Three times over the past few days I’ve developed an alarming brain fart, I’m calling it. I was sitting with fellow residences and I kept getting their names reversed. For example, I called Diane ‘Linda’ and Linda ‘Diane’ and once I said “hi Tom" knowing full well his name is Jack. (I kind of wish Tom's name really was Jack because Tom is an ass and Jack-the-ass has a better ring to it than Tom-the-ass.) The worry wart in me thinks I could have had a TIA. I had them before back in my 40s before I started getting treated for high blood pressure.
One time a neurologist I'd gotten to know pretty well was showing me scans of my husband’s brain and I asked him what happens when someone who is dyslexic and left-handed has a stroke? "Do the neurons that are scrambled since birth un-scramble?” It was a feeble joke and I expected him to give me throw-away joke answer but instead his eyes lite up and he said, “There isn’t much research in that area. It would be an interesting study but hard to get funding for and it would probably turn out that things would just get scrambled more.” Thanks, doc. That’s just what every left-handed, dyslexic person wants to hear.
I do a lot of things to exercise my brain but I do next to zero to exercise my body. There is a woman here who does just the opposite. She says it’s her job to stay healthy and she's out walking in all kinds of weather, takes all the exercise classes on campus. My husband’s cousin who I sat next to at a party in March also took great care to eat right and exercise daily and 2-3 days after I saw her she dropped over dead from a massive stroke. It should have been me. She was thin, had no known medical issues, didn’t even have a piece of birthday cake because “sugar is bad for you.” I consume empty sugar calories nearly every day. I'm far from thin and I sit too much. I say again if you didn't hear me the first time, it should have been me.
There’s another woman here who is a party machine, always ready for a good time but she constantly talks about how she’s not going to be around in six months. She’s not sick nor does she have a medical condition to base her prediction on. She says that based solely on her age. I finally told her to stop talking that way, that she was going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” I truly believe the brain is powerful enough to do that and since we’re all about the same age, I don’t like hearing someone say we’re all on a six-months timer. There are lots of ways to face our own mortality, aren’t there. Denial is my personal favorite.
When we’re young we don’t think of our lives in terms of our own mortality. In truth I never thought about of death at all until my mom died. I was 41 but I never had grandparents to act as training wheels for how to let go of a loved one. I took it hard. Over the next few years I tried to hold on to her by taking up Mom’s genealogy research and with the help of the internet I took it to heights she could not have imagined back in the ‘80s. Then I wrote several books about our family history. If you’re in a history book you’re immortal, right? Or so I thought.
But it doesn’t work that way, does it. Books by average folks fall by the wayside and only the extraordinary stand the test of time. The best we can do to achieve a sort of immortality is to contribute to the pool of goodness in the world and hope together we can keep civilization moving in the right direction toward a better world. A couple of us had that philosophical discussion here at the continuum care complex. It was interesting because we didn’t even agree on how to define “a better world” which is a good indication of how hard it will be to achieve one. Going back to '50s values where anything bad in society was swept into a dark corner was not acceptable to some of us; others thought the openness of talking about the ills of society like we do now only breeds more of the same.
I thought I’d written about immortality back in the days when I was doing my tongue-in-cheek Sunday Sermons but doing a search of my blog I couldn't come up with anything. So I'll leave you with another meme that pretty much sums up the key to finding immortality and points out why I'm so screwed out of any hope of achieving it. ©
I have no desire to be immortal. Neither Andy nor I even want an obituary in the paper let alone a funeral. We're making the most of the time we have left.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be a trean not to have obituaries in the paper or funerals. I told my niece I didn't care about having a funeral or memorial service but I do want the obituary. People in future generations will always be doing genealogy research and I know how exciding it is to search for details and find them on people long gone.
DeleteLove this!
ReplyDeleteI long ago decided I would be pleased if my tombstone said, 'She did her best.' Nowadays I no longer know what form that 'best' might take. I think once we realise we're here just because of a random event (give or take a belief in a God), then it's just about trying to be kind.
