I allowed myself to get distracted from what I actually sat down at my computer to do because I have been putting off creating the document I’ve needed to write for over month now. Remember back when I had a Trust drawn up? Everything that had to be done regarding my estate planning book has been done except for a ‘Personal Property Distribution’ sheet of things I want to go to whoever like jewelry, art, family artifacts and my car. You should see the Personal Property Distribution document I had the last time I did my estate planning back after my husband died and before I did a major downsizing to move to this continuum care complex. It was three pages long and most of that stuff I sold or gave away in recent years. Now, I’m down to twenty-five items on my draft and they’d all fit in a average size suitcase except for my car which may or may not get sold long before I die if my ability to drive safety goes first.
If you followed my blog during the epic downsizing project that literally took me two years you’ll know my husband and I were materialistic by nature. Don had a T-shirt once that said, “The one who dies with the most toys wins” and, boy, did he try to win that contest. His favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning was to get up before dawn and get to the flea market while the sellers were still unpacking their goods. His family had lost most of their worldly possessions in two tornadoes that hit their farm ten years a part and and I think he was trying to buy back his childhood. He never passed up a collectible toy, hand tool or advertising piece made before 1950. And Barbie Dolls. In his lifetime he undressed more Barbie Dolls at flea markets and garage sales than a whole gaggle of little girls could do in their dreams. He never did find the elusive 1959 Barbie worth today around $8,000 to $10,000 but he did find 6 or 7 that we resold for $100 each which was good price back in the last century when we were buying and selling antiques. Don had the ability to read a book on a certain type of collectible and remember the key dates and the markings to look for.
Now, I look at my list of twenty-five items and think, “What does it really matter what happens to, say, a trench lighter from WWI that my dad had acquired? The youngest members of my family didn’t know my dad and as far as I know none of the middle aged one are into wartime history or collectibles or collecting Tobacciana even if that lighter does looks does like a Rube Goldberg contraption. What do you do as elderly person trying to find homes for stuff? Do you try to explain what something old and useless is and why you like it? Do your best to make them like it too, or do you sell it to stranger who doesn’t have to be talked into anything? Or do you keep it until someone hauls your stuff off to Goodwill where a collector like Don likes to shop to find their hidden-in-plain-sight treasures?
I’m seriously thinking of making a twenty-five page picture book of my favorite old things with their histories included. I know exactly where this longing to keep generations connected to family objects comes from. I didn’t have grandparents growing up but my best friend since kindergarten had two sets, one living within walking distant and her grandparents all told such wonderful stories about all their treasured antiques brought over from the old country. I was still in my teens when I started buying antiques and they spoke to me as clearly as the elderly people in my friend’s family. I could imagine, for example, all the places an old whale oil lamp had traveled before it landed in my hands. My old lamps are still some of my favorite possessions and young people don’t even recognize them as a lighting source today.
The bottom line is that when I downsized I was happy to sell and give stuff away to people I thought really appreciate the stuff I had. For example, one time we went to an estate sale and many of the things the old man had, had notes attached that gave the history of those pieces. I bought the first pair old long pants the guy had as a child in 1902---a beautifully tailored, tiny wool pair of nickers---and I left his note in the pocket with one of my own when I sold those pants on e-Bay in 2020. The woman who got them was thrilled with the notes and said when she was ready to part with them she’d add her own note. If I were King that’s what would happen to all the interesting objects in the world. They would come with pedigrees. ©
* The pants at the top are actually nickers---knee length---that the old man had labeled "my first pair of long pants." Note the tailored hole in the crotch for little boys to use when they needed to pee.
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| Trench lighter were flameless and were used during WW1 so the enemy couldn't see where the soldiers were hiding in dug-out trenches. |
That's so sweet about the pants!
ReplyDeleteAren't they! Its not that hard to find Victorian wear clothing for little girls but not so easy to find them for little boys. I've always loved those pants.
DeleteI'm amazed you were able to sell those nickers!
