Welcome to the Misadventures of Widowhood blog!

Welcome to my World---Woman, widow, senior citizen seeking to live out my days with a sense of whimsy as I search for inner peace and friendships. Jeez, that sounds like a profile on a dating app and I have zero interest in them, having lost my soul mate of 42 years. Life was good until it wasn't when my husband had a massive stroke and I spent the next 12 1/2 years as his caregiver. This blog has documented the pain and heartache of loss, my dark humor, my sweetest memories and, yes, even my pity parties and finally, moving past it all. And now I’m ready for a new start, in a new location---a continuum care campus in West Michigan, U.S.A. Some people say I have a quirky sense of humor that shows up from time to time in this blog. Others say I make some keen observations about life and growing older. Stick around, read a while. I'm sure we'll have things in common. Your comments are welcome and encouraged. Jean

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

The Family Reunion and the Baby Sprinkle


It was a busy weekend here in the land of Jean of Sunny West Michigan where poor Levi was treated like Cinderella who had to stay home and keep the home fires burning while I partied---first at a family reunion on Saturday and then at a ‘Baby Sprinkle’ on Sunday. But don’t feel too sorry for Levi. Both days he got extra-long walks around the neighborhood as a trade-off for my guilt and I managed to bag up a huge amount of---well, dog poop and we stopped at a zillions places to mark where other canines had no doubt marked so I knew Levi wouldn’t suffer with his legs crossed while I was off in the boondocks seeing cousins I hadn’t seen in years one day, and toddlers the next.

I was not the oldest person at the reunion but I was the only one who has documented my mom’s side of the family in writing and as we sat on a porch overlooking a lake with the youngest generation playing in the water, questions were swirling around me. Ohmygod, that’s when I realized just how bad my memory has gotten! I couldn’t answer any of the dates, places and relationship type questions with any degree of certainty but, thankfully, my older niece had her copy of the family history book there where we could fact-checked older me against my younger self. I made a joke about how I research something, put it in writing and then kick the information out of my brain to make room for more. But apparently that’s more fact than fiction. I often joke that someday when I’m living in a nursing home visitors can read my self-published books to me to remind me of who I used to be. I’m going to cross-stitch that idea on a pillow so my nieces don’t forget because I sure will. But seriously, it’s scary to think that a day is coming sooner rather than later when I won’t remember to come in out of the rain.

Not all of my cousins were at the reunion but the ones I was the closest with growing up were there---the three girls from two sets of twins. And so was their mother who now lives in a nursing home. Boy, was she still sharp! I used to babysit the two sets of twins and what a workout that was. Another cousin who also babysat them from time to time said we got paid twenty-five cents an hour. You could have held a gun to my head and I couldn’t have come up with that detail. All around me was chit-chat about everyone's grandchildren and how they are on deck to babysit. I couldn’t add to that conversation having never had kids but I threw in the mantra I started saying in my mid-twenties. “I won’t babysit any kids who can’t say, ‘My stomach hurts, I need to go to the hospital.’”

Now, babies scare me but the feeling seems to be mutual. At the Baby Sprinkle only half of the babies and toddlers in attendance would smile at me without looking like they wanted to burst out crying. A Baby Sprinkle, in case you’re wondering, is a baby shower for a baby that isn’t a first. In this case, the mother-to-be is having a girl close on the heels of having two little boys. She says she’s going to do her best to not let her daughter turn into a tom-boy. I hope I'll still be around to see how that works out in ten-fifteen years. The mother-to-be has a degree in childhood development and has the mamma gig down pat. In fact, all of the young mothers in my family seem to be raising happy and well-adjusted kids. 

Being a good mother can’t be said of one of my older cousins who has passed away. She was the most sadistic and cruel person I’ve ever known and a couple of her husbands were sexually abusive to her 8-9 kids, all but one were girls. I babysat them, too---when there was only five---so it was interesting to see the oldest one at the reunion, to find out what happened to her and her siblings after decades of not knowing. But I made her cry when I told her the thing I remembered the most about her next-in-line sister is that she’d stop at our house on her the way home from grade school, climb into my mom’s lap to be rocked and then she’d cry when it was time for her to go home. Two of the siblings now live on the streets and have for years. So if you’ve ever wondered why some people choose that life style imagine how hard it would be to trust those who have tried to intervene, how hard it would be to overcome a childhood void of any kind of parental love or nurturing and in its place was the worst kind of mental and sexual abuse.