ReplyDeleteBTW, thanks for you comment on my dog blog about how you used to set out on a walk with Levi on loose lead and come home in training mode. I think that's a plan I'll try more consistently.
Also, BTW, I think I can relate to that thing about brain farts. At the moment, I'm blaming mine on the stress of the last few years in dealing with society's upheaval in the pandemic.
I miss the dog blog community. Hope my comment helps.
DeleteWell there is certainly enough stuff going on in the world to be stressed about. It's a wonder we don't all have a mass mental breakdown.
I agree about her making her death a self-fulfilling prophecy. The mind can often make us sick or well. Kind of like the placebo effect. If you really believe---it can happen.
ReplyDeleteAs for the possible TIA, are you on any anti-platelet drugs? Might be something to check out with a doctor.
I do a baby aspirin every day. I have an appointment for my yearly physical next week so we'll have a lot to talk about.
DeleteInteresting, Jean. I hope no TIA. Is there anything they can give you to prevent those if inclined? That's the only reason I'd see the doc (not the ER). At least ask "Should I be taking...?" But I can see why you want to skip the tests. For that matter, don't we all mess up names? Food for thought.
ReplyDeleteI retired early because I was sick and when figuring out the financials probably made some poor choices because I didn't think I'd be around very long. Now I'm not so sure about that -- I might be around way longer than I think if I steer clear of the Covid. And I'm just glad I have property because I know my retirement bucks won't hold out. Besides my own issues, my mom died young and dad not so old as one could have (he had lung stuff, like me). So, I figured that was my story. Till one day I thought about it and realized that if mom lived in this day and age, versus when she died in in the 1970s, treatments and detection for cancer are so much better, she might have made it as her 94 year old sister did. Somewhat the same with dad and his lungs. Meanwhile, I try my best to live full, happy, fun, loving and kind while I can -- day, month, year, decade or more. And hope some of that legacy lasts with someone!
You are such a joyful person. You've got this when it comes to living life to its fullest. And I'm sure your good nature will rub off on those grand boys.
DeleteIsn't it always something!!! TIAs are scary--I had one incident, about 8 years ago. I remember looking in the bathroom mirror and not being able to speak words correctly. I remember seeing "lightning" flashes in my eyes, too. So strange and scary. I decided to lie down and pray for things to go back to normal. They did, after a few hours. Jean, I'm glad to hear you didn't have lots of the symptoms. It seems that mixing up names is pretty common for most of us. You've had lots of changes in your life, since moving, and many new people to try to remember. As for making sense of longevity, I'm to the point where I think you do your best (within reason) and make peace with the fact that most of us will face various health challenges as we age. I'm a cancer survivor of 24 years. If I'm honest, sometimes I'm actually surprised to still be here, but I figure God has a plan, and He'll decide when my time is up. I know that faith is a very personal matter, but it has kept me sane and hopeful. In the meantime, I have a fabulous medical team and medication that also keep me going. I'm thankful for every single one of those 24 years, no matter how scary and painful some of them were! Life is short, but life is good!
ReplyDeleteThe mind is a powerful thing and for many faith is part of that power you've harnessed. Not everyone can say life is short, but life is good. I'm glad you're one of them.
DeleteMy mixing up names that day was different but I don't know how to explain how it felt.
Doggone it, since you mentioned mortality, I want to tell you what I want on my tombstone. "I told you I didn't feel good!" (not really. I don't even want a stone, truth be told)
DeletePam, it sounds to me that what you had was a migraine with aura. (The flashing lights.) I used to get more of them when I was younger and a few times I experienced some aphasia (inability to come up with the right words) which happens sometimes with migraines. For me, the lights last about a half hour and the resulting headache for about two hours. Although sometimes there was very little to no headache. Now that I'm older they occur less often and I know that they will subside so I don't get as frightened like I used to when I first started having them and didn't know what they were. The triggers for migraine are as varied as the people who have them.
DeleteLOL! Some tombstone epitaphs like that one are classic.
