Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Confessions from the Downsizing Front


 It’s early in the morning and I did my best to sleep in. It didn’t work. Last night I took an Ambien sleeping pill because for a week I’d been waking up every two hours and having trouble falling back to sleep. I felt sleep deprived because---duh!---I was. The pill helped in the sense that I only woke up once during the night but by 7:00 the sounds of birds chirping and far-away dogs barking in their back yards woke me up and try as I might I couldn’t will myself to ignore them. Getting up with the birds is happening often enough that I’ve thought about digging out the ear plugs I used when my husband was alive to block out his snoring but if I did that I won't be able to hear if an axe murderer sneaks into the house. Levi likes company so all he’d do is smell his boots, wag his tail and Jedi-mind message the guy to follow him into the room where I sleep.

My husband was a sound sleeper so I don’t know why I trusted him to wake up during a ‘Here’s Johnny,’ Jack Nicholson moment, but I did. He wouldn’t start a fight in a million years but he wouldn’t have backed down from one either if he couldn’t man-to-man talk his way out of one. I swear he was good enough with his mouth that he could have left the axe maniac in The Shinning laughing instead of chasing people around. God I miss that man. He worked hard and played hard and although he wasn’t much for sweet-talking he had a deep, country-song-singer's voice that could get the job done better than any of my romance book boyfriends. I miss his voice, too. I heard it on tape recently and once again decided that downsizing sucks the stuffings out of all your best memories.

Getting up that early makes me feel old. I’ve never been a morning person but by this time next year, I’ll need to change my mind-set whether I want to or not. Once I’ve moved to the continuum care campus were I’ve put money down on a unit being built I’ll need do get up early because my unit is just off the lobby and across from the gym and all those old people I’ll be living near will be coming and going to get their yoga-at-dawn workouts in. Shoot me if I ever talk about signing up for that class. I don't do sunrises or wear pants that look like they've been spray-painted on. These are the details that wake up in the middle of the night and I get obsessed with questions like when will I be taking my showers? Now I do it around 11:00 after spending time on the computer and having my breakfast at 10-ish. But now I can just let Levi out the back door to his dog pen to take care of his morning needs. I’ll have to get dressed and walk him. The idea of taking a shower early in the morning or late at night makes me gag like a cat with a hairball…makes me wake up in the middle of the night vacillating between 'I'll hate doing that' and 'I’ll cowgirl up, make it happen even if I have to give myself a new secret agent name of Mary-F-Morningstar!' And the 'F' won't stand for Frannie if you get my meaning.

And that brings up another downsizing decision that has caused my eyes to pop wide open in the middle of the night. Do I sell Don’s favorite Stetson cowboy hat or keep it? I sold his other Stetson earlier this year but the hat he’s wearing in the photo above, I’m having trouble letting it go. Even used they’re not cheap but am I willing to exchange it for money I don't really need? And don't suggest I gift it to someone. I live in Michigan. Aside from migrant farm workers no one here wears cowboy hats. Dressing in Western attire was Don's happy place, the equivalent of wearing a Kris Bryant jersey and hat to show support for the Chicago Cubs. The song, I Should have Been a Cowboy easily could have been written with Don in mind. Me in mind, too, if truth were told. I recently sent my framed postcards of Gene Autry off to the auction house. That star of old black and white westerns was my first love.

But I am excited about another downsizing project I accomplished this week (see the photo below). Even before the son-I-wish-I-had moved one of my oak bookshelf units out of the library and into the laundry room I started plotting what would go on it. I thought it was silly to sell a good oak piece and buy a cheap metal or plastic utility shelf that I’ll need in my future laundry room for everything from pantry items to shoes to mittens to appliances to medical stuff. I unloaded the wall cabinets in my present laundry room, a shelf in the garage and a few things from other places to fill up my now ready-to-move organized shelf. I’ve got some small chalkboard label tags coming from Amazon that will attach to the baskets, then I’ll be finished. Not all of those gray baskets have stuff in them in, one row is earmarked for pantry goods that won’t fit in new, limited kitchen cabinets. My future unit doesn’t have a closet near the main door, but the laundry room is near-by so another row of the gray boxes holds hats, gloves, scarves and Levi’s walking gear.

The hard-to-get-into white boxes on the third row up from the bottom hold medicines, vitamins, and stuff like a blood pressure monitor, cold/hot packs and other health related junk no one needs to see. I’ve never kept prescription medications in a bathroom or out on the countertops because I’ve known a few people who pilferaged meds from family and friends to abuse or sell on the street, and with a housekeeper and other service people in the house, I’d rather not make it easy for someone to lock themselves in a bathroom and rummage through my medicine cabinet. That being said, here’s my parting Public Service Announcement which might make me sound paranoid but drug addiction is a serious problem in this country and we all need be aware of how we might unknowingly be feeding into it: When you’ve had surgery don’t leave your pain pills out in the open. Don’t hold on to unused pain pills once you’re recovered. And don't flush them! Take them to a prescription pill collection box. Here, they’re in the lobbies of police stations. Call around to find out where to drop them off. You might save another family a whole lot of grief. ©


45 comments:

  1. Our Walgreen's has a pill deposit box in their pharmacy/wellness clinic area. I just dump all the meds in a zip-top plastic bag and drop them in.

