Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Do Bold Things, Live Large---or Not

It’s Saturday morning and I should be half finished with writing a post for next week but inspiration isn’t coming. I have a file of possible topics to write about when my muse leaves me and even that file is uninspired. It’s filled with poems and half written posts---some I just deleted because their timing has come and gone. Also in that file I’d bookmarked several pages at Advanced Style Magazine. That internet based fashion blog for older women both fascinates me and revolts me at the same time. I would never in a hundred years dress like those women but I’d love to have the self confidence to do it, not to mention the money. It would cost a fortune to come up with the costume quality of their unique looks day after day as they walk the streets of New York.

Sue Kreitzman (photo above) was born a year after I was and is the author of many cookbooks. She's also a pop-culture artist who’s been featured a time of two at Advantage Style and she says when she leaves the house she wants to take her art with her and she likes to push the envelope to one step below looking like a clown. In an i-D Vice article about Sue they included a CCN video tour of her New York apartment and I don’t know about you, but it would drive me to Crazyville to live with that Colorful Clutter Fest. (When I'm not trying to be a Nice Nancy, I'd call her apartment a hoarder's nest.) I do admire her philosophy of life, though, but I couldn’t live it. “Be bold, be adventurous. Do profound things, dazzle yourself and the world. Contribute to society, and live large. Life is short, make every moment count. It is never too late to find your passion.”

My passion at the moment is watching the first squirrel I’ve seen since I moved here last October. The complex just put landscape bark down around some steam vents opposite my den window and the Fox squirrel is having a grand old time digging it up to find nuts that he then goes all over our green space to find a place to relocate the nuts underground. One nut, though, he took to our piazza which is all cement except for a 2’ x 10’ strip of bark around some shrubbery. And that’s where the little ‘genius’ choose to bury it. Another time he took a nut on a full tour of the green space only to come back to bury the thing two feet from where he found. Inquiring minds want to know how did the squirrel know to come across the green space from the woods beyond to look for nuts in the bark?

Back to Sue. She says something else that I find amusing: “I am not really an old lady, just cleverly disguised as one.” You can bet money that I’ll find a way to work that into a conversation around here and that’s about as profound and bold as I’m getting these days. Except for the fact that I’ve been eating my lunch alone on the piazza lately so who knows how long I’ll have to wait to say it. Others here say it’s too hot out there but for someone who is always cold from anemia it feels great even if occasionally it’s like eating in a wind tunnel. The piazza overlooks a lake and the wind coming across it blew the sunglasses right off my face once and chair cushions from the decks that over look the piazza are routinely banged up against the resident’s glass doors.
According to the IT guy the wind is responsible for the bad TV reception in the lakeside apartments. It cuts in and out. I love hearing the cons about owning one of those apartments with the fabulous views. It keeps my jealousy at bay. The wildlife they get to see every day, all day long is like a stop at Diary Queen or Starbucks to me---an occasional treat. I’ve got the squirrel. They’ve got swans, geese, ducks, herons, egrets, turtles bigger than dinner plates, three foot koi, hawks and harriers. 
Do bold things, live large. That advice from Sue sounds good but its not that easy to follow and I question if people who are "on" all the time, who are always looking for the next bold thing to do, might be trying too hard to be happy? I would also question if anyone whose living space is a hoarder’s nest is truly happy. Sue’s apartment is a colorful, well organized hoarder's nest that gets photographed and praised because she's well known but so was Howard Hughes before his eccentric behavior, his obsessive-compulsive disorder took over his life. Rich hoarders fascinate us but poor hoarders who live in gray mountains of plastic bottles and old newspapers we report to our the zoning boards.
One might make a solid case for there being a difference between hoarding and collecting. According to the Mayo Clinic website the difference is that collectors search for specific items where a hoarder can’t part with anything. Sounds good on paper but I say there is a lot of overlapping of the two. Haven’t we all seen collections that have taken over someone’s life? Doll collectors, Avon bottles back in the day. Someone living here has over 200 blue bottles in her one bedroom unit. 
We knew an artist once who saw beauty and value in broken things. He wanted a worn out broom my husband took off his street sweeper because he saw it as the body of mythical creature/sculpture. A few years later that artist was fighting with the zone board because his rusty metal sculptures took over his yard. All marked for sale, but marked so high no one would buy them. We had tried to buy the dragon with the old street sweeper body but the artist kept raising the price because he couldn't let his 'baby' go even knowing the city was breathing down his neck to get rid of it all. I suspect that’s true of a lot of the 'art' in Sue’s apartment. ©

