Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Death Defying Acts Born out of Boredom

I thought I’d try a trick that Dawn over at Bohemian Valhalla likes to do. She plays with catchy post titles trying to draw people into reading her blog. Did it work? She’s good at it, and me? I’ve never been good at naming things---painting, poems, essays. It’s a wonder my dogs weren’t given letters in the alphabet instead of the names I would have given my babies had I had any. Sometimes it can take me longer to name a post than to write it. I generally start out with a working title but it changes as I work on the content. Death Defying Acts---spelled ‘death defining acts’---was the working title here. Can you tell I’ve run out of things to write about? I can’t wait until Easter is over and this continuum care campus gets back normal. They’re celebrating Easter here more than Christmas and not the fluffy bunnies and pastel colored eggs kind of Easter. Wafers for Lent are easy to come by here but not a a single marshmallow Peeps has made an appearance. I might preform a death defying act this afternoon and venture out to the dollar store to get some yellow Peeps. They were in short supply last year.

I finally made it over to the activities room to see the new jigsaw puzzle table and two hours later I was still there. It’s a pleasant room with widows on both sides, lots of light. They are waiting for a couple of round card tables to make their way across the ocean, but for now there are three oblong long tables set up which I hear tell is filled with some loud and serious card games going on. But in the time I was there not a soul came in or walked by. (It was after lunch and nap time for old people. I don’t do naps so I still have bragging rights to youth---age being relative around here, of course.) 

The jigsaw puzzle in progress is large and complicated and the edges were done. The pieces were all laid out but no attempt to sort them by color or subject or shape was made. That will bug the heck out of me if I make a habit of stopping by and I think I might. I got a 4” x 7” section done and sorted all the pieces with faces on them off to one area before I forced myself to leave. At home when I do puzzles I set a timer so I’m aware of how much time goes by. I suspect I’ll need to carry my timer over when I go to that room. Otherwise the night security guard/s will probably find me still there when doing their rounds at two in the morning.

Another afternoon was saved from death by boredom when I signed up to go to our Art Museum downtown, to see an exhibition of work by two black photographers of “great importance” in the field: Dawould Bey and Carrie Mae Weems. It covered work from over forty years of their careers and the pamphlet we were handed called them “today’s most important and influential photo-based artists.” They both worked entirely in black and white and his stuff, which was mostly portraits and candid stuff taken in Harlem, I liked but her work I hated. She was in every single picture she took and she called her stuff “performance art.” She sets up a still life of objects and/or people, sets a timer so can run around in front of the camera and be part of the photograph. Forty years of doing selfies would put me on the train to Crazyville and the bitch factor in me wondered if she is a recognized photographer for her endurance rather than for any artistic quality in the photos. Forty years is a long time to be shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!"

One set of 12 'kitchen table' photos told a story and viewers are supposed to guess what it is. We had one of those I’m-smarter-than-you-because-I-understand-this-stuff museum docents you get once in a while who asked questions trying to get us to see what she saw and she was Oh So impressed with the talent on display. In turn I was thinking I was Oh So not enjoying Ms. Weems’ photo-art. I didn’t just not like it, I had a physical reaction to it that felt like anger mixed with wanting to get out of Dodge as quick as possible. And the longer the docent made us sit there trying to get us to cough up answers the madder I got.

And it’s just now dawning on me that I was probably so uncomfortable because maybe I was flashing-back to when my husband was in speech therapy and they’d throw photos down in front of him and try to pull language out of him by pointing out stuff in the photos. On a good day a half hour session would yield 4-5 words. One time they showed Don a picture of a man with a gun pointing at a baby elephant and the entire yield of words that day was “BAD!” repeated over and over again while Don slammed his finger down on the photo. I was sitting behind a one-way mirror and I explained to the professor in the room with her students watching the session that Don was a very ethical hunter and the hunter in the photo obviously was not. The poor student therapist working with Don that day didn’t have a chance of getting a good grade that session. Instead of the student therapist trying to pull words out of him he turned the tables on her and had her doing the word search work. A common error for the students (and families) to make.