DeleteI don't think about things like Immortality and Legacy. I just think about Being Kind and, as a parent, Setting A Good Example for my sons (even now). It's not that I don't realize at 63 (almost), I have way less time left than I did. I simply don't care to think about it that way. After having health struggles throughout my life, I guard my health and do what I need to do to maintain it so that I can make the very most of the days I have.
ReplyDeleteYour whole career was building your legacy in your students. Teachers are a huge influence that makes a difference. I'm also wondering if people like me who have no children think about lack of legacy more than those of you who have children to pass your values down to.
DeleteYour friend who is determined to exercise and walk is also caring for her brain. Elack of exercise, nor enough vitamin D, BMI, sugar consumption, and sleep are all considered components of Alzheimers risk. It's not all about the games. Sometimes we just have brain facts. If you have no other symptoms i would not see a Dr yet.
ReplyDeleteI do so many things wrong health wise it isn't funny. Lack of good quality sleep is one of them.
DeleteI don't know why there's so much randomness when it comes to who survives and who dies young. I see it, too. I only hear about my high school when someone in my class passes on, while the rest of us twiddle our thumbs [metaphorically speaking] here on earth.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I agree with the Albert Pike quote. It's what we do for ourselves that makes us strong enough to do things for other people. There's a balance there, you know?
I'm assuming the Pike quote is referring to people who work for do-good causes in one degree or another. A tiny example: there is a woman here who always has a knitting project with her. She calls it her knitting of charity because makes afghans to give away to groups collecting them. I, on the other hand, would be making something for myself. There's also a group here who formed a club with a $1,000 membership fee and they meet and plan fund raisers for various causes. They just had a fancy make up party at some downtown venue and made a lot of money. I just don't do those kinds of things. I give money to charities but I don't give away my time.
DeleteI don't care about immortality. I have had a good life and I don't need to keep living longer than I am supposed to. I think when it is "my time" then I will die and life will go on for everybody else and that's fine. I try to walk several times a week and I eat pretty healthy but that's to avoid medical expenses while I am still around (I'm frugal, too!)...
ReplyDeleteI'm super glad there are people in past generations who have achieved a sort of immortality because of their dedication to a cause. I know we'll never achieve Plato's Republic but it's still a good goal and I wish I'd Done more to steer my generation toward it, like Dee over at another blog has done. (Blog name escapes me now but she's in my side bar).
Delete'Coming Home to Myself' is Dee's blog.
DeleteWe all find our own paths to a meaningful (or meaningless?) life. The randomness of death is always shocking and disturbing to me. It's a mystery who gets taken and when. My mom often talks about the romanticizing of the past and of small towns; where she lived, there were horrible things going on behind the scenes (hidden as you say) and the past wasn't anywhere near as rosy as some might like to believe.
ReplyDeleteYa, those rose colored glass can be really thick sometimes. I see that here a lot.
DeleteThat fit lady who dropped from a massive stroke - sounds like a much better death than to linger and suffer. I had 2 TIAs in 2016 and thankfully nothing since. They were very scary. I lost use of the right side of my body and of speech…for less than a minute each time. Like you, I went on blood pressure and blood thinner meds and have been fine since. (And I lead a vastly calmer life now…hopefully that helps as well.)
ReplyDeleteI think our immortality is achieved by things we may never ever know about. Something we said or did that inspired someone else, or became a pivot point in their lives. They may never tell us or even connect the dots that our actions/words precipitated a change in theirs. Just think about all the lives you have touched with your writings, Jean.
Deb
Your observation about dying quickly as opposed to linger is something I've heard before in the context of why it pays off in the end to watch your died and exercise. You kike so much you don't have to worry about that.
DeleteI do believe in your definition of immortality. I've had two teachers who caused pivot points in my life---one my first year of college and one in the next to the last year---twenty-years apart. I don't remember their names but I will never forget them. I'm sure to them it was just another day in the class room.