 Photo at top by Michele Martinali

46 comments:

  1. This is an interesting post and info on the eccentric artistic woman. I do wear colorful clothes but in a simple style. She is definitely over the top and pleases herself. Like you said she might be a hoarder.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fortunately, we need not wish to emulate another to admire their lifestyle or quirks. We each get to live our own life. My own hoarding tendencies are most on display in the many, many small jars of small bits of hardware (nuts/bolts/screws/etc) that I can't seem to throw away. My husband is very tolerant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am into having jars full of things, too, like stones, sea shells, watches, buttons, marbles. I got the decorating idea from Dawn, our mutual blogger friend. At least I think I've seen you comment on her blog or maybe it was Margaret's. Either way, I get the hoarding tendencies. I have them too. Before the jars I had lots of stuff in glass covered bug boxes which took up more room than the jars.

      Delete
  3. Isn't it amazing how entertaining a squirrel can be! I find myself looking for them almost every day. We have gray ones and brown ones and because we have a huge oak tree with acorns, our backyard is a hangout. They really are hard workers.

    It's interesting to think about collecting vs hoarding behaviors. I'm guessing there are many reasons for it, but I wonder if most people aren't trying to fill some sort of need--a void in their lives? Of course, it can be a delightful game to look for certain items and then when you find them, it's like Christmas morning. My mother and I used to go to auctions and look for treasures. We loved it! Now that we're living in a smaller home, I've become selective about what I keep--mostly sentimental stuff that makes me happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have missed seeing squirrels. I used to have a lot that bought fed and watched. They are hard working, especially when you tie a seed bell in the middle of a clothes line.

      You're right about the reasons people hoard. From what I've read and seen on the TV show Hoarders they are trying to fill a deep hole from a loss. But the thrill of the hunt is a main reason people end up with too many collectibles they can't part with.

      Delete
    2. I used to follow Advanced Style and while I admire these women for their bold choices, it’s not for me either. One woman interviewed said she dresses that way because she doesn’t like feeling “invisible” at this time in her life. Well, as someone who has been leered at and harassed by men since I turned 12 up until about age 50, I am very happy flying under their radar now. It is very freeing to be invisible. It may very well be my new superpower 😁. And after living with a hoarder, don’t get me started on them! 😉

      Deb

      Delete
    3. I agree. I love being invisible most of the time because people watching is one of my favorite hobbies and you can do that if you're trying to be the center of attention.

      I remember, now, how long it took you to "unhoard" the building after your husband died. I knew a couple who lived two houses apart because the husband was a hoarder and she refused to live that way, but they still wanted to stay married.

      Delete
    4. I was at the point where I was going to rent another space for me to live in (to save my sanity), but then he was diagnosed with cancer so I stayed till the end.

      Delete
    5. Hugs for all you went through and look at you now! You're living your best life for sure.

      Delete
  4. I'm with you...that kind of style is interesting to see, but I am not likely to ever take it on. I have nowhere to wear a few of the more "out there" garments left in my closet now. And when something comes up that I actually want to dress up for, I often feel I need something more current. When I was younger, I was more likely to wear something a little flashy. But now, I just don't want the attention it might bright to my aging face & body. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LoL I added some gray pants to my all black collection of pants. That about as crazy as I'll get. I did wear flasher stuff in the '60s and part of the '70s so I had my fun with fashion.