I was Don's aphasia interpreter for 12 1/2 years and for six year of that time I helped him with homework using photos of random scenes. It wasn't art. It wasn't performance. At the museum Weems' photos became tools that the gloating docent used to give me a look at my past and my future, should I ever have a stroke and can't talk. If art is about evoking an emotional response then her kitchen table series was a huge success. But somehow I don't think 'my emotions' were what she was going for, do you?  ©

Photo from Carrie Mae Weems' kitchen table series.

44 comments:

  1. That docent was actually quite rude. The purpose of a docent is to answer questions from the public, NOT to irritate or try to pump them for language that would support their personal viewpoints of life/art. Bad is the right word for that experience! I think I would have just stood up (if sitting) and said, "Thank you for your time. I need to leave." and with that statement I would leave. Life is too short to be held hostage by a rude docent!

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    1. Couldn't really leave. We were in a group of 7 and had a privately arranged tour on a day the museum closed to the public and we had to stay together. Afterward, a couple of ladies said how much they liked the docents style and couple of ladies, like me, didn't like it at all.

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  2. Surprise! I thought I'd read your blog tonight. I so agree that headlines are what lure readers in. I may start do some again whether it is relevant to the topic or not.

    So glad you have a puzzle room. I need to get back to spending an hour of two at the clubhouse puzzle room in the Library. So many faces I don't recognize! Rumors are rumbling about a community wide potluck in April.

    Maybe you could be the mysterious Peep Provider without getting caught!

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    1. If Peeps came individually wrapped I'd do that. We have a candy dish at the concierges' desk that needs filling from time to time.

      Titles do help search engines to find blogs but it hurts my head to try to come up with ones that both fit the content and are catchy, so I've quit trying.

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  3. Wow that was powerful. Since I don't understand the point of selfies and try very hard to not be in pictures, selfies are a mentality that angers me and I run from those people. Add a dose of your background with this and I certainly understand how all this would be a trigger. But what the hell was 'she going for' is my question.

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    1. The idea of taking selfies for forty years---long before they were popular---doesn't say 'art' to me. But then art is subjective and I do try to understand why something is called 'the most important' in any field. The museum even had scheduled "conversations" for groups of people who wanted a guided lecture about that kitchen table series.

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  4. I think I would have had the same reaction to the Vain Photographer having to be in every single Photo she had taken over 40 Years! I dislike Oprah's Magazine 'O' for the same reason, does she HAVE to be on every single Cover? The Vanity factor is just annoying, we get it already, it's your Mag, but it make me not want to even open it and explore the contents... I'd feel the same about that Woman's Photography, I'd be too fixated on her Photo Bombing each one to appreciate any of the rest of the Photo's content. Thanks for the Shout Out, Hook Lines are Fun, but I too often leave a Post Title 'til last and change it a few times. Hook Lines in Songs is what got me thinking about Hook Lines in Blog Titles... drawing people in to a Story being told, either thru Song or the Written Word is often based on what attracts us to it. I'm a Sucker for a good Hook. The Lead Photo is important to me too when I'm doing a Post since it shows up in the Thumbnail Advertisement of the Post along with the Title chosen. Speaking of going for our Emotions... I had that Confirmation Hearing just Trigger the Hell out of me, watching a Spectacle of Abuse heaped upon a dignified, intelligent Woman of Color that had to sit there and endure it while it was televised and on Public Display was just humiliating for her and angered me that it was allowed. Why? Why are such spectacles of Hatred, Ignorance, Abuse, Racism and Misogyny ALLOWED? She rose above them all and remained poised and dignified, me, I was losing my shit just watching it and got very Emotional to where I had to just turn it off before I imploded! The fact the Base will applaud and justify such behavior bothers me even more... since, clearly, it was done for their entertainment and benefit from a Politically debased standpoint.

