The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is a movie coming up for our Friday Movie Night here on the CC campus. I read the book and loved it so I can’t wait to see this movie. I’m going to like movie nights here. It’s a chance to discuss films in real time with real people. Something I’ve been craving in recent years: people around when I want them but solitude and plenty of places to enjoy it when I need it.
Last week they showed the movie The Radium Girls which was based on a true story of girls who worked in a watch factory. They painted the numbers on the dials with glow-in-the-dark radium and died from being told to lick their brushes to bring them to a fine point after dipping them into the radium. This was in the same time frame when scientists wore lead shields and heavy gloves to handle the stuff. The company knew it was poisonous but hired a so-called company doctor to claim the girls who got sick all had syphilis, knowing back in the ‘20s they’d be too embarrassed to talk about their illness.
As I was leaving the movie to walk back to my building my favorite security guard and I got into a discussion about labor protection laws and the history of the coal mines. He's taking a class that covered the sit-down strikes and I shared my grandfather's first-hand story of being in one of those strikes when sharp shooters hired by the company massacred sitting strikers. We can thank labor unions for making our work environments safe and anyone who thinks they've outlived their usefulness doesn't know human nature well enough.
Good employers makes any place better and everyone I've asked here at the CCC seems to enjoy their work environment including the cleaning woman. She’s got quite the love story to tell. She’s an immigrant from France and she met an American guy when she was in college decades ago. He went home and they became pen pals, both going on the marry other people, raised families, lost their spouses. All that time remaining pen pals. When he invited her State Side to attend a party in his honor, she came and never went back. They got married and if you read that in a romance book you’d think the storyline was far-fetched.
When I was in the floral business and servicing weddings for twenty years I used to collect how-they-met stories from all my brides. I loved those stories, even before I started reading romance books. Not to mention I was without a boyfriend half of those years, looking for my own Prince Charming so it was research of a practical sort. I don’t know what happened to that collection of handwritten notes in a spiral notebook. A lot of that happened after my husband’s massive stroke is a blur. Yada, yada, yada you know the rest of that chapter in my story, I've told it often enough. Now, I joke that I was Wonder Woman back then meaning it’s a wonder I didn’t have my own stroke from all the stress I was under.
The point I'm trying to make it that's it's been a long road getting to a point in life where I virtually have no/few responsibilities and my desire to keep it that way probably just earned me a label I won't like. I turned down an invitation to work with two other x-florists living here to make Christmas decorations for all the public areas. One of the guys talked management out of hiring an outside company and put him in charge. I’d been avoiding him since learning that but he sent me an email asking me to join his planning session. I had no choice but to face my first real dilemma here and I wrote back: “I have zero interest in using what little time and creative energy I have left in life to revisit what I did for 20 years to earn a living...especially the Christmas rush.” I was too blunt, wasn't I. But I didn't want to get locked into a time consuming volunteer role for all the holidays on the calendar. I don't need the jerk circle.
Does that make me a selfish person? I feel selfish. It's flower arranging I'm turning down for crying out loud, not working to save endangered animals from extinction or to put an end to world hunger. So how come I feel like this? Would a softer worded email have made a difference? I'm getting better at turning down things I don't want to do but the feeling guilty part that comes after needs work.
But if there's one thing I've learned in my almost 80 years on earth is that we can't do it all. At my age I have to cut to the chase, do what makes me happy even if it's on a smaller scale than I'd dreamed of doing before life got in the way of my plans. I can no longer be another John Steinbeck or John Singer Sargent but I can be a wordy blogger who paints ugly brown barns in a class full of beginners. ©
Seems to me that you might have TWENTY years left! A whole generation. I hope you keep on blogging and giving us the scoop at the CCC.I love hearing of other 70+ ladies gracefully saying no! Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI have the saying no part right, but it was far from gracefully. And there is so much to write about it isn't funny.
DeleteGive over, do! Guilt feelings are for the birds. You are absolutely right to turn down activities you don't want to do. There's always somebody somewhere who tries to pressure you, some busybody who needs telling.
ReplyDeleteI am quite envious of your CCC; wish we had something like that here. Any care facilities round here are mainly for people in dire need of care, who are living with debilitating physical or mental conditions. A facility for the bright and alert and still relatively able bodied sounds great. Films laid on, art classes laid on, social circles available if wanted, what's not to like.