      Delete
  5. I live well with my own clutter but find it hard with others! Sue sounds interesting. Her live bold statement reminds me of a friend who, after her divorce, took on that live bold and busy lifestyle. It kept her from being sad -- and then she found she liked it! Forty years later, at 80, she's always on the go. Go figure. Me? I'm quieter! I have too many collections, including my mother's. No one -- absolutely no one -- will want most of this when I die.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We chose this town with its rolling landscape and loblolly forests for retirement, but then realized that our then three-year-old granddaughter, born with a metabolic disorder and already a year past her expected life expectancy, could not manage the rolling landscape with her newly acquired walking skills. She would never be able to navigate on anything but a flat surface, we thought, so we found a house in "the flats" in our town, which had not a single tree. Hence, no squirrels. Homeowners in our tiny subdivision planted oaks and other trees, and squirrels have now made it to our entry that was lined with trees when we bought the house. They haven't made it back to us yet, but we've been rewarded with deer hiding their fawns in our watered gardens, coyote standing on their back legs to eat figs from our trees, and even a bobcat sighting when I was walking my dogs a half mile away where the forests and rolling landscape begin. Oh, and lots and lots of snakes. I can now tell the difference between a cottonmouth and plain-bellied watersnake, a coral snake and a non-venomous type, and of course recognize rattlesnakes. (Our mower has encountered seven on our acre already this year.) We know the difference from when a group of wild hogs has bedded down for the night in the field next to us and when a herd of deer have.

    Our granddaughter graduated from high school last month. I have memories of walking with all my grandchildren, most of them running ahead with our then-goldens while I often carried this granddaughter when she was still four or five. She eventually learned to walk without her medical helmet and built up enough stamina to walk on her own. She was the first for us to find perched on the flat board at the top of our fence, looking over the acres of fields beyond us, learned to talk with cochlear implants helping her to be oral, and is a sweet, smart and beautiful young woman. Meanwhile, our choice of a home here meant our house wasn't one of the 1,300 lost to a massive wildfire that hit our community in 2011.

    I still miss the squirrels, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's a downsize and an upside to everything isn't there. Those forest fires are down right scary! Sounds like you made good choices for your family, although I wouldn't want to deal with the rattlesnakes. Used to see them when I was a kid and copper heads and puff adders which we used to call blow adders.

      Delete
  7. I wouldn't want to have to clean and dust her apartment as it would be difficult and very time consuming. But different strokes for different folks as they say so she can do what she wants.
    On nice days you can just walk over to the lakeside to enjoy the view! Nice to have it nearby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not being able to clean a room because of the stuff displayed or piled in a house is my Litmus Test for being a hoarder instead of a collector. Sue's place could not be cleaned properly in my opinion.

      Ya, the lake is really no more than 1,000 feet---just around the corner of the building.

      Delete
  8. I have wondered what the tipping point is between someone keeping things because they might be useful and hoarding. My Dad, like many Depression era raised people and also many New Englander’s (check out those old barns!) kept lots of thing. They were carefully organized and confined to a certain space but still it was a habit born of both poverty and “tradition”. He was too much of a perfectionist to let it tip over into hoarding but the squirreling (oops, trying too hard there?) away habit is there in the family history. Btw, I imagine it is less costly to acquire all those colorful clothes in NYC given the thrift and resale shops and vendors. I hate to dust tgough so collecting and displaying things is a no go for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never thought of that. New York's garment district and thrift shops has have got to be really different from what we have here in conservative West Michigan.

      My parents too were heavily influenced by the Depression and shortages caused by WWII. Recently with the grocery store, supply line shortages. I can full understand how one gets insecure and start stockpiling stuff.

      Delete
  9. It takes all kinds of kinds to make this world. One person's treasure; another's junk. There's a wide spectrum of normal. I'd like to think that I hover near the middle but that's my opinion!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband was an American Picker before that TV show was invented. I know exactly what you mean about the wide spectrum of normal and trash vs junk.