If you look back 100 years ago, almost all, but the very few, have made contributions to any immortality. They are all forgotten now unless someone has their name listed on a genealogy graph. My Mother who was a fabulously kind person loved by her family, will be forgotten once the few great grandchildren she knew are gone. But the fact, in the great scheme of things, that she even existed and was good is something in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you. Family history is a mini-immortality and every generation seems to produce one person who keeps it alive for someone in the next generation to find and share.
DeleteI actually meant to say very few have made lasting contributions
DeleteLOL
DeleteI save many quotes and poems and this I think is fitting…
ReplyDeleteTHE MEADOW
In the town’s graveyard the oldest plot now frees itself
of sorrow, the myrtle of the graves grown wild. The last
who knew the faces who had these names are dead,
and now the names fade, dumb on the stones, wild
as shadows in the grass, clear to the rabbit and the wren.
Ungrieved, the town’s ancestry fits the earth. They become
a meadow, their alien marble grown native as maple.
by Wendell Berry I think. I have many fond memories of wandering around in old cemeteries first with my mom and then with my husband. Many people ho do that for reflection come up with great poetry.
DeleteLiving forever sounds good but really isn't...........
ReplyDeleteMe and denial are good friends
We can start a club.
DeleteMy late brother, a mortician and owner of several funeral homes, chose a riff on a Kurt Vonnegut quote for his gravestone: "He tried." In his case, it's sad for me to see because he was always, despite how much we tried to show him otherwise, sure he was failing in some deep way. Despite his career, he was adamant that he did not want an obituary and made us each promise many times over that we wouldn't put one in the state in which he'd lived or the one where he was born and died. We found one possible reason for that about a year ago, one you will appreciate as a genealogist: a delightful who is a full sibling to my brother's two children according to DNA and a nephew to me and my siblings who have tested. One who never knew he had a father different than the one he'd known all his life. One who shares my love of physics and my brother's love of philosophy. My brother left more of a legacy behind than we knew. Or perhaps he did. I won't go into details but he thought at the time this man was born that he could never be a father.
ReplyDeleteLike so many of us, I've had an experience with a TIA., but mine turned out to be what another person mentioned: a complex migraine, without pain but with aura. I fell to the ground, couldn't speak at first, and then stuttered first sounds, then words, then whole phrases until I could speak again. I was 41, and had had breast cancer the year before, and doctors were sure the cancer had spread to my brain. I didn't know until then that I, like my sister, was having many migraines because I didn't recognize them as migraines, but lots of tests and three neurologists later, I'm convinced. Years before that happened, I had had a period of time when I often spoke to my daughter Tricia, but called her "Chicken" instead. She was spitting mad every time I did it, convinced I was doing it on purpose, but I couldn't stop. I'd even pause before I said her name. I still start to call her "Chicken" sometimes, but stop myself. My fit of helpless giggles usually gives me away.
May I just say without, I hope, sounding smarmy that you contribute a lot to those who follow your blog. You share things we might not be willing to share until you opened up the conversation. You give us a break during our days, time when we can connect with or just observe other people we might not meet otherwise. We consider what we want out of life, too. Most of us are doing that anyway, but you provide us with different ideas to consider. You definitely are giving something to the world.
You last paragraph was so kind. Thank you. I've had some deep conversations with morticians can have come to respect what they do for people. I'm sure they see the worst and the best of the families they serve. One of the places around here did a tour of the back rooms and who they process a body, etc. and it was one of the more fascinating tours I've ever taken.
DeleteThe DNA searches for matches sure brings some interesting stories.
You might be interested in this article by Gabby Giffords. She would call her husband "chicken" too when she first was recovering from being shot in the head.
Deletehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/04/07/gabby-giffords-aphasia-bruce-willis/
How interesting! Thanks for linking that, TexasTrailerParkTrash. I will check it out. Oh, and I said the young man who is my late brother's son tested as a full sibling to my brother's other two children. That's not true, of course. He tested as a half sibling because he has a different mom.
DeleteThe immortal meme is perfection!