Enjoy what you have and don't feel guilty for doing it.
I am trying to let go of guilt but it's a long standing habit starting in childhood with disappointing my mom. It was honed to perfection when I shared care for my dad for five years. My husband was extremely supportive but I was stretched too thin, a common story for anyone trying to do it all.
DeleteWe have 6 or 7 CCC in the area. I toured most of them over the past 5 years. A couple were nicer/more expensive than this one. Two were so churchy I would have died there and not from natural causes. Probably burned at the stalk for being a witch---ohmygod, can you tell I've been watching Outlander! LOL All of these continuum care places have the traditional care kind of units on their campuses that you mentioned you have over there. So you might say this is a half-way house but it's called independent living.
How interesting that you are learning the stories of the employees around you. Most people have some interesting life stories and thought if we can get them to share. I hope you liked the movie. I thought it did a good job of representing the book which is not always the case.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the movie since writing this and I agree, it was faithful to the book. I did like it and now I wish I could reread the book. But I'm in the campus book club now so I probably won't.
DeleteEveryone has a story and my husband was good at getting them out of people and I was good at writing about them. Now I'm trying to do both.
Well, first of all, don't feel guilty for turning down that invitation. While I concede you may have been able to soften the decline (!) I'm sure no one would disagree with you. Time, we have all learned in the past year and all the more so as we near the end of our life cycle, is a precious commodity and shouldn't be wasted on optional things we don't really want to do. It's not like you are living in a self-imposed social exile. You are out there, doing things. Just not that. Let it go.
ReplyDeleteThe movie nights sound fun. I loved the Guernsey book and saw the movie right after I finished it. That was a mistake because it was SO fresh in my mind and obviously they have to edit out some of the material to make it fit (I really thought it should have been a BBC mini-series). But it holds its own and I suspect being further out from a fresh read, it wouldn't matter. That's a good reminder to read that again or watch it again (It's on netflix; so's Radium Girls, which I haven't seen.)
Radium Girls was a little hard to follow but I think doing on your own where you can rewind the parts you didn't catch would help a lot. I loved the period costumes and décor as well as the story, being a fellow collector you would too.
DeleteI saw the guy I sent the email to last night, said "Hi" and told him his decorations were pretty. He didn't reply other than a 'hi' back. He seemed on cold side from his usual interactions with me, but I'm going to reserve that opinion for the next time I run into him because we were leaving a long meeting and he might have been tired. I need to go back to my rule of letting stuff-t-write-emails sit overnight before sending---I could have/should have soften that one.
I can't remember which author said it. Might have been Joan Didion, but it's so true: "We can do it all. We just can't do it all at the same time." You have the gift of being able to decide what you want to do at this time in your life -- embrace your choices, and enjoy them.
ReplyDeleteI've heard and even repeated that phrase before but in reality it isn't true. Some things and opportunities do pass us by and we can't undo life and go back to them. But we can quit crying over spilt milk and make the most of the opportunities we do have.
DeleteWell, speaking of opportunities, here's one -- just in case you get bored!
DeleteLOL We have the same problem here in Michigan, I heard. Plowing plowing is really hard on your physical health, your social life and it can be dangerous at times, nerve racking at others. With so many people working from home now I would guess more people are not signing seasonally driveway contracts which makes it hard on small companies. Then there is the factor that someone came up with an app like Uber where you just call when you want to get someone to plow you out which leads to instability and they are free of charge whatever the market will bear in any given snowstorm. Glad I'm longer and to worry about stuff like that. Heard some horror stories last winter. Now, I get to watch the people plow this place when I can't sleep in the middle of the night.
DeleteYes, do what you want. I agree with you, tho, about saying "no" in a nicer way. You could explain that to the guy next time you see him and then you won't have to feel guilty anymore!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job finding your way in a new life! Don't fret!
I just might make it worse if I try to explain myself. Actually, this topic of making decorations for all the events that happen on campus came up at one of the future resident meetings we had when all three of us x-florists were together. I said right from the get-go that I didn't want to do it and he said, "Ah, come on, it would be fun." So he shouldn't have been shocked that I turned him down...just shocked at the way I did it. I was afraid if I wasn't firm he'd try to talk me into it and I'd cave...still no excuse for being borderline rude. I'm just explaining my mindset when I wrote the email.
