Report From Pain City, USA

A Recent Dream: I was sitting in a classroom with just a small towel wrapped around me and I kept pulling on it, hoping it would cover my ‘ya-ya’ but it wasn’t doing a very good job. My dearly departed husband was sitting in the front row talking to another woman but before the class was over she left, he followed. I watched them through the window in the door and try as I might, I couldn’t chase after them. He had the car keys and I was stranded, left behind without a second glance! That’s when I woke up and discovered my knee seemed to be frozen in place and any attempt to straighten my leg shot a terrible pain through my thigh. I keep a cane near my bed because I often wake up with foot cramps that need to be walked off to make the cramp go away. I used it to hop to the bathroom, each hop causing unbearable pain. I fully intended to get dressed and find someone to take me to emergency afterward. But first I sat on the toilet and when I got back up a miracle happened. I could straighten my leg and the pain was completely gone! The episode scared the starch out of my illusions of being self-sufficient because without that cane I would have been stuck in bed and you know what would have happened next. Yup, I’d have peed my pants and have to use the I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up button around my neck. 

A few days later I had an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon to get the results of my bone density test and I described the above episode to him---minus the parts about dream, my naked ‘ya-ya’ and the fear of wetting the bed. He guessed the pain didn’t come from my replacement knee---my guess---but rather from a pinched nerve between one of the bad vertebrates in my back and if it happens again, I need to come back in for more x-rays. Oh goodie, I just had a full set taken from my neck to my knees. They proved, by the way, that the once-a-day shots I’ve been doing to build my bones from the inside out actually did some good. They brought my numbers up to one point over dreaded line where you can expect fractions by just doing ordinary things like getting out of a chair which, of course, ended my aspirations of being roller derby queen when I first found out about my bad bones. 

I asked the doctor if being over ‘the line’ means I have to go back to getting bone density scans every two years instead of every year. And he said, “Good question” and explained that most insurance companies won’t pay for it yearly when you’re over ‘the line.’ “But,” he added, “I’ll cover the cost of a yearly scan if your insurance company won’t. Just let me make a note in your records about what I just said.” I love that guy. When the local hospital decided that all orthopedic surgeons had to use the same brand-name and size joint replacement parts regardless of  a patient's body type, weight or sex he and a few other bone doctors in town built their own surgical center.

Today I made a second trip out to the online auction house in the country. This time I took twenty items. They start everything out at a dollar regardless of estimated value so it will be scary watching the first batch go live. I’m making good progress in my garage. I’ve also called the recycling center to find out how to recycle old computers, printers and telephones and I have some of those things to drop off next week. While purging out there I discovered several large and totally empty boxes, who knew! It was a gift from the land of creating space. I’m feeling very good about my summer goal in the garage---to completely strip it of things I don’t want, don’t need and won’t move when I sell. 

Levi my Mighty Schnauzer had to get some dental work done today. He had nine teeth pulled in addition to the nine they pulled last summer. Poor guy, he’s only got 24 left. In two and a half years my “doggie care account” will be drained and he’ll be toothless. He’s such a baby about pain; he’s walking around whining and looking at me as if to say, “Can’t you help me?” I'm not a very good mother when it comes to brushing his teeth so I have to suck it up regarding the cost, but this year we’ll be trying a daily spray to keep his gum disease in check. I need to remember weeks like this when I get it into my head that I want a second dog. 

I need a nap. I got up too early every day this week and I’ve had a hard time falling asleep a few times at night. I’m worried I’ll wake up in pain again and my ‘ya-ya’ will be naked when the ambulance guys come to haul me away. ©