In my garage hangs a clock that my brother gave me in the seventies that has written on the face: “All the flowers of all our tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” Being part of the oldest generation at a family reunion, it was easy to see the truth in that Indian proverb. It was fully illustrated by the well-loved toddlers splashing in the water who will no doubt grow up to be well adjusted human beings like their parents, and by the one person there whose close-to-the-surface tears and bad memories represented the seeds of yesterday that never got watered or felt the warmth of the sun. ©

32 comments:

  1. Beautiful writing, Jean. Especially the last piece - it really touched me.

    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's serendipity that I used the proverb at the end. I was struggling to find the ending 'hook' for this essay but it was time to leave the house. So I hoped in the car, saw that clock and knew I'd found the perfect ending to wrap everything together. I've always loved it.

      Delete
  2. I saw this quote the other day with a picture of a young child and it touched me, even though I don't have children.

    "Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good quote too. Raising kids is an awesome responsibility.

      Delete
  3. My this was a sad post.The abuse of these children was hard to read. That will stick with me for a few days. I need something to get that out of my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was partly a sad post. But it's also a celebration of good parenting and caring moms, too. It's too bad we have to see the underbelly of evil to appreciate the good in the world.

      Delete
  4. I'd never heard the term baby sprinkle until this post. I thought you were talking about a baptism. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me neither! I didn't get it until my niece and I were half way there and she said something like, "Shower, sprinkle. Get it?" I have since googled 'baby sprinkle' and apparently it really is a thing that people are doing now.

      Delete
  5. What an interesting week ... celebrating old and young. How to live once knowing the evil that exists ... even in our own families. I'm grateful that the worst things I know about family is alcoholism and one gay Aunt. Only two aunts left out of 11 children on my Mom's side. Only one Uncle left out of 3 kids on my Dad's side. And not a one of the next generation wants to organize a reunion. I did it last time ... five years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The large family reunions are a thing the current generations don't seem to understand like those in our generation. My niece wants to make them a yearly event and more power to her if she can do it. She's already got good ideas for next year.

      My parents did report the abuses and try to reason with my cousin but I really don't want to get into specifics on what happened or didn't---we're talking the 60s. Not that my second cousins are likely to see my blog but it's still their story to tell OR not, not mine.

      Delete
  6. Sprinkle was new to me. The part about the abuse has shaken me. I will never understand cruelty in any form but towards children?? I hope karma dealt the mother a wicked blow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've always believed our legacy is in how the next generations speaks about us when we're gone. If they speak lovingly then that's our heaven. If they curse our memory then we are in hell. Karma did its job here.

      Delete
  7. Lots here to think about. I want to believe that parents try to do the best they can at the time, but it's painfully obvious that not everyone should be parents. Sadly, it's the children that suffer the most.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not just 'suffered' but were broken for life in this case.

      Delete
  8. Jean :

    I can't imagine parents mistreating their own children, I feel so fortunate to have great set of parents who gave us best & we din not even see struggles they went through to give us best opportunities in life. we did not have lot of money but they taught us good values in life. I love that last line its truth. "“All the flowers of all our tomorrows are in the seeds of today."

    Asha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know you never did, but too many of people take good parenting for granted. My parents, too, didn't have a lot of money and earned every thing that got, and always worked hard to give my brother and I the good childhood they never had.

      The proverb is popular today as well it should be.

      Delete
  9. Friend here trying to keep her family gatherings together but younger generations less than enthusiastic. You’re lucky to have so many family. I have only two cousins left — both in nineties — and few others than my children/grandchildren. The latter busy with her own life on opposite coast. All is very different than some of my youthful years.