    I suppose you could take your husband's Stetson with you and put it on a table or hook someplace if you really don't wish to part with it. Even placing it on a shelf in the closet would not be a terrible sin as long as you know it's with you.

    You're allowed to be Sentimental.

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    1. I had to laugh at your last sentence. Being sentimental is my downfall.

      Right now the hat is sitting on top of 7 foot tall bookcase I'm taking with me. It doesn't fit the beach cottage look I'll be going for in my new decor but I'm leaning toward keeping it. I put a hint on my Facebook page today of some stuff like that hat, a butcher's block/island, dollhouse and fire hydrant that needs a new homes. If someone expresses an interest an any of them, I may gift them.

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    2. Keep the hat if it brings you good memories. But it seems like you have lots of stuff from Don that take up far less room. Why not give it to a migrant worker? That Stetson would be happy on the head of a hard working person in the off hours. It would be loved and cherished and taken care of as that person continued their rise in the American dream. Just my thought.
      I am doing the same with my oak shelves. One set will go in the laundry room. I am going to have someone make doors over the top three shelves for cleaning stuff. Otherwise, it will be a good pantry piece.

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  2. I'd keep that hat. What a cool picture and the hat helps to make it so. Had to laugh at Levi showing the axe murder where you slept. Callie is of the same mindset. Any new person regardless of intent is totally welcome and brings on her happy dance. Maybe I'll hear her toenails on the floor as she dances towards my bedroom:)

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    1. That's the direction I'm leaning right now.

      Dogs can tell the people with good intent or not, can't they. Levi and the dog we had before him both only reacted negatively to one person each and I never trusted those people after that.

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  3. What a lot of memories that hat must trigger for you. No need to let go of all your treasures!

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    1. It does bring good memories because he only wore the hat when we were going some place fun or our yearly trips out West.

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  4. Breakfast at 10ish? Oh I wish i could do that. I am the early person going to yoga in leggings. :-) I'd keep the hat Jean. Why not? It's small and it is meaningful

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    1. My late mornings is a hangover from working working 3rd shift for 17 years and my husband for 32. In retirement never needed to change.

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  5. keep the hat Don was so handsome, you guys have had some rich romantic history between you two, I bet that hat will bring back so many sweet memories, why part it, enjoy.

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    1. I don't think I am going to part with it. You guys are confirming that sometimes you've got to give in to sentient.

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  6. Ah, what a great picture and I love the hat. I would keep it. And I had to laugh at your comment about those hats in MI. I bought a fun cowboy hat in Sedona one year and decided to wear it home on the plane, because morning hair. When we landed in Minneapolis, I got some really strange looks walking between gates. But nothing like I got when I landed here at home. I don't think I've worn it since, except for a Western day at one of my jobs. LOL. But I still love it.

    As for morning dog walks, they are the height of casual in my world. Baseball caps, leggings, sweatpants, really anything that looks presentable. If you could see me in some of my early morning dog walk outfits, you would be appalled. haha. Who cares?

    I love that shelf and how organized it is! I am still sorting and trying to fit a lot of things into small spaces, and I'm measuring and hunting for the right sizes baskets for our storage. DH is finally realizing he can't keep everything he brought, and when he sets something aside to get rid of, I quickly put it in my trunk and head for Goodwill before he changes his mind. Ha!

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    1. Love your cowboy hat story. Don didn't care if he didn't fit in to Michigan dress codes and I don't remember anyone giving him strange looks. I think because he cowboy gear was not tourist grade and people may have thought he was from out West.

      Good to know about dog walking attire. I'm thinking if I could just get used to sleeping in winter and summer weight sweats I could just jump out of bed, walk the dog and keep my normal hours and be ready to socialize but noon.

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    2. I live downtown in a big mid-Atlantic city, and own a dog. I second what was said about early morning dog walking duds. Living by myself, I usually sleep in whatever my first layer of clothes will be as I step out the door first thing with the dog. Depending on the season, it might be a tank top and underpants, or a long-sleeved tee shirt and silky long johns - anything to make getting 'dressed" early in the morning easier. I've even been known to stuff a nightgown into my jeans, throw on a jacket, and go. Carol

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    3. You made me laugh with the nightgown stuffed in your jeans. I love to sleep in nightgowns and long night shirts. I could SO see me doing that in the winter when I cold hide them under a jacket. I picked my unit because it was the closest to the outside door and I picked the campus because it's got lots of trees and trails for Levi to explore. I'm not looking forward to dog walking as often as I'll have to do but it will be really good for both of us.