ReplyDeleteI'm also materialistic and picked up lots of stuff from charity shops. During renovations, I got so fed up that I chucked out stuff in sheer frustration. My daughter occasionally sends me internet ads of old pots/plates/paintings - some identical to those I chucked in the bin - sold by others for a pretty penny. C'est la vie! I don't have a knack for selling. ~ Libby
You can sell just about anything on eBay with good pictures and a nice write up. If memory serves me right I got close to $50 for those pants.
DeleteI follow a group on Facebook, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, that is quite interesting if you want ideas for your “things.” You are way ahead of these folks as many of them are just now letting go of a lifetime of collecting. It’s mainly a group that encourages members to begin the process of clearing out unused items that would be a burden for their heirs to deal with. It’s not Marie Condo.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of the Swedish Death Cleaning tradition. I hate the title but the concept makes sense. I actually did it because I wanted to move and had too much money tied up in collectables just to give them away. Plus I didn't want my heirs to have to deal with them.
DeleteOver the summer I helped my 80ish sister and her husband move from their 4000+ sq ft home of 40+ years to a 1200 ft condo. My sister had delighted in furnishing a good bit of the house from estate sales. Imagine our shock when we couldn't find a place who would accept a Shaker cabinet as a donation. Or a burl wood dresser. Or tons of other things. We consigned and donated what we could but after months of careful downsizing some of those things went to trash. Heartbreaking. I worry about the few family pieces that I have becauseI have no children and none of my 7 nephews have any interest at all in owning them. Like you, I've always been drawn to those things that connect me to my grandparents, who I never knew.
ReplyDeleteNina
I blame Marie Condo for the market on antique dropping in the last 10 years she's been pushing her less in more philosophy. A burl wood dresser or Shaker cabinet I would have sent to a local consignment auction but even they are struggling from the Marie Condo effect.
DeletePeople who grew up with grandparents often take those relationships for granted, don't they.
My daughter was a furniture designer for a number of years and she told me a while back that younger people just aren't as enamored with wood pieces or "dark" furniture as they used to be. You can see that trend on the TV design shows where everyone is hot for mid-century modern. But, recently, she said the pendulum is swinging back again. So, there's hope.
DeleteThe pendulum always swings back if you can wait it out which most of us can't. The hottest era for collectibles is the era in which the people with disposal income grandparents lived in thus now mid-century modern. I think the white on white look has been around long enough that I can see that going out of style soon. My folks at some mid-century stuff and my niece is crazy for the look.
DeleteI don't have a list of who gets what in my trust. I don't care who gets all of my old things when I die. My children and friends can split it up or sell it or give it away. It just doesn't matter to me.
ReplyDeleteOr argue over your stuff and not speak to each other for several years. Seen that happen a time or two.
DeleteI don't have the predicament you do. The stuff I collect is nothing of value--mostly decorative items that I've already started winnowing and streamlining. The most valuable thing we have is our lakehouse and property.
ReplyDeleteI have my grandmother's mahogany dining room set, which is huge. Who in the heck will want it when we're dead? Probably no one. One of her curly oak beds was already donated or tossed. No one had a place for it after it had been stored for ages, hoping someone could use it. It's sad, but that's sometimes what happens.
I've already told my sons that it's all just stuff and not to feel compelled by sentiment. I hope it's not a tough situation.
Blogger's is acting up and not letting me comment on my own blog with my own name, but I want to say that I have a hard time separating the 'just stuff' from the stuff I care about. Most of the stuff I really cared about went I downsized because I wanted to find homes where they were appreciated and often that meant selling rather than giving it away. But now where I live that would be hard to do.
DeleteYou are right about heirs fighting over things. I saw a battle over throw pillows once. Your PPD document should settle all that. Looked up trench lighter and was surprised to learn that lighters actually came before matches.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that! I would have guessed that matches predated lighters.
DeleteHeirs don't fight over things of material value as often as they fight over things that have memories attached, so the throw pillow battle doesn't surprise me.