DeleteA simple 'I didn't mean to be harsh' apology for the tone of your email should do the trick and that's probably the best way to shake off the guilt. His 'Oh c'mon it'll be fun' was a clue that he wasn't one who would easily accept an 'I don't think so'.
DeleteI've sent SO many emails I wish I'd revisited. I'm guessing we all have.
I absolutely WILL use your line about 'not meaning to be harsh' apology when I get the opportunity. Only I'll deliver that in person. Thank you! I really don't send many emails I regret because usually I let them sit overnight in a draft so I can catch dyslexia errors and have toned them down at that point, when needed.
DeleteThe other viewpoint is that you've set your borders right from the get-go, and others know you mean what you say, the first time. Perhaps it was a little blunt, but is it bad to let others know that you know your own mind and won't be entreated to do something you're not inclined to do? I likely would have phrased it a little differently, being brought up in the Deep South, but then people often mistake my personality as being softer than it is, and maybe that's why. I personally like to be surrounded by people who say what they mean, so I don't have to guess. I probably would have laughed and said, "Got it," if you'd responded to me that way and gone on liking you.
DeleteThe elderly are often accused of being too blunt. I guess I can look back on that email and know exactly when and why I became that way. LOL Love the response you would have given me.
DeleteWhen I retired after teaching for 30+ years, so many people kept asking, "What will you do now?" Everyone expected me to zip on into a second career, or even substitute teach or tutor. It was astonishing to me; did they not understand? I WAS RETIRED. I just left one of the most demanding and stress-filled careers --which I juggled with parenting--and now they expected me to just keep working. It was almost offensive.
ReplyDeleteSome people just don't get the concept of Being Done. Of wanting to finally spend time The Way You Choose To. Much of it is the old Puritan Work Ethic. Regardless, you've earned your time, and you should do what you like with it. Period.
Volunteering at what you once of paid to do in a high stress career doesn't make a lot of sense. I can see your point about it almost being offensive. For some people---maybe guys more than women---their whole identity is so wrapped up in their careers they don't know who they are without it. This guy has made it well known he'll arrange flowers for anyone free of charge if they bring him the flowers. He does beautiful work, entered five of his arrangement in our campus art show.
DeleteI did read the book and loved it but haven't seen the movie. The Radium Girls sounds horrific. Greed knows no bounds and yes we owe a lot to unions. They use to shoot strikers?? Yikes. How sick.
ReplyDeleteYou really got your point across about helping with the flowers. You were honest. I would have made up a harmless fib like not wanting to aggravate my carpal tunnel. I am a weenie like that:)
I really, truly thought about making up fib but then I thought about Valentine's Day, Easter, May Day, Memorial Days and all the other holidays on the calendar and I panicked thinking I'd only be postponing the 'show down.' When I happened to see the third florist who did join up with the guy and she asked me why I didn't want to do it and I use my carpal tunnel and arthritic fingers as an excuse---hoping that detail would get back to him---but then she said, "We could still use your creative ideas on the team." So I know a fib would a have not made the problem go away.
DeleteIt has seemed to me that when saying "no" one had better be blunt...whether it be about sex or volunteering! People don't hear what they don't want to hear!!
ReplyDeleteYou are right and I've heard that before but I've never had the guts to just leave it at that...it's the guilt trip thing... LOL
DeleteSelfishness? I don't think so! Setting firm boundaries is an act of self-care. I'd have saved the strong wording, but you no doubt won't be asked again and if that was your intention, you did it, so there's no reason at all to feel guilty....although I've found that the people who often feel guilty cannot be rational-talked out of it. Also, I loved the book and and the movie of Guernsey...
ReplyDeleteBoy you have my number on not being able to be talked out of feeling guilty. It's so deep seeded in me, mostly coming from trying to do too many things. Kind of the classic woman guilt. I'm getting better though.
DeleteIt gets easier to say no but it does take some practice. Good for you for turning down something that just doesn't work for you. Don't fret about seeming to be rude about it. Some people won't take no for an answer until you have to practically beat them over the head with it.