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    1. Watching that hearing reminded me of all the hours Hillary endured the same kind of abuse. Had either one of them acted like Kavanaugh the far right would have been all over that. Ted Cruz is the worst! He used to know better and watched his own wife get abused by Trump then came around to lick his boots anyway.

      You are the queen of good post titles. LOL

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  5. Well you've got me thinking, Jean. This post has me wondering about human nature, in general. I had never heard of the artists but did look up their work. Because I've never created art, it's hard for me to understand the motivation it takes to produce it. But I've often wondered if the process is mainly to help the artists discover themselves, or to educate the viewers. I guess it could be both. Then when you mentioned Don's therapy, it also caused me to think about how medicine works (and often doesn't work) in our society. I really appreciate our doctors, but the truth is, most of them practice medicine in very black and white methods. One-size-fits-all mentality. But once in a while, you run across a practitioner who really listens to the patient, and treats the individual rather than the diagnosis. Thanks for the post, Jean. It made me think...Have a good weekend. Go get you some Peeps!!!

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    1. The purpose of art has changed over the centuries. In the early years when the churches practically made slaves of anyone with any talent art was to tell a stories about people and events in the Bible to those who couldn't read. Fore example The famous Last Supper painting most of us know. The churches controlled art for centuries. I don't understand the art that the experts say is great today.

      As for why artists are driven to create. Like everything else there is no one-size-fit-all answer. Self-discovery is one reason and to let out emotions is another. For me it's always been a challenge I can't quite conquer.

      Glad you enjoyed this post.

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  6. Maybe a lot of your antipathy toward Weems's work was due to the presence of the docent and your previous experience with your husband. Part of The Kitchen Table Series is permanently housed here in Cleveland. I find it captivating and and engaging, and don't get that "selfie" feeling at all. As a matter of fact, I get a sort of generous and inclusive feeling, as if I'm being given a chance to enter a life that I'd have never gotten a chance to experience without her invitation.

    So often, artists give up themselves when they create their art. Carrie Weems got to be a part of it, literally, and show us herself as a part of hers.

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    1. She was in town recently to discuss her work and answer questions. A couple of the retired art professors here went to the talk and came back raving about her work. I'm obviously not open-minded enough to see work the same way you and others see it. Thanks for adding your thoughts here for the balance.

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  7. Know what your mean about titles getting hits. I inadvertently posted one"My Hole Keeps Closing" referring to my pierced ears but it really rakes in the hits. You never know who is listening. I would have resented the docent as she tried to make you do her job for her. I can see how it reminded you of the painful speech sessions with Don.
    Be interesting to see how many hits your title brings in.

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    1. Oh, my, that title would bring in few from outside the blog community. LOL

      I don't know what a good docent is supposed to be/do but she's the second one we've had down at the museum this year who used that same style. They both sat us down in front of a painting (or series) and asked us what we saw. I much prefer those taped docents you carry around with you so you can spend time in front of pieces you actually want to study.

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  8. That does not sound like a good docent. They should be able to explain and answer questions, give background; not quiz the people with any sense of judgment. I can't say the image you shared with me was particularly my cuppa tea, that's for sure. Slice of life photos can be interesting, even odd (Diane Arbus comes to mind). Hmmm. I would give this a pass.

    I think you need to bring the bunny (or chicks) to your gang! They need some lightening up, it sounds. But then you are in GR so good luck with that. I love Easter decorating because it's spring and I love cooking for it and eggs and dying them and all, baskets... but it can get a little heavy if you think about it too much. I know it's supposed to be joyous and it is the ultimate act of reincarnation but I'd rather stick with the bunny, deviled eggs, scalloped potatoes and a pavlova. I find Christmas much more uplifting.

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    1. Read what I wrote about the docent to Patti (above). The role of a docent might have evolved---at least here maybe.