I'd have a Panic Attack attempting to have a Personal Property Distribution Document, since, I'll never get down to 25 pages, let along 25 items Jean. *Bwahahaha* Once I'm gone I guess I won't really Care what happens to it all... I already suspect most would be Donated, I doubt they'd discard it as worthless since they all know better than that. But, I don't know they'd spend the time and energy to resell the Good Stuff and Cash out on their Inheritance either, even if they needed the Money, it would be a lot of Work to liquidate, as you well know. But, the Return on that Investment, especially if you didn't even pay for any of it, is considerable and worth it as a secondary source of Cash flow IMO. I know I rely on the Hundreds I make Bi-Weekly just Selling Off excess, it's something too many Elderly don't have the Liquidity of and so they end up broke and struggling in their Pension Years and without Options. The Options was always my End Game, I like Options.
ReplyDeleteAs much stuff has you have your Personal Property Distribution document should just be filled with contact information for reliable auction houses, estate sales people and dealers that you trust to give your heirs a fair price. Have them turn the entire garage over to a professional or even call American Pickers to do a show at your place. Your family does know it's valuable but how how many of the resources for liquidating in mass is locked inside your head?
DeleteI hate it when I see elderly people give away stuff they could sell when they are struggling to make ends meet.
When DH and I married, we each drew up a list of personal property and who gets what. Now it's obsolete, as many things are sold or given away, etc. We probably need to revisit the topic, although I don't think either of us would get into an argument with the kids over anything. I do fear him going before me (likely given our ages and family histories) and me having to divy up his stuff between his kids. They will both want several of his more valuable pieces if I had to guess. Time to get him to redo his list.
ReplyDeleteI love those little pants and that tailored hole in the crotch...looks like a big button hole. LOL.
The hole was made like a button hole. So cute.
DeleteYou'll have to come up with a method to deal with several kids wanting the same piece. I've heard of the family auction where each kid is given play money to bit on what they want. Drawing straws works too. My husband's family drew straws to see who went first, second and so on in picking something from their mom's estate, then they kept going around and around in the same order until no one wanted anything else.
My mom was executor for her mother, and I think they went around with each person taking one thing. It's a good idea for multiple things. But I'm still going to ask him to redo his list so his two boys don't think I'm favoring either of them if I'm in charge. ;-)
DeleteYes, heirs often fight if there aren't clear directives on distributing property. When there's something in writing, they might get upset with the deceased, but probably not the other heirs. I once had a friend who was an attorney and he said he had witnessed folks fighting over Tupperware and empty Cool Whip containers. I'm not kidding, either. Gotta be something much deeper going on for that to happen.
ReplyDeleteI continue to donate and absolutely love the feeling it brings me. My kids are thrilled that we've gotten rid of so much stuff. However, my husband has a way of squirreling things away in our son-in-law's sheds. He likes to keep things, "just in case..." It took me several years, but I'm finally to the point that I either need or really love what's left of our belongings.
Gosh, those little knickers are so doggone cute!
I can believe the fights over Tupperware. Your husband's keeping things 'just in case' is the mindset my folks and others who've lived through tough times had. It's an emotional need that brings a sense of security.
DeleteYour list is a great idea, Jean. As is leaving notes explaining the history of older items. Antiques have been out of fashion for a while, but as TTPT also commented: yes, I think the pendulum is swinging back again. I like older things - they have the patina of age and were almost invariably made better than stuff today.
ReplyDeleteDeb
So true. Older furniture can be painted and stripped a dozen times and still be made stronger than the crap they make now.
DeleteThere are times when I wish I had more family things but other times when I am glad. My Mother's apartment was bombed in Berlin during WWII ... so there went that stuff. My grandmother seemingly didn't have much so when she went to England she only had some photos..When we emigrated to the US we were allowed only 2 suitcases. On my mother's last move to Canada she sold just about everything including my childhood toys!! You wouldn't believe my hunt through the farm's attics to find what I could when she died. My children don't want me to get rid of anything - theirs, their Fathers or mine.. but it will all be put in boxes till they die!