      Delete
  10. Hadn't thought about it but I guess there is a fine line between hoarding and collecting. The latter has the better image.
    I love squirrels too. They are so athletic and clever. I use to feed them till I found rats like the same menu.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would make me stop feeding squirrels too. I stopped feeding birds because of mice using the feeders too.

      Delete
  11. Interesting. My boyfriend is a collector but inching toward hoarding unless he stops going to garage/estate sales. He intends to get rid of things but it's a lot of work and time. I think some people try too hard to be bold, adventurous, exciting, etc. I am content to be boring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband was the same way. We got to the point that I suggested opening booths in antique malls for him to sell his lesser quality collectibles thinking it was a good way to downsize but it turned out to be the worst thing to do because it gave him permission to kick his buying into a higher gear.

      Delete
  12. I am a collector my girls say I'm a hoarder which is a load of rubbish, just saying

    ReplyDelete
  13. I had a friend who was a true hoarder. Imagine the worst you've seen on tv, and she sure did have some of those qualities -- not to mention a good bit of 'stuff.' As for Sue Kreitzman, I've never heard of her, but I can guarantee you if I met her on the street I'd cross to the other side. So much in the "live large, be bold" philosophy translates to "look at me!!!" and I've generally found people who can't stop thinking about their image tend to be a bit boring. They're like the people in cocktail party conversations who end up saying, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?"

    ReplyDelete
  14. The hearing of drawbacks to the Scenic Units keeping jealousy at bay... well, that would work for me too Jean. And about the Collecting/Hoarding Thing, I do think both are a sort of Disease you develop and then can't be Cured but perhaps can be Managed... since, I never was excessive until a certain period of Life, I lived Small, Simplistically, and I know that would be easier, but I find it difficult now to go back to that. I have a Love/Hate Relationship with my Stuff and Excessive Muchness, as you well know... I'm very conflicted and don't expect to be Cured of it. *Winks*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a good understanding of your collecting/hoarding and I agree, you're managing it and your family better than most people could.

      Delete
  15. Living large is not for me! Wearing a hat on occasion is as far as I go (and it's usually due to a bad hair day!). I used to collect swans and cookbooks. Had to donate most of them when we downsized. Almost ready to donate my favorite 20 cookbooks that I kept ... as everything is online these days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I rarely cook but also have about 17 cookbooks and I hesitate to get rid of them because I do enjoy looking at them.

      Delete
  16. Well, as I was reading this, I thought, "hoarder or collector, not my problem". Then I started looking around, and realized oops, maybe I am! I have lots of justifications: downsized into half the space, then got a roommate with a dog, I'm in a wheelchair, blah blah blah, excuses. And that's when I figured it out. We're getting rid of stuff. A couple of trips to the dump and thrift shop (not to buy, though) every month. Slowly, slowly (and sometimes painfully, heh heh) we are getting rid of stuff. It's hard, though, as I was raised by people who were children during the Great Depression, and it left a mark on them for their whole lives. You never threw anything away that still had some use left in it. What an incredible change from that to our throw-away disposable planned obsolescence culture of today! So I decided I'm just where I'm supposed to be, somewhere in the middle, between save it all and throw it all away. I'm even donating some books! The ultimate sacrifice!! (Nah, not really, many books only need to be read once, and then released for others to enjoy also.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got that same mindset from my parents and you are so right about how the culture has changed around us to the disposable mindset. Keep at a it at your own pace. It took my two years and many hard choices but it does feel better living with less stuff. Books are the worst!