ReplyDeleteI know many who have died from not taking care of themselves and many who died and they did. It makes you wonder if that is worth it. The enjoyment of the sugar in one cookie is not going to make you die. Boxes of cookies. I had a doctor who was fit, thin, marathons, didn't own a TV, was on Oprah. He was da bomb. Went for a morning jog before heading to the airport and had a heart attack and died on the side of the road. It shouldn't have been him, yet why not him? He would always tell me I needed to lose 15lbs. I'm alive and he's not. I don't think it's all genetic or all our behavior, maybe both or nothing at all and we have no control and should just enjoy the hell out of the ride. Then again, ask me in a hour and I'll have changed my mind Jean.
Big subject :-)
Genes make a huge difference, I'm sure of it. Environmental factors are a big factor as well. I have spend better than 3/4 of my life living with second hand smoke and I'm a good candidate for lung cancer. In truth most of us probably just want our minds and body to go at the same time rather than live without the full use of either one.
DeleteImmortality's not my jam -- I'm one of those death and resurrection sorts. It's not that I think any of us is going to end up floating around on a cloud, playing a harp, but dying and rising seems to me to be the basic dynamic of life: everything from recovery from trauma to the passing of the seasons.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow: your last quote from Albert Pike gave me quite a pause, and then a good laugh. At first I thought you were quoting from James Albert Pike, the looney sort-of-Episcopal bishop of San Francisco. Joan Didion wrote a fabulous essay about him in her book The White Album, and I actually found it online. If you have a few minutes and need a good read, you can find it here.
I can see why that would make you laugh had it been true. The Albert Pike quote I used was written by guy who died in 1891. He was an attorney, Confederate soldier, writer, and Freemason.
DeleteImmortality is not your thing, you say, but your talent with a camera is sure building your legacy for you.
Believing in death and resurrection seems too far fetched to me. The closes I'd come is maybe believing our bodies at death release a force field or gasses for ether the stays part of the earth's atmosphere, a living thing we can't see.
Agree Jean..here’s about as far as I can go with resurrection..another saying I found😊
DeleteFor me death is an infinite blip. When I die I will cease to experience life and, importantly, time. The universe will eventually fizzle out and collapse and then reform into something new. This may happen several times before what I consider to be ‘me’, my spirit, if you like, can take form and exist again. At which point I will become aware of being alive again. Eons will pass and I will never remember this life, but I can imagine there will be something again. It’s immortality in a way without the curse of actual immortality!
I like that. It's like with DNA that they can now trace back 100s of years. We have echoes in our being passed on through generations and that in itself could be thought of as immortality, certainly an immortality of our species.
DeleteWe all think more about "issues" and immortality as we age, don't we? My theory is the older we get, the more we've seen/read, thus the more to worry about. lol. We had a little "event" this week when my DH fainted dead away on the bathroom floor in the early morning. I couldn't get a coherent answer out of him, so I called 911 and we had four paramedics at the foot of our bed at 6:30AM. The good news is they showed up in 10 minutes. And the better news is it appears (after multiple tests) that he just fainted. He didn't eat dinner the night before and got up quickly. Who knows? Really freaked me out.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite tombstone is in the Old Cemetery in Southampton, England, which I discovered while visiting my DD. (I love wandering cemeteries.) "She hath done what she could." I mean, who could ask for more? LOL.
Great epitaph!
DeleteThat had to be super scary. I was with my mom once when that happened but her's turned out to be micro-valve issue with her heart. But you said your husband passed multi tests so I'm sure they checked for low sugar, low blood pressure or missing heart beats.
You are missed. That's a sort of immortality.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good way of looking at it! My dad used to say if you're missed after you die you're in heaven if you're scorned after you die you're in hell.
DeleteI enjoyed your double meditation, first on denial, then on what we leave behind. Both difficult topics.
ReplyDeleteRe. denial, I believe in truth with hope. Don't pretend, but don't get hung up on possible bad outcomes. Live the best you can for the day.