ReplyDeleteOr you could start giving your kids some of the stuff you know they want for Christmas and birthday presents while you can enjoy their joy at getting them. I bought the house I grew up in and it had a lot of my brother's toys still in the attic so for several Christmas I gave him back a truck one year and another year I made a shadow box with some of his tiny toys. He was delighted. And doing this saves you money to buy them new things.
DeleteWhat an interesting but sad history your family has. When there are so few things to pass down they take on a life of their own, don't they. Sometimes I think about my grandfather coming to America with just a small wicker suitcase and how much stuff his sons had accumulated by the end of their lives and it's mind-blowing.
By the way, I think you're a first time commenter so welcome. I checked out your blog and we have something in common. I used to make teddy bears too. I only have four left that I've made and 5-6 tiny designer teddies that I still adore. The smallest I've ever been able to make if 5 inches. I loved making full sized teddy bears too.
they don't want it now... they want us to store it..lol...but when we die they will be stuck!!
DeleteLOL Funny how that works ,isn't it.
DeleteMy father-in-law, a first-generation Sicilian, always wore an Italian horn on a gold necklace. My husband and his brother decided to bury him in it. At the open-casket family viewing, they were talking to people out in the lobby when they were summoned to come back in by one cousin reporting on another, trying to take the necklace off his neck while he was in his casket! My husband and his brother shooed her away, but not for good apparently. She was spotted wearing on later occasions.. A few years later, she called my husband. The necklace had been stolen (The gall of someone to steal the necklace she's stolen!) and she was trying to put through an insurance claim. She wanted my husband to testify as to its value. When he confronted her, she claimed that my father-in-law had told her it would be hers because she'd loaned him some money--he never would have asked for or taken money from her--and he'd promised the necklace in return. My husband declined to testify as to its worth. A few months ago, she tried to "friend" me on Facebook. Nope. I'm not stepping into that fight.
ReplyDeleteStealing jewelry at a funeral parlor is nothing new. I'm sure undertakers to tell a lot of similar stories like yours. It's a good reminder that if you truly do have a promise of an heirloom then get it in writing. I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with that cousin. Causing a scene at in that situation would add so much extra stress to an already stressful time.
DeleteI had a cousin claim that my mom promised her a cookbook that had been my mom's grandmother's. She claimed it was promised to her by the grandmother. That book had been in our house for nearly 60 years and never replied to my cousin's letter asking for. I figured if she really thought she had a claim to it she should have asked my mom for ii, not me.
Knickers! Somewhere I have a photo of my Grandfather in knickers very similar! Thankfully I have just Kate and Jesse. She could care less and he will save everything. We have so many knick knacks in this tiny place but he has a memory of every single one .... and some are Ralph's.
ReplyDeleteI love sentimental guys. Kate and Jesse will work it out. Hopefully, by the time you die your grandsons will have wives and they'll be added into the picture for a few cat fights over your Tupperware. LOL
DeleteI tried to give away to some of my nieces and nephews - as well as the Great ones - something of my mothers that I thought they would care to do something with - it's a square type head scarf with a patterning on which was a souvenir. No replies so it stays here and may find it's way into one of my artworks. We have a whanau/family fb page where every now and then they want memories...appears only written ones!
ReplyDeleteMy mom did a lot of handcrafted things and my nieces and I got the pick of the 'litter' so I photographed some of her stuff and offering to it anyone who wanted it on my Facebook page. I was surprised that three of her nieces wanted some of her crochet pieces. I did the same thing with a few things that came from my husband's side of the family. I only had one request that they had to pick the stuff up within x number of days. The the filter on Facebook it's real easy to tag who you want to see those kinds of post.
DeleteAt least a scarf is doesn't take up much room. I had some of those souvenir scarves. They are fun to display in the right place.
My big question was, "So what does the orange light signify?" Well, I got that answered. Every now and then something on my phone pops up and I think,"What in the..." Thank goodness for Google and YouTube.