      Delete
  17. I do tend to save junk, and it does come in handy sometimes. It dpesn't bother me unless I start having trouble finding things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What gets me is when I have a use for something AFTER I've gotten rid of it after years of saving it and I go out and buy another. That's happened several times since I moved in. I don't know if downsizing stuff reminds us of what we have thus your mind finds a way to need it back or if it's just bad timing. LoL

      Delete
  18. My husband is the saver/hoarder and I'm the downsizer. He is very sentimental and keeps every little thing because he attaches memories to stuff. I tend to be more forward-looking and want to get rid of things we don't need or use, period. Been there, done that. I already lived it, you know? I don't need the stuff to have the memories. He feels like getting rid of the stuff gets rid of the people or the memory. It's a battle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am right there with your husband. No amount of logic cuts through the sentimental attachments I form with some stuff. Have you tried photographing the stuff you'd like him to part with and making a little booklet or memory stick of the photos with a few lines about where the stuff came from? Having photos helped me let go of a LOT of stuff.

      Delete
  19. I love the "be bold" advice too....but often I hear it as "you are not enough". I am bold when I fee like it, about things that important to me, but as a daily "persona" I'm quieter, maybe even duller; more restrained than bold as I become less reactionary and more thoughtful. I'm working to let go of thinking bigger is better or that more can always be more, and just live a life of quiet and simple contentment. I've always had lots of color and whimsy in my physical environment...but I find I'm being drawn to neutrals and contemporary clutter-less surroundings these days, with only splashes of color. I love that we can learn, grow, and change throughout our lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "You are not enough" could ever well be the flip side of "Be bold." Never thought of it that way before but it does make sense.

      I do believe that when we get old enough to retire we start seeing "things" differently because we know we're not going to live forever. Change is good.

      Delete
  20. I don't understand the hoarding but my husband would. :-)
    As for your TV comment, you mean you all have to have the same tv cable, satellite whatever? You have satellite I assume because wind does not effect underground cables. You don't get your own TV providers? Can you at least at your own apps to your TV to watch things on Firestick or however you view Apple TV, Netflix etc? The more I read about these communities the more I don't think I could do it. I feel like it's similiar to living at my parents in the basement. It's mine, I'm paying, but not really able to do all I would want without someone to comment or bother me. :-) They don't control the air and heat too do they? I think you are doing wonderfully there and seem to be thriving and I am happy for you! I guess I won't get to be your neighbor :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we get 68 channels free from a Satellite. If we have a Smart TV we can we gets apps or Firesticks for what ever we want. I have Netflix and some free TV in my bedroom and the Satellite on my dumb TV in the living room. In my office I have a tiny antenna that puts in 26 localish channels. Weather here effects the Satellite and the antenna. Our local cable companies are so pricey---nearly $300 a month I was paying at my old house.

      We get heat and air conditioning free (or built into our monthly service fee but we control them both individually in our apartments. We also get great wi-fi and internet free.

      I would imagine it's the same with any apartment living, not just in CCCs where you don't have a choice of cable companies. even in my old house we only had one cable company that serviced that area.

      Delete
  21. I remember when I was receiving several newspapers daily often with articles, recipes I clipped out. My life got very busy so I couldn't get to reading or clipping all the ones I wanted, so I started piling those newspaper pages 'til I could get to them. My nephew came to visit, noticed my pile which had grown considerably and queried, "Is this where old newspapers go to die, Aunt J.?" I laughed but kept remembering that and finally concluded I was never going to get to those papers so put them in the recycle bin. Perhaps I would have been viewed as a hoarder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only if you couldn't walk through the room without turning sideways.

      Delete
  22. I had an eccentric wealthy aunt who was all about living bold. Your term "Colorful Clutter Fest" would describe her house and her closet to a T. She couldn't switch herself "off" so to me she came across as insecure. Being around her could be too much for mellow me. Lovely woman, but...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, being around people who are always "ON" can drain your energy even if they are fun for a while.

      Delete

Thanks for taking the time to comment. If you are using ANONYMOUS please identify yourself by your first name as you might not be the only one. Comments containing links from spammers will not be published. All comments are moderated which means I might not see yours right away to publish through for public viewing as I don't sit at my computer 24/7.