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  7. Yes to keeping your meds in a safe place.
    I know what you mean about when to take your shower. I'm a morning person. There's no doubt about that, but I've become very lazy about things since quarantine. I have a cup of coffee. I watch a little news. I have a cup of tea. The only day I get up and moving early is the morning I go to the grocery store. I have to get there early to avoid people.
    Keep Don's stetson. Keep it!

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    1. I went to the store today. What used to be fun is not anymore. I was there at 1:00 it wasn't very busy at all, but hot!

      You all helped me to decide I'm keeping that hat. I'm probably going to print the photo of him wearing it to place near-by.

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    2. Great idea to put the hat near the photo.

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  8. Yes, honor your sentimentality! The hat and the photo will make a super vignette of your past and of him. I'm not an early morning gal either, so I take the dog out in my robe for the morning pee. Sometimes I slap on a hat to cover the morning look. Then I get dressed after coffee and take him out for a walk.

    I LOVE the laundry shelf!!

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    1. I'm truly hoping some of the other dog owners will take their dogs out wearing their bathrobes, especially late at night. Sometimes I can't know until I'm there.

      I love the way the shelf turned out, especially know that the chalkboard tags came.

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  9. What a handsome man your husband was. Keep the hat that sat on that beautiful head.

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  10. Here you can take any unused or no longer needed medications to any chemist to be dispossed of

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    1. That's pretty handy! Here, it's a hit and miss thing, some take them some don't. You have to call ahead.

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  11. I wouldn't be able to part with the hat.

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  12. Ever since I’ve read your blog you’ve been selling, gifting and otherwise disposing of huge loads of possessions. Either you must have a mansion to live in or an ordinary sized house crammed full. Both you and your husband must have been mad keen collectors and amassers of ‘stuff’, for want of a better word.

    You could wear your earplugs again in the new unit because there’s hardly going to be an axe murderer among your fellow residents. Save your being woken at the crack of dawn.

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    1. No mansion by anyone's standards. Just an average 1,600 square feet house with a full basement and a 3 stall garage. We both bouhgt and sell a lot of collectables in our life time---we had vendor booths and did shows after we retired. Most of our collectibles were smaller than a half dollar but a lot of them and all nicely displayed.

      Ya, the earplugs might come in handy again. I've never lived in an apartment building before (except in college) so I don't know how noisy it will be even during the day time.

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    2. A suggestion to tuck away for when you move: buy some EZ Sliders and ask the movers to use them when they place the furniture. Even a heavy oak bookcase, filled, will be easy for you to move yourself. Just make sure to buy the right size for the weight of the piece.

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    3. That's a great tip. I have several bookcases like the one photographed above that I'm taking with me.

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  13. Why not keep the Stetson and hang it on the wall of your new place as decor? Apparently it's all the rage with the hipster crowd, to hang their hats decoratively (when not on their noggins). Love your storage solution - very attractive! I hope you get to be loving early mornings and - dare I say it - sunrises, Jean! One of my favourite times of the day...

    Deb

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    1. If it was tourist grade straw hat it would fit right in with the beach cottage look I'll be going for. I've got so much art to pare down to the limited wall space I'll have that the hat can't go on a wall, but high on the bookshelf where it sits now is wear I'll probably leave it or even in my master closet on a shelf. Am going to keep it though.

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  14. Downsizing is such a difficult job. I don't know how I will ever manage to unload all of the crap that is in my home. I have stuff from my grown kids (who don't have room yet) and even a pile of my ex-husband's stuff (he moves around a lot). I could use a big dumpster! But, I am not ready to move so I'll stay put until I cannot manage the stairs. Luckily my oldest son lives with me or I wouldn't be able to keep up with everything.
    Oh, and you will be glad you kept the hat!

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    1. If I had it to do over I would have downsized long before I decided to move, when there was no pressure or time table. Right now I'm suffering arm pain from a botched surgery that at some point will have to be repeated and put me in a cast/arm sling for 12 weeks. I just know it will happen when I can least spare the time.

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  15. Keep the hat. You can keep it displayed, hang it on the wall, put it atop your delightfully organized oak bookcase/laundry room piece, turn it upside down and put silk blooms in it every now and then, or wherever you like. You can always bid it farewell later if you choose. There isn't a time clock on decisions for special things.

    And keep your shower at ll. Have your Levi clothes easy to pull on -- they don't have to be fancy, who else will be out then, anyway? -- walk him short but what he needs and come back to do your thing and shower when you darned well feel like it.