      Weems work is definitely suppose to be a slice of life kind of theme. So you'd probably enjoy the exhibit.

      I love the sweet little pastel bunnies of Easter and wish I'd kept the ones I had.

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  9. Well, you made me look - at the art of the artist you didn't like. That docent should have read the prose she wrote to go with different photos and explained how she was trying to make statements about the experience of women in everyday life. Didn't particularly love her photos but her approach made more sense in that context. It is interesting that you were able to relate part of your frustration back to your experience with living with and caring for a stroke victim for many years.

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    1. When I was sitting there in the museum I was trying to figure out why I was so angry but it wasn't until two days later when I started writing about it that the answer came.

      Even knowing about how she is trying to make statements about women in everyday life, it still seems gimnickey to not just use photos of women in everyday life. But here we are discussing her work so that kind of proves why she's made a name for herself.

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  10. I'm not a fan of jigsaw puzzles but I would feel compelled to organize the pieces also. The 40 years of selfies is crazy; they were so hard to take in the past that it really would take endurance. So sorry that the pictures brought back painful memories.

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    1. I used to be quite into photography in the '70s, even developed my own. I went through a brief time when I experimented with using a timer to take selfies. As I was sitting in front of her work I asked myself if I was jealous that she kept at it and made a name for herself.

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  11. That docent sounds like she took you all along on her ego trip. Not fun.
    Yeah, when I have an overly strong reaction to something I’m like you and reflect later that it came from within rather than from what I just experienced. I think this kind of self awareness is good, and should be encouraged and talked about more. A lot of potential conflict/angst can be dealt with more effectively if the person just realizes they are having a strong reaction because of something within, instead of the person/event before them.

    Deb

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    1. The docent got mixed reviews from our group...I'm guess that's because people have different ways of learning that works better for them than others.

      I totally agree with you about people needing to be more self aware. Had I reacted the way I felt on the spot I would have embarrassed myself, her and the others in the group over something that had more to do with my prior experiences than anything the docent said.

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  12. I agree that your emotions weren't the ones the docent was trying to force out of people, but your emotions were more profound and sincere. I can understand why you felt like you did. I also am with you about "She was in every single picture she took" because that kind of self-reverential behavior makes me snarl.

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    1. She supposedly tries to show slice of life stuff in her photos. Well, then go out and find slices of life instead of setting them up. That's my opinion. And obviously because she didn't/doesn't do that her style has made her famous in the art word.

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    2. I did laugh at "go out and find slices of life." I agree.
      NRinMS

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  13. Peeps! Yeah! I'll buy some at 50% off after Easter and give myself a stomach ache.

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  14. Thanks. I looked up the pictures and some reviews. One says,

    "Carrie Mae Weems produced a prolific and iconic series in which she portrays the everyday black woman in her sanctuary of the Kitchen, these grayscale images depict a mother, wife, and everyday woman in her domestic kingdom; a scenario never before conceptualized in Contemporary Art, however, also in the eyes of an unallied societal discussion as well. These powerful images were a moral force at the time of their release and have been acquired by highly acclaimed institutions since, to create discussion on the black woman in the confines of her space, how she lives her life, despite any pre-existing connotations of her identity from the outside world."

    https://shantelsibart.wordpress.com/2019/04/28/carrie-mae-weems/

    It goes on and on, of course, but I can see why people respond to the pictures. I think having her in them is part of their power. That said, I'm glad I didn't have to sit through the tour! In general I hate tours.

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    1. That article you linked is talking about the same series I wrote about only our docent didn't claim it to be an everyday woman but rather on whose marriage broke up and she's alone in the end of her life.

      At my age the only way I'm going to get to go to museums and exhibits downtown is with a tour. A bus picked us up at our door, dropped us off at the museum's door and picked us back up again when we'd had our private tour. I think all interaction with art is good whether I like the art or not. It opens the mind. The other half of the tour with the guy's work made it worth going and she gave me fodder for a post.

