.

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    1. I finally got to the end and watched that last episode two times. It really does have a satisfying ending.

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