Next winter when I’m snowed in I know I will look back at the
statement I’m about to make and think I was crazy for saying it. But here it
goes: Hallelujah, I have four whole days with nothing written on the calendar! That’s
not exactly true, I could go to a slide presentation at the museum tonight but
my after-dark driving is going to have to wait until after I have cataract
surgery. “They’re not big enough yet,” the ophthalmologist said, “but soon.
Maybe next summer.” Oh, goody, another gift from the Old People Fairy.
At night when pain from my bad bones wakes me up and I can’t
fall back to sleep it’s hard for me to stop plotting ways to assassinate
that Old People Fairy. I gave up on the idea of wringing her neck. After a
summer of having my shoulder joint pop in and out of its socket I’d probably
hurt myself more than I’d hurt that evil fairy. I gave up on the idea of
kicking her butt because one of my knee joints is too painful and bending it is
impossible without major fanfare. In the middle of the night the Old People
Fairy just laughs at my currant aches and pains and reminds me that someday I’ll
be at the mercy of a nursing home aide who may or may not like her job. I tell
her I don’t like to borrow trouble from the future but that evil fairy knows me
too well. “Yes, you do,” she taunts, “you’re always trying to come up with
plans A, B and C so you can give
yourself the illusion that you’ll always remain in control of your future. But
you’re not. I am!” After one too many arguments
with that bitch, I rolled out of bed one morning and made an appointment with
my orthopedic doctor. Can we all shout out, “Hallelujah"? Help is on
the way!
I saw Dr. Bone Guy yesterday and I got better news than I
expected on my knee. When you imagine the worst that’s not hard to do. I
imagined the knee replacement in my left knee---I’ve had them both replaced---had
completely worn out after only seven years or it was out of line and either way
I’d have to have another surgery. I imagined he’d say, “You’re a bad old lady!
You shouldn’t have been doing Zumba in the first place!” What he did say was: “Both prosthetics still look great, no wear pattern, nothing out of line, the spacing
between the top and bottom joints are still exactly as they should be.” He gave
me a 12 day round of prednisone to cure the pain and stiffness and told me that
in a couple of weeks I co-o-o-uld go back to Zumba but he’d much prefer I found
a less intense workout in a swimming pool. Prescription: Build a swimming pool
in the backyard or move to a condo with amenities. “Great!” says my Debby Downer
persona, “that’s not likely to happen anytime soon.” “What about the YMCA just three
miles away?” you’re asking. “They have a pool.” Three miles might as well be three
hundred when there’s six feet of snow on the ground. I shall grow fat and sassy
over the winter and join the Y in the spring. So there!
Dr. Bone Guy is a god in my family. He’s our go-to-guy for
all deep dives when it involves a structural problem with our bones. When I saw
him yesterday I also found out I probably have the exact same thing as my niece’s daughter-in-law.
“It’s likely a labrum tear in your shoulder joint,” he said. Then he gave me a cortisone
shot as part of the diagnosis process and I have to go back in two weeks. At the
worst, I’ll need an hour operation to fix it. All those trips to the
chiropractor this summer, when it felt like the joint was out of its socket, were a waste of
time and money because that can’t cure the underlying problem. You don't have to write that on a chalkboard for me to remember, wasn't I the one who called Dr. Bone Guy in the first place? I just should have called him sooner. Oops.
My niece takes
her daughter-in-law back to Dr. Bone Guy tomorrow and she’s going to call me
with details on how her cortisone test shot went and what her next steps will
be, but she’s a nursing mother so she might be delaying her surgery if that’s
practical and won’t cause more damage. But the best part of my conversation
with my niece was when I mentioned I was worried about driving myself home from
the surgery, and she said---without the slightest hesitation---that she and my
other niece can work something out on that. I could have cried from relief! They
both live a great distance away so this is not a small commitment, but in the middle of the night
when I’m arguing with the Old People Fairy, it’s the biggest issue on earth. I visualize
myself getting permanently admitted to a nursing home, kicking and screaming,
for lack of a ride home from a minor surgery. My nieces are both new
grandmothers and if you believe the Republican pundits on TV, first time
grandmothers don’t have time for things like running for president and helping
out old aunts. Ohmygod, I should wash my fingertips off with soap for typing that last
sentence and bringing politics into my blog. What I should be saying instead is
that after the conversations with Dr. Bone Guy and my niece I feel like I can
stuff that Old People Fairy back in her box and pile rocks on top. That will teach her
for annoying me in the middle of the night. ©