ReplyDeleteDeb
He's been nothing but friendly and kind to me up until now. So it will be interesting to see if that changes. I did compliment him yesterday on the decorations but I'm not sure he heard me and he kept on walking. We were leaving a meeting and it was crowded and noisy.
DeleteOh yes! I saw that radium movie and was shocked--knowing way early that the girls were poisoning themselves. Gads... And as for your declining the floral situation--good for you. "I'm honored that you thought I could help, but I have to pass. Thanks for thinking of me." LOL Short and sweet. I should take my own advice! ROFL here...
ReplyDeleteWow, that really would have been a great/better rejection statement. I need to file that away in my head. Thanks!
DeleteBy the way, I jusst tried going to your blog and I get this message: "Attackers might be trying to steal your information from www.tehachap.wordpress.com (for example, passwords, messages, or credit cards)." I tried it from two different browsers but I'm pretty sure I accessed your blog last week with no trouble. thought you'd want to know in case your readership dropped.
DeleteI don't think you need to apologize for your email at all! If you were more wishy-washy about it, the guy might think he still had an opening where he could guilt you into doing it. Maybe that's why he seemed miffed when you saw him. I read the "Miss Manners" column in the Washington Post and she often tells people to just say "No, thank you." and leave it at that. No explanations are needed. You've done your duty in the past. Now it's your time to do what you want.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, it was Miss Manners who advocates for the "no thank you" with no explanation, but I can't believe people won't follow that up with something else like, "Would another time work better?" I don't think the guy is in the 'gossip club' around here so my rudeness might stay with him.
DeleteJust an additional thought here. My daughter was a volunteer with a local historical society group that was composed of several retired teachers (all women). They all viewed it as their personal bailiwick. My daughter had to leave the group after several months because everyone wanted to be the "chief." She would get directions from one person, only to have those be contradicted by another person. This group of ex-florists, who all have their own opinions about how things should be done, might end up the same way. I think you made a good call here.
DeleteThat thought actually crossed my mind because other than the customer's budget and taste to consider I had creative freedom with no other people's opinions weighing in. Creativity by committee doesn't work.
DeleteLordy, but I've become addicted to your posts from the CCC! It seems so long from Weds to Saturday....this is the best vicarious adventure ever for older people.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take notes while I'm in public around here. I don't write about half the stuff I hear and see. Lots of interesting people here. Just yesterday I found out there's an art professor living here who taught at the college level until recently. I saw her work in our art show and knew who ever did the pieces was a cut above the rest of us. Now I feel like a stalker, trying to get an introduction to her. But I guess she doesn't leave her apartment much.
DeleteI do not think you were too blunt in declining being part of the holiday decorating. And I for one don’t think you need to apologize. You had already told him no and he still asked again. I don’t think anything less than a very firm ‘zero interest’ would have worked.
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right that I would have gotten talked into it if I hadn't been blunt.
DeleteYou weren't too blunt, you were direct and had clarity to the response that cannot be misinterpreted as even a Maybe. I can easily say No and I don't feel Guilty when I want or have to say it, it's an option that I consider as viable as a Yes or a Maybe. People sometimes need to say No more rather than reluctantly saying Yes or Maybe and then feeling regrets about having done so. Those who Volunteer should do so voluntarily, not thru being Volunteered by someone else.
ReplyDeleteI can picture you saying 'no' with no guilt, especially if you added your crazy eyes. LOL
DeleteSometimes the Crazy Eyes is enough without Words. *winks*
DeleteYes, "no" is a one word sentence. Yes, enjoy that brown barn. :)
ReplyDeleteI finish the barn barn tomorrow but I'm not sure I'll keep it. LOL
DeleteI find movies never as good as the book
ReplyDeleteI often would rather see the movie first so I have an image in my head of the characters and settings.
DeleteI laughed when I read your email to the other florist. If the guy wanted to take on all the decor and discouraged an outside company, I say let him have at it! And after reading the comments, I'm betting he would have kept bugging you until you got firm anyway. I suppose you could have softened it, but I bet he would have kept at you. And who wants a job in a new place at this time of life? Not me!