ReplyDeleteI had Swedish grandparents, and her approach was related. Every year she did what we called "Grandma's New Year's toss." She'd go through the entire house and re-decide what needed to be kept and what needed to be moved on. I do the same thing, except I go through the process about April or May, when I decide what to take when I evacuate for the hurricane. I'm slowly, slowly reducing my possessions, but the odd thing is that I never miss what I move on. A dozen 'things" can hold a lot of memories. There's no need to keep every Valentine or report card when a couple will do.
I can see how living in a hurricane prone area it would be a good to de-clutter a house yearly. I have missed a few things I got rid of and had to buy again since moving. But with collectibles and sentimental things I haven't regretted any departures. I applied your process of only keeping one or two to representative of the whole. I kept two lighters for example out of the hundreds I sold. The one above of my dads' and a silver one I bought my husband that he carried if we were gong some where upscale. and fun.
DeleteJean, I go through this all the time -- and never get beyond the thinking part because it makes me so crazy. I've told Rick to just invite a certain group of folks over and say take what you want and the rest goes on the estate sale. But there are certain things -- family things, especially -- that need to be written down. And for whatever reason, I just can't seem to write them down. And I need to do that. Kids don't want our stuff and who knows if I'll outlive the cousins or vice versa. I suppose in the long run it doesn't matter -- except it does to me. I want people to like them. Want them. We are a different generation of most of those who will be left when we go. And now I'm really depressed.
ReplyDeleteWhen we're gone people will want a memento or two even if now they say they don't. It's too hard to think about an older loved one dying thus they can't think in terms of what they might like to remember us by when we're gone.
DeleteMy nieces were close to my parents and when we were going through their house after they both died and we could take anything we wanted one of my nieces wanted a Pyrex mixing bowl. No value, no intrinsic beauty but to her it held memories of making cookies with my mom. Your house if full of memory makers with the boys.
I don't recall being asked to create a Personal Property Document when completely revised my estate plan in 2021, putting everything in Trust. I sensed my beloved belongings would be a burden for family members - older siblings and no children - to deal with, so I must have indicated to my lawyer (my executor) that she could ask living sibling to have a go at them, then liquidate what they're not interested in. I am doing more nesting than traveling these days. As I explore new interests, like knife sharpening on whet stones, I delight in learning the Japanese techniques and acquiring the specialized tools. Who's going to want those hand tools? That's not my concern.
ReplyDeleteThe Personal Property Document both times I did my estate planning was not done in the lawyers office but was rather a handout they gave out to be completed at home with no need to witness.
DeleteSharping knifes? I've seen a guy doing that as a vendor at summer farmer's markets. The is a pot for every lid as they say in the antiques and collectibles world.
We are on the third generation of drawing numbers and choosing in that order until you drop out or it is gone. I think it works well. I would not assign property ownership because taste and interest change. IE- my sister used to want my grandmother’s China. Now, with Mom at 92, sis is a 67 yr old widow with no children. No interest anymore. I think my brother’s daughter is interested. (Thank goodness- it is darling).
ReplyDeleteWe cut our possession by more then half when we moved. Our will says “take turns”. I am betting it will be our grands, not our children, who will be taking things.
I love your idea of just saying 'take turns' in your will. I think I will bought it and just make the list of things I'd like to stay in the family and suggest the drawing numbers if anyone wants anything.
DeleteI have been debating the disposal of my "precious junk" in my own mind for some time too. I need to make a new will, and soon, and what am I going to do with it all?
ReplyDeleteValuable stuff like antiques is to be sold via auction; there's nobody in the family who appreciates it like I do. "No room for it, don't need it, too ancient", that's what I hear. Is it only the very rich and the very poor who love their "heirlooms"?
Everybody else wants mass produced tat and cheap furniture to throw out when a new thing comes into fashion.
Yes, I know I sound old and whiny, but so be it.
Friko
I came to the same conclusion when I was downsizing that if people were willing to pay for stuff at auction, then those things would be appreciated a bit longer. Bits making people feel obligated to take things, I did a bit of that and I wish I hadn't.
Delete