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  15. You could have every one of my Peeps -- except that you'll never find ne of those things in my house. Not a fan. I did laugh at this: "“today’s most important and influential photo-based artists.” At last count, there were around a couple of thousand most important and influential photo-based artists. Most of them give themselves the title, and their work, while "interesting" may or may not stand the test of time.

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    1. I don't know who writes the content for those pamphlets to call this pair of photographers “today’s most important and influential photo-based artists” but I'm guessing it's the curator who put the traveling exhibit together. I don't know the field and its history well enough to agree or disagree. It's a pretentious title isn't it.

      One box of four yellow Peeps is enough to keep me connected with past good memories. I still have my Easter basket from when I was a kid that now holds a life-sized ceramic cat curled up and sleeping inside.

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  16. That docent sounds annoying and the last thing I need when viewing art is someone asking me what I see. LOL. That said, I'm curious about this exhibit and haven't been downtown to the art museum since the last Art Prize had exhibits there. Maybe I should go...I could use an outing.

    As for Peeps, I like to open the package to the air and let them harden for a while and then I find them somewhat palatable. My SIL is nuts for them and I'm sure they'll start showing up on her FB page any day now.

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    1. The art museum has a quilt show of Carole Harris' work. that might be more interesting, but both are there now. She does "freeform quilts"---whatever those are. We're going to try to go that show on a different outing. The exhibit I wrote about will be there until April 30th, the quilts until June 18th.

      I think of Peeps more for decorating that for eating. Peeps are not one of my favorites but they are truly iconic for Easter. I can't image eating them when they get hard. We all have our quirks, don't we.

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    2. The Quilt Show sounds more interesting to me!

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    3. Me too, but I guess she doesn't do traditional quilts or rather she's evolved to a different kind of quilting.

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  17. I rarely enjoy a museum, unless it's a history museum. I look at some art pieces and wonder why anyone likes them. I really dislike modern paintings as they look like a 6 year old through paint on a canvass to me, so get your reaction to the docent; but it's good you had the opportunity to get out of the building for awhile. A good friend of mine often stays up late at night because she can't pull herself away from the puzzle, then complains her eyes bother her, lol. Sounds like lots of activity choices there to keep you busy, which is a good thing.

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    1. Pulling yourself away from a puzzle is really hard. I do the same thing complaining about eye strain after staying up late. LOL

      I like history museum as well.

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  18. I suppose someone at your continuum care campus thought your were too old for peeps and candy eggs. But everyone likes sugar and spongy little chicks to pop in your mouth and the bright pastels of the Easter season.

    I don't even like to do selfies now that we're in the age of selfies. I can't imagine her doing it for the past 40 years. Photography is more about noticing and appreciating the world around us rather than being a narcissist and jumping into every scene.

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    1. Modern art is hard for me to understand in general. Art's whole purpose seems to have changed since I studied it back in the last century. It's not that I don't understand the fascination with using a timer to put yourself in front of a camera, I do. But most photographers outgrow the gimmick.

      Next time I get out I'm going to buy some chocolate eggs for the community candy dish, if I can find the small, wrapped kind.

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  19. I hate being forced to sit through something I hate like that. I probably won't have been able to but I would have loved being at the art museum. I'm so jealous of all the neat things you get to do.

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    1. Does your place have an activities director? If so maybe you could get her/him to organize a trip to an art museum.

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  20. The problem with art is you can't eat it IMHO (however I was inspired to Google Carrie Mae Weems by this piece) Now off to Google "Peeps", we don't have those in the UK.

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    1. I'm sure you found plenty on Weems to satisfy your curiosity. Peeps are a candy like treat made of marshmallow and kind of resembling a row of baby chicks and bunnies. They've been around since the 1950s but only recently did they come in colors other than yellow. It's a sign of spring when we seet them in the stores.

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