ReplyDeleteHave not seen Guernsey movie but I did love the book. I'll have to check it out. And, like others, I'm thoroughly enjoying your posts about the CCC and your new adventures.
I don't know who all he got to help him other than the other florist but one day I saw him all alone at a table making velvet bows that later appeared on the Christmas tree in the lobby. I kind of felt sorry for him.
DeleteI can see that, but honestly, he could have just let them hire the outside company and enjoyed the decor. Maybe he's bored...
DeleteI think he truly loves the joy that flowers bring to people and the adulation he gets from his designs and he wants to expand that in his life. He lost his wife late summer so he's got time on his hands. At the art show he handed out business cards and told people he'll do arrangements for their apartments for free. He really is a good designer, too.
DeleteNo guilt about saying no...he had no right to volunteer your time. I do think the "I'm sorry I sounded so harsh" comment/apology would make you feel better. If he can't accept it that's on him. I really look forward to reading your posts. 😊
ReplyDeleteI've searched my memory for any thing I might have said to indicate I might had said I to project an interested in a project like that but I'm confident I've been consistently lacking interest.
DeleteI would have turned down the volunteer job also. Sometimes you have to be blunt to get your message across. I'm in my late 70's and have decided I will not do anything I don't want to do....my time is precious. I usually make a big Thanksgiving dinner for close friends and family. Not this year. And they were all scrambling around to find the very easiest meal they could make...didn't want to mess with doing a turkey and all that stuff. Really! Wasn't a problem when I was doing it...they came, enjoyed and left. In other words, I think you did the right thing...just do what you want to do and enjoy. I really enjoy your blog by the way.
ReplyDeleteI think you're a new commenter Thank you for that and welcome. I'm quite surprised that this topic sparked a reaction is so many people.
DeleteAbout your assertiveness. I'm learning one needs to tailor it to the other person's capacities, not our own. So this guy didn't get your message the first time. You changes your approach. Now he knows for sure he can't charm you into floral arranging. That's a win! I felt my own guilt this fall after striding up to my neighbor across the street and asking him NOT to blow all his leaves across the street to MY curb and onto my lawn. For 15 years insecure little ol' me has let this happen. Every year I had struggled to pile my own leaves on top of his for city pick-up. I assumed he had good reason. Hello?!? This year I explained in no uncertain terms why he should mound his yard's leaves at his own curb, which is 5 times as long as mine. He said he'd always done it that way and why now object? I told him that was then and nowadays I am more assertive. I'm sure I set him back on his heels. I felt guilty for a couple weeks. Now I'm happy he got the message. Being heard and respected is sweet. I'll clean up my harshness when and if an opportunity presents itself because he is a nice guy aside from that.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's quite a story of gaining your assertiveness. You go, girl. I like what you said about being heard and respected and you'll "clean up your harshness when and if the opportunity presents itself." My guy is nice, too and I'm sure heh meant no harm because he truly thinks it fun.
DeleteYou have to do what makes you smile and stay away from things that don't. That's the way I feel anyway. So if you get invited to do something and don't want to do it, I see no reason not to say that you won't be doing it.
ReplyDeleteI am surrounded by do-gooders who do all kinds of things for others. I know this is my time to do what makes me happy but it's still hard not to feel some guilt.
DeleteI've become very adept at saying No. My energy, patience and money are limited and I use all sparingly. One of my good friends called me two days ago and told me something she did that she was getting attacked about. I asked her how she felt about it - the just between two old friends, and she said she'd do it again. I said then that's the answer. You are living your life for you. So I think you should say no anytime you want to. You may miss out on something sometimes but I'm sure in the long wrong the control of your life will make you happy.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good Litmus Test to know if you made the right decision or not and I did in this case. I was right about the holiday decorating would have eaten up too much of my time.
DeleteI wonder if your florist co-resident is one of those guys who put virtually all his identity eggs in the occupational basket. If so, arranging flowers isn't just something he did for a living; it's who he is -- and he can't imagine that you don't feel the same way. I don't think he would have been able to hear a more subtle "no."
ReplyDeleteI know that is 100% true and I even came to that conclusion in a blog I wrote after this one. He owned the shop, his wife worked in it and he probably remembers the fun part and forgot all about the long hours around the holidays
Delete