Re. what we leave behind, I liked the way you thought it through and concluded "The best we can do to achieve a sort of immortality is to contribute to the pool of goodness in the world and hope together we can keep civilization moving in the right direction toward a better world." That's perfect, but as you said, easier said than done. I guess we just keep trying every day, knowing how imperfect we are but remembering that we each contribute to goodness in our own unique way.
I love the blog community where we get to sit around and compare thoughts on topics like these that we generally don't touch when we're sitting next to someone.
DeleteYou covered a lot of territory in this post. I wouldn't have thought of a TIA in forties? I doubt I even knew what they were. We all worry when we have an odd episode, or notice things have been 'off' for a few days, but I think that just comes with age, and women's persistent desire to pick on ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI just saw an article on AI possibly being a way to hold on to a loved one who has died. But could wearing that weird headset change the atmosphere in the room, or give you a hug, or laugh at your dumb joke? I think it best to grieve, let go and treasure the memories.
I certainly didn't know what a TIA is when I had them. And I was dragging my foot around a few months before I thought to see a doctor. Dumb, I know.
DeleteSooner or later we all have to let go of loved ones. Consciously I have but in my sleep I still have a repeated dream where I can't remember my husband's phone number to call him. The funny thing is I'm using the number of his cell phone that was transferred to my name after he died.
I am a fellow left-handed dyslectic, sort of, just about to turn 80. Found your blog by way of AC and am loving it.
ReplyDeleteI lose names entirely. I HATE it that I do that. However, my father did the same kind of block on names and lived to be a fine and competent 85 before an aortal aneurism that could not be patched went pop ... and so did Pop. I really, really hope to go the same way, competent to the end. I think writing helps a lot to keep us sane and connected. And you certainly are. Thanks for being you.
I'm so glad you left the common! It's not often I find another left-handed dyslectic person. Love the "sort of" you tacked on as well. You probably out-grew some of the dyslexia or found work arounds, like I did. One of the main reasons I write is because it helps my brain. If you could see the first drafts of my post you'd see how much I still have to work on. Thanks again for connecting with my blog.
DeleteDenial works for me too with many things, I just can't fixate on things beyond my Control and my Mortality is one of those things. Like you mentioned, I've known Health Nuts who dropped Dead and those who did everything wrong and lived to enjoy a very long run. I sometimes have things I'm doing or saying now which give me Pause and could be not-so-good signs, worrying over them won't do anything beneficial, I just take Note and look for things escalating to where I feel it would be at least beneficial to get it checked out and see what's up. But, who needs more Bad News these days... the World is giving us plenty of that daily.
ReplyDeleteMe too on the getting things checked out. I save up all my questions nd concerns up for my bi-annual appointments.
DeleteUneducated about TIA's is all you were as was I until I studied to be a Speech-Language Pathologist. I also learned TIA's, strokes occur to all ages, including babies, so it's not just an old person's ailment.
ReplyDeleteI don't give much thought to immortality and whether or not I'll have it. I expect if I have any that it will only be as long as someone alive remembers me. Maybe someone in future generations will see my name in the genealogy book.
I have so much respect for Speech Pathologists. They must have the patience of Job to last in the profession. You might not think about immortality but you've got to admit you've made a profound difference in many of your client's lives and their families. That's not a bad legacy to leave behind.
DeleteImmortal...never thought about it, but doesn't sound like something I would want. Interesting comparison of people who are physically active vs those who are mentally active. We need a blend of both. I probably do better on the physical part doing my walking, planks, and yoga. I've been doing Wordle, but not sure that's much. I knit and that's good for the brain as well. Staying current with news, learning new things on the computer..all of that is good for the brain; but we can't all be good at everything. Plus, the unseen real factor in one's longevity is genes...family genes. My Dad lived to be 94, his father only 60's, but the rest of his dad's family had long lives.
ReplyDeleteWe don't have enough time in a day to be good at everything. You are so right about our genes being a huge factor in longevity. I don't think a whole lot about my longevity (legacy or immortality is different) because I'm guessing I won't go quickly but rather linger with something slow and painful.
Delete