    Yes, the violation of trust by adults, family or friends on children does have effects. Tragic that any are subjected to such.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder why it is that the younger generations don't see the value in family reunions, but it seems to be universal. I can remember going to some very large reunions growing up. Tons of food and games for the kids and adults alike. I wonder if families are just more spread out now and/or don't have the time because work lives are different now.

      Delete
    2. Or they think they are so busy they can't take 4-5 hours out of their year to get together with family!

      Delete
  10. I had never heard of a Baby Sprinkle--I too thought it was baptism.
    I think young people live in the "now". They aren't real interested in their ancestor's, genealogy, or where they started. They sure don't want to sit still long enough to hear the "old" stories, which I always found interesting. It seems the past holds no interest to them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my experience, there is always one person in each generation who takes an interest in genealogy out of all the cousins, etc. And with any luck that person writes it down so the next generation can find it. Heck, it's not just family history young people aren't interested in, country and world history aren't that popular either.

      Delete
  11. +1 to Margaret's (Peggy/Peg) comments. ~ Libby

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jean, this was an interesting blog but at the same time it was hard hearing about the sexually way the children were treated. I do enjoy family reunions. Usually Jim, Mary Lou's brother would have the reunion at his place but due to him being in the hospital, others never do it. They always expect him to do it. I would do it but they wouldn't want to drive down to my place.
    Sounds like the reunions fro now on will me us the older one or nar the older ones. Have a wonderful evening my friend. See ya.

    Cruisin Paul

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hard to say whether the sexual abuse or mental abuse leaves the deepest scars. I'm guessing the latter does.

      Like I said above, my niece (middle age) is trying to revive the family reunion tradition for one side of our family. Maybe she's part of a tread? Let's hope so.

      Delete
  13. Sounds like a really full and good time! Good for you -- how wonderful to see so much of your family and especially those you enjoy most! I've never heard of a Baby Sprinkle. That's a pretty good idea!

    Thanks for your visits, nice comments and more. So appreciated! Way behind in blog checking. I'm north and internet is more spotty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As much as I enjoyed talking to the people I did at the reunion, I wish I could have talked with even more of people. I felt like I was spread too thin.

      Summer is for cottage life, enjoy it while you can.

      Delete
  14. Those last few paragraphs are such a mixture of bitter and sweet. I know your nieces and cousins were happy that you were there. As for memory, H said he heard that there is something new for Alzheimer's disease, something that they are finding success with. I hope. We're all going to need it if we live long enough. That and our teeth. :) Just let me keep my mind and my teeth. Nice post, Jean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dad was in a trial for a drug for dementia and had a lot of success with that. Lots of oversight and testing involved but it did finally come on the market. I just hope if they develop one for Alzheimer's that it comes on the market soon and it helps a lot of people at a reasonable price.

      Delete
  15. I've never heard the term "sprinkle" in any context other than what you do to a lawn (remember those great, four-armed metal sprinklers?) or baptisms. What I do remember hearing about were "poundings" -- showers for brides to be that helped to stock the pantry. Everyone brought a pound of something: sugar, flour, coffee, dried beans, etc.

    There's no question that early experiences -- whether neglect or frank abuse -- leave their marks. In fact, I know a couple of people only from the internet who show clear signs of past trauma. What happened to them, I can't say, but everything from a lack of trust to an insistence on living as a victim is there as a clue. It's a shame -- and the nastier our interactions with people on, say, social media become, and the more public figures turn to threats and scorn, the easier it is for plain old ordinary people to justify terrible behavior.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the idea of a "pounding shower" but today's brides seem to be greedier than that. The gift registers are filled with stuff back in my younger years would have been considered wedding gifts, not shower gifts.

      Totally agree with your second paragraph. Even with the help of a lot of mental health professionals, some abuses and neglect are almost impossible to overcome.

      Delete

Thanks for taking the time to comment. If you are using ANONYMOUS please identify yourself by your first name as you might not be the only one. Comments containing links from spammers will not be published. All comments are moderated which means I might not see yours right away to publish through for public viewing as I don't sit at my computer 24/7.