    You are allowed to do, be, save, whatever you want or need on the timetable you choose (more or less). Moving is hard enough and I know I couldn't do all you've done already. Don't make it harder on yourself.

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    1. Levi will need to go out about five times a day so I plan his longest walk in the late afternoon and his shortest first thing in the morning and at bedtime. There is supposed to be a dog bag waste trash deposit on a poll just across the street from my unit so that will be handy.

      "Levi clothes" I like that.

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  16. I vote for Keeping Don's Fav Stetson and finding a way to Display it, perhaps a small Western Vignette of some kind since you clearly like that and may not have parted with everything yet? Planning out how Life will look once you Move is always difficult, but something definitely to look forward to. Anxiety about it is common, every Move I always had a certain amount of that too as my Mind raced about minuscule trivia. *LOL* In a way it might be part of the excitement about it? Why not the Early Morning Yoga Class? Sounds Zen to me and a great way to start the Day, but wear loose gear and not the clingy ensembles. *LOL* Pre-downsizing is best, I did a lot before each Move but would have to become an Immortal I think to finish the Job/Task?

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    1. I have actually sold all the western stuff except large art pieces that I need to work on this fall.

      Before the pandemic they had Yoda at the senior class and I just know it's not for me---too slow. I loved cardio drumming, and the time flew by. The CCC's other campus has both classes so I'm hoping there will be enough interest to bring it to my campus.

      I don't know how you lived through your downsizing and in and out of storage units. Actually, I do because that's the same approach I took after Don's stroke and I did it with about as much time has you had. It's very stressful, but going THIS slow is stressful too.

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  17. I guess I could never live in one of those places. I don't get up until 8-9..usually nine. Like you, i spend a couple of hours on the computer and shower at 11:00. I'd want to eat breakfast and lunch in my room because I don't become awake enough to be nicely sociable until around 2:00. By then they'd all be taking their naps--which I also don't do. BTW-I love those shelves with the baskets!! AND DO NOT sell the Stetson. Use it in your decorating--on the mantle? on the bedpost? on the back of one end of the couch? on the headrest in the passenger seat of your car?

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    1. It's independent living where we set out own schedules. I'm just anticipating that because I'll be so close to lobby and gym that it will be noisier than the units by deeper into the building. I didn't want to have to walk down long hallways to get outside. It's a trade off. My afternoons will still be for running errands appointments and shopping.

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  18. JOARED: Bloggers is acting up and won't put your comment through that I can see on my dashboard so I've cut and pasted it below.

    Yeah, those early hours wouldn't appeal to me either. My meal schedule would be off kilter for when the dining room served, too, much of the time. But sometimes we have to adjust our life styles when life dictates change is necessary. I’ve kept a brand new jaunty type hat the kids and I went to a lot of trouble to find through research on the internet we gave my husband — one identical to a favorite sporty style of his that was worn out. He never got to wear it but I can’t bring myself to part with it. I love the different solid woods in furniture so can appreciate you want to keep the oak bookcase. I have a number of Ethan Allen maple pieces in living room and bedroom but they seem not to be valued as they once might have been; a couple cherry antique pieces that were my grandmother’s that probably won’t be valued by anyone now either.

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    1. Meals are not going to be at any special times because the place will have two restaurants were we can go anytime and order off a menu, plus I'll have a full kitchen. We'll get a food card and can use it any time of the day at either restaurant---even order it for delivery.

      Ethan Allen furniture is great, I had a poster bed from there and loved it, had to sell it after my husband's stroke.

      We have a wool cap in our family that was my dad's that has a similar story as your husband's. I don't have it but we all wanted to keep it.

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  19. I'll add my voice to the "keep the hat" crowd. It could make a nice wall display.

    Like you, I have trouble sleeping through the night. Between my always-on mind and an old man's bladder, multiple wakeups are normal. I have used Ambien for years because nothing else worked. Because of its power and advice for those over 65 to reduce or eliminate its use, I have been able to cut each pill in half. That dose is usually enough and means a 30 day refill last two months...all good.

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    1. My doctor would prefer I use over-the-counter sleep aids but they just don't work for me. I've never taken over 1/2 tablet, though, and I don't take them every night. I get super stressed out when I can't sleep too many nights in a row. The pandemic isn't helping that.

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  20. Lots of positive replies on the Stetson - which I'm sure will help you on that memory matter.

    One of my contacts moved into a similar sort of village here in NZ and she said it was the much older and shouldn't be in such a unit, neighbours that caused a lot of problems ... every time she opens her door, some one would out there causing issues.
    Maybe the sound proofing will mean you won't be bothered with the extra noises or you will get attuned them and be sleeping soundly whenever you want...

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    1. I am concerned about the noise factor, never having lived in a multi-unit place before. No matter where you live you have something. Here, it bonfire smoke at night coming from several neighbors. I am losing my hearing so that will